How People Find My Blog

The following are some of the search terms people entered that led them to my blog, according to Site Meter:

1. "Yoga makes me laugh." Well, that's better than it making you ill.

2. "Words used to describe a happy plate." Um, how about "happy"? My thoughts on the happy plate are here.

3. "Afraid I'll be a bad mom." I'm not really sure how this led to my blog, and even when I did a search with the same phrase, I got nothing related to my blog. I am sometimes afraid I will be a bad mom, however, and apparently I'm not alone. :)

4. "Actually yes, I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?"

5. "Will you be my friend? Check yes or no?" 4 and 5 were no doubt led to this post.

6. "Caught between the moon and New York city." This phrase has landed more people at my blog than perhaps any other, and that's because of this post.

7. "A pap doctor me." Ummmm...

8. "Need to break up night before trip." Oh, don't do that. That's sad.

9. "My preschool blogspot." I'm sure they were disappointed that my blog has nothing to do with preschool, although I have written about Stephen's and my experiences in extended session.

10. "Weight loss quotes Gilmore Girls." I have written on both of those topics, but I'm not sure they really belong together...

Do you know of any funny ways people have found your blogs?

Friday Five: Quotes from The Office

Last night was the sixth season premiere of The Office, and in honor of that, I'm listing some of my favorite quotes. This was almost an impossible task because there are fabulous quotes in pretty much every episode, but here are some that are memorable to me. "That's what she said" does not make the list because, well, it's obvious. :)

1. Michael Scott: "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information." I actually used this quote in a handout I gave to my students about the pitfalls of using Wikipedia as a source.

2. Andy Bernard: “I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.”

3. Michael: “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don't know... I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me... that's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.”

4. Dwight Schrute: “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

5. This is an exchange between Jim and Dwight, possibly one of the best ever:

Dwight: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No, and the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: No, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town!
Jim: Can I have a late check out?
[pauses]
Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager...even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I'm the owner....co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it...in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: But I haven't told you my salary.
Jim: Go.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year!

Honorable mentions:

Dwight: “Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”

Michael: “I love inside jokes. I'd like to be a part of one some day.”


If you watch The Office, what are some of your favorite quotes or favorite episodes?

Friday Five: Blogs that Make Me Laugh

I am sure there are many more blogs that evoke laughter, but here are 5 that never fail to crack me up.

1. The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. Users send in pictures of incorrect signage, often with hilarious or ridiculous results.

2. Apostrophe Catastrophes. This blog features grammar gaffes involving one of the most abused punctuation marks--the apostrophe--but also will post other abuses of grammar.

3. Passive Aggressive Notes. I just recently found this blog (I think I read about it from someone's Twitter post, but I don't remember whose), and it's hysterical. The tagline on the blog says it all: "Painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over."

4. Stuff Christians Like. This blog is a take on the Stuff White People Like blog, and not only is it funny, it is often painfully on-target.

5. BooMama. If you haven't read this blog, you're missing out. Boo Mama writes of her love of the South, bacon, TV, and God (not exactly in that order) with humor and honesty. Click here for an explanation of the blog's name.

I need help from my readers to find more funny blogs! What are some funny blogs you love?

From the Blog Archives: A Valentine's Day Reminiscence

In honor of Valentine's Day on Saturday, I thought I would re-post this entry from my blog about my worst Valentine's Day experience. It's long but well worth the read, in my humble opinion (and if you disagree, I don't want to know about it).

* * * * *

I thought that some of you anti-Valentine's people could use a little humor, so I am going to share the worst Valentine's Day experience I've ever had. It just so happens that this experience occurred just last year, and the only reason I didn't share it at the time is because the guy read my blog. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read it now, though, so I feel safe in telling this story. All parts of this story are completely true, unfortunately. Guys: let this be a lesson on how not to conduct a date. Girls: if you find yourself in a similar situation, try to be kind. Some guys just need more help than others.

