Obsessed

Recently, I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior. I get up in the morning, read my Bible and exercise, and then I eat a healthy breakfast. I eat a decent lunch. I track all of this food and will be well within my calorie range for the day and feel good about my choices.

Then the afternoon comes.

I think about food all afternoon. I don’t know if it’s because I am sitting at my desk answering phones and don’t have much else to occupy my mind or what, but it’s like once I am done with lunch, I can’t stop thinking about what I will eat next. I usually bring a snack with me for the afternoon, and so all I can think about is that snack. Most days I have to tell myself I won’t eat the snack until 2:30 or 3:00 or until I’ve completed a task I’m working on. And then I look at the clock constantly until that time comes. Some days I am strong and don’t even eat the snack unless I am really and truly hungry. But other days–and every day recently–I eat the snack. It’s not so bad if all I have brought with me is a 120 calorie fiber bar, but right now I have a bag of animal crackers in my desk, and buying those was definitely a mistake. Instead of portioning them out, I find myself just reaching into the bag intermittently throughout the afternoon. If I’m not eating them, I’m thinking about them sitting there in that drawer. Yesterday, the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from a coworker came in, and all afternoon it was as if they were literally calling my name. I ate two of the Tagalongs, which was a serving, but it took every ounce of mental tenacity I possessed not to eat more. I was so relieved when 5 p.m. came and I could go home and eat dinner. But then I ended up eating much more than I should have, and I felt guilty for a good chunk of the evening.

I know that part of the solution is to only bring to work a snack that I have pre-portioned, so I won’t be able to eat more than that. I am so thankful there is not a vending machine at work because I know it would be so much harder to avoid. But I also know that controlling the size of my snack is only part of the problem. I get derailed at other times besides just the afternoon, like on the weekends or after dinner.

For a while, I felt as though I had my eating issues under control. Like I told my husband, I kept thinking to myself, "I’ve lost a lot of weight, so I must be doing okay, right?" Lately, however, it’s clear to me that I have not fully confronted this issue but have only stuffed it away. I am obsessed with food, and I don’t know how not to be. I have found myself having thoughts about sneaking food, which is something I used to do all the time but have not done in a while, and I can’t help but wonder if this struggle is the reason my weight loss has slowed so much. I can exercise all I want–run a half marathon, even–but if I eat so much that I negate those burned calories, I’m only harming myself and my efforts.

The truth is because I have lost so much weight, I have become complacent, and for many months I have not truly turned to the Lord for help in this area, and it’s clear that I need help. I have been making too much out of food, giving food too much power over me. I need to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, so that I serve Him and not my flesh. I need to "taste and see that the Lord is good" and know that He alone satisfies all my desires.

Do you struggle with an obsession with food? How do you fight it?

Running Silently

On Monday I was looking at the website for the half marathon I'm going to run, and I came across these words: No Headphones.

WHAT?

I'm not gonna lie, I'm completely freaking out about this. I have never run without music or a podcast or an audio book playing in my ears. NEVER. Music helps me get through the rough patches in my runs, gets me excited and inspired, and keeps me smiling. How will I make it through 13.1 miles without music? Liz, my former roomie and an avid runner (Hi, Liz!) told me she runs without music all the time and that it can be very refreshing to just listen to the sound of her feet hitting the ground and that it gives her the chance to think about things, so clearly it is possible to run without music. I'm just not sure I'm going to like it.

Of course, the only way to find out is to try it, so this weekend for my long run, I am going to leave my iPod at home. (How lame is it that just writing that out scares me a bit?) I am just hoping I can get through it. Naturally, I will report back after the run to let you all know how it goes.

Do you exercise with or without music? If you run without music, do you have any tips for me??

And THANK YOU for all of your support and encouragement. You guys really are the greatest!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

Saturday I thought I was scheduled to run 9 miles. However, I discovered earlier in the week that I had in fact jumped ahead of my training plan, but I decided to try the 9 miles anyway because I relished the thought of spending over an hour and a half running wanted to see if I could do it. I was more than a little apprehensive since my longest run before that was the 7 miles I ran 2 weeks prior, but I really wanted to try. All week long I kept looking at the forecast because I was worried it would rain, but Saturday morning ended up being a runner’s delight: low-50s and partly cloudy. I dressed in long pants, a t-shirt, a light hooded jacket, and a visor and headed for the park nearest our apartment, the one with a 1.3 mile loop. I knew the biggest obstacle to completing this run wouldn’t be physical pain but mental weakness, so I was determined not to let boredom or frustration or fear get the best of me. I started off with a slow warm-up jog, and after feeling a little too warm for the first 1.3 miles, I shed my jacket and was very comfortable for the rest of the run. When I had completed 2 laps, I veered out of the park and into a nearby neighborhood, where I completely another 1.2 miles and then stopped to drink some Gatorade G2 (grape flavor-yum!). At this point I was feeling good, and I was enjoying listening to my Little Women audiobook, but I knew I still had over half of my run to finish.  I steeled myself and just stuck to my run/walk intervals of 5:1.

