Happy Thanksgiving

The day is almost over, but I was able to snatch a few minutes to write a post.  It would be a shame to have spent a whole month on gratitude and yet not write an entry on the very day of Thanskgiving.

Last Thanksgiving, I was still recovering from a week in the hospital and grappling with my new ulcerative colitis diagnosis. Having been sicker than I had ever been in my life, I was filled with gratitude to simply be alive. This is not to say that I truly felt I was going to die when I was in the hospital, but there may have been a few points where I thought death may have been preferable. But the Lord, in His mercy, saw fit to bring me through that time, and even now I cannot think of that time without being overwhelmed with thankfulness that my life, while completely changed by my diagnosis, is still my life, and it is in the ever-capable, ever-trustworthy hands of God.

Today, I am thankful that I am healthier now than I was a year ago. I am thankful that I have not seen the inside of a hospital all year. I am thankful that I have wonderful health insurance. I am thankful that I got to spend the day with my amazing husband, precious daughter, and wonderful in-laws. I am thankful that I live in a country where I am free to worship Jesus, free to speak and sing His praises whenever I desire. I am free to read His Word and have free access to it. I do not have to live in fear of persecution.

I lead a truly blessed life, and I pray that on days that I feel discontent or wish for something more that I would remember all that God has given and stop and dwell on the goodness of the Lord.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. May you know the peace and love of Christ.

Day 26: My Parents

We don't get to choose our parents, but I am so glad that God gave me mine. They have had to put up with a lot from me over the years, and their love for me has never wavered. I was never one to get in trouble at school or trouble of any kind for that matter, but I know I gave them headaches for different reasons. I was an emotional train wreck for most of my adolescence, and even when I was in grad school, I called my mom on more than one occasion, crying my eyes out and desperate for her kind words and wisdom. They have always been my biggest cheerleaders, and I am so thankful for how they have loved me. I also love seeing how they love Charlotte, and I pray they have many years of grandparenting ahead of them.

Mom and Dad, you are the best. I love you forever.

 

Day 25: Taking a Shot at Health

(Yes, I skipped days 23 and 24. Yes, I know I'm lame.)

Today I am thankful for something that I never thought would be a part of my life: a weekly injection. Humira, which is an injectable drug, has been my companion for going on a year (I can't even believe that). While it took a really long time to work, it does finally seem to be working, and I am so thankful for how it has given me back my health.

I hate having to give myself a shot once a week because it hurts every time, but if that is what it takes to feel better, then that is what I will do. My doctor told me at my last checkup that I could go back to taking the Humira every other week, which is the typical dosage. I haven't done that yet though, mainly because I am afraid of what will happen if I do. Because it did take so long for me to feel good, I am hesitant to change anything.

The first time I had to get the shot, I went to my doctor's office so the nurse could train me. The first dose is a "loading dose," so I had to do 4 shots that time, and I remember crying my eyes out because it hurt so much and because I couldn't believe this would be my life now. When I reflect on that time now, I am encouraged because God has brought me a long way and what once was so traumatic has become routine.

I don't know how long Humira will work, but I will be grateful for it as long as it does.

Day 22

Today I am thankful for quiet, simple nights at home. Candles burning, pizza delivered, Wii games played. I am glad I am married to my best friend.

Day 21: O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" is my favorite Christmas song. I love the haunting melody, the minor key, the hope and longing expressed in its words. Last year, my church choir sang a version that I have decided is my absolute favorite. (We're singing it again this year, but I am sadly not going to be there that Sunday.) The only version I could find on YouTube is not good quality, but you can listen to a recording by following this link. Trust me, you won't regret it!

I am so thankful for music and for songs like this that are timeless and theologically rich. I can't wait to teach all of the songs I love to Charlotte.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

Days 19 and 20

Yesterday I was thankful for this:

Sunset near Jackson downtown post office

 Even though I don't love the fact that it gets dark earlier in the winter, I do love getting to see the sunset every day as I drive home from work. It is such a lovely way to conclude the work day.

Today, I am thankful for this:

Oh, you know, just wearing a coat indoors.

For the longest time, Charlotte refused to smile in pictures. In fact, in some she downright grimaced. There is a family picture that we took with my immediate family last year that cracks me up every time I look at it because Charlotte has an almost murderous look on her face. The only time we managed to capture a smile is if she didn't know we were taking her picture. Now, however, she loves to cheese it up for the camera, and while the smile above is not her genuine smile, I love the way her little face scrunches up.  Every time I see her smile, I smile too. How can you resist that face?

Day 18: Ode to the Slow Cooker

Dear slow cooker, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thy easy controls, low and high.
I love thy cavernous depths, where many a chicken breast
cooks to tender, juicy perfection,
where many a soup simmers with a delicious hum.
With simply the touch of a button, dinner is started,
peace of mind attained.
Friend to tired mothers and weary workers everywhere,
you greet one and all with succulent aromas
after a day of toil, and happy families gather around you,
a circle of love.

***

So, pretty sure Elizabeth Barrett Browning just rolled over in her grave, but seriously, how awesome is the slow cooker? :)

Day 17: My Church

3 years ago on Reformation Sunday, Stephen and I joined First Baptist Church. It was one of the best decisions we ever made, and I am so thankful that God led us there. We have a pastor who is passionate about preaching God's Word and is wholeheartedly devoted to the gospel of Christ, and we have a congregation that is warm and welcoming and like a family. Stephen and I have both been challenged in our walks with the Lord and have developed some wonderful relationships.

When I first got sick last year, we saw firsthand how God uses the body of Christ to be His hands and feet. So many people reached out to us during that time, and it was one of the things that reminded me daily of God's love for me. People brought us meals for weeks, visited me in the hospital, called, sent texts, emailed, sent cards, and most importantly, prayed for us. I am so grateful that we had our church family there to help us through that really difficult and stressful time in our lives.

I would encourage anyone reading this to seek out a church home, if you don't already have one. I count my church as one of the biggest blessings of my life.

Days 15 and 16

Once again, I am playing catch up on the weekend! I will try and do better next weekend!

Day 15: I am thankful for the date night that Stephen and I had on Friday night. Our church sponsors these every so often, and all the parents get to drop their kids off at church for a few hours of free babysitting and then go on a date! We went to Outback and had a yummy dinner and loved spending time together while having conversation that didn't revolve around a toddler. :)

Day 16: I am thankful for the fun day we had as a family. We got several chores done in the morning and then had lunch at Chic-fil-A and let Charlotte play on the playground before going shopping at Target, where we got gifts to put in our Operation Christmas Child box. I love Saturdays when we can all just relax and spend time together as a family.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Day 14: For Chestnut

When I was a sophomore in college, my parents surprised me with a new-to-me car, a 2-door black Saturn. I loved that car; it was worlds cooler than my first car (a red Mitsubishi Mirage hatchback), and it even had a sunroof! Unfortunately, I only enjoyed that car for about 8 months before it was totaled in a tornado that hit my college campus the fall of my junior year. During my Thanksgiving break that year, my parents and I went shopping for a new car for me, and they ended up buying me a brand new 2002 Mazda 626. When we drove it off the lot, it had fewer than 10 miles on it. I quickly named my beloved car The Chestnut Cruiser, in honor of her color, which the manufacturer dubbed "chestnut" (aka maroon).

