How to Ruin Your Morning

This morning, for the first time in I don't know when, I was excited to get on the scale and weigh myself. For the past week, I had counted calories, even measured out portions, and I walked/ran 4 different times, which is 4 times more than the weeks prior to that. I hadn't been perfect (the weekend saw to that), but I had made a lot of good choices, and I was confident that I had lost at least a pound, maybe even two. I stepped on eagerly, waited for the numbers to appear, and then sighed.

I hadn't lost a thing. Not even one ounce.

Just to be sure, I stepped off the scale and stepped back on, hoping that it had been a fluke. The reward for my double-checking was the exact same number. No loss.

I am ashamed to say that seeing that number on the scale turned what had been a very joyful, upbeat morning to a very grumpy one. I couldn't believe that all my hard work had yielded no results. I spent the rest of the morning feeling discouraged and disappointed. What was the point of all that hard work if I wasn't going to lose weight?

What is so ridiculous about all of this is that had I not gotten on the scale, I would have had a great morning. I woke up and went for a run in the crisp autumn air, and I was still basking in the weekend's victory of having run over 2 miles consecutively for the first time since early spring. I was proud of the fact that I had stayed relatively in control of my eating choices for a week, and I was looking forward to another week of working out and making good choices.

Given all of these positive outcomes, why did I so easily let the number on the scale wield so much power over me?  After 5 and a half years of trying to lose weight, you'd think I'd know a thing or two by now, but if the past year has taught me anything, it's that I know nothing. But I do know Someone who knows all, and when I take my eyes off Him--when I focus on myself and what I think I need instead of focusing on Christ and the truth that He supplies all my needs--I find myself in the defeated place I was in this morning.

Fortunately for me, I have friends who are smarter than I am, and one of them reminded me that gratitude brings joy, so I began to thank God for this morning. I thanked Him for the fact that I woke up on time (a small miracle in itself); I thanked Him for the legs that allowed me to run; I thanked Him for the sunrise; I thanked Him for my sweet husband who loves me regardless of what a stupid scale says. And I even thanked Him for that number on the scale because this struggle with my weight reminds me of my inadequacy and my utter need for a Savior. I can always be grateful for that.

Sunrise on a recent run.

The Slowest Loser: Five Years and Counting

On January 21, 2008, I stepped on a scale for the first time in months and saw a number I never thought I would see: 261.4. That day sparked the beginning of a journey for me, a journey to change my life and lose 100 pounds. I blogged about it here.

Five years and one baby later, and I now weigh 167.6 pounds. I know that when I began this journey, I never would have guessed that five years down the road I STILL wouldn't be at my goal weight, but I also know that there are few things I could have truly anticipated. If I did know how hard and how long I would struggle, I don't know if I even would have tried to lose the weight at all. There is a reason God doesn't allow us to see the future. :)

To prevent myself from being all Negative Nelly about the fact that I am not at my goal weight, I decided to make a list of things I accomplished in the last year. Over the last year, I:

1. Lost 16.6 pounds.
2. Completed my first half marathon.
3. Achieved a new 5k PR (personal record).
4. Fit into size 12 pants.
5. Fit into size medium shirts.
6. Completed 30 consecutive days of exercise (with a fantastic group of people on Facebook)
7.Tried Weight Watchers and had success with it.

Honestly, the past year was really tough for me. I struggled to lose the last of the post-pregnancy weight (if it can even be called that--my daughter will be 2 in March).  I felt as though I would never reach goal, and I was frustrated by my seeming inability to control myself around food.  Then I got the shock of my life in the fall when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, and for once in my life, weight loss was the farthest thing from my mind.  In the first weeks after my diagnosis, my only focus was to get well. That still is my ultimate focus, as the medications I am taking have not led me into remission yet. But the best way that I can help my body is to treat it kindly, and that means I need to start taking nutrition and exercise more seriously. I allowed myself to become lazy and undisciplined, and I am going to have to jump off the lazy train if I am going to shed these final 10 pounds.

And now, a pictorial walk down memory lane:

On my honeymoon, June 2007. I don't really know what I weighed at this point.

March 2008, about 2 months after I started trying to lose weight. I had lost 15 pounds at that point.

March 2009, after I FINALLY saw 199 on the scale.

July 2010. I was actually a month pregnant in this picture and around 170 pounds. I think I look better in this picture than I do right now.

October 2011, around 185 pounds

After my half marathon on March 31, 2012, around 175 pounds.