I don't know if I ever really broadcasted this information on my blog, but I tried eHarmony last year for quite a while, and I went on quite a few dates (I called that school year the year of boys). I had been emailing this one guy, we'll call him Jim, for a few weeks, and he was funny and sweet in his emails, so I was a little interested. Then he called me a few times, and while it was pretty awkward, I chalked it up to nerves and hoped he would improve over time. He asked me out for our first date on Valentine's Day, and while I was definitely a little hesitant to have a first date with someone on the most romantic day of the year (supposedly), I felt bad saying no, so I said yes. Mistake number one.

So that night (a Tuesday), he came and picked me up, and he was really sweet, really cute, and he brought me roses and Godiva chocolates. A little much for a first date, but it was sweet. Then we get in the car, and it's kind of silent so I ask him what kind of music he likes. He replied with, "I don't really listen to music that much." What?! I insisted that he must have some sort of favorite, but he just said he listens to "whatever's on the radio." That's when I knew this wasn't going to go well. Our dinner reservations weren't until 9:30 or something crazy like that because that was the earliest reservation he could get, so we went to see Nanny McPhee first (which was really cute), and that was okay because it was a movie and we didn't have to actually communicate. Then we went to the place where he'd made dinner reservations, which turned out to be this pretty fancy place with "mood lighting" and a very intimate environment. Apparently one of his friends told him he should try it, but he'd never been there before. Everything on the menu was pretty much $18.95 and up, so I got a hamburger because it was only $12.95 (I think I should have ordered prime rib).

I wish I could tell you that the romantic environment was the perfect compliment to our date, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Turns out Jim's awkwardness on the phone was only a foreshadowing of the awkwardness I experienced with him in person. No matter what I did, Jim just couldn't carry on a conversation. I'd ask him a question, he'd answer, and then there'd be this awkward silence until I thought of something else to ask him. When I told him he could feel free to ask me something, he asked, "What do you want me to ask?" (Again, I'd like to remind you that this is all true.) Later I asked him to tell me something about himself that I didn't know, he sat there in silence, thinking, and then said, "I don't do well with hard questions." Since when is asking someone about themselves a hard question?? I couldn't believe any guy could be that socially inept, but poor Jim was. The end of the night couldn't come soon enough. After the (very long) dinner, he took me home, walked me to my door, and we said goodbye. I thought for sure that was it. No way could he think that went well.

I'm so naive.

The next day, not even twenty-four hours later, he called and asked me out again. I was so shocked I just kind of sat there for a second. I told him, as nicely as I could, that I didn't really see things going anywhere with us. He said he understood, thanked me, and we hung up.

But that wasn't the end. Later that day I got an email from him. In it, he thanked me again for my honesty and then asked what was wrong with him. Apparently he's only been on two dates in his entire life (he was 26 at the time),and ours was the better of the two. He wanted to know if there was some huge defect in his character that he needed to know about, or if he was just a lost cause. He even asked if it was because he wore a brown belt with black shoes because he knew that was wrong but couldn't find his black belt. (I kid you not, he really said that. That was probably the cutest part of the email.) After trying to figure out how in the world to tell him nicely that he has no social skills, I wrote him and explained that I felt like I had to work too hard on the date, that he didn't really try to get to know me, and that I was exhausted with having to carry the whole evening. So he wrote me back, thanked me some more, and said he understood everything I said and would I be willing to give him a second chance. Jim's persistent, I'll give him that. But I told him no. And I guess it's a good thing I did, since now I have Stephen, and we have no problem carrying on a conversation!

Jim, if you're out there reading this, I hope this Valentine's Day goes better for you. And if there are other guys like Jim out there, know that there are worse things to fear than a date with a girl. Just be yourself, act interested, and talk! That's pretty much all there is to it.

Can anyone top that story? I'd love to hear more Valentine's Day horror stories. Or, some really sweet Valentine's Day stories.

(originally published February 14, 2007)

Honeymoon or Harry Potter?

