On the Mend

Well, hello there.

I'll be honest: I hadn't planned on coming back to this blog. Sometime after my last post I decided I was weary of blogging and thought I would stop blogging and just focus on enjoying life and getting better, without having to worry about what my next post would be about. The time away has been good. I haven't thought much about the blog (and I am sure you haven't either), but I have started to miss it. I have started to think about posts in my head, have started planning what I might say. So I'm coming back, somewhat tentatively. And of course this isn't the first time I've stepped away only to return later, so I'm sure no one is surprised by any of this.

The good news (and I mean really fantastic, wonderful, awesome news) is that I am finally starting to feel better! I went to see a GI at Vanderbilt back in June (after waiting 2 months for the appointment), and while there I got some dietary recommendations and some treatment recommendations. I have been limiting my dairy intake and also limiting my fiber intake, and while both have required some pretty significant mental and logistical adjustments, the changes seem to be helping. I have not completely eliminated all dairy, but I am not having it with every meal like I used to, nor am I even having dairy every day. I REALLY miss ice cream, but if my body can heal better without ice cream, then so be it. The doctor also recommended that I get another colonoscopy (so we could have a better idea of the current state of my colon) and then make some medication changes. It took several weeks to actually get the colonoscopy scheduled, so it was July 18 before that happened. All the trips I had to take to the bathroom on the day that I had to do the prep had me flashing back to late October/early November when I was at my sickest. It made me realize how far I really have come since then, and I am SO thankful.

After the colonoscopy, my doctor said that my colon looks a lot better than it did previously. Whereas before he would have categorized my disease as moderate-to-severe, now it is only mild. And THEN, when I got the results of the biopsies that he took, I found out that the biopsies showed no evidence of active disease! Remission, here I come! Because of the progress I have made, for now I am sticking with the Humira (and those dreaded weekly shots) and adding in one other medication, Imuran.

The one nagging problem I have is fatigue. I am tired all.the.time. I can sleep for eight hours and yet feel like I could take a nap at any given time (and on the weekends I almost always do). Some days I feel as though it is a monumental chore just to drag my body through the day. I am very deficient in iron, vitamin D, and B-12, so I think all of that plays into the fatigue issue, and I hope that the supplementation I am doing will help.

All in all, my health is definitely improving, and I am beyond grateful. I wouldn't trade the experience I've had because of how much the Lord has taught me in the process, but I am also very excited to be feeling closer to normal (as normal as I can be, haha).

Recent family pic. Of course Char isn't looking at the camera.

If anyone is still reading this pitiful blog, catch me up on your life! How are you?

Well-Placed Hope: An Ulcerative Colitis Update

I have had a few people ask me how my ulcerative colitis is doing, so I thought I would post an update. I started a new medication called Uceris back in April after coming home in the middle of a work day because I felt so bad. I actually missed 4 days of work in April, the most I have missed in any one month this year. That first day I went home sick, I called my GI doctor and told him that I still was not doing much better even after increasing my Humira injections to once a week instead of once every other week, so he prescribed the Uceris. Uceris is a steroid that is released directly into the colon and therefore has fewer side effects than prednisone, which I hated taking. I have been very pleased with the lack of side effects while I've been on Uceris, but I am also not sure it's helping me too much either. I have had a few better days this month, but I've also still had some really difficult days. Along with prescribing the Uceris, my doctor also referred me to the IBD Clinic at Vanderbilt, and the only downside to this is the fact that my appointment is not until June 26!

What I am struggling with right now is not knowing exactly what is normal and not normal with this disease. Maybe how I am now is as good as it gets. The thing is, while my disease is definitely more tolerable than it was when I was first diagnosed, it's still no fun whatsoever. I still have diarrhea on a daily basis (I know, ew, but it is what it is), and sometimes I still can't even sleep through the night because I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I get uncomfortable stomach cramps, and sometimes I have terrible abdominal pain off and on all day. I am tired all the time, and I can't run like I used to. Even just a 2 mile run I did recently had me heading to the bathroom not long afterwards, and that is depressing to me. Running is one of the ways that I relieve stress, but now I am anxious about how my body will respond if I go running, so I haven't run very much.