This car was awesome first because it had 4 doors, which made it much easier to bring lots of friends with me on various outings. It also had oscillating air vents, something that some people mocked but which I absolutely loved. Another favorite feature was the little space solely intended to store a pair of sunglasses. I have many fond memories of the early years of this car. It saw me through my final semesters at Union, accompanied me as I moved back home to Memphis for a year and then again when I ventured out to the unknown of grad school a year after that. It was my faithful companion on the many treks I made across the state while Stephen and I were dating long distance.

Now, 11 years after I got it, the car is definitely the worse for the wear. The paint on the hood (and along the tops of the door panels as well) is peeling; the chrome license plate frame (I'm sure that's the technical term) fell off long ago; there is a random fuse that goes out every few months; and when I start the car, a nice squeal lets everyone around me know of my existence. Truthfully, sometimes when I am walking to my car, I cringe because it's just not pretty to look at anymore. It's old and tired, but it's also still running. I have had very few major problems with my car, and it has almost 112,000 miles on it. Even though I'm not driving the nicest car around (or even the second or third nicest, haha), I am still driving a car. I don't have to worry about how I will get to work or how I will get to church or to the store to buy food. I don't have to rely on public transportation.

So, Chestnut Cruiser, though I may mock you, I love you. And when the time comes for us to get a new car, I just might miss you, too.

Me showing off my car the weekend I got it. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Day 13: Messiah

As I've already mentioned, my church's choir is performing selections from Handel's Messiah as our Christmas program this year. I am really thankful for timeless music, and I am thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to learn these rich, complex songs. I've had "His Yoke Is Easy" in my head for days, and so I'm sharing it here. It's lovely. Also, I'm glad I'm not a soprano. Mercy, there are some high notes in this music! :)

Day 12: Home Sweet Home

When we moved into our house about 3 and a half years ago, things didn't go quite as smoothly as we'd have liked. Our air conditioner broke and stayed broken for a month (in JUNE) while we fought with (and lost to) the home warranty company. We also found out that our backyard was riddled with fleas, as evidenced by the small army that attacked our poor dog and made her reluctant to go out into her new, huge playground. I was downright discouraged by this sequence of events and struggled to remain grateful during those first few weeks of living in a new-to-us house that wasn't living up to my idea of the American dream.

Fortunately, the air conditioner FINALLY got fixed, and we eliminated all the fleas. We were able to start enjoying our home and making it ours, and I am so thankful for it. It's not very big (in fact some days it feels entirely too small), and it's in need of some updates, but when I walk in the door, I feel at home. That's enough for me.

Our backyard this summer. It's awesome.

Day 11: For the Veterans

Today I am truly thankful for those who have served and are still serving our country. I know I take for granted the sacrifices that military personnel and their families make on a daily basis. Because of the men and women of the armed forces, we can go to sleep in peace. We have freedoms that don't exist in many places around the world, and the people of our military have played a role in securing and sustaining those freedoms.

Thank you, veterans. A day really isn't enough.

Days 8-10

Obviously I'm doing a little catch-up today. Kind of sad that I only made it 7 consecutive days of blogging. I was thankful for things each of day but fell asleep early and didn't get to blog them.

Day 8: I am thankful for getting off work an hour early. This is a common occurrence on Fridays, and I love it. I am very blessed with my job.

Day 9: I am thankful for Charlotte's friends at daycare. One of her friends had a party at FunZone, a bouncy house place in town, and Charlotte had the best time. It was cute to see her interact with her pals from daycare.

Day 10: I am thankful that Charlotte successfully made it through the night in her toddler bed. We decided to convert her crib yesterday, kind of on a whim, and it has gone really well so far. She slept there for nap time yesterday and today, and also made it all of last night without getting out of bed. We will see how it goes tonight, but I am hopeful. I can't believe how big she is getting! 

This high-quality photo courtesy of my iPhone.

I hope you all have had a great weekend!

Day 7: Cozy

Today I am thankful for chilly nights that require sweatshirts and flannel pants and comfy slippers and oh-so-soft blankets.

Ahhh...

Day 6: Let It Rain

It has been a rainy day, and while I sometimes think of rain as a huge nuisance, today I am thankful for it. I love the sound of rain hitting the windows or lightly drumming on the roof. I love the way it makes the streets glisten. I love the way the air smells right before it rains. Without rain, we wouldn't appreciate the sunlight nearly as much. Without rain, there would be no rainbows.

I also have some fond memories attached to rainy days. I wrote about this at length in an earlier post, only a year after Stephen and I had been married. What struck me when I went back and reread that post is this sentence: "And while we've been dealt several times of physical rainfall, thus far we've been incredibly blessed not to experience that metaphorical rain of hardship, rain that seeps into your soul and causes you to take cover." I almost laughed when I read that because we've definitely seen our share of hardship since then, most of which occurred in the last year. But I am grateful for the difficult times we have faced because they have strengthened our faith and also strengthened our marriage.

Tonight, as I listen to the rain fall outside, I praise God that He will always provide shelter during the storms we face.

Day 5: Magically Delicious

I'm keeping it simple and superficial today. Today I am thankful for cereal, specifically this cereal:

Yes, I know they're junk and terrible for you, but it's my childhood in a bowl. What can I say? :)

What's your favorite cereal?

Day 4: My Girl

Even though she woke up at 5:20 this morning and didn't go back to bed. Even though she pitched a screaming fit the whole way home from daycare. Even though she is the pickiest eater on the planet.

I can't help but love this girl.

She gives the sweetest hugs and kisses, has the best giggle, and lights up a room with her smile. I am so blessed that I get to be her mom.

Day 3: Wuv, True Wuv

This was one of those weekends where I happened to be gone for a majority of the time. Yesterday, all of the morning and a portion of the afternoon was spent at choir practice. Today was another choir practice and then assisting with children's choir, and before that I went to run a few errands. This meant that Stephen was with Charlotte for most of the weekend. I am so very thankful that I am married to a man who is not only a good husband but a good father.