There's a couple in Oregon getting married on Friday, and the groom arranged for them to head straight to Barnes & Noble after their reception, where they will be given the first spot in line to receive the new Harry Potter (why do I type "Pooter" every time?). That's very sweet and everything, but seriously? Reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the honeymoon? On the wedding night, no less? Sounds like mixed priorities, if you ask me. (Of course, I'm just glad Stephen and I got married June 2 so I wouldn't have to choose between honeymoon lovin' and Harry Potter. Not as if that would be a tough decision or anything.) I love you, honey! :)

From a Disgruntled Shopper

Dear Wal-Mart,

I've been a longtime shopper of yours, often in spite of a desire to go anywhere but Wal-Mart. Your low prices and one-stop-shop appeal, however, keep luring me back. However, I must say that if you wish to keep my business, I highly recommend attending to the following problems.

1. If you're going to have 8 so-called "Speedy Checkout" lanes, have the decency to have at least half of them open. I can't even count the number of times I have gone to your store for just a few items, only to find that my "speedy" trip has turned into a "near-eternal" wait because there are only 2 "Speedy Checkout" lanes open, both of which are occupied by patrons who have exceeded the 20-item limit. Which brings me to my next suggestion...

2. If you're going to have a sign at the "Speedy Checkout" lanes that says "20 items or less," have the decency to enforce said sign (and it wouldn't hurt to have it be a grammatically correct sign, one that says, "20 items or fewer"). Just today I was at dear ole Wally World in the "speedy" lane, and both people in front of me had well over 20 items in their carts. Yet nothing was said to these patrons, and people like me, who only have 5 items, are forced to wait behind these rule-breaking fiends. (Of course I could say something to the people in front of me, but confrontation is not my strong point, nor do I want to get into a brawling match over some items in a shopping cart. Plus, I resent the fact that your slack rule enforcement would put me in the position of having to do that. I just want to buy my 5 items in a timely, efficient manner, but it seems I am often unable to do so.

3. Please stop redesigning the layouts of the stores. It is highly frustrating to go to a Wal-Mart in another town, only to discover that I can't find that much-needed item because the section it is in cannot be found in the place I'm accustomed to finding it. I would think that having a universal layout for all the stores would be somewhat intuitive, but perhaps counter-intuitive is what you're aiming for. If so, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work.

Life in Academia

EDIT: So the temperature is dropping pretty much every ten minutes or so. I'm a little nervous about these storm systems.

So yesterday I had to go to my bi-monthly tutor's meeting, and we ended up going to the Tomato Head for lunch. For all of you deprived souls who don't have a Tomato Head (and I think that would be all of you who don't live in Knoxville since I think it's a local place), it is one of the yummiest sandwich places I've ever been to. They also have pizzas and calzones and salads and an extensive dessert menu (which I didn't touch! go me!), and we had a fun time. It definitely was better than meeting in stuffy McClung Tower.

Anyway, my point of all this exposition is to tell you this incredibly humorous experience one of my colleagues had in the writing center. This guy came in with a paper for his botany class, and he said the assignment was to "write about any subject related to botany." Talk about broad, and there was no way to know if in fact that was the assignment because he didn't have the prompt, so my friend just asked him what he'd decided on. His topic? Plants in the Bible. I kid you not. So she did all she could to suppress a groan and read his paper. He started out talking about the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and how there's a debate about what kind of tree it is because despite popular opinion that it's an apple tree, the Bible doesn't in fact specify this (he is right on that point). So he said you couldn't say for sure it was an apple that Eve ate. Then he talked about Moses and the burning bush. He said that 80 years ago this would have seemed astounding, but now, knowing what we know about forest fires, it's not quite so astounding, since plants can in fact catch fire but not be consumed. (Where he got the "80 year" benchmark from, I have no idea.) Then he talked about grapes and how they used them to make their wine and thus it was different from what we consider wine. He said it wasn't as potent and that they didn't have other things to drink, like "sodas and sports drinks." Those were his exact words, so apparently he thinks they did have iced tea and frappes? The whole paper was like this, and I'm just glad it wasn't me reading it because I was laughing so hard when my friend was talking about it that it would have been hard to seriously help the poor guy. I appreciate his desire to incorporate the Bible into academics, but he was stretching it just a bit, and I don't know that his professor would even consider it to be a paper about botany.

