I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I’m broken and grateful

~Sara Groves, "What I Thought I Wanted"

Isn't it funny how we so often think we know ourselves, only to find out the opposite is true? I used to think I knew who I was and what I wanted, but it seems that more and more my life is nothing but uncertainties. Being a planner and a control freak, this naturally disconcerts me, but when life is uncertain and all I have are questions without answers, I find God in the middle of the mystery. Or do I? I don't often stop "catastrophizing" everything that happens to me long enough to reflect on the presence of God, and this is more true now than ever before. I feel like I used to be introspective and constantly thinking about my relationship with God and how I can seek Him better, but that's not the case anymore. Part of it is fear--fear that introspection will lead me to conclusions I'm not ready to face or areas in my life that need changing. And part of it is a lack of faith--a lack of belief that God will take care of me and love me always. Having faith like a child is no small thing. "O Great God, be small enough to hear me now."