I knew I loved Stephen when I married him, but my love for him has only grown as I have watched him parent Charlotte. He is such a loving, kind, thoughtful, and fun father. He is often far more patient with Charlotte than I am, and nothing brings me more joy than seeing the two of them laughing together.When I was sick last year, he bore the brunt of the work at home and was practically a single parent, but he never complained or even acted like he was tired. He was my rock during that time, and I can't imagine going through the past year without Stephen.

I am so grateful for how God has blessed me with my husband. I pray that I will never take him for granted.

Day 2: Make a Joyful Noise

Today I spent about 5 hours practicing with my church's choir for our Christmas program, and I don't think I could have enjoyed myself more. We are doing selections from Handel's Messiah this year, and I am looking forward to it immensely.  Before this year, I was only familiar with 2 of the songs, so it has been a tremendous learning experience for me. It also doesn't hurt that we have a fantastic choir director.

I have loved singing since I was a little girl and have been a part of choirs since elementary school. There is something about music that speaks deeply to my heart, as I know it does so many others, and the fact that I also have the chance to sing the songs that have so moved me is such a gift. I am thankful for the ability to sing, and though I am not the best singer, I sing with my whole heart and like to think of it as a small offering to the One who gave me my voice.

Here is one of the songs that we are singing, entitled "And the Glory of the Lord." Obviously we will sound just like this recording. Ha! :)

30 Days of Gratitude

Those of you on Facebook have probably seen the trend of the past few years that involves stating one thing you are thankful for each day in November. I have never participated, but this year I felt drawn to the idea of deliberately looking for something to be thankful for each day. However, I have decided to post my daily "thanksgiving" on my blog, so I can be more verbose than a Facebook status post usually allows.

Today I am thankful for the beauty of nature. I was especially struck by the vibrant reds, golds, and oranges of autumn as I drove to work this morning. I took a moment to thank God for the beauty He places all around us, the beauty I get to enjoy in the midst of the monotonous, routine drive I make every day. The wind had the leaves on the trees practically dancing and clapping, as if in praise to their Creator, and I thought of the day when we will all bow before Him and worship. What a day that will be.

What are you thankful for?

A picture from our recent trip to Natchez Trace State Park

Birthday Blues

I have always loved my birthday. I get excited weeks in advance, thinking about that day. What can I say? I love people to make a fuss about me, and my birthday is the one day where I know that will happen.

This year, however, is different. My birthday is a week from today, and at best, I am feeling ambivalent about it. It's not because I'm turning 32 and don't want to feel older; I actually like the idea of being 32 (I like even numbers), and I don't feel old.

So what's the problem? The problem is last year.

Last year on my birthday, I was sick with what I thought was a urinary tract infection. (If only...) I stayed home from work and was miserable and uncomfortable.  I could barely walk without feeling intense pain. The very next day, I had a CT scan of my abdomen that revealed an inflamed colon. That was the beginning of a truly terrible next few weeks, culminating in an admission to the hospital and my diagnosis of ulcerative colitis.

Whereas before I associated cake and presents and love with my birthday, now I think about illness. And while I know it's completely irrational, I have had this growing fear that I will end up sick again on my birthday. I have only truly felt well since August, and I suppose I am worried that these past two months are a fluke and that it's only a matter of time before I find myself making dozens of trips to the bathroom all over again.

I don't want that. I really, really don't want that.

The thing is, I am not guaranteed anything. I could wake up tomorrow and be sick. Or I could go five years without experiencing another flare. There is no way to know, which is both infuriating and reassuring. It's infuriating because I love to plan, and I can't plan a flare. It's reassuring because there is no point in being racked with fear and anxiety over something I can't control.

In fact, I am not in control at all. My life is not my own but is in the hands of my Creator, who has proven Himself as a faithful caretaker over and over again. As the song goes, "Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?...His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

Though I have let fear take root, I have to choose joy instead. I have to trust that no matter what the next year brings, God will see me through it. He saw me through this year, the hardest of my life, and He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. So next week when I celebrate 32 years of life, I will choose to be thankful instead of fearful, hopeful instead of anxious. That's the gift I will give myself.

How to Ruin Your Morning

This morning, for the first time in I don't know when, I was excited to get on the scale and weigh myself. For the past week, I had counted calories, even measured out portions, and I walked/ran 4 different times, which is 4 times more than the weeks prior to that. I hadn't been perfect (the weekend saw to that), but I had made a lot of good choices, and I was confident that I had lost at least a pound, maybe even two. I stepped on eagerly, waited for the numbers to appear, and then sighed.

I hadn't lost a thing. Not even one ounce.

Just to be sure, I stepped off the scale and stepped back on, hoping that it had been a fluke. The reward for my double-checking was the exact same number. No loss.

I am ashamed to say that seeing that number on the scale turned what had been a very joyful, upbeat morning to a very grumpy one. I couldn't believe that all my hard work had yielded no results. I spent the rest of the morning feeling discouraged and disappointed. What was the point of all that hard work if I wasn't going to lose weight?

What is so ridiculous about all of this is that had I not gotten on the scale, I would have had a great morning. I woke up and went for a run in the crisp autumn air, and I was still basking in the weekend's victory of having run over 2 miles consecutively for the first time since early spring. I was proud of the fact that I had stayed relatively in control of my eating choices for a week, and I was looking forward to another week of working out and making good choices.

Given all of these positive outcomes, why did I so easily let the number on the scale wield so much power over me?  After 5 and a half years of trying to lose weight, you'd think I'd know a thing or two by now, but if the past year has taught me anything, it's that I know nothing. But I do know Someone who knows all, and when I take my eyes off Him--when I focus on myself and what I think I need instead of focusing on Christ and the truth that He supplies all my needs--I find myself in the defeated place I was in this morning.

Fortunately for me, I have friends who are smarter than I am, and one of them reminded me that gratitude brings joy, so I began to thank God for this morning. I thanked Him for the fact that I woke up on time (a small miracle in itself); I thanked Him for the legs that allowed me to run; I thanked Him for the sunrise; I thanked Him for my sweet husband who loves me regardless of what a stupid scale says. And I even thanked Him for that number on the scale because this struggle with my weight reminds me of my inadequacy and my utter need for a Savior. I can always be grateful for that.

Sunrise on a recent run.

An Interview with Charlotte

I know I win the prize for lamest blogger ever, but how about a cute video of my kid? We "interviewed" her a few weeks ago, and here is the result:


 A few notes:
1. When she says her full name, it sounds like she's saying "Sorry Mount." Love it. 
2. I promise I didn't tell her to pick purple as her favorite color.
3. We filmed this video while she was eating dinner because then she can't go anywhere. :) Hence, the pretzels (which she was dipping in ketchup).
4. I filmed this with my iPhone, thus the tiny screen width.
5. Hearing her sing "Jesus Loves Me" melts my heart. Man, she is so cute. I know, I'm biased. :)


I am going to try to do these little interviews every so often so we can see how her answers change as she gets older. I can't believe she is already 2.5 years old!