I didn’t hit a wall until after I had finished 7 miles. Then I started to feel like I had been running forever and would never finish. Many of the runners I had seen when I arrived at the park were gone, and I wanted to leave, too. I started repeating to myself, "I can do all things through Christ" over and over, and I thought of myself at the finish line of the half marathon, finishing strong. I couldn’t give up. I had to keep going, but those last 25 minutes seemed to last twice that long.

But finally, after 1 hour and 43 minutes, I made it. 9 miles. It was TOUGH, but it wasn’t impossible. My hips and my left knee bothered me quite a bit on Sunday, but today I feel great, so I’m very happy.

Ever since I decided to try and run a half marathon I have had this doubt in the back of my mind that this goal was too big for me. That doubt was part of the reason I was reluctant to blog about it at all. After all, I’m an overweight, non-athletic woman who just two years ago would have laughed at the thought of running one mile, much less 13.1. So when I ran 7 miles two weeks ago, I was excited, but I also thought, "Erin, that’s only a little over half of the distance you’ll have to run for the half marathon. Are you sure you can do this? Are you sure you WANT to do this?" But after Saturday’s run, I know that not only do I want to do this, but I CAN do it, and I will do it.

April 17, here I come! And you better believe you’ll read all about it. :)

Going for It

I think I’ve made a decision about what to do concerning my conflicting goals of weight loss and half marathon: I’m going for the half marathon. Here’s why:

1.  I am halfway through my training right now, and the thought of having to start all over with that does not excite me.

2.  The half marathon I am wanting to run is on April 17, so I really only have two months of training left, and then I can focus solely on weight loss.

3.  In those two months, it’s possible that I could still manage to lose a few pounds, so it’s not like I’m completely "giving up" on weight loss. I’m just shifting my focus a bit.

4.  I’ve already taken two years to lose weight, so what’s a little more time, right? :)

5.  If I didn’t reach my goal weight until summer and then started training for a half, then that would mean I’d have to train in the heat, and I do NOT want to do that. I can do treadmill runs of about 5 miles, but twice that? Not gonna happen.

6.  As a friend on SparkPeople said, I can always lose weight, but will I always be capable of running a half marathon? Maybe, maybe not.

So I’m going for it. While losing weight and running a half may be at odds, I know that being healthy and running the half DEFINITELY are not at odds.  I am hoping to cross that finish line in the best shape of my life, even if I still have 15 pounds to lose!

Valentine Festivities

Would you believe that as I am writing this, it is snowing AGAIN? For those of you not aware, I live in west TN, and snow just does not come around that often. If it does, it is just a light dusting and often doesn’t stick, but this time makes the third time in a month’s time when there has actually been snow on the ground. While this snow is nothing compared to what the states up north are getting, I’m sick of it all and ready for spring!

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Stephen and I started celebrating Valentine’s Day on Thursday night by going out to dinner. We figured the restaurants would be less crowded on a weekday than when it got closer to the actual holiday. Romantic, right? :) We had planned to go to a local BBQ place, but when we got there the credit card machine wasn’t working, so we left. We ended up going to Chili’s, and we splurged and got ribs and shared a dessert (Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie, and yes, I am aware of how many calories are in it).

Then on Friday at work I got a lovely surprise–two dozen red roses! Sadly, I took pictures with my phone and have no idea how to transfer them to the computer, but believe me when I say they are the most perfect roses I have ever seen. All my coworkers were oohing and awing over them, and it was so fun! He also got me some perfume (Lucky You). I have the best husband! Friday night we saw The Blind Side, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

On Saturday morning we packed up the car and headed for Memphis. My mom’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day, so my dad was hosting a big family dinner at their house that night to celebrate. That afternoon we met up with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew to get a family portrait made. The last one we’d gotten made was almost 3 years ago, so we were definitely due for another one! Our photographer was a little kooky, but we got some shots that turned out well. All of the grandparents then came over that night for dinner, and we all had a great time. I love being with my family!

Sunday morning was church, and after eating lunch with my parents, Stephen and I headed back to Jackson. I took care of the laundry and went grocery shopping, and then the weekend was pretty much over. It went by fast, as always, but I am so thankful for my sweet husband and my family!



How did you spend your weekend?

DVD Reviews: Total Knockout Body and Billy Blanks Cardio Bootcamp

Winter weather has totally ruined my running schedule because at times the ice and snow in the roads did not make for safe running conditions, and the university gym was closed as well. Thus, I have been doing more workouts at home, so I thought I’d review two of the new DVDs I’ve used recently. I got both of these DVDs for Christmas and have used each one 3 times.