Today, at 167 pounds: 

It's hard to believe that it's taken me 5 years to get to this point. Apparently I am going for the "Slowest Loser Award." While I am tempted to beat myself up about how long it has taken me to lose this weight, the fact remains that I have lost 94 pounds and have entered every year for the last  5 years  at a smaller weight than the year previous (excluding the year I was pregnant). Though I didn't achieve my original goal of losing 100 pounds in a year (I laugh at that goal now), I have managed to keep off a significant amount of weight for a long period of time, and I have never done that before.

If nothing else comes of this blog, I want the people reading it to know that weight loss is possible. You may not lose 20 pounds in a month, but if you lose one pound, that's one less pound you're carrying around with you. You may not ever be a size 2, but how you live your life matters more than the number on the inside of your pants. You may feel like you will never get to your goal, but isn't it better to try than to just wonder if you could? You may feel like you have too much to lose and that you've tried countless times before, and I get that. I have been there. I spent most of my life overweight, and sometimes I thought that's just the way it was meant to be. But you know what? All it takes is one day. Make healthy choices just for today, and then tomorrow, do it all over again.

You can do it. I can do it. Start today.

Weigh-In Wednesday: Humble Pie

It's been a while since I weighed in on the blog (4 weeks to be exact), but I have still weighed myself every week. This morning was no different, and while I would love not to blog about this, I want to be honest about where I am.

Weight on December 19: 157.8

Weight today: 167.6

GAIN of 9.8 pounds

Remember how I wrote in my last weigh-in post that losing weight was not going to be one of my goals for the new year? Obviously, I spoke too soon, and obviously I was far too confident in my ability to maintain my weight loss.

I have been all over the place emotionally when it comes to my weight. I didn't really know how to process it when I lost 15 pounds so quickly when I got sick, and now I don't know how to process gaining almost all of it back. In the back of my mind I knew it was a long shot that I would actually stay at that smaller size, but I had hopes that I could.

I can write about how it was the holiday season and I wanted to enjoy myself, or I can talk about how good it felt to actually get to eat real food and enjoy it after weeks on end of not wanting to eat anything, but deep down, I know those are just excuses. Even though I hoped I could maintain my lower weight, I did virtually nothing to make that happen. I ate too much, too often. I didn't give much thought to the quality of my food, nor did I attempt to make healthy choices. And who am I kidding writing in the past tense? I am STILL not making healthy choices. Minutes before writing this post at 11:00 p.m. I wanted to go into the kitchen and stuff my face.

I don't just have a weight problem, I have a heart problem. My struggle with food is ultimately not about hunger, it's about sin. It's about looking to food to meet a need that is meant to be fulfilled in Christ. I was made to crave HIM, not ice cream or brownies. I was made to worship and long for HIM, not a bag of Chex Mix.

In a way I feel as though I am starting my weight loss journey all over again. The thought of losing 10 pounds, which is really all I want to lose, seems daunting. I have let poor eating habits become second nature for so long that it is going to be hard work to undo those habits, but I also know that hard work is what it what it took to lose all the weight before. The fact that I'm having an internal freakout about 10 pounds is kind of ridiculous when I look at the fact that I am 94 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight!

Jesus does not want me to live a defeated life, and I have felt nothing but defeated these past four weeks as I have allowed gluttony to win out over the pursuit of holiness. One of my favorite Bible verses is Galatians 5:1, which says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Christ wants me to be free from the bondage of gluttony! He is on my side, so I know I can win this war.

I am here, and I am ready to fight.

Weigh-In Wednesday: Goodbye, 2012!

Is anyone else surprised that Christmas is next week? I am. The holiday season, including Thanksgiving, totally sneaked up on me this year. I blame it on being in the hospital. (I have found that I can blame a lot of things on being in the hospital. It's quite handy, really.) Anyway, I am excited about this Christmas for many reasons, but one is because for the first time in three years, I have the entire week of Christmas off from work! The law firm where I work will be closed, and as work has been insanely busy the past few weeks, I welcome the break and the chance to be with family and celebrate Christ's birth.

I was thinking the other day about goals to make for the coming year, which of course made me reflect on the goals I made for this year and whether or not I met them. Since I'm sure none of you remember what my goals were (I barely remembered sometimes, haha), here they are: 

1. Reach my goal weight (between 155-160 pounds). Check.
2. Run a half marathon. Check.
3. Read through the Bible. Check. (Well, almost. I am 96% of the way there and have no plans to flake out at the finish!)