The More Things Change...

If you've read even a few posts on my blog over the past year, then you know that I have been through my share of changes, the biggest of which is obviously my ulcerative colitis diagnosis. Beyond dealing with that diagnosis, the only other change that occupies much of my thoughts is my weight (I know, you're all shocked). But truly, my weight has gone up and down in truly astounding fashion. I decided to check my blog and see what I weighed around this time last year, and fortunately I found that I had actually recorded my weight for this exact date. On August 12, 2012, I weighed 178.6. Do you know what I weighed this morning? 179.6. That's one pound higher than this day last year, and a whopping TWELVE pounds higher than my weight at the beginning of this year. I managed to get down to 170.8 in the beginning of October 2012, and not long after that I got sick. I actually didn't lose a whole lot of weight when I first got sick, but when I got home from the hospital, the weight came off at an alarming rate (about 10 pounds in two days, then 5 or so more after that). At one point, the scale was down to 150. I knew that wouldn't stay, and I didn't expect it to, so when I managed to stay between 155 and 158 for about a month, I was happy. I hoped that even though I lost all of that weight because my body was sick, I could maintain the loss. I even wrote about how losing weight wouldn't be one of my goals for the new year for the first time in ages. I was filled with excitement and optimism! 

Taken in November on my first Sunday back to church. 150 pounds

Silly, silly me.

By the middle of January, five years into my weight loss journey, I was back up to 167.6. To be fair, I was on a TON of medication (including prednisone), and I do think that it wreaked havoc with my body in lots of not-so-great ways, but I can't blame it all on the medicine. If it were solely the medicine causing the problem, when I went off the prednisone in March all of my weight gain should have stopped. But it didn't, and now I find myself at a weight that makes me anything but comfortable, a weight that is almost exactly what it was at this time last year. If nothing else is consistent, at least I am consistent about gaining weight, right?

"But Erin," you say, "You had goals, you had a reward system! What happened?" In a nutshell, fatigue happened. Depression happened. Laziness happened. Honestly, this has been a HARD nine months, and the struggles manifested themselves in my eating habits. Even now, when at times I feel like I can't eat ANYTHING, I still overeat. I still eat junk. All of that eating combined with virtually no exercise due to severe fatigue is a recipe for failure.

So I find myself coming back to the brink of 180 pounds all over again, and I want it to be the last time, but part of me feels helpless. I don't know if making a plan will help. I've made plans, lots of them, and in the end they meant nothing.

The truth is, I don't need another plan. I need freedom from this bondage.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." ~Galatians 5:1

On the Mend

Well, hello there.

I'll be honest: I hadn't planned on coming back to this blog. Sometime after my last post I decided I was weary of blogging and thought I would stop blogging and just focus on enjoying life and getting better, without having to worry about what my next post would be about. The time away has been good. I haven't thought much about the blog (and I am sure you haven't either), but I have started to miss it. I have started to think about posts in my head, have started planning what I might say. So I'm coming back, somewhat tentatively. And of course this isn't the first time I've stepped away only to return later, so I'm sure no one is surprised by any of this.

The good news (and I mean really fantastic, wonderful, awesome news) is that I am finally starting to feel better! I went to see a GI at Vanderbilt back in June (after waiting 2 months for the appointment), and while there I got some dietary recommendations and some treatment recommendations. I have been limiting my dairy intake and also limiting my fiber intake, and while both have required some pretty significant mental and logistical adjustments, the changes seem to be helping. I have not completely eliminated all dairy, but I am not having it with every meal like I used to, nor am I even having dairy every day. I REALLY miss ice cream, but if my body can heal better without ice cream, then so be it. The doctor also recommended that I get another colonoscopy (so we could have a better idea of the current state of my colon) and then make some medication changes. It took several weeks to actually get the colonoscopy scheduled, so it was July 18 before that happened. All the trips I had to take to the bathroom on the day that I had to do the prep had me flashing back to late October/early November when I was at my sickest. It made me realize how far I really have come since then, and I am SO thankful.

After the colonoscopy, my doctor said that my colon looks a lot better than it did previously. Whereas before he would have categorized my disease as moderate-to-severe, now it is only mild. And THEN, when I got the results of the biopsies that he took, I found out that the biopsies showed no evidence of active disease! Remission, here I come! Because of the progress I have made, for now I am sticking with the Humira (and those dreaded weekly shots) and adding in one other medication, Imuran.

The one nagging problem I have is fatigue. I am tired all.the.time. I can sleep for eight hours and yet feel like I could take a nap at any given time (and on the weekends I almost always do). Some days I feel as though it is a monumental chore just to drag my body through the day. I am very deficient in iron, vitamin D, and B-12, so I think all of that plays into the fatigue issue, and I hope that the supplementation I am doing will help.

All in all, my health is definitely improving, and I am beyond grateful. I wouldn't trade the experience I've had because of how much the Lord has taught me in the process, but I am also very excited to be feeling closer to normal (as normal as I can be, haha).

Recent family pic. Of course Char isn't looking at the camera.

If anyone is still reading this pitiful blog, catch me up on your life! How are you?

Well-Placed Hope: An Ulcerative Colitis Update

I have had a few people ask me how my ulcerative colitis is doing, so I thought I would post an update. I started a new medication called Uceris back in April after coming home in the middle of a work day because I felt so bad. I actually missed 4 days of work in April, the most I have missed in any one month this year. That first day I went home sick, I called my GI doctor and told him that I still was not doing much better even after increasing my Humira injections to once a week instead of once every other week, so he prescribed the Uceris. Uceris is a steroid that is released directly into the colon and therefore has fewer side effects than prednisone, which I hated taking. I have been very pleased with the lack of side effects while I've been on Uceris, but I am also not sure it's helping me too much either. I have had a few better days this month, but I've also still had some really difficult days. Along with prescribing the Uceris, my doctor also referred me to the IBD Clinic at Vanderbilt, and the only downside to this is the fact that my appointment is not until June 26!

What I am struggling with right now is not knowing exactly what is normal and not normal with this disease. Maybe how I am now is as good as it gets. The thing is, while my disease is definitely more tolerable than it was when I was first diagnosed, it's still no fun whatsoever. I still have diarrhea on a daily basis (I know, ew, but it is what it is), and sometimes I still can't even sleep through the night because I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I get uncomfortable stomach cramps, and sometimes I have terrible abdominal pain off and on all day. I am tired all the time, and I can't run like I used to. Even just a 2 mile run I did recently had me heading to the bathroom not long afterwards, and that is depressing to me. Running is one of the ways that I relieve stress, but now I am anxious about how my body will respond if I go running, so I haven't run very much.