I have thought in the past, based on what I've read and heard, that if I found the right medication, I would go into remission and not have any symptoms of my UC.  Obviously I'm not there yet. And after having lived with a diagnosis for 6 months while still not being in remission, I am definitely ready to get there. But what if remission in fact isn't a complete removal of symptoms, only a lessening of them?

As I shared with a friend recently, I am weary. Weary of waiting on medicines to work, weary of not feeling like myself, weary of having to always be conscious of where a bathroom is. What I dream of is a week, or even a day, when I can forget that I even have ulcerative colitis. Is that possible? I really, really hope so.

And that's the thing: because of the Lord, I still have hope. I have hope that even though I may never see complete relief in this life, one day I will be with Jesus, and there will be no more disease, no more tears, no more pain. I will bow before my Savior and be with Him forever. Nothing gives me hope like knowing that I will get to leave all of this behind and just soak in His presence.  I am grateful to God for my ulcerative colitis if for no other reason than I long for heaven like I never did before. I also have a deeper appreciation for the empathy that Christ feels for us, and I have seen the body of Christ minister to me in profound ways.

My prayer is that no matter what comes, I would endure it well. Ultimately my hope is in Christ, not in medications or in doctors, and because of the Lord's great love, I am not consumed. For that, I will always be grateful.

Ready, Set, Goals!

Remember when I used to make goals every month and oh, I don't know, actually attempt to accomplish something? Yeah, I hardly remember it either because it's been so long since I did that. However, I have decided that this month will be different. I'm tired of going to bed every night and feeling like a failure because I still haven't _______. The only way to remedy that is to make solid, achievable goals and then work at them. With that said, here are my goals for April:

1. Go to bed by 10 p.m. This is tough for me because I am a night owl by nature, and the late evening hours are one of the few times I can actually have to myself. I have realized, though, that staying up late makes it harder for me to get up in the morning, which means I sleep later than I should and end up feeling frazzled and grumpy and out of sorts because I didn't start my day with God. Which brings me to my next goal...

2. Read Seeking God's Face every day. My friend Kim (who also recommended the Scripture memory trick I mentioned Monday-clearly she is my spiritual guru) told me about this book, and it is revolutionizing my Bible study and prayer time. It is essentially a prayer book that is based on the Church calendar, and each day has selected Scripture passages, suggested prayer points, and prayers excerpted from historic Church documents like the Heidelberg and Westminster Catechisms. I like it because it allows me to focus in on a specific passage of Scripture while also meditating on that passage and praying through it. I can't recommend it enough, so check it out!

3. Exercise 3 times a week. Full disclosure: I am counting as little as 10 minutes as satisfying this goal because I have been so fatigued recently that some days that may be all I can handle. I exercised very sporadically in March, and I do love a good cardio session, so I am hoping I can make this work.

4. No eating after 8 p.m. Let's face it: nothing healthy gets eaten after 8:00 p.m. And by that point I have already eaten more than enough calories for the day, so there's no excuse in letting late-night munchies get the best of me. I developed this nighttime habit when I was still taking Prednisone (a steroid that made me feel ravenous), but now that I am off that medication, my hunger has not been nearly as insatiable.

5. Blog 3 times a week. I really enjoy blogging, but you wouldn't necessarily know that from the scarcity of my posts. It's a nice hobby for me, and I want to be more consistent, so I am going to aim for 3 times.

Those are my goals for the month. I think they are all measurable and achievable. I wasn't going to blog about them but then decided that I would appreciate the accountability, so here they are. I will report back at the end of the month, if not weekly, about my progress.

I would encourage you to sit down and think about some measurable goals you can make for yourself this month. If you already have some, share them with me!

Through It All, I See His Love

I have no idea how to even begin to explain everything that has happened over the last several weeks, so I thought I would construct a timeline. I want to remember all of it (although I'm pretty sure I will even if I don't write about it). Some of it may be TMI, but I've lost all sense of modesty when it comes to bodily functions. :) The timing of this post is brought to you by Prednisone, which keeps me up at all hours of the night.

