Unscripted

--One of my students in class today, after I mentioned the facebook group I created for my students: "I love having a younger teacher who knows how things work. Some other profs just look at the computer and get stressed." HA.  

--One of my other students, on coming to class: "I love this class. I look forward to coming it to every week." (Bless her!)  

--One of my other students, commenting on another student's request that she be allowed to bring her son to class (I said no because no work would get done): "Well, maybe she could bring him on a day when we don't do anything important." Oh okay, so that would be never, then!  

--Finally, my favorite: "Mrs. Mount, do you know what grinding is? Like the dance style?"  

Oh, the things they say! And this was only one class.

It's List Time!

1. Today I feel like a terrible teacher. I have a class that is a bit unruly, and it's been a challenge for me. I'm quite fond of having people like me, and so I feel very uncomfortable when I have to be stern in class because I worry about the students hating me. Stephen keeps reminding me that my job is to teach them, not be their friend, but it's really hard for me. Am I completely crazy?

2. I originally titled this "Fun with Bullets," but then realized I was numbering each item. Oops. I wonder how bullets got their name (I'm talking about the typographical symbol, not ammunition). Are the typed bullets called so because of their round shape? Because they're often used to make quick points, so it's like the speed of a bullet? (Yeah, probably not.)

3. iTunes 8 has a new feature called Genius, and it truly is genius. It works kind of like Pandora. You select a song in your library, click on the "Genius" icon, and then it searches your library for songs that complement the one you picked. I've tried it with a Fiona Apple song, a Jason Mraz song, a Bethany Dillon song, and a Natasha Bedingfield song, and I have LOVED each playlist iTunes generated! Definitely give it a try; I rediscovered a lot of songs this way.

4. I have received my first batch of papers. Guess what I'm doing this weekend?

5. There are four weeks until my birthday! In case you don't know, I LOVE celebrating my birthday. I love making a big deal out of it, and I always have. When I have kids, I am going to make a big deal out of their birthdays. Stephen couldn't care less about his birthday and doesn't like big deals made about him in general (I married such a humble guy), so I look forward to forcing my children to make big deals out of their days of birth.

6. Yesterday was National Punctuation Day. I feel that not realizing this is a personal failure on my part. To read one example of how one incorrectly used comma can cost millions of dollars, read this article.

7. My favorite punctuation is the semicolon; it's super.

8. Once again, alot is NOT a word! And your=possession (e.g., your coat), you're=you are (e.g., "you're silly). Why is that so hard for people to get??

9. Every time I see GG used to reference the CW show Gossip Girl, I want to hurl something at the computer. Everyone knows the original GG is Gilmore Girls, thank you very much! (And don't tell me the original GG is really Golden Girls. Let's be serious.)

10. I don't really have a tenth thing, but I can't end with an odd number, unless it's divisible by 5. Weird, huh?

First Days

Ever since I first entered kindergarten, I have adored the first day of school.  Other children, my brother included, screamed and cried and clung to their mom's skirts, despairing at thought of having to enter that classroom, but me?  I happily waved to mom and skipped jauntily into the classroom, eager to conquer the kindergarten arena.  I loved seeing all of the desks neatly arranged, the cubby holes ready and waiting to be filled, the decorations on the walls beckoning me closer, and of course, the Play-Doh.  I was hooked.  Each year, the night before the first day of school would come, and I would hardly be able to sleep for the excitement of wondering who would be in my class, where I would sit, what we would learn, what my teacher would be like, and I almost always woke up before I needed to, so anxious was I to start a new school year.  
New school years are new beginnings.  The grades from last year have been replaced with a clean slate (except within my mind, where I still can recall getting my first B in math, in fifth grade no less), the petty fights with friends have been healed by the summer months, and the promises of new experiences, new friends, and new knowledge shimmer in the morning sunlight. 

Now that I am on the other side of the desk, the excitement is still there, but it manifests itself differently.  I look forward to getting all of my office supplies in order: checking to see which pens still glide smoothly over the page and which just scratch and must be discarded; organizing my many sizes of Post-its; filing away last year's handouts; making out the week's to do list and writing in special events on my calendar, etc. etc.  I look forward to meeting a new group of freshmen, welcoming them into the world of college.  I look forward to exposing them to new ideas and new experiences, and I hope that in the midst of all the writing, they will have some fun, too.  I arrive at school early, to prepare myself and to pray for the students I will meet, and the excitement I feel is accompanied by another feeling:  fear.  My stomach does somersaults on that first day, as I think about all the things that could go wrong (me, the eternal pessimist): finding typos in my syllabus or going to the wrong classroom or completely butchering a student's name (I've checked my rosters, and there are some names I have no hope of pronouncing correctly).  What if I sound like a complete idiot?  What if they recognize me for the impostor I often feel that I am?  What if they're all smarter than I am?  What if I completely botch the whole semester and my students learn nothing?