I have thought in the past, based on what I've read and heard, that if I found the right medication, I would go into remission and not have any symptoms of my UC.  Obviously I'm not there yet. And after having lived with a diagnosis for 6 months while still not being in remission, I am definitely ready to get there. But what if remission in fact isn't a complete removal of symptoms, only a lessening of them?

As I shared with a friend recently, I am weary. Weary of waiting on medicines to work, weary of not feeling like myself, weary of having to always be conscious of where a bathroom is. What I dream of is a week, or even a day, when I can forget that I even have ulcerative colitis. Is that possible? I really, really hope so.

And that's the thing: because of the Lord, I still have hope. I have hope that even though I may never see complete relief in this life, one day I will be with Jesus, and there will be no more disease, no more tears, no more pain. I will bow before my Savior and be with Him forever. Nothing gives me hope like knowing that I will get to leave all of this behind and just soak in His presence.  I am grateful to God for my ulcerative colitis if for no other reason than I long for heaven like I never did before. I also have a deeper appreciation for the empathy that Christ feels for us, and I have seen the body of Christ minister to me in profound ways.

My prayer is that no matter what comes, I would endure it well. Ultimately my hope is in Christ, not in medications or in doctors, and because of the Lord's great love, I am not consumed. For that, I will always be grateful.

Sit 5 Minutes

About 4-6 weeks ago, Charlotte decided she was through with her easy bedtime routine. Before that, we would feed her dinner, give her a bath, get her into her pjs, and then we would read a few stories, sing a few songs, and end with a prayer. We would put her in her crib, kiss her goodnight, and off to dreamland she'd go, usually by 6:30. It was blessedly easy. Then, all of a sudden, she decided bedtime wasn't so great after all, and she started coming up with what can only be described as stalling techniques. She'd ask for milk, water, a towel (yes, a towel), a doll, hair bows--you name it, she probably asked for it. Then she'd whine and cry for many more minutes before finally giving up and going to sleep.

I'm not sure how it began, but one night I sat with her in her rocking chair after she refused to go to sleep, and she asked me to sing. I couldn't refuse such a request, so sing I did: "Jesus Loves Me," "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," "My God Is So Big," etc. I enjoyed the extra snuggle time, and she calmed down and went to sleep when I finished. Then she asked again the next night, and I told her I would but only for 5 minutes. It didn't take long for her to start asking to "sit 5 minutes" with me before bed. It didn't put an end to the litany of requests, but it did shorten it, and she usually goes to bed more willingly. I never intended to start singing and rocking as part of our regular routine, but every night after we've finished our books and said our prayers, Charlotte kisses her daddy good night and then turns to me with that infectious smile of hers and asks, "Sit 5 minutes?"

Those 5 minutes have become one of the favorite parts of my day. Maybe that's why sometimes it's more like 10 minutes. :) I confess that initially I was a little annoyed that something else had been added to our bedtime routine, but I quickly realized how precious this time is--this sacred shared time between mother and daughter. During those 5 minutes, I soak in her presence, memorize the feel of her skin, the adorable curve of her nose, the curl of her chubby little toes. And I clung to her a little tighter last night after hearing the heartbreaking news coming out of Oklahoma. Each day is a gift, and I want to savor it. I know one day she'll be too big to sit in my lap. One day she'll tire of my company. One day instead of wanting to hear me sing, she'll want me to just leave her alone. But today is not that day, and so I sang and prayed to God with gratitude for my sweet girl.

One day, I'll be the one saying to her, "Sit 5 minutes?" I hope she will always say yes in reply.

Weigh-In Thursday: Truth Beyond the Scale

Last week's weight: 173.6

This week's weight: 174.6

GAIN of 1 pound 

I meant to post this yesterday, but after I got home from church and choir practice, I was too tired. (Apparently I am now 60 years old.) I am not surprised by these results, although I confess that before I got on the scale I hoped this would be one of those weeks where I would see a loss even though I had not put forth the effort to earn one. Alas, that was not to be, and I gained a pound. The major contributing factor to this gain? The weekend. We traveled; it was Mother's Day; we ate zoo food, etc, etc. I had a wonderful time, though, and I got back to tracking on Monday.

I have to admit that the gain definitely deflated me a bit. I have only been actively trying to lose weight for 2 weeks, and already I have seen a gain. I found myself tempted to quickly spiral down into complete dejection. But I stopped, and I looked myself in the mirror and said, "This does not change who you are. God does not love you any less." Cheesy though that may seem, it helped. It reminded me that the number on the scale does not determine my worth. It reminded me that I am loved not because of what the scale says but because of what God says. He delights in me.

I'll take the truth of God's Word over a number on a scale any day.

My Third Mother's Day

This weekend was my third time to celebrate Mother's Day, and it was a wonderful weekend. We spent Saturday at the zoo, and we couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. It was Charlotte's first time at the zoo, and though we got off to a rocky start due to some monkeys scaring her while we were eating lunch, she ended up having a great time! She especially loved watching the sea lions and polar bears and also liked the elephants and hippo. She also got excited every time we saw a bird or a squirrel, even though we have no shortage of those in our own backyard. :) We purchased a family membership, so I foresee many more zoo trips in our future!

This one's my favorite

Snack time with Pops. Her mouth is full of food, but at least she's smiling!

This was the best family pic we could get.

Sunday we went to my parents' church, and Charlotte ended up coming to the service with us. She did NOT want to get dropped off in the nursery, and they were a little unorganized at first, trying to figure out which classroom she would be in, so we just took her with us. She was wriggly and not the quietest, but overall she did pretty well. Stephen did end up taking her out in the hallway near the end of the service, but she did pretty great for a toddler. After church we tried to take pictures, but Charlotte has a personal objection to posed pictures and often makes it difficult to get a good picture of her. We managed to get a few, and though they didn't turn out perfect, I know when I look at them years later I'll remember her sassy, spunky personality.

Happy girl. I love love love pigtails.

My mom and me. At least we can take a decent picture. :)

I finished off the day with a 2.22 mile run around our neighborhood. It was around dusk, and the temperature had cooled off, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I ran last Mother's Day as well, and I think it's going to be a new tradition.

I hope all of you who are moms had a wonderful Mother's Day, or those who aren't at least were able to celebrate their moms. To those for whom the day is painful, know that I prayed for you as well.

How was your weekend?

Five Minute Friday: For My Mom

 

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday, when you take just five minutes and write on the week's word. No editing, no backtracking. Just write. This week's word: COMFORT.

GO...

It was my first semester of graduate school, and I was miserable.

Classes were harder than I was expecting, I was still trying to make friends, and the two people I knew when I moved to Knoxville were dating each other. I debated dropping out of grad school on a weekly basis that first semester, and it all came to a head one night in October. I called my mom, barely able to talk because I was crying so hard. I told her all my woes, and she listened with her always-sympathetic ears. After the conversation ended, I went to sleep, not knowing that on the other end of the state she was already making plans.

