Weigh-in Wednesday-Scaling the Wall

Last week's weight: 190.8
This week's weight: 191.2
GAIN of .4 pounds

I'm not surprised, and I'm actually relieved it's only a .4 gain.  For whatever reason I am just stuck, mentally and physically.  I told Stephen the other night that I was going to give up on weight loss, and I was only half joking.  I think I am just tired, so very tired, of trying to lose weight.  I've been doing this for the better part of 3.5 years.  What's hard is that I know other people who would have already lost their weight and been maintaining for 2 years, and yet here I am, still trying to shake this excess weight.  Yes, I did have a baby not even 5 months ago and was pregnant for 9 months before that, so my weight loss was interrupted, but I think I've just sort of mentally checked out, and the scale is reflecting that. 

Stephen and I talked about it, and while he said he would support no matter what, he said he would hate to see me get so close to my goal only to give up now.  The truth is, I would hate it too.  It would be one thing if I could honestly say, "Okay, I am happy where I am.  I feel good about my body and about my health, so I will just stop here."  But I can't say that, not at all.  I am not happy with my body and I am definitely not living as healthy as I need to be, so if I were to stop now, I'd be giving up on myself, selling myself short and possibly cheating myself out of a better life.  What sense does that make? 

Somehow I've got to get over this wall I've been facing.  Right now it seems insurmountable, but I know it's not.  Even as I wrote this, the Lord brought Psalm 18:29 to mind: "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall."  Sure, I'm not facing a literal troop, but I'm definitely in a battle for my life. As I read more of Psalm 18, I couldn't help but see the parallels between facing an actual battle and facing a battle against sin, which is precisely what I'm doing.  God promises not to leave us alone in this battle, but to arm us:

It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure.
³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
   my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You make your saving help my shield,
   and your right hand sustains me;
   your help has made me great.
³⁶ You provide a broad path for my feet,
   so that my ankles do not give way.  
³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
   I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise;
   they fell beneath my feet.
³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle;
   you humbled my adversaries before me.

With my God, I can scale this wall.  I can win this battle.  And so can you.   

Nom Nom Nom

This weekend Charlotte tried something new: rice cereal!  Well, sort of.  She's actually been getting rice cereal in her bottles since she was 5 1/2 weeks old because of her reflux issues, but at Charlotte's 4 month checkup, our pediatrician suggested we start giving her a little cereal at night to help her get ready for solids at 6 months and to hopefully help her feel more full at night.  We actually tried the cereal that very same night of her appointment, but Charlotte was not having any of it.  It just kind of sat on her tongue, so we didn't really push it too much.  We thought we'd try it again this past Saturday night, and she did MUCH better!  She started off rather slowly because we had to wake her up to eat her last meal before bedtime, but as she woke up, she got better at it, and I think she liked it! Here's a little video we took of her first bites:

And some pictures to go along with it:

Charlotte gives rice cereal her smile of approval.   I just can't get enough of that sweet face!

Weigh-in Wednesday

I've decided to make Wednesdays my official weigh-in day.  I like that it falls in the middle of the week so if it's a gain, at least it's not Monday.  Weight gains always seem worse on Mondays, don't you think? 

Weight on July 6 (when I last recorded it): 193.4
Weight today: 190.8
LOSS of 2.6 pounds

Granted, that loss is over a 2-week span, so it only means a 1.3 pound loss each week, but I am happy with it nonetheless.  This weight is a new postpartum low number for me.  I reached 191 about 3 weeks after I had Charlotte and then gained some weight back in the weeks that followed.  In reality, it's taken me all this time to lose .2 pounds, but I don't care!  I am SO CLOSE to getting out of the 190s!  I will do a happy dance on the day when I get below 190. 

I remember when I was trying to lose weight and was just dying to see a number below 200 on the scale, and I finally did that in March of 2009.  Now here I am, over two years later, trying to see a number not that far below 200.  I could allow this to depress me, but instead I am taking the advice of my friend Diana (who's getting married in less than 2 weeks-yay!).  I'm celebrating the fact that even though I am not where I want to be, I am still SEVENTY POUNDS below my highest weight of 261.  Losing 70 pounds is no small feat, so I am going to try and remind myself of this accomplishment when I get frustrated.  I did have a baby just 4.5 months ago, after all.  I need to do what my sweet friend Andrea recommended and give myself a little grace. Do I have smart friends, or what?? :) 

I hope you all have a happy Wednesday!  Tell me what's going on with you!

Mid-July Goals Checkup

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post.  If you didn't read them, go now!  I have such wise, beautiful readers! 

The month of July is over halfway finished, so I thought I would revisit my goals.  I haven't done a weekly report at all (shame shame), so here's my lame attempt at playing catch up.