October 12: I started to experience diarrhea but didn't feel too bad and managed to run a 5k the next day.
October 16: I was still having diarrhea, but this is the last day I truly felt well. I ran 4 miles that night.
October 18: I started to feel worse--nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite.
October 20: While in Memphis celebrating my upcoming 31st birthday, I ran a fever.
October 21: Made my first trip to convenient care and was told I had a UTI. I still don't know why I didn't argue with that diagnosis, but I have never had a UTI before so I trusted the doctor and took the medicines he gave. He said for me to come back in 2 days if I didn't feel better.
October 23: I was not better at all, so I went back to convenient care. At this point, I experienced abdominal pain every time I walked or even just stood up. I was sent for a CT scan, which showed that my colon was inflamed. I was given 2 different antibiotics to treat the infection (Flagyl and Cipro).
October 24-26: I still felt bad but tried to work and retain some sense of normalcy. At this point Stephen was pretty much handling everything at home.
October 28: I went back to convenient care and felt like I was going to pass out when my name was called. The doctor ordered stool cultures.
October 30: The doctor called and told me I had tested positive for C diff. He increased my dosage of Flagyl and discontinued the Cipro.
October 31: I made it through about 30 minutes at our church's trunk or treat with Charlotte and then felt completely horrible the rest of the evening.
November 1: I established care with a primary care physician, who told me I needed to give the medicine a little more time work.
November 2: I ran fever and got sick to my stomach that night and felt miserable all weekend.
November 4: Charlotte fell and cut her ear, requiring a trip to the hospital. She had to be admitted so the plastic surgeon could put 12 stitches in her left ear. The whole experience was awful in itself but was compounded by the fact that I felt like I was dying the whole time we were waiting in the triage room. I even talked to the doctor there about how I was feeling, and he advised that I just go home and rest. Even though it killed me to miss my baby's surgery, I also knew I just didn't have the energy for it.

Snuggling with Daddy in the triage room

Smiling even at 1 a.m. the night she was admitted

November 5: Charlotte came home, doing really well given the circumstances. My mom, however, determined that we were going back to the emergency room and that someone was going to listen to me about not getting better. We got there at 2 p.m. and did not get called back to a room until 9 p.m. It was the longest 7 hours of my life, and I went to the bathroom literally every 30 minutes. My pulse was 118 (as though I had been doing a light cardio workout), and my potassium level was dangerously low. I had a repeat CT scan that night, and my colon was still inflamed.
November 6: My doctor in the hospital, Dr. Lofton (whom I really liked) decided to repeat the C. diff test, and it came back negative. I never had C diff, but I had been treated for it for 2 weeks. On this day I also met my GI doctor, Dr. Szych (it was a God thing that he happened to be the one on call because I had previously had an appointment to meet with him on November 7). I worked on eating with my right hand, since I couldn't bend my left arm due to the IV being there (they had started it in my right arm initially, but it stopped working while I was still in the ER).

My dinner one night. Yum.

November 7: I had a colonoscopy (never thought I'd have THAT before age 50!). Dr. Szych felt pretty certain that I had ulcerative colitis, but he wanted to wait until the biopsies came back before he confirmed this. I was started on IV steroids.
November 8: The biopsy results confirmed a diagnosis of ulcerative colitis, and Dr. Szych told me that I have a pretty moderate to severe case. After being on a liquid diet since being admitted, I was thrilled when I was allowed to have soft foods at lunch this day, but my stomach didn't tolerate it, so I went back to full liquids at dinner. In other news, I don't recommend pureed egg.
November 10: This was a good day. I got the IV in my left arm removed , so I was able to use my left hand more freely, and I got to take a shower using both hands. My sweet nurse that day also brought me a large sweet tea from Chic-fil-A, which was amazing because the hospital tea was basically brown-colored water. They placed the new IV in my right hand, so my mobility was much improved. I was on the same floor as the newborn nursery, so I took short walks in the hopes of catching lots of baby cuteness, but I think I saw about 3 babies the whole time I was there! Selfish mommies must have kept them in their rooms with them all the time. :)
November 11: I was feeling some better and hoped I would get to go home, but the doctors decided I needed one more day.

Snuggles with my baby.

November 12: I was finally discharged! I got home around 5 p.m. and got to miss the hospital's meatloaf. I am taking Prednisone and another medicine called Asacol, which I have to take 3 pills 3 times a day.