For the first time in I don't know when, I actually accomplished all of my goals for the year! Granted, I only made three goals, but still, I am really excited to have actually achieved these things.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Did I miss the blog post wherein Erin rejoiced over reaching her goal weight?" No, dear reader, you did not in fact miss that post, but I have in fact reached my goal weight. The last weigh-in recorded on my blog was October 17, near the very beginning of the illness that I later learned was ulcerative colitis. On that date, I weighed in at 170.8 pounds. This morning, I weighed 157.8 pounds. I've lost 13 pounds in the past 9 weeks. At one point after being sick, I was down to 150 pounds (I lost a crazy amount of weight over the span of a few days the first week I was out of the hospital), but over the past 4 weeks I've fluctuated between 155-158 pounds, and I am very happy with that.

It feels weird to celebrate this achievement because I didn't really "achieve" it. I got sick and ended up in the hospital. Still, I am happy that I haven't gained all of the weight back, and I am happy that I managed to lose 90 pounds on my own before getting sick, so I can look at losing another 13 more with the help of a chronic condition as a gift. A gift that means I now wear a size 12, a size I don't think I ever wore for any significant length of time. A gift that means I had to go shopping for new clothes. A gift that means I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin.

I still don't know what my goals for 2013 will be, but I am pretty certain that losing weight will not be one of them. :)

Weigh-in Wednesday: The Vacation Edition

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Last week's weight: 170.8
This week's weight: 170.6
LOSS of .2 lbs

Y'all, this is kind of a miracle. It was really hard to track accurately and completely when we were out of town, and I KNOW I went over my points almost every day. I don't know by how much, but I'm sure it was a decent amount. We got back on Sunday night, and when I weighed myself on Monday (even though I really didn't want to), I was up 2.4 pounds from last week's weight. At that point, I had very little hope of seeing a loss for the week, but I was on my best behavior Monday and Tuesday, and I guess it helped! I am so relieved not to see a gain that I don't even care that the loss is extremely minimal. I just want to get out of the 170s!

I am telling you, next week I WILL be in the 160s, or I'll shave my head.

Or not.

But I WILL be in the 160s!

Weigh-In Wednesday: So Close

First let me thank all of you who commented on my last post! I truly loved hearing from each of you and will be checking out the blogs of those I haven't visited before. I appreciate all of my readers, and I am glad you took the time to comment. It's not to late to comment, so if you're a lurker who's being shy, come out from hiding! :)

Today marks the beginning of my 3rd week on Weight Watchers. Y'all, week 2 was TOUGH stuff. I went over my daily points allowance every day but one. Fortunately, the plan also gives me 49 "extra" points to use throughout the week, and supposedly I can still lose weight even if I use those points. I ended up using 23 of those extra points this past week, whereas the week before that I only used 15. I was concerned about how this would affect the scale, but one thing made me feel better: activity points. Every time I exercise, I get points for that activity. The points are determined by what kind of exercise it is (walking or running, etc.) and how long I exercise for. For example, I get 2 activity points if I walk for 30 minutes, but I get 6 activity points if I run for 30 minutes. I can then choose to "eat" those extra points if I want. Obviously, this motivates me to exercise more and more specifically, it motivates me to run more since I get so many more points for that. I ended up with 30 points for the week, enough to make up for the extra points I ate and then some.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for: my weigh-in.

Last week's weight: 172.6

This week's weight: 170.8

Total lost: 1.8 lbs

Definitely not as amazing as last week's weight loss, but I am still very happy with how I did. I think the exercise really helped. With that loss, I've now lost 5 pounds in the last two weeks, which is a great loss for me! Yippee!

The only downside? With this weight loss, Weight Watchers changed my daily points target to 27 from 28, which means I am going to have to be even more careful with what I eat. To be honest, I have been hungry a LOT these past 2 weeks. I need to work on using fruits and veggies as snacks so I don't feel so hungry all the time. I certainly don't think it's a bad thing to be hungry every now and then, but I don't want to feel that way all the time because that just means I'll eventually get frustrated and eat two Big Macs and a large order of fries (not really, but you know what I mean). 

Week 3 will be a challenge for me since we're going out of town to visit Stephen's parents, so tracking will be harder. I am going to work at being diligent with tracking what I can and make wise decisions. I am so close to the 160s, so I don't want to blow it this week.

I hope you all have a great week!