1.  Get into the 180s.  As of Saturday, I weighed 191.2, but my weight has been fluctuating like crazy every day, so who knows what it will say on my "official" weigh-in on Wednesday.  It has been so long since I've seen the 180s, except for when I was gaining weight while pregnant.  The last time I was in the 180s while LOSING weight was in the beginning of January 2010.  So yeah, the 180s and I are long overdue for a reunion!

2.  Complete one month of weekly strength training using this book, You Are Your Own Gym, as my guide.  Umm, yeah, this goal?  So not gonna happen.  I tried two days of this workout and decided it isn't for me.  Even the beginner's exercises were pretty intense, and I pretty much hated it the whole time.  Strength training has never been my favorite thing, but I knew I would be even less likely to do it if I hated it, so I stopped.  My new goal: 30 Day Shred 3 times a week.  I've done it twice so far, and it's hard but rewarding. 

3.  Wake up at 6:00 a.m. for Bible reading and prayer.  I am doing terribly with this.  It's been hard the past week or so because Charlotte hasn't been sleeping well due to being sick, and so even on some days when I was awake at 6:00, I was holding her.  I really don't know how to make this happen consistently until she's on a more reliable sleeping schedule which will probably be when she's five years old. I would love suggestions/tips for working on this goal!

4.  Track all of my food and stay in range 5/7 days a week.  I have gotten into a terrible practice of tracking my breakfast and lunch and then forgetting to track dinner, so I honestly have no idea how I've done staying in range.  I think most days I've done fairly well, but I know this weekend wasn't so great. 

5.  No eating after 8 p.m. I believe there were only 3 nights where I did not do this, so at least one goal is going fairly well! 

I don't have a whole lot of time to turn this month around, but I am going to do what I can with what I've got! 

Broken

I have been frustrated today.

Frustrated with my body, which seems to want to hang out in the 190s forever.

Frustrated with myself, since just before writing this post I caved and went through the drive-thru at Burger King because today is Whopper Wednesday, and I needed a fast, cheap meal since we overslept this morning and I was late to work and didn't have time to grab anything at home.

Frustrated at God because He gave me this body that has always seemed to cling to every pound. Frustrated that I have to struggle daily with my weight when so many, including my own husband, never have.

And out of that list of frustrations, the only one that is justified is the second one. My body is not an independent being apart from me, maniacally holding onto fat and laughing in derision as I step on the scale to find that I have lost no weight. My body is what I put into it. And despite the fact that I resisted those donuts last week and even did some pretty intense weight training over the weekend, I didn't resist Burger King. I didn't resist chocolate pie earlier in the week, and I didn't resist an extra hot dog last night at dinner. I can't blame my body for only reflecting the lifestyle I am living.

And I certainly can't blame God. Yes, He gave me my body. He fashioned me in my mother's womb. He calls me "fearfully and wonderfully made." My body can do some amazing things, and it's all because God made it. But He did not make me choose years of sedentary living coupled with the consumption of copious amounts of junk food. He did not make me make excuses about working out.

It all boils down to the fact that I have bought into what author Lysa TerKeurst calls the "lie of the skinny jeans"--that I will be happy once I am skinnier. But you know what?

Skinny people have problems too. The life of the skinny person is not one of perfection or endless joy. I have caught myself envying those I know who are skinny and have watched them, thinking, "She can eat ice cream and not have it show up on her thighs a day later. Her life is perfect." Yet what I don't know is that she may have a myriad of other struggles that aren't obvious to me. The thing is, we live in a fallen world. We all sin and face trials and hardship and struggle. Skinny people are not immune from this.

We are all broken. We just break in different ways.

Our only hope of being put back together is God. So I will praise Him and beg and plead for Him to put me back together again.

Revelations 21:5: "Behold, I am making all things new..."

An Unfortunate First

Well, we have another first to add to Charlotte's memory book, but it's one I prefer we didn't have to add.  She has gotten her first ear infection, and not only that, but it's a double ear infection. :(  When the doctor at convenient care told us last night, I cried because I felt so bad and like I should have known sooner that something was wrong.  She had not been sleeping well the past few nights but seemed fine during the day, just smiling and mostly happy.  Her teachers at daycare mentioned that she had been fighting her bottles some last week, but she wasn't doing that at home with us, so we didn't know what was going on.  It wasn't until last night when she started spitting out the formula in her mouth that I knew something was definitely up, so we took her in.  I feel awful for her, but I am glad we took her in and have some antibiotics for her.  This was definitely a lesson learned for me.  Hopefully the antibiotics will start working quickly and our sweet Charlotte will be back to sleeping better and feeling better, and her tired parents can get some rest, too! 

