Pressing Onward

I've been at this whole weight loss thing for 12 weeks now. Aside from one time about 8 years ago, I think that's the longest I've attempted something like this. (8 years ago is also when I was at my "skinniest.") I'm really proud of myself for continuing to stick with this, even though I don't always see the results I want. I know that even if it takes me two years to lose this weight (and I really hope it doesn't take that long), it will be worth it because I'm building a healthy future for myself, I'm creating a better version of me that will allow me to be a better wife and, someday, a better mom. I don't want to be unable to really play with my kids because I get winded after 5 minutes of exercise; I want to have the energy to be fully involved in their games of make-believe, the chases around the backyard, the tickle sessions. And I want Stephen to be able to pick me up and twirl me around in his arms. I want to feel his arms squeezing me tight. Just today he said that he thought he could wrap his arms around me more than he used to be able to, and that made me feel good.

I went back to the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the MRI, and thankfully I have no major problem. I do have something that I can neither spell or pronounce as it's scientifically designated but is basically "roughness under (or behind?) the kneecap." (And I just looked it up: chondromalacia patellar. Say that 3 times fast!) Right now the only thing is for me to continue doing the exercises I've been given and take the anti-inflammatory meds until I go back for a follow up visit on May 8. The doctor says in most cases, this problem goes away on its own, but occasionally the kneecap has to be "filed down," which doesn't sound too appealing, so hears hoping for natural recovery! I'm supposed to continue avoiding anything that requires too much bending, and he told me to avoid stairs, which I found amusing, since we live in a townhouse. (When I told him this, he said, "Well, then make sure you don't have to constantly run upstairs to retrieve things you've forgotten." I do this all the time.) I've been limiting the amount of exercise I do on the elliptical to about 15-20 minutes because I don't want to worsen the condition, and some days are easier than others in terms of pain. I look forward to being able to work out in full strength.

Now that I've kept up with this for a good amount of time, I feel more and more certain that this can be a lifestyle change. I keep visualizing myself as a "mini me," a slimmer, healthier me, and I hope that one day the vision becomes the reflection I see in the mirror. Still, I have to keep looking to the Lord to give me strength, to help me press onward towards the goal, both in this effort and in my every day life. He IS my strength. The moment I lose my focus on Him, this whole attempt means nothing. I was reminded last week of a passage in Philippians 3, one that I used to meditate on often but had nearly forgotten until recently. Philippians 3:7-14: But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I could lose those 100 pounds, but if Christ is not the center, then it's all worthless. May I have His face ever before me.

On the Heels of Despair Rides Hope

The Bad: I stepped on the scale this morning and found that I have gained back the weight I lost last week. I was upset, to say the least.

The Good: This afternoon I went to Bartlett and stopped by my parent's house to pick up my mom for a wedding shower. My aunt was visiting, and she said, "You look like you've lost weight!" And two people at the shower said similar things.

On a day when I was feeling completely like a failure (and a fat one at that), God sent grace in human form.

Casting Down Idols

I'm in a funk.

I don't feel like I've made very good choices with my food at all this week, and I haven't been able to exercise much because of my knee. I've done a lot with weights, in the hopes of counteracting the decreased amount of cardio, but overall I just feel discouraged. The truth of the matter is, even though I've lost 15 pounds, I'm still a glutton. Food is an idol in my life that needs to be destroyed. I almost typed "that I need to destroy," but I know that I can't do it. I absolutely cannot conquer this with my strength. I have no strength and no willpower. Just this morning I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast because we had some extra time, and let's just say I ate a lot more of them than I should have. And of course I felt guilty almost immediately afterwards. In one meal, I consumed almost half of my calories for the whole day. That's pathetic! I expected those kinds of lapses when I first began this process, not almost 3 months into it. If this idol is going to be destroyed forever, then God has to do it, and I have to trust and believe that He will, if I hand it over to Him. I must surrender my desires for His.

I think after losing 3 pounds last week, I was so excited and so confident that I was on the right track that I let my guard down. I wasn't as vigilant this week, not as focused on what was going into my body. It seems that I assumed I wouldn't always have to be so careful, but I do. This is a lifestyle change, a mindset change, and that change isn't going to happen overnight.

I don't want to be consumed with losing weight; I want to be consumed with love of God. I want to long for Him, hunger after Him and not a piece of chocolate. As sad as this sounds, I think my thoughts about food outweigh my thoughts about God, and that is despicable. Food offers temporary satisfaction; the Lord is the eternal wellspring of life! May I drink deeply from its depths.