Working in the writing center is nothing if not endlessly amusing. I had a guy come in this week who wanted to know if he needed to have a thesis statement for his paper. I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He said he was confused about that because then he'd have to make every sentence in his paper relate to his thesis, and I told him that's kind of the point. Then I asked him to see what he'd written, and he hadn't actually written anything, nor had he even picked a topic! Bless his heart. Oh, and the title of one girl's paper from my 102 class: "The Evolution of Photography During the Holocaust, Along with Other Art as Well." She just wanted to make sure she covered all her bases.

That's Just Stupid

I have one of those desk calendars with sheets that you can tear off every day, and the one I bought this year is called "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said." Some of them aren't all that funny. (In fact, a couple of them have just caused me and Elizabeth to say, "What?!") Anyway, there have been some gems that I'm going to share for your reading amusement.

Paris Hilton, when asked if she would like to go to Wal-Mart: "Do they sell walls there?" Paris, Paris, are you really that disconnected from the rest of the world?

President Bush: "I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today...He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." Now, I'm certainly not a Bush hater, but good grief.

Major General Bui Quoc Huy, Ho Chi Minh City's police commander: "If we sack officers for corruption, we will be seriously short of staff." HA.

Headline in Ohio newspaper: "Local Woman Dog Show Winner" Oh snap!

I've been trying to think of stupid things that I have said because I know there are lots (my parents often have wondered how someone so smart can be so dumb at times), but I can't remember any. I do remember this time when I was in fourth grade or something and we were eating dinner. My brother refused to eat his pork chops, so my mom told him he had to stay at the dinner table until he did. Of course, I, loving that he was in trouble, taunted him and then said, "I bet you my allowance that you won't eat those pork chops." (My allowance at the time was $4, corresponding to the grade I was in.) Of course my brother--money-hungry even then--was like, "Okay," and preceded to eat every last bite. Definitely not my smartest moment. We still laugh at that today.

What is something stupid you've said or done?

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Every year, the Bartlett Express publishes letters to Santa that kids in elementary school write in their classes, and some of them are hilarious. I thought I would share a few of the truly priceless ones for my readers. (All spelling and grammar is unedited. It's cuter that way.) Enjoy!

Dear Santa,

I want a 100 dollar bill and a pony.

* * *

Dear Santa,

I have a computer and the sky Hi movie. Merry Christmas. (If he has these things, why is he writing Santa? Haha.)

* * *

Dear Santa,

I dont no what I want I will think of something. Merry christmas.

* * *

Dear Santa,

May I please Have a Rmot Kchrl Dog? I have been good this year. Merry Christma! (I think she was asking for a remote control dog?)

* * *

Dear Santa,

I hope everyone wil have a great Christmas. What I want for Christmas is a laptop? I want most of all is my Christmas too be just right. One big big big bag of candy. One mor thing is for my dog too get the this lamp shad off. (Lamp shade?? Do we even want to know?)

* * *

Dear Santa,

I know you haft to driv a long way. I need toys candy choclet and love. (Aww.) I want a makeup set with a desk and cher. (Does she mean the singer? Hehe.) I want a word wall to.

* * *

Dear St. Nick,

I have been a good girl. How are your raindr? For Christmas I want a tomugae. (A what?)

* * *

Here's a great P.S. from one letter:

P.S. My mom wants my little sister to get potty-trained. Oh, please let it be a white Christmas.

* * *

Dear Santa,

I love Christmas. How bo reindeer fly. And how bo elfs make toys. I wonder woh Rodalfs mother is.

* * *

Dear Santa,

I don't want anything for Christmas. But for everyone to have a nice Christmas.
P.S. Nick said hello. (That's so sweet!)

* * *

Dear Santa,

You are the nicest man in the world. Say hi to Mrs. Claus for me. please don't give my dog anything. Give My Ma everything she wanted. (And another awww!)

* * *

This last one had my parents and I laughing forever, but we have no idea what the boy actually wants. Can anyone decipher this?

Dear Santa,

May I please have this? The stem tomis and that thang tanstsin to 4 thangs. I have been good this year. Merry Chrismus.

I mean, "stem tomis and that thang tanstsin"? What could that possibly be??? Kids are so cute!