Weigh-in Wednesday: A New Direction

I didn't intend to go over a week without blogging, but looks like I did! I'm back and have some exciting news. Well, exciting for me, that is. Most of you probably couldn't care less, but I'm sharing it anyway. :)

Last Tuesday, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. It's something I'd been thinking about for a while, and with the encouragement of my husband and some great feedback I got about the program, I decided to take the plunge. I vacillated between going to meetings or doing the program online, but since it's a lot more expensive to go to meetings, I decided to try the online program for 3 months and then reassess after that.

I officially started the program last Wednesday, and it was a tough week. Counting points instead of calories has required a huge mental shift for me. I generally know the calorie amounts for most foods that I eat, but I had no idea how many points those same foods are, so Weight Watchers has required me to plan ahead and do research about what foods are the best to eat and what are to avoid.  A really neat thing about the plan is that most fruits and veggies don't have any points, which encourages me to eat those things more since they don't count toward my daily points allotment (which is 28, for those who are curious).

So, how did I fare on the scale my first week?

Last week's weight: 175.8

This week's weight: 172.6

Total lost: 3.2 lbs

I'm very happy with that number! I have had some MONTHS where I haven't even lost 3 pounds, so to lose that in one week is exciting for me and gives me hope for the weeks ahead. I know it's common to lose more in the first few weeks of the program, but I have shown myself that I am capable of following the program. I know not every week will be like this one, but I know that if I keep trying, I will keep seeing results. 

Are any of you on Weight Watchers, or have you tried it in the past? I'd love to hear from you!

In Which I Exhaust Myself

For lunch today I had a Lean Cuisine. Then for dinner I had a Whopper. With a Diet Coke. I finished up the day by burning 500 calories on the treadmill.

I am a walking contradiction.

I am weary of fighting with my body, with my mind. I am weary of second-guessing everything I want to eat and wondering if I should or not. I am weary of starting every day with good intentions only to end it wishing I could have a do-over. I've been at this weight loss thing for 4.5 YEARS. Shouldn't it be easier by now? Shouldn't I have it all figured out?

Instead, I feel more helpless than ever. I feel helpless to change who I am. I feel helpless to lose the rest of the weight I want to lose. I wish I could go back to those first few months of weight loss, where everything was exciting and new and I was dedicated to making weight loss happen. I counted my calories faithfully, got up early and exercised faithfully, lost weight faithfully. It wasn’t all rosy, but I lost 50 pounds that first year. I was doing things right.

Somewhere along the way, something happened. I lost sight of the goal, or maybe I lost sight of where I had been and how really miserable I was when I weighed 261 pounds. I haven’t been that heavy in a long time, and the more removed from it I become, the less I remember about what it was really like to be that heavy.

But it was HARD. I know that. I never could find clothes that I liked. I never liked the way I looked. I never even THOUGHT about running around the block, much less running a half marathon. I would stuff my face with junk and then feel disgusting and defeated afterward. Life as a fat girl was hard, but I sometimes feel like it was easier than the constant struggle I find myself in now.

Every day is a battle. Will I work out or not? Will I log all of my food or not? Will I weight myself or not? Some days I make the right choices. Other days I don’t. And still other days I wish I didn’t have to make a choice at all. I’ve never been very good at making decisions.

I’m tired of thinking about weight loss and food all the time, but I know that if I stop thinking about it, I’ll wake up one day and find myself at 261 pounds again. If I know one thing, I know that I don’t want to be that girl again.

For today, knowing that will have to be enough.

Take That, French Fries!

This morning the scale said 173.6. FIVE pounds down from last Monday.

Seeing that number felt better than any french fries taste. :)

(And yes, I have in fact been obsessed with french fries lately, BUT I haven't eaten any this week!)

Now, if I can just get out of the pesky 170s! I've been in the 170s since February, so it's definitely time to move on.

I think I can, I think I can...

Taking Off the Blinders

On May 1, 2012, I weighed 174.2. I don't remember my exact weight in June or July since my blogging died out and thus it wasn't recorded, but I do know that at one point in July I got down to 172.6. Then I accidentally-on-purpose decided to stop weighing myself. This decision coincided with a lack of exercise that lasted about a month. I told myself that I'd been maintaining all summer so weighing was pointless, and after exercising for 60 out of 62 days in May and June, I deserved a break, right?

Truly, what I deserved was a swift kick to the tush. I weighed myself last Monday, August 13, and I weighed 178.6.  That's over 4 pounds higher than my weight in May and 6 pounds over my lowest weight in July. To put it plainly, I got lazy and apathetic. I felt stuck, and a lot of the time I debated if I even wanted to keep trying to lose weight. My body seemed determined to stay in the 170s, so why not just let it stay there?