The next morning, she called to tell me that she was on her way to see me. My sweet mom, who works full time and loves her weekend time, left Memphis at 7:45 am so she could come and see me. She told me it was her only choice--she couldn't NOT be there for me. So she crossed the state in 5 and a half hours and showed up at my front door. Never was there a more welcome sight--the sight of home, of love, of understanding, of compassion, of sympathy, of kindness. When she came, I had all the comfort I needed, all in the form of a hug from my mom.

Though I was 24 years old at the time, I was reminded anew of this truth: you are never too old to need your mom. That day, she gave me just what I needed.

I love you, Mom. I pray that I can be the same kind of mom to Charlotte that you are to me.

STOP

Mom and me on my first Mother's Day, 2011

If you decide to join in, let me know so I can read your post!

Weigh-In Wednesday: Make It Rewarding

Last week's weight: 175.2

This week's weight: 173.6

LOSS of 1.6 pounds

Though it's small, I am thrilled with this loss! I found it really hard not weighing every day, but it was definitely good for me, and it was nice in a way not knowing what to expect when I got on the scale. 

I was talking to Stephen Monday night after my ice cream binge about how I feel that I may as well have 50 pounds to lose, so daunted do I feel at the thought of losing only 20 pounds. I have been bouncing around the same weight range for so long that part of me is afraid I will never reach my goal and stay there. He suggested coming up with a reward system to help motivate me, and though he rejected my idea of a trip to SeaWorld as my ultimate reward, I did like his suggestion. :) He also suggested that I set a specific time limit on my goal, and I decided that I would aim for my 32nd birthday, which is October 22. After deciding that, I realized that I only have to lose 4 pounds a month to reach that goal! Even though I have said many times how helpful it is to break weight loss goals into smaller chunks, I wasn't doing that for myself. I've had this 20 pounds in my head for months and have felt so defeated by it, but 4 pounds? 4 pounds I can handle! So I came up with a list of rewards that I will get for each 4 pounds I lose until I reach my goal of 155. (When I came up with this list I hadn't weighed in for this week, so I am using last week as my starting week.)

My Rewards:

4 pounds lost: $10 Amazon gift card so I can buy new workout songs

8 pounds lost: A new sports bra

12 pounds lost: The Zumba Wii game

16 pounds lost: A one hour massage

20 pounds lost: Goal reached! New purse and new clothes!

I'm really excited about this and think it will help me on days when I feel tempted to throw in the towel.  Only 2.4 pounds until my first reward!

Just Do Something

Yesterday was one of THOSE days. I apparently left my brain at home that morning because I acted like an airhead on more than one occasion, and a bunch of little things at work added up to make one frustrating day. I came home feeling tired and defeated. Then I made dinner, which was poppyseed chicken that I had taken out of the freezer. I was so proud for having a meal stashed away that I could just whip out and put in the oven, but then I ended up cooking it too long, and it tasted dry and unsatisfying. That means that of course after dinner, I wanted something else. So I had a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and that wasn't satisfying either. Instead of distracting myself with something besides food (like, I don't know, PRAYER), I just finished off the container (there was probably about 2 scoops left in there, so 3 scoops in all). Then I sat there feeling weak and pathetic. I had planned to do a quick 2 mile workout using an oldie but goodie fitness DVD, but after eating all that ice cream, I just felt gross. The thought crossed my mind: "I've already blown it today, so why bother?"

WHY do I think this way? I am sure anyone else who has tried to lose weight has experienced similar moments (please tell me I am not alone in this!). If I don't follow my plan to the letter, then the temptation to abandon it altogether is strong. If I don't have time for a solid 45- or 60-minute workout, then I often skip exercising altogether because I can't do as much as I would like. I tell myself it has to be all or nothing, and when I can't do it all, far too often I choose to do nothing.

Of course, this whole mindset is ridiculous! As I've written before, I wouldn't do this in other areas of my life. If I overslept for work, I wouldn't just miss the whole day. If I failed a test, I certainly wouldn't quit going to class (well, except for that one time in college when I dropped Advanced Spanish Literature, but I digress). I realized last night that the problem is perfectionism. I set these lofty, often impossible expectations for myself, and if I don't think I can perfectly meet them, then I stop trying. Even though I know I know I KNOW I will never be perfect, I still insist on having this perfectionist mentality. The reality, however, is that I am just setting myself up for failure because perfection is not attainable. I will lose that contest every time.

So I'm changing the rules. Instead of trying to be perfect, I am just going to do something. Last night I may have overeaten, but that didn't mean I couldn't redeem the evening by also exercising. So even though it was 8:30, I pulled out that DVD, and I did 25 minutes of "power walking." No, it wasn't an hour. No, it probably didn't even come close to burning the amount of calories needed to make up for that ice cream. But it was better than nothing, and I will take something over nothing any day.

The wonderful thing about each day that we are given is that we don't have to end it in failure. By God's grace, we can find redemption, whether that's in the form of a quick run around the block, or an apology to your spouse or friend, or a much-needed phone call with a loved one.

What about you? Do you struggle with perfectionism, and if so, how do you combat it?

May Goals

It's a new month, which means newish goals! I have a lot of room for improvement, and I don't want the progress I did make in April to go away, so I am keeping some of my goals from last month and adding in new ones.

First, the old goals:
1. Go to bed by 10:00 p.m. This is a repeat from last month, and while I feel that I am doing well with this, I know if I took it off my official goal list, I wouldn't be nearly as diligent about going to bed at a decent hour. I am going to give myself one night a week to stay up later than this, however.

2. Blog 3 times a week. I'm really doing this for all of you, dear readers. You know you can't get enough! :)

3. Don't eat after 8:30 p.m. I am changing this from 8:00 p.m. to 8:30 because we have been eating dinner later and later recently because Charlotte has decided not to go to sleep as quickly and easily as she once did, and we don't eat until after she goes to bed. I also have been working out at night, and sometimes I want a little snack afterwards.

4. Exercise 3 times a week. I didn't do a good job of this last month, so I am trying again, with the 10 minute minimum still in place.

5. Read Seeking God's Face every day. I need my time with the Lord so badly. I wish this didn't have to be a goal and that I just did this every day with no problems, but the truth is that I struggle with consistency in this area, so on the list it will stay. 

Now, the new goals:
1. Log all of my food every day. I am back to using SparkPeople, and it has been really helpful for me. I wasn't really tracking my food intake at all, and it's scary how much I was eating without even thinking about it. My primary aim is to just track everything--the good, bad, and ugly--so I get back in the habit. It does me no good if I am not completely honest with my tracking, so even I if I have a terribly high caloric day, I am going to try and track every bite. (If you are on Spark, my username is Erin1022. Be my friend!)