But when I am tempted to just crumble onto my desk, consumed by these fears, I remember the phrase that has comforted me countless times before: worrying robs me of my joy and God of His glory.  If I focus on all of the these petty insecurities, that means I am not focusing on the One who looks at me and sees His daughter, the one He has fearfully and wonderfully made.  If I dwell on these fears, I give them power, and the only One who truly has power holds the world within His hands and will not let me go.  I am reminded of the words of David in Psalm 27:1:  "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"  Of whom (or what!), indeed? 

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple."  Psalm 27:4

Lame Excitement

I am easily excited.  I think this is an excellent quality, but sometimes I suppose my excitement over things like school supplies just comes across as weird.  This year at school I have my own office.  My very own office space!  And my door even has one of those dry-erase boards on it, so people can write notes on it!  (I'm sure my students will all be stopping by just to write "What's up?" on my door.)  I shared an office last year, and while my office mate was great, it was sometimes difficult sharing a computer and phone and office space, especially if we both had students in the office at the same time (as I often did because I'm so incredibly popular.  Ha.).  So I was really excited to see my name on the door, by itself!  (The fact that I have a nameplate was at one point a source of extreme excitement in and of itself.)  

The downside to all of this is the fact that my office is now in the engineering department.  (My old office now belongs to the new English department chair, as it was the only office available in the department.)  I have nothing against engineering, but I don't really know any of the people, and it will be weird to be completely detached from the rest of the English department.  I also have no phone or computer right now, but I'm told that will be remedied.  All in all, I think I will enjoy having my own office, and who knows? Maybe I'll pick up some engineering knowledge and change career paths.  I'm sure engineering is much more lucrative. 

One Day Down...

The first day of class has come and gone. I survived. I'm really curious to see how my classes shape up. Today everyone seemed to be at least mildly interested in what I was saying (or at least pretending to be so), so that's a plus.

I am worried about how I'll manage five classes, but I think it will only be terrible when I have 95 papers waiting to be graded (that will happen 4 times this semester). I don't like to think about all those papers too much. :)

I ended each of my classes in prayer, which was so nice, as that's a privilege I didn't have at UT. I really hope I can connect with my students and help them become better writers. I don't want my class to just be one the students just cross off their list of requirements; I want them to leave my class feeling more confident in who they are as writers and as Christians living in the world. I am honored to be at a university that cares about developing a Christian worldview, and I hope I can rise to the challenge.

EDIT: I can't believe it's been two years.

Back to the Bulldogs

Next Wednesday I start teaching at the college where I was a student not too long ago. It's going to be weird.

I can't wait.

I have had a fabulous weekend! Last night I went to TGI Friday's with my wonderful friend Lindsay (who needs a xanga!), and it poured down rain so we decided not to go see a movie but instead ran to Best Buy, bought a couple movies, and watched them in her dorm. We were hermits, and I loved it. Then today I went to my future roommate Elizabeth's house for lunch and met her parents, who are super-sweet. Her mom is French, and she made all of this amazing French food, and I was so impressed! It was seriously the best meal I've had in a long time. I wish I could cook. Elizabeth can cook, and she can sew. I can't do anything "housewifely." My future husband's going to be terribly disappointed.

But anyway, we decided on an apartment for the fall in quite a timely fashion for two self-proclaimed indecisive people, so we'll be residing in West Towne Manor! I feel so grownup. (That doesn't mean I am; I just feel like it.) We also bought a lovely shower curtain and looked at some other home decor items at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond and had an all-around fun time! Then I came back to Memphis and my mom showed me the 3 rooms of furniture they just bought to go in our new home (I still can't believe we're moving). Not much else to report. Life is good.

Hello, loyal fans! Since apparently I'm incurring fines for not updating and causing some severe withdrawals, I thought I'd give everyone a little relief. ;) I am in Knoxville at David's apartment, and he's studying this obscenely massive property law outline for a final and I'm playing on his computer. I'm sure he wishes he were me right now. Anyway, I made it here safe and sound despite the fact that my parents feared for my life and were convinced they were never going to see me again. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I really enjoyed riding in my car with the windows down and the stereo blaring (although I did drive by this one patch of interstate that smelled very much like manure, which was less than pleasant). Unfortunately, I have yet more evidence that supports the fact that I don't belong in grad school: I was planning to visit some apartments once I got here, but I didn't account for the time change, so by the time I got here it was 4 o'clock, not 3 like I thought, and my hotel ended up being in the middle of absolutely nothing, so by the time I found it and got the guy at the desk to quit playing Halo and check me in, I only had time to go see one place. (Elizabeth, if you're reading this, Kingston Square was not that great. I think we can probably cross it off the list.)