And honestly, if these last 20-ish pounds that I want to lose were solely about the way my clothes fit, I don't know that I would keep going. I've grown accustomed to how I look and have mostly accepted the fact that I will never be a size 6, or even a size 8. Losing 20 more pounds will not put me in a bikini or remove the cellulite that has permanently attached itself to my thighs. Losing 20 more pounds will not put me on the cover of a magazine. Losing 20 more pounds will not change who I am.

So why bother?

I think I lost sight of the reason why I should bother, but the reason is this: I want to be healthy. And I'm not healthy at this weight. Not simply because of the number on the scale, but because of the habits I've allowed myself to develop. The snacking at night, the dessert after lunch AND dinner, the too-frequent visits to Dairy Queen, the obsessing over food in general--all have kept me from losing those last 20 pounds, and all have contributed to the unhealthy state of my body.

Are weight and health intertwined? Not always. I would venture to say that I'm healthier than some women who are smaller than me because I know some who can't even run a mile, much less finish a half-marathon. I also think that I was probably healthier when I was 200 pounds pre-Charlotte than I am right now because that Erin was making healthier eating choices and getting a lot more exercise. But I also know many women who are a healthy weight precisely BECAUSE they make healthy choices and worked incredibly hard at it.  I know that healthy choices often lead to weight loss, and I can't keep lying to myself and saying that I'm healthy when I eat junk and slack on exercise and then wonder why my pants feel a little tighter.


So what now? I'm going back to the basics:

1. Counting calories on SparkPeople.com. I started this last week and did really well for 4 days and then slacked off right in time for the weekend. I'm trying to stick to 1700 calories or less per day, but I am also trying to develop the habit of simply logging everything I eat, whether I stay in my range or not. I know the more I do it, the more inclined I'll be to skip the junk food and go for the carrots instead.
2. Exercising 4 times a week for a minimum of 2 hours. This is a very doable amount of exercise. I'd love for it to be more, but I'm trying to be realistic about the time that I have. 
3. Paying attention to portions. My trusty food scale has gotten more use this past week than it has all year, and I'm proud of that. I was eating portions that were completely out of control. I don't plan to weigh my food for the rest of my life, but for right now this is what I need to do to have control. 
4. Praying. I've known for a while how much of my struggle with weight and food is a spiritual matter, but I've failed to spend considerable time in prayer asking God to help me win this battle with food. I'm trying to change that by praying every day, even if it's just a minute, about my food issues. I also want to find some Scriptures that encourage me in this issue and commit them to memory. 

If I can do all these things, I know I will be healthier. Even if I don't lose those last 20 pounds, if I can accomplish the things on this list on a regular basis, I know I'll have won.

What about you? Do you think health and weight are intertwined?

Let the Challenge Begin!

Okay, everyone! The 30 Day Challenge starts TODAY!

My starting weight: 174.2

My starting picture:

As a reference point, here are 2 previous pictures I took to track my weight loss progress. The first one was taken in June 2011 when I was 196 pounds. Charlotte was around 3 months old at the time. The second one was taken in January at 184 pounds.

My shirt is definitely getting looser! I still have a ways to go, but I can see a little bit of a difference. I'm not really expecting to see much change at the end of 30 days, but who knows? I will take measurements later today as well. It's been a while since I did that, so I will be curious to see the numbers.

Good luck to everyone starting the challenge! It's not too late to join in!

I'm Not Stopping Just Before the Finish Line

I checked my blog archives, and it's been roughly two months since I decided to take a break from blogging about weight loss. I was kind of surprised because it felt like longer to me, although I'm not sure why. I can't say I've actually missed writing about weight loss, but I have felt a little bit that not writing about it has caused me to become rather lackadaisical in my approach to weight loss. Basically, I'm not losing any weight. Well, let me correct that. I've lost about 4 pounds, but 4 pounds in 2 months? That's hardly a weight loss success story.

Admittedly, I was primarily focused on training for my half marathon during those 2 months, and as my runs increased in distance, so did my hunger. I don't think I went nuts with my eating, but I let more things slide than I should have because hey, I had just burned 1,000 calories running! What's a little pizza compared to that? However, I am no longer training for a half marathon, nor am I running. In fact, I've run a total of THREE TIMES since my race on March 31. I've only exercised five times this whole month. That's pathetic.

In summary, I've lost very little weight and done very little exercise.

So what's going on here? Laziness. Lack of discipline. Apathy.

All of that stops. NOW.