10 Minute Solution: Total Knockout Body!

This DVD came with a pair of weighted gloves (in a fun, bright pink color-yes!), and like all of the 10 Minute Solution workouts, it is divided into five ten-minute segments that you can customize. You can do just one of the workouts, select a few to do, or do all five at once. Here’s a description of each of the segments from Amazon.com :

"Knockout Body Blast - This kickboxing workout mixes combinations of cardio and strength moves for tightening and toning all-over.

Fat Attack - Punch, Kick and strike away flab. Fat cells don't stand a chance against this total body, cardio kickboxing routine.

Fierce & Fabulous Abs - This segment elevates the heart rate while attacking your abs and lower back to develop a strong, slim midsection with killer curves.

Ultimate Upper Body - Punches are the ultimate upper body workout! Sculpt a sizzling back plus sexy arms and shoulders, with this boxing-inspired cardio sculpt segment.

Kickbox Cross Train - Use cardio, core, endurance, and power moves in this cross-training combo. Develop your kickboxing form while you blast away fat and shape your knockout body."

The best segment for cardio is definitely the Fat Attack one, but all of the segments kept my heart rate fairly elevated. I also really liked the abs segment because it was a lot of "crunchless" core work. The gloves also add an additional challenge, but the workouts could be done without them as well. The one drawback is that the gloves get rather sweaty when I wear them, and they’re a little chunky, but I suppose that’s unavoidable. Overall I really like this DVD and the variety it offers. I highly recommend it.

Billy Blanks: Cardio Bootcamp Live

I confess that one of the reasons I purchased this one is that it was only $5 on Amazon. It is a 30 minute live workout with Billy and his workout crew, many of whom I recognized from his other videos. The short workout is perfect for mornings when I am pressed for time, and it gets my heart rate up and keeps it there. If you’re at all familiar with Billy Blanks, you know he’s all about using kickboxing moves and all about keeping things moving at a fast pace. The workout could be a little hard to follow for beginners, as he calls out instructions for the next move without really indicating how that move is done, but it’s easy to catch on.

What I didn’t know before I bought the DVD is that about half of the workout utilizes something called the "Billy Bands," which are basically resistance tubes as far as I can tell. I just do the workout without them, and while I think it would definitely be more challenging and effective with the added resistance, I still think I got a good workout without the bands and won’t be buying them just to use with this one DVD. The fact that the video is live amused me a bit, as I don’t know what added benefit that has, and at one point the microphone that one of Billy’s assistants is using stops working, and so I kind of giggled the first time I saw her talking into and then realizing that no one could hear her. One thing I do appreciate about his videos is that the people in them are actually sweating and grimacing and working hard, and not merely looking happy and sporting flawless makeup. It’s a good workout, and it was definitely worth 5 bucks. ;)

I also have Jillian Michaels' DVD No More Trouble Zones, but I have been a wimp and haven't tried it yet. :)

Have you tried any good workout DVDs lately? 

Conflicting Goals?

As I shared recently, I am currently training for a half marathon. I have wanted to run a half marathon for some time but was previously too scared to attempt it. Now, however, I feel more ready to face the challenge, so I’m going for it!

However, what I’ve realized is that this goal may be at odds with another very important goal: losing weight. I have read many posts on SparkPeople from runners who have trained for races, and a lot of times they lost little or no weight while training, or sometimes they even gained weight. Even back in the summer when I wasn’t running long distances, I wrote about the lack of weight loss I experienced, and while I think at that time part of the problem was that I was eating too much because running made me hungrier, I honestly feel like I am now doing a good job of keeping my calories at or below 1600 on most days. And yet the day after my long run, I was up TWO pounds from the day before! Yesterday I was only up .4 pounds from the previous week’s weigh-in, but still, I am not sure what to make of this or what I can do. I definitely don’t want to quit training, so I am just left wondering if I’ve picked two goals that aren’t exactly compatible with one another. I really want to be at my goal weight by the end of May, but I don’t know if that’s possible while I’m training for this race.

I think I need to do some more research on this, but I would also love your feedback. If you’ve trained for a race, have you lost weight while doing so? What do you recommend?

Running Update

See this face?



This is the face of a woman who ran 7 miles for the first time in her life yesterday! I am now a huge fan of the run/walk method (I do 5:1 run/walk intervals). I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it, but Stephen told me that if I couldn't run 7 miles, that wouldn't mean I failed as long as I tried. And if I didn't do it that day, I would do it another day. Isn't he smart? So I went out there and did it. It was cold, and I was only one of two people at the park, but I made it through. 7 miles in 81:47 (average pace of 11:41/mile). What a great way to start the week!