Lots of pills

It has been quite the roller coaster since I have been home. I didn't feel significantly better the first few days, and on Friday I actually went back to convenient care because I felt so dizzy and weak and had lost 14 pounds just since being home, but all my lab work came back normal. Sunday, however, I think I finally turned a corner. I went to church that morning for the first time in 5 weeks, and on Monday I even worked a half day of work (though it completely exhausted me). Charlotte is also doing better, although she has understandably been super clingy. After not seeing her for the better part of week, I will take all the snuggles I can get!

Happy girl

Some might look at all of this and think I have very little to be thankful for, but I couldn't disagree more. This whole experience has given me an entirely new understanding of the Lord's goodness and mercy in my life. He has more than made Himself known to me in my time of deepest need, and I know now more than ever that He is true to His promises. I have said more than once that if it took all of this for me to see God reveal Himself and refine me in this way, then it was all worth it, and I would do it all again. The love of Jesus has seen me through this, and the love of Jesus can see you through whatever you too may be facing. I can't tell you enough how much you need Him. I can have the healthiest body in the world, but if I don't have Him, I am lost. If you have questions about what it means to have a relationship with Jesus, please comment or email me. I would love to tell you all about Him.

Four Years

January 21, 2008. That was the day I decided to change my life. I was fat and not happy about it, and I was tired of just accepting it. I had told myself in the past that I was just meant to be fat since I'd spent most of my life that way, but I knew that wasn't true. The only way I would be destined to be fat forever is if I chose it. On January 21, 2008, I chose NOT to be fat forever. I made a list of reasons why I needed to change, and I made a plan of attack. Slowly but surely, changes started happening. I woke up early and went to the gym. I joined SparkPeople and began tracking my calories. It was tough, it was frustrating, it was challenging, but I kept doing it. I'm STILL doing it.  Four years later, here's where I am and where I hope to be (all of the links are to past blog posts):

1.  I went from only being able to do about 10 minutes on the elliptical to being able to run a 5k. I've run in 3 5k races and one 4 miler. I even trained for (but didn't complete) a half marathon, working my way up to 11 miles.  I hope to achieve the goal of running a half marathon this year.

2.  I went from 261 pounds to 180 pounds. I briefly dipped down to 167 right before I got pregnant with Charlotte, and I will get back there again. I hope to eventually weigh between 155 and 160 pounds.

3.  I went from a size 24 to a size 16. I was a 14 before I got pregnant with Charlotte. I hope to end up a size 12.

 (Pictures taken Thursday night in my size 24 jeans. My face is beet red because I had just finished a workout my 261 pound self would have never attempted: a 2 mile run followed by Level 1 of 30 Day Shred.)

4.  I went from a 49-inch waist (!) to a 36.5-inch waist.

5.  I went from an XXL t-shirt to a large. I bet I will be able to wear a medium soon.

6.  I have made drinking at least 64 ounces of water a daily habit.

7.  I have made exercising a weekly habit. Some weeks are better than others, but aside from right after I had Charlotte, there have been very few weeks when I haven't exercised at all.

8.  I have learned (and some days am still learning) to feel more comfortable in my own skin and appreciate even my least favorite features, like my flabby arms.

9.  I have tried different types of exercise that I never would have tried before, including yoga, Pilates, kickboxing, and Zumba.

10.  I actually had enough guts to post my weight on the  Internet.

11.  I have learned that even skinny people have problems. Being skinny does not guarantee a problem-free existence.

12.  I have learned that being healthy is about more than being skinny.

13.  I have learned that the things worth working for are often the hardest.

14.  I learned how to lift weights and even got used to being the only female in the weights section of the gym.

15.  Most important of all, I have learned that all of this is worthless if I do not honor the Lord. I have made food an idol in my life, and at times I have even made weight loss an idol, and if I let those things become an obsession and do not chase after Jesus, then it's all in vain. He must be everything.