I weighed 174.4 this morning. That means that I only have 19 pounds to lose to get to my goal of 155. Nineteen pounds is NOTHING. I am so close! There is no reason I can't be at my goal weight by the end of July. To do that, I need to lose a little over 6 pounds a month. 6 pounds is not a lot. It's a very doable goal, and I'm going to reach it.

No more excuses. Only results!

P.S. This is my 1000th post! Woohoo!

Four Years

January 21, 2008. That was the day I decided to change my life. I was fat and not happy about it, and I was tired of just accepting it. I had told myself in the past that I was just meant to be fat since I'd spent most of my life that way, but I knew that wasn't true. The only way I would be destined to be fat forever is if I chose it. On January 21, 2008, I chose NOT to be fat forever. I made a list of reasons why I needed to change, and I made a plan of attack. Slowly but surely, changes started happening. I woke up early and went to the gym. I joined SparkPeople and began tracking my calories. It was tough, it was frustrating, it was challenging, but I kept doing it. I'm STILL doing it.  Four years later, here's where I am and where I hope to be (all of the links are to past blog posts):

1.  I went from only being able to do about 10 minutes on the elliptical to being able to run a 5k. I've run in 3 5k races and one 4 miler. I even trained for (but didn't complete) a half marathon, working my way up to 11 miles.  I hope to achieve the goal of running a half marathon this year.

2.  I went from 261 pounds to 180 pounds. I briefly dipped down to 167 right before I got pregnant with Charlotte, and I will get back there again. I hope to eventually weigh between 155 and 160 pounds.

3.  I went from a size 24 to a size 16. I was a 14 before I got pregnant with Charlotte. I hope to end up a size 12.

 (Pictures taken Thursday night in my size 24 jeans. My face is beet red because I had just finished a workout my 261 pound self would have never attempted: a 2 mile run followed by Level 1 of 30 Day Shred.)

4.  I went from a 49-inch waist (!) to a 36.5-inch waist.

5.  I went from an XXL t-shirt to a large. I bet I will be able to wear a medium soon.

6.  I have made drinking at least 64 ounces of water a daily habit.

7.  I have made exercising a weekly habit. Some weeks are better than others, but aside from right after I had Charlotte, there have been very few weeks when I haven't exercised at all.

8.  I have learned (and some days am still learning) to feel more comfortable in my own skin and appreciate even my least favorite features, like my flabby arms.

9.  I have tried different types of exercise that I never would have tried before, including yoga, Pilates, kickboxing, and Zumba.

10.  I actually had enough guts to post my weight on the  Internet.

11.  I have learned that even skinny people have problems. Being skinny does not guarantee a problem-free existence.

12.  I have learned that being healthy is about more than being skinny.

13.  I have learned that the things worth working for are often the hardest.

14.  I learned how to lift weights and even got used to being the only female in the weights section of the gym.

15.  Most important of all, I have learned that all of this is worthless if I do not honor the Lord. I have made food an idol in my life, and at times I have even made weight loss an idol, and if I let those things become an obsession and do not chase after Jesus, then it's all in vain. He must be everything.

Of course I wish I could write this post from the perspective of someone who's been at goal weight for a year or two, but that's someone else's story, not mine. My story isn't going to end up in a magazine. I'm not going to be on TV because of my amazing weight loss accomplishments. But that doesn't change the fact that I have lost 81 pounds.  That doesn't change the fact that I am a far different person today than I was four years ago. And that's worth more than a spot on a TV show or magazine.

January 2012: Week 2 Report

Last week's weight: 181.2
This week's weight: 180.6
Total loss: .6 pounds

So I didn't lose 3 pounds this week, but that's okay. Here's what I did do:

1.  I exercised for 170 minutes.

2.  I woke up by 5:30 Monday-Friday.

3.  I kept up with my Bible reading plan.

4.  I logged my food 6/7 days.

5.  I did two separate strength training workouts.

6.  I ran a 5k distance without stopping.

7.  Stephen and I purged and organized several areas of our house.

Even though I had minimal weight loss this past week, I'm still pleased because of all of the other things I accomplished. I feel like I'm getting into a bit of a routine with waking up earlier. What needs work is going to bed earlier. I have always been a night owl, and it's been a struggle to go to bed before 10, even if I'm tired. (Although there was one night when I went to bed at 8:45 or something crazy like that. It was awesome.)  So this week my goal is to get in bed by 10 at the latest at least 5/7 days. I already failed at this last night, so I'll have to be nearly perfect the rest of the week. 

How are all of you doing with your goals?