Anywho, I can't think of anything else to write, since I haven't had adequate time to process the enormity of the campus (we drove by there after we ate dinner), and this is a pretty boring entry, so I'll quit while I'm ahead. Hope everyone's having a happy Monday!

Well, it's official: I'm going to be a Vol. I heard from the last of my grad schools yesterday, and I got into UGA, but I didn't get funding, so my decision has been made without my having to do any stressing or worrying, and I praise God for that! I'm going to grad school! Yippee skippy! Now let's all start praying that UT will change that ghastly orange color to something pretty, like purple.

Well, I got another rejection today, this one from the University of Illinois. And I couldn't even cry about it b/c I was in my car roaming around b/c people were looking at our house and we couldn't be there while they did. Apparently they had over 200 applicants and could only accept 15, and I wasn't good enough. I'm really really sad. I was really hoping to end up either there or Notre Dame. I haven't heard from Notre Dame, but I'm thinking that if I hadn't heard by now, it's probably not good news, and if I couldn't get into Illinois or Vandy, no way will I get into Notre Dame. *Sigh*

I have to admit that I thought I would get into at least more than two schools. I thought I was going to have to make this huge decision between several, and as of now I only have one option. And while right now my pride is wounded and my heart is aching, I know that it's for the best. I have been praying since I started this whole process that God would make it absolutely clear where He would like me to be, and He's doing that. He also knows I am terrible at making decisions (I always second-guess myself, change my mind, and overanalyze), so He's only giving me one option so I won't have to make any decisions. And as a friend pointed out to me, He also knows the people I will meet, and maybe there is someone in Knoxville whose life I am supposed to impact for Christ. Plus, as another friend was wise enough to note, the timing of these rejections has been God-ordained; I don't think it was an accident that I got my letter from Knoxville before I got these rejections. So even though in my heart this wasn't quite what I had in mind, I know that God's ways are greater than mine and His thoughts higher than mine, and for that I praise Him. I praise Him that I am so hopelessly unworthy and less than deserving of anything, and He gives me everything, and more.

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry, and saves them." Psalm 145: 18-19

Sound of Silence

EDIT: Okay, I'm sad. I just checked Vanderbilt's web site, and I didn't get into their program. I didn't really think I would, and I didn't really even want to go there as much as some of the other schools, but it still totally stinks. I would think they'd at least send me a letter, but instead I get the information online (the "letter" was dated March 14, so if they had sent one, I would have gotten it by now). How nice and impersonal. Rejection stinks. I think I'll go cry now.

Okay, so now I have time to elaborate a bit more about my newly-discovered fear of silence. Is there a phobia for that? Anyone know so it'll save me the time of having to look it up? Anyway, I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving back to Memphis in the early a.m. after spending the night with a friend in Jackson. I started out with the radio off b/c I was so sleepy I didn't feel like listening to it, but the silence was almost a physical presence in the car with me, and I couldn't handle it. Is that weird? Probably, but I've always known I was little kooky. For a brief moment I thought, "You know, this would be a good time to spend just praying and praising God." But I couldn't do it. I felt this inexplicable urge to listen to music. So at first I put on a Shane and Shane CD and tried praying with that on, thinking that at least I'd have "spiritual" music to accompany my attempt at intimacy with God. After only a few minutes, though, I quit because I realized that I wasn't focused on my prayer at all; I was humming along to the songs.

Why is it so hard for me to be in a silent car, or in a silent office? I always have to have noise of some sort, even when I go to sleep at night. (I'm so thankful for the sleep timer on my iPod.) I think it basically boils down to a fear of being alone with my thoughts. By nature I'm a pretty introspective individual--sometimes a little too much so--but even when I write I have classical music or jazz playing in the background. Am I not able to think without external stimulation? I certainly hope not! Perhaps it's not so much a fear of my thoughts, but a fear of what God would say to me were I to be silent and allow Him to speak to me. I'm not saying I never have silent times before God, but more often than not my times with God are full of my endless rambling, and God can't really get a word in edgewise. What's funny is that if I am with another friend and it's quiet, I don't mind if I feel like it's a companionable, comfortable silence, and not a strained one. Sometimes it's nice to be with someone you love and not have to say anything. But when I'm alone it's an entirely different story. I was hoping that in writing this I would have clarified things for myself, but I don't really know that I have. So I'm sending this out to my dear readers and friends, in the hopes that perhaps I'm not the only one unwilling to embrace the silence.

This just in: I got into UT! I'm getting a tuition waiver and an assistantship with a stipend! How exciting is that?! They're going to pay me to learn!! I love that just yesterday I was freaking out about everything, and today I get this news. I don't know for sure if I'll go; it depends on what I hear from the other schools, but just to know that God is providing is exciting. God is so faithful!