2. Stay within 1800 calories a day. My SparkPeople range is actually 1250-1610, but I haven't eaten in a range that low for a LONG time, so I am trying to be realistic for now and will reevaluate next month.

3. Only weigh myself once a week. I have been weighing myself almost daily, but instead of motivating, it's just depressing me, so I am going to limit weigh-ins to Wednesdays.

4. Read one book. Yes, only one. It is embarrassing how little reading I have been doing. I have 2 books that I have started and would really like to finish this month (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick), but I will be happy if I finish one of these.

5. Write down 3 things I am thankful for every day. I have been feeling really discouraged lately, and I want to remind myself of how blessed I am and am hoping this practice will help.

I think 5 old goals and 5 new goals is enough, don't you? : )

Do you have any goals for the month? Share them with me!

Weigh-In Wednesday: It Ain't Pretty

I'm going to hope that writing ugly truths is less painful if you do it quickly, kind of like ripping off a bandage. Here goes:

Weight on March 6: 169.6

Weight on May 1: 175.2

GAIN of 5.6 pounds

I want to cry just looking at those numbers. And I wanted to cry even more when I happened to glance over at the sidebar where I have kept a log of my weigh-ins for various months since I had Charlotte. If you'll notice, last May 1, I weighed 174.2. One pound LESS than what I weigh right now. That means that over the course of a year I did not lose any weight but instead gained a pound. 

You know what's really sad? On Monday when I got on the scale, it said 177.6. That is so close to 180, and I haven't seen the 180s since last January. I don't want to go back there again. I didn't even want to go back to the 170s, yet here I am, firmly entrenched. It is ridiculous how much my weight has crept up since I got sick. I realize that the drastic weight loss I experienced back in November was due to being sick and I honestly didn't think I would keep all of it off, but I really and truly believed I could at least stay in the 160s, preferably the lower 160s. Now I'm just a few cheeseburgers away from 180 pounds, and I feel sick. I know I have been through a lot recently, and I know that this is not the end of the world, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between being kind to myself and being too lenient. I guess that sums me up in a nutshell: I'm either a drill sergeant or a lazy bum. There is no middle ground with me.

Part of me is really ashamed of all of this. Part of me wishes I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. But I know that I can't let the shame win. Shame doesn't face problems; it buries its head and pretends they're not there. Shame doesn't overcome; shame surrenders in defeat. Shame doesn't lead to victory; it only leads to captivity. I will not bury my head in the sand, and I will not surrender. I will not be held captive. I have to keep fighting. Even if it takes me the rest of my LIFE to figure this whole weight loss thing out, I have to figure it out.

Lord, help me.

April Goals in Review

Earlier this month, I set 5 goals for April. Then I proceeded to try to follow them without actually keeping track of my progress. Just so you know, I wouldn't recommend this particular approach because then you reach the end of the month and realize that you can't accurately report to your hundreds tens of followers how you did. Alas, that is precisely the approach I took. However, despite my lack of true goal tracking, I'll give you a loose update on how I did with my goals.

1. Go to bed by 10 p.m. I know I stayed up past 10:00 every Friday in April, but I did make a concerted effort to go to bed earlier. Still, I'd guess I stayed up past 10 p.m. an average of about 2 times per week. It helped that I am so stinkin' tired all the time, so I had extra motivation to go to bed earlier.

2.  Read Seeking God's Face every day. Honestly, this is the one goal I thought I would do really well at, and I probably did the worst at keeping it! I don't know how many days I missed, but it was at least 10 over the course of the month, which I'm not at all proud of. I am determined to do better at spending time with the Lord consistently. I have no excuse not to, and I need that time to keep me from getting all lost inside my crazy head.

3. Exercise 3 times a week.  I met this goal one week. I didn't exercise at all last week, but I blame strep throat for that. I exercised twice a week the other two weeks.

4. No eating after 8 p.m. I did really well with this goal, except for on Friday nights, once again. Apparently I like to throw discipline out the window on Friday nights.

5. Blog 3 times a week. I did not do this every week, but I definitely blogged at least twice a week, which, sad to say, is good for me. After all, I only blogged 5 times TOTAL in both January and February!

All in all, it wasn't an especially successful month, but I am glad that I set these goals, and it definitely helped me to have them in the back of my mind. Though I didn't do a great job of tracking them, I did remember each of them, and I know I would have been even less disciplined had I not made them. I am planning to make more goals in May, so stay tuned!

How did you do with your goals in April?

Music for Your Monday: "Eye on It" by Tobymac

Let's pretend that I'm still running, shall we? If I were still running and had an upcoming race, this week's Music for Your Monday song would definitely make my playlist. "Eye on It" by TobyMac is the perfect running song: infectious, with a steady, uptempo beat. I like to think it helped me achieve my 5k PR back in October. If you run or do other exercise, what songs help motivate you?

Motherhood: It's Not a Competition

I was listening to a podcast this morning, a conversation between two bloggers I happen to admire and respect, and all of a sudden I was blindsided by this remark: “Going to work is like taking a vacation.” I don’t think I could have felt more shocked had this blogger smacked me across the face, so wounded did I feel at that comment. The blogger was talking about the challenges of being a mom and staying at home with the kids all day, and I believe her comment was directed towards the men who “get” to go to work and have adult conversations and go to the bathroom unattended by their children and eat meals that are still warm. Given all that, she said, working is like a vacation compared to the constant demands of children all day long. To be fair, I don't think this blogger meant anything harmful by the comment, and it was not even a main part of the conversation. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive, and perhaps had I heard this comment on another day, I would have laughed about it. 

I get what she said, I really do. I know that being a stay at home mom is HARD. I have many friends who are SAHMs (in fact the majority of my friends are SAHMs), and I have seen their weary faces after a day of kids who didn’t nap. It’s hard, and I have so much admiration for SAHMs.

Here’s what wounded me about the comment this blogger made: it implied that somehow being a working mom isn’t hard. That I “get” to go to work every day and forget about my kid and have a carefree, blissful existence until 5:00 p.m. rolls around. That I don’t have to deal with cleaning up messes all day long and chasing after a toddler and fighting nap time and trying to cajole a stubborn toddler into eating a vegetable or two. That I have the easy life.