January 2012: Week 1 Report

I would say that the first week of 2012 was a good one. Shall I count the ways?

1.  I exercised 4 times, for a total of 128 minutes.

2.  I logged my food 4 of 7 days. Yes, that's not really a great number, but it's better than the big fat ZERO days I was logging previously.

3.  I stayed in my calorie range for each day that I tracked my calories. Coincidence? I think not.

4.  I woke up in the 5:00 hour every morning during the work week, except for Thursday morning.

5.  And oh yeah, I lost THREE pounds!

Weight on Jan. 1:  184.2
Weight on Jan. 8:  181.2 (This weight makes 80 pounds lost from my highest weight of 261.)
Pounds left to lose:  26

If you remember, I took some before pics back in June, when I first started actively trying to lose weight after I had Charlotte (although I'm not sure it can be considered an "active" attempt at weight loss since it's been so slow, but anyway...). Here's one to refresh your memory:

Since I've lost 15 pounds since that picture was taken, I decided to take an updated one Sunday.

I'll be honest and say that I was disappointed when I saw the more recent picture. It doesn't look very different to me. I still have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know that more than losing weight I also need to gain muscle, as I am REALLY flabby all over. I think if I can develop a consistent strength training routine, that will help tremendously. I much prefer cardio because I feel like I've actually DONE something when it's over.  I know that strength training is often much more beneficial, so I'm going to try and do it two times a week for the rest of the month. I will probably do 30 Day Shred since it's relatively quick and also makes me want to die.  I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I've also come a long way! Here are pictures of me from December 2007, right before I decided it was time to lose weight. I was probably around 260 pounds.

One day at a time, one pound at a time, I will get there.

28 Pounds

As of this morning, that's all that stands between me and my goal weight of 155. 28 pounds. 28 pounds shouldn't be all that difficult to lose, right? After all, I've already lost 78 pounds! It's not like I don't know how weight loss works. I have all the tools I need.

And yet I can't help but feel as though those 28 pounds are like 100 pounds. It seems daunting, and I can't figure out why.  Oh wait, yes I can: discipline (or lack thereof). My attempts to lose weight since having Charlotte have been of the stop-and-start variety. I haven't had long stretches of commitment bonded with action, and it shows. From June 1 2011 until January 1, 2012, I lost 12.2 pounds. That's kind of ridiculous. Sure, it's 12 pounds that needed to be lost, and I'm so glad I lost them, but a 12 pound loss over 7 months isn't impressive. At that rate, it will take me approximately 16 months to lose these last 28 pounds. There's no way that's happening.

So what now?

If I'm going to reach my goal weight this year, I have to take action. I have to be committed. So for the month of January, here's how I'm going to work on losing the weight:

1. Track all of my food. I got unbelievably lazy with this and haven't consistently tracked my food since the summer. I told myself I didn't really need to track, that I know what I eat and how many calories it all has. Lies! If I am not tracking, I let a lot of things slide. An extra cookie here, a regular Coke there, an extra serving at dinner, and before I know it I've eaten WAY more than SparkPeople's recommended range for me. So back to logging I go. It's tedious, but it works. I am more prone to think twice about eating something if I have to account for it.

2. Exercise at least 4 days a week. Since I'm planning to run a half marathon this year, this MUST happen. I need to work on building my running base this month anyway, so it won't be hard to figure out what exercise I need to do.

3. Wake up between 5:00 and 5:30 during the work week. If I am going to exercise and read my Bible, I need to wake up earlier. Which leads me to...

4. Go to bed no later than 10:00 p.m. Ideally I'd like to get to bed at 9:00, but I'm going to start with 10:00 and then work my way back to 9:00.

5. Complete the Hello Mornings Challenge. (This challenge is hosted by one of my favorite blogs for moms, Inspired to Action, so check out the challenge and Kat's blog. You will be blessed and encouraged!) I'm super excited about this and hope that it will help me achieve all of these goals.

Watch out, 28 pounds! I'm coming for you!

Friday Five: Things I'm Celebrating

 (I realize I haven't done a Friday Five in approximately 1.5 years or some such ridiculous time span, but it's never too late to begin again!)

1. I'm wearing pants I haven't worn since being pregnant.

2. I'm at 183.2 pounds.

3. My baby girl has 2 more teeth, making the total teeth count 4. She currently has 1 on top and 3 on the bottom, and I hope she gets another on top soon so she won't look goofy. Not that she could ever look goofy because obviously she is the cutest thing ever. Here she is attempting to leap off the recliner. (No worries, Stephen was holding her).