To cheer up this sad little post, here's a picture my parents took of her when they kept her overnight last Friday while Stephen and I had a date night:

Man, I just love that face! 

Donut=Do Not

One thing that is great about starting my day with the Lord is that I have time to pray and ask Him to help me through the day.  So yesterday (and today as well) I prayed that God would give me strength to go through the day making healthy choices.  I prayed that He would keep me strong against temptations.  I gave to Him my day and told Him I wanted to hunger for HIM, not food. 

I was in a great mood when I got to work, feeling at peace and satisfied.  Then I opened my work email and read that one of my coworkers had brought in donuts for everyone.  I almost said out loud, "Seriously, Lord?  You're going to test me already?"  I resolved then and there that I would not touch the donuts, so I went about my business.  Fortunately for me, the donuts were downstairs in another part of the building, so I didn't have to face them directly.  In fact, by mid-morning I had completely forgotten about them.  All was right with the world. 

Then I had to go downstairs on that side of the building to hand over a check.  It was almost time for lunch, and my stomach was rumbling with hunger.  I was almost to my destination when I spotted it: that all-too-familiar white bakery box that I KNEW had delectable donuts inside.  I didn't stop then but headed to my destination, but in my mind I was thinking, "Okay, I will just look and see which ones are there, and if my favorite is among them, I'll eat it."  Then as I got closer to the donuts, dreaming about eating one, I stopped myself.  What was I doing??  What kind of logic was I using?  Uh, sure, Erin, glut yourself on a donut, only as long as it's one you REALLY like.  Good grief!  So I marched right past that box of donuts and back upstairs to my desk, not looking back. 

And you know what?  I was actually a little sad for a few minutes, but I would have been much sadder had I actually given in and had that donut.  That day, the donut lost, and I won.  The war continues, but I have experienced victory in at least one battle. 

July Goals

Apparently, I decided to take a week off from goal-setting and goal-achieving, since I neglected to make any goals for July until now.  Oops.  But I'm always of the mindset of better late than never, so here are my goals for this month:

1.  Get into the 180s.  The 190s and I have had about enough of each other, so THIS will be the month where we say goodbye!  This morning I was still at 193, so I have at least 4 pounds to lose to get to the 180s, and I'd of course love to lose a little more than that this month.

2.  Complete one month of weekly strength training using this book, You Are Your Own Gym, as my guide.  The plan he devises for beginners calls for only 20-30 minutes, 4 times a week.  There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to do that, barring some sort of injury.  The author, Mark Lauren, says that weight training is vastly superior to cardio (and I think he even would say cardio is a waste of time compared to weight training), so I am going to give my time to strength training for this month to see what kind of difference it makes.  I love that all the exercises are bodyweight exercises, so they require no equipment beyond things like a wall or a sturdy table/chair.  I'm all about simplicity.

3.  Wake up at 6:00 a.m. for Bible reading and prayer.  I got up at 6:10 this morning and was able to get in some solid time with God's Word, and I really do need this first thing in the day.  At night I am already so sleepy that I am really not giving God my best, just my leftovers. This month I am planning to read through Ecclesiastes and Philippians, plus a Psalm a day.

4.  Track all of my food and stay in range 5/7 days a week.  I didn't do well with this goal last month AT ALL, so I am hoping that I can get it in gear this month. 

5.  No eating after 8 p.m. I found myself falling into the habit of nighttime snacking, and by then I've already eaten my calories for the day, so I need to kick this habit to the curb! 

Those are my goals for this month (what's left of the month anyway).  I'm also planning to weigh myself every day this month, in the hopes that doing so will help me stay on track.  I feel good today, and tomorrow I will tell you all about my encounter with donuts! 

Lots of Happy

Happy Independence Day to all my American readers (which I'm assuming is most of you)!  Today also marks the fourth month of Charlotte's life, so in honor of both, a few pictures:


 


Her outfit was purchased by my mom, aka Nana, and I think it is absolutely adorable. I can't believe how big she looks!  And would you believe that twice in the last week she has slept from 8:00 p.m.-7:00 a.m.??  It was amazing, but of course that sort of thing is still the exception and not the norm.  Most other nights she sleeps from 8:00 or 8:30 until 3:00, then we get her to go back to sleep (most of the time without feeding her), and then she wakes up for the day between 6:00 and 7:00.  She's also graced us with more of her giggles, due mainly to Stephen's mom, whom Charlotte apparently finds quite amusing.  I hope to capture her giggles on camera at some point because they are SO cute.  She grins pretty much all the time, except of course when it's time to take a nap or go to bed, and then she's fussing and fighting sleep.  One day I will tell her about her resistance to sleep, and she will undoubtedly think, "Why in the world did I think it would be good NOT to sleep?"

I hope you all have had a great holiday weekend!