And it’s true: I don’t have to chase around my toddler all day long. Instead, I “get” to drop her off at daycare, where she’ll spend the majority of her day away from me. She’ll live 40+ hours of her week outside of my presence, and that is hard. Even though Charlotte is over 2 years old, some days I can barely breathe for how much I miss her. In exchange for this, I “get” to go to work and deal with stress and deadlines and demanding clients and errands and piles of paper, day after day. I “get” to let someone else have fun with my kid, get hugs from my kid, watch my kid learn and grow and develop.  Then when I get done with my “vacation,” my day in some ways just begins. I pick up my daughter, I take her home and try to find something she won’t immediately reject as dinner, I bathe her, wrestle her into her pajamas with my sweet husband’s help, and convince her that bedtime is not the end of the world. Then there is dinner to make, a house to straighten, a floor that ALWAYS needs to be cleaned, etc. Just like that mom that stays home all day with her kids and tries to come up with yet another craft to make on a rainy day, I too am tired at the end of the day.  I too just want a break. 

Being a working mom is not my first choice, but it is what has to be right now, and I am thankful that I have a job that helps me contribute to our family. But even if working outside the home were my first choice, that doesn’t mean that I would be exempt from struggling as a mother. The truth is, NO mom has the easy life. Whether a mom works outside of the home or works in the home, being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world (and so, for that matter, is being a dad). Can we all just agree on that and stop with the judgments, stop with the assumption that the “other side” (whomever that may include) has it easier? Can we remember, to borrow from High School Musical (which I promise never to do again), that we're all in this together? 

Let’s go out for some ice cream, share a hug, and laugh until we can’t breathe. That is just the kind of vacation I need.

Trying to Stay Positive

Yesterday I had one of the best days I've had in a long time in regards to my ulcerative colitis.

Today I woke up with a fever and a sore throat, and after a trip to the doctor, I found out I have strep throat.

You win some, you lose some, right? :)

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Music for Your Monday: "Ho Hey" by The Lumineers

My first two songs were more serious in nature, so I thought this Monday I would share a song that just makes me happy. I hope you enjoy!



What songs are you loving right now?

A Matter of Perspective

Have you all seen the new Dove ad campaign? If not, here's the video (I highly recommend watching it):



I actually teared up the first time I saw this video. You can see how the faces of the women change as they look at the two portraits side by side. You can see the women realize how their view of themselves is vastly different from that of an outsider. What a powerful example of how distorted our image of ourselves is! I am sure had I been apart of this experiment, I would have described myself in far more negative terms than a stranger would have. I have struggled for years with seeing myself in a negative light, and of course I realize that it has affected how I carry myself and how I interact with others and even how I let others into my world, but this video led me to examine my perspective once again.

As I watched it a second time, I kept thinking about how I want Charlotte to grow up with a healthy body image, how I want her to be carefree and unencumbered by concerns of what others think of her. My daughter is beautiful, and there are few things that light up my soul like seeing her beaming face looking at mine, and I want her to always have that joy. I have no idea how to ensure that those hopes become reality. I can't pinpoint the exact moment in my own history when I decided I wasn't pretty, but I pray that that moment never comes for Charlotte.

I know that I am going to pray regularly that God will help me protect the heart of my sweet girl, and I will pray that He will give me the wisdom needed to guide her as she grows older. And I will pray that she knows the truth that she is beautiful and beloved by the King, regardless of what the mirror may tell her.

Music for Your Monday: "Liberty" by Shane & Shane

This week's installment of Music for Your Monday features another one of my favorite songs. I could listen to "Liberty" by Shane & Shane over and over again. The song takes its inspiration straight from Galatians 5:1, one of my favorite verses, which says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." I need the reminder that I have been set free on a daily basis, and this song is just a gorgeous representation of that biblical truth. There are lot of layers to the song, and Shane & Shane have excellent vocal harmonies. I hope you enjoy it! 

Grasping at Gratitude

Today has not been a good day. It hasn't been a good week, truthfully, which is why I haven't blogged much. I am physically tired, emotionally tired, spiritually tired. I am not feeling the greatest with my ulcerative colitis (and am currently waiting on a callback from my GI doctor about other treatment options), and it's been very tempting for me to throw myself a pity party. In fact, earlier today I started drafting a post in my head about how hard living with ulcerative colitis has been and how I'm an emotional train wreck blah, blah, blah, but I'm not going to write that post now. The truth is, it is hard, but it's not the hardest thing. The way my condition is right now is bearable. I'd love for it to go away. I'd love to be healed, but I can endure how I feel right now. I'm just being a big wimp.

The hardest thing is for me to remain grateful. As I have written before, I am prone to negativity, and if I am not careful, I can easily drown in the cesspool of lies in my head. So the hardest thing for me is to remember that while I have Christ, I have all I need. TRULY, all I need. He is my portion and the strength of my heart forever (Psalm 73:26). He has given me everything I need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3). Though I may feel as though my outer self is wasting away (and let's face it, at 170 pounds, I'm not wasting away), He is renewing me day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16).

So, while at times everything in me wants to cry and moan, I can rejoice instead. I can rejoice that the struggle I am facing is temporary. I can rejoice that one day there will be no more sickness, no more death, no more fear, no more sadness. I can rejoice that I have a Heavenly Father who is intimately acquainted with me and my sorrows and joys, for He made me, fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139). I can rejoice that Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine so that one day all who love Him will suffer no more. I can rejoice that I do not have to bear my burdens alone but that Jesus invites me to take up HIS burden, which is easy and light (Matthew 11:29). I can rejoice that I have a loving and supporting husband who lets me sob into his shoulder. I can rejoice that I have an understanding boss who lets me leave work in the middle of the day because I just can't stay any longer. I can rejoice that I have friends who pray for me and make me laugh and distract me from the things that are weighing me down.

I don't know what God's plans for me and ulcerative colitis are. I don't know if I will find a medication that will work. I don't know if He will heal me. What I do know is that He loves me and is with me, and I need His presence so much more than I need to be healed. The good news is, He never sleeps and is always available, so I can say with the Psalmist, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."

Music for Your Monday: "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant

Music for Your Monday is a new blog series I'm starting that will allow me to share with you some songs that I am enjoying. The first one is my current favorite song, and if you are my friend on Facebook or Instagram, you've already seen me post about it. I don't know a lot of Natalie Grant's music, but I want to now, after hearing this song. I absolutely love the lyrics, especially "Every fear has no place, at the sound of Your great name/The enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your great name." I have been listening to this song on repeat in my car and have just let my heart soak up the truth in the words. I hope you like it and are encouraged by it as well!



Here are the lyrics:

Verse 1:  
Lost are saved, find their way, at the sound of Your great name.
All condemned feel no shame, at the sound of Your great name.
Every fear has no place, at the sound of Your great name.
The enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your great name.
 
Chorus: 
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, 
Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up,
And all the world will praise your great name.
 
Verse 2: 
All the weak find their strength, at the sound of Your great name.
Hungry souls receive grace, at the sound of Your great name. 

The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name. 

Sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.
 

Bridge:  
Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty  
My savior, Defender, You are My King

What songs are you loving right now?