4. It's payday.  As Stephen said this morning, "Payday is yay day." :)

5. It's almost Thanksgiving, which means time with Stephen's family in Illinois and time off work!

What are you celebrating?

Bullet Posts Are Lame

But I'm giving you one anyway! :)

• Yesterday I weighed in and was 184.4, which means that I am officially out of the "obese" BMI category! I'm now just "overweight." (Yay?)
• With yesterday's weigh-in, my weight loss since June 1 totals 12 pounds. Yes, it has taken me 5 months to lose 12 pounds. And I'm okay with that. Who knows how heavy I'd be right now had I not been trying to lose weight?
• I have done really well with my no sweets challenge. I did have a milkshake last Monday, but I was sick with a nasty cough, and it was the only thing that felt good on my throat, so no guilt for me over that! 
• Tomorrow Charlotte is having surgery to get tubes put in her ears. Charlotte had 3 ear infections in 4 months, and our pediatrician referred us to an ENT who recommended that she get tubes, and we agreed. I am surprisingly not all that nervous about the surgery but am just ready to get it over with. I don't look forward to having Charlotte be under anesthesia, but if this minor procedure can keep her ears clear, it is worth it.
• I am camping out in one of my favorite Bible passages this week: Philippians 4:6-9, and it was just the reminder I needed this morning to be anxious for nothing but to trust Him for everything. 

Have a great week, everyone! I will post an update after Charlotte's surgery. Prayers are appreciated.

Giving It Up

I have had variations of this post written in my head for the better part of a week, and it's time for me to just let it out.

I have decided to abstain from sweets until January 1. Yes, I realize that means I am not going to eat sweets during the holiday season, when there is more opportunity to eat delicious treats than at any other time during the year (except for maybe Valentine's Day). Have I gone insane?

No. I'm just desperate. Desperate to lose this weight that has been hanging around for far too long. Desperate to see the power that food has over me diminish. Desperate to stop obsessing over food. Desperate to enjoy the holidays without feeling guilt every time I eat too much pie or have too many cookies. So the easiest solution was to remove the biggest stumbling block to my weight loss: sweets.

I have always had a sweet tooth, and I indulged it far too often while I was pregnant and then did a rather poor job of controlling it after Charlotte arrived. I have wanted to restrict my sweets intake for a while but then felt like there was no way I could do and that I'd be crazy if I tried. So I continued eating them and then wondered why I wasn't losing weight any faster.

The truth is, I can live without sweets. I can even be happy without sweets. But I cannot live a life that is not pleasing to the Lord, and my gluttony and my all-consuming love of food, specifically sweets, does not please Him.I cannot have joy without Him. So the sweets must go.

I don't know yet if I will stick with this plan after January 1 comes, but I've given myself that date as a date to reevaluate my progress and see what I need to do. I don't plan on eliminating desserts for the rest of my life, but it has become necessary for such a time as this.

And it's hard. The first three days, I thought about desserts constantly and was tempted many times to just throw in the towel. But when I feel weak, I repeat to myself, "I am made for more than this" and then quote Psalm 16:11, part of which says, "In Your presence there is fullness of joy." In Christ there is fullness of joy. I will not find fullness of joy in a bowl of ice cream or inside a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, so it's time I stop looking for it in those places.

Biting the Bullet

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on my scale dilemma (pun obnoxiously intended). I'm sure you're wondering what I decided (and if you're not wondering, too bad because I'm telling you anyway!).  Well, I did it. I bit the bullet.

I weighed myself on Saturday.

Weight on Aug. 24: 190.2

Weight on Sept. 17: 188.8
LOSS of 1.4 pounds

I have to be honest: I was completely relived to find out I didn't gain 5 pounds! While losing 1.4 pounds over a 3.5 week period is nothing to brag about, I am just glad I lost anything.

However...

Clearly this experiment of staying away from the scale did not work for me, and that's okay. I guess I'm not quite ready to let go of the scale. But I don't want that silly little number to have the power to affect my mood, so I'm still going to limit how often I weigh. I think what I've decided is that I'm going to weigh on the first of the month and the fifteenth of the month. That way I won't go more than 2 weeks between weigh-ins and won't be weighing so frequently that I get obsessed. I'm hoping this middle ground will work for me and help me focus on what really matters in this weight loss journey: being healthy. I'm still working on my healthy habits, and I think that renewed focus on those coupled with routine check-ins on the scale will get me to my goal weight, sooner rather than later.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some fruit to eat. :)