Of course I wish I could write this post from the perspective of someone who's been at goal weight for a year or two, but that's someone else's story, not mine. My story isn't going to end up in a magazine. I'm not going to be on TV because of my amazing weight loss accomplishments. But that doesn't change the fact that I have lost 81 pounds.  That doesn't change the fact that I am a far different person today than I was four years ago. And that's worth more than a spot on a TV show or magazine.

Don't Get Sad, Get Fit!

Confession: I only worked out TWICE in November. 65 minutes total. Pitiful, right? I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I think I can blame laziness and exhaustion for the bulk of it. It's been hard to find a good routine that allows me optimal time with Charlotte and Stephen and also time to workout, read my Bible, and oh yeah, work full time. I haven't figured it out yet, but the most logical of solutions is the one I'm least fond of: waking up early. When I wake up at 5:30 or 5:40, like I did this morning, I can get things accomplished. Charlotte and Stephen are both still sleeping then, so I'm not missing out on time with either of them, and I enjoy the time to myself. Unfortunately, more often than not I end up setting my alarm for 5:30, hitting it when it goes off, and then going back to sleep for another hour.

This was not always the case. Early on in my first attempt to lose weight, back in 2008 and 2009, I routinely woke up at 5:30 or 6:00 to exercise. It was just a matter of routine. I rarely skipped, rarely overslept my alarm. So what's different now? The obvious difference is that I now have a 9-month-old who still enjoys the occasional crack-of-dawn wake-up call. However, while the early days of Charlotte's life resulted in some serious sleep deprivation, the truth is I'm FAR more rested than I was when she was a newborn, so the baby excuse really doesn't fly.

Perhaps if I were gaining weight from the lack of exercise, I'd be more motivated, but I managed to lose 4 pounds in November. 4 pounds isn't stellar, but it's pretty typical weight loss for me, and I'm happy about it. Of course, who knows what I would have lost if I had exercised!

Ultimately I think it comes down to the fact that I don't want weight loss badly enough to get up early. I'd rather sleep in than exercise. I'd rather succumb to laziness than chase after fitness. I may have run 4 miles back in October, but I'm fairly certain there's no way I could do that right now, and that makes me sad. But more than making me sad, it's making me motivated. Motivated to make a concerted effort to take care of myself and my body so I can be a good example for Charlotte and a good steward of this body that God has given me.

Do you have any good tips for waking up earlier?

The Story of the Hole

If you remember my post from last week, Charlotte caught a stomach bug. Tuesday night was the worst in terms of amount of times she vomited, but she also threw up on Wednesday a few times and was rather pitiful. She did not sleep well on Wednesday night, and neither did I. I felt as though I couldn't get warm and never really felt comfortable. I also had an upset stomach of my own, although I never threw up.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling pretty queasy, and I thought, "Oh no, please oh please don't let me get sick!" But sure enough, I felt worse and worse as the day progressed. Charlotte seemed to be doing better, however, although she only wanted to sleep snuggled up to me, which I happily allowed her to do since she doesn't sit still much these days. Stephen came home around 1:45 to take his lunch break, and it wasn't a moment too soon. I felt as though all the energy had been slowly draining from my body all day long, so the minute he got home, I went to bed and slept until he had to go back to work at 4:15 (he obviously took an extended lunch break, haha). Charlotte had done well the whole day, so we were hopeful she'd be able to go to daycare. I continued to feel poorly and ended up going to sleep at 8:30.

Around 11:00 or 11:15 I awoke to the sounds of Charlotte crying screaming. Stephen got up to check on her, and after realizing that her screams had not quieted down after a few minutes, I pulled myself out of bed to see if I needed to help Stephen. He met me at the bedroom door and then promptly sat down on the floor, telling me he felt like he was going to pass out and that Charlotte had thrown up in her crib. I rushed to her and saw her covered in throw up and screaming in misery. I quickly picked her up and went to the guest bathroom, where I started the bath and then set her on the counter so I could wipe off her face while the tub filled.

The last thing I remember is reaching to get a washcloth.

Next thing I know, Stephen was gently shaking me and calling my name over and over. I looked around and found myself on the floor of the bathroom. I was completely confused, having no idea what had happened. Then I looked behind me and saw the hole in our bathroom wall.