What are you celebrating today?

Push Through It

Hello, readers! Sorry it’s been a few days since my last post; I haven’t been able to get on the computer much at all (as my Google Reader with 240 unread items can attest). This week has just seemed to be very busy for some reason, and I am ready for the weekend!

After reading some of the great tips from you all about surviving runs on the treadmill, I went to the gym on Tuesday night determined to knock out an hour on that thing if it killed me. Since I didn’t get to do my long run over the weekend I still wanted to see if I could squeeze it in, and so I purposely decided to workout in the evening so I would have enough time for an hour-long run. I was able to get on my favorite treadmill (Yes, I have a favorite. Yes, I know I’m weird.), and I had my trusty iPod ready. Too bad I forgot to load the audiobook I had downloaded (Little Women--thanks for the link, Elaine!) onto my iPod, so I had to settle for my running playlist. I decided that I would challenge myself to only look at the clock once per song in the hopes that the time wouldn’t drag by. I covered the display with my towel and began my warm-up jog at 4.6 mph (I know, I’m a turtle) and determined to get through all 5 minutes without looking at the clock on the treadmill. I initially was worried this idea wouldn’t work because I am doing run/walk intervals of 5:1, so what if I went longer than 5 minutes without looking at the clock and threw off my whole interval schedule? However, this was not an issue at all because it was a struggle to go 5 minutes without looking, so there was about a 1% chance that I would make it longer than that.

After my warm-up jog and subsequent 1-minute walk, I increased the speed to 5.0. I had also decided that I would try and do each running interval at a faster speed than the previous one, until I got up to 5.5 mph, and then I would decrease by .1 mph until I got back down to 5.0. I didn’t want to go too fast for fear that I would exhaust myself before the hour was up, but I also wanted to challenge myself.

Surprisingly, the first 20 minutes or so went by fairly quickly. I did look at the clock during every song, but somehow doing the intervals and changing the speed helped. Of course, once I got up to 5.4 and 5.5, I was struggling and SO glad when I finished those intervals and could slow back down. I had a brief feeling of nausea come over me about 30 minutes in, probably because I ate dinner about 20 minute before I left for the gym, but I pushed through it. The last 10 minutes of the workout were the toughest; my legs were starting to feel heavy, I was sweating like crazy, and my heart rate had been in the 180s for a while. But I told myself that when I am running a 10k or a half marathon, I’m probably going to feel this same way (or worse), but I wouldn’t quit if I only had 10 minutes left, so I couldn’t do it now either. I didn’t quit.

I made it.

5.1 miles in 65 minutes.  On the TREADMILL, that machine I loathe about 75% of the time.  Am I going to break any records with that time?  Nope.  Does that make me any less proud?  Nope.    

My name is Erin, and I'm a runner. :)

Even if you're not a runner, there are going to be times when you feel like giving up, whether you're trying to lose weight or trying to learn a new language or trying to change careers.  But if you find yourself at that place where you just want to surrender and stop trying, think about all the hard work and time you've already invested.  What if you knew that next week, you'd be at your goal weight?   What if you knew that next week, you'd have a breakthrough in your language training?  What if you knew that next week, you'd find the perfect job?  Would you give up?  Of course not!  You'd keep trying.  Sometimes you have to push through those desires to quit, stop focusing on how hard everything is right now, and think about how AMAZING it will feel to achieve what you've been striving for! 

Is there something you're struggling with?  How do you make yourself push through it? 

February Goals

In addition to my goals for the year, I wanted to set 2-3 "mini goals" each month, probably because I like to torture myself. ;)

Here are my February goals:

1. Stop picking at my nails. I am terrible at this, and while I went through a stretch of time when I didn’t do this at all very much, the habit has returned with gusto, and it’s about time I got rid of it for good. Any tips for how to stop? I have tried painting my nails, but the polish chips off so quickly that I end up taking it off after a few days.

2. Don’t eat after 8:00 p.m. This worked well for me in the past, but I’ve gotten lax in following this guideline, so I’m making it a specific goal.

3. Go to the gym 8 times. I am trying to earn a free t-shirt, but I have to go to the gym 50 times by May 20 to get it, and I am definitely way behind on my gym attendance. I am also more likely to do more strength training exercises when I am at the gym with access to more equipment.

As far as running goes, I didn’t do any this weekend. The roads were really bad on Friday and Saturday because of ice, and the gym was closed all weekend. I could have trudged through slush and snow on Sunday, but I opted not to. We thoroughly enjoyed our 3-day weekend (and Stephen was off today, too–lucky!), and it’s a shame every week can’t have a 3-day weekend. Doesn’t that sound like a great idea? :)

What are your goals for February?