So, I'm in freak-out mode at present. I was looking at my statement from UT online today, and I owe $3000. I don't have $3000. And I didn't think I was going to even have to pay $3000. According to my award letter, it was going to be 1/3 of that. I am hoping and praying and praying some more that it's an error because if it's not I really don't know what I'll do. I don't know if it's too late to take out a loan, but that's the only thing I can think of doing right now. Either that or putting it on my credit card, and I'd rather chop off my arm than do that.

Ugh! I hate money! I've already been stressing about it because this trip to Seattle was so amazing and great and just what I needed, but it's left me with a pretty deflated bank account, and I hate that I'm going into grad school already feeling the financial strain. I know if I can just make it through this first year I'll be fine because my pay will almost double once I actually start teaching, but until then? I don't know. And it's occurred to me as I'm typing this that I'm revealing how small my faith really is. I think I read somewhere that our faith is most evident in how we respond to trials/events in our lives, and that means I'm pretty much flunking the faith test right now. I have seen God provide time and time again, so why do I continue to doubt Him? Why do I flip out the minute something goes even remotely counter to what I've planned? Why can't I just take Him at His Word? How can He love me? I don't even love myself at present, and for more reasons than I can list at present. Oh, I know He does love me, but it's just insanely difficult to really know it deep down sometimes, you know? I think what I need is to get off this stupid computer and go pray. May you all sleep in peace. I know I need to!

EDIT: Okay, so it's a new day and I'm feeling a lot better. I need to quit writing on my xanga the minute I start wanting to "emote" because I end up sounding like a crazy person. Then again, it makes me feel better to let it all out, so maybe I'll continue allowing the masses a glimpse into my emotional world! Thanks to all of you who left supportive comments; I really love my Xanga friends!

I talked to my parents about it this morning and they weren't mad, which is what I thought they would be (I don't know why). Instead, they don't think it's a big deal and they told me they'd help me work things out and not to worry about the money. So then I felt two feet tall because I'm always underestimating them, and God, for that matter. I'm trying not to give it any more thought right now because I can't do anything about it right now anyway. I wish I had an on/off switch for my brain. Then I could control when I did and did not feel like thinking, you know? Oh well. I hope you're all enjoying your (hot) Saturdays! I've been going through my eighty million books trying to decide which ones to take with me and which ones to leave behind, and it's very difficult! I want to take them all with me because all of my books are close personal friends, but I just won't have the room for them (much less the time to actually read any of them), so choose I must! I have also done three loads of laundry and packed some boxes, and I've only been up since noon, so I'm doing good!