 

Immediately I said, "What happened? Did I do that?" I was in complete disbelief, but Stephen told me he'd been lying on the floor by our bedroom when he heard a loud thump. He came into the bathroom to find me unresponsive and slumped against the wall. Later he said initially he didn't even realize that I had passed out but just though that I was resting for a minute, until I didn't respond to him calling my name. Then as he was talking to me, he started looking really pale and said he felt faint. We're both a little fuzzy on the details, but I think I told him to sit down. Meanwhile, at some point I realized that Charlotte remarkably ended up in the bathroom sink, when she could have easily crawled right off the edge of the bathroom counter! She had gotten over her initial displeasure and waved at me as I went to pick her up out of the sink and set her on the floor.

Then I realized that Stephen was being very still.

When I tried calling his name, I got no answer. I was freaking out at this point because his eyes were open but he was not responding, Charlotte was still covered in puke, and I still felt very lightheaded and had a throbbing headache. I had no idea what to do since it was approaching midnight at this point. Stephen eventually roused, but we were both practically incapacitated and just sat on the bathroom floor with Charlotte in between us, not knowing what we were going to do. I decided to call my parents, who live in Memphis (just an hour away from us). I'm sure I sounded barely comprehensible to them, but they told me to calm down and that they would be on their way as soon as they could but that I needed to call someone in Jackson in the meantime to come over and help. I called my wonderful friend and former college roommate, Marya, and she didn't hesitate to come over.

I'm so thankful that Marya was able to come and help because I have no idea what Stephen and I would have done. Charlotte still needed a bath, and her crib sheet needed to be changed, but neither of us had the energy for anything. I sent Stephen to bed, where he ended up emptying the contents of his stomach, and after Marya and I determined that I was not bleeding anywhere, I sat in the recliner while she took the sheets off the crib, started a load of laundry, got Charlotte bathed and changed into fresh pjs, and held her. She stayed with me until my parents arrived at 1:30. They watched Charlotte and eventually soothed her back to sleep. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 or 4:00.

Thus concluded the worst night I remember experiencing. There is nothing so terrible as having a sick child and then being incapable of caring for her. I am beyond grateful to God for protecting Charlotte when I passed out, and I am forever indebted to Marya for coming over at such a late hour. And my sweet, fabulous parents ended up staying until Saturday so they could help us with Charlotte. They put themselves at risk of getting sick because they love us. Just when I thought my parents couldn't be more awesome, they surprised me again. I am so blessed.

But I still have a hole in my bathroom wall.

Bullet Posts Are Lame

But I'm giving you one anyway! :)

• Yesterday I weighed in and was 184.4, which means that I am officially out of the "obese" BMI category! I'm now just "overweight." (Yay?)
• With yesterday's weigh-in, my weight loss since June 1 totals 12 pounds. Yes, it has taken me 5 months to lose 12 pounds. And I'm okay with that. Who knows how heavy I'd be right now had I not been trying to lose weight?
• I have done really well with my no sweets challenge. I did have a milkshake last Monday, but I was sick with a nasty cough, and it was the only thing that felt good on my throat, so no guilt for me over that! 
• Tomorrow Charlotte is having surgery to get tubes put in her ears. Charlotte had 3 ear infections in 4 months, and our pediatrician referred us to an ENT who recommended that she get tubes, and we agreed. I am surprisingly not all that nervous about the surgery but am just ready to get it over with. I don't look forward to having Charlotte be under anesthesia, but if this minor procedure can keep her ears clear, it is worth it.
• I am camping out in one of my favorite Bible passages this week: Philippians 4:6-9, and it was just the reminder I needed this morning to be anxious for nothing but to trust Him for everything. 

Have a great week, everyone! I will post an update after Charlotte's surgery. Prayers are appreciated.

My Scale Hiatus: The Plan to Track My Progress

Thanks to all of you who offered your support for my decision to hide the scale for a while.  Even after just a few days I can tell you that I really like not having that burden hanging over my head.  The first two days I had a very intense desire to weigh myself, and I'm so glad I had Stephen hide it so I wouldn't be able to give in to that desire even if I wanted to!  However, I haven't felt such a pull to the scale the last few days, and it feels great!

For me, the biggest challenge of this no scale experiment is knowing how to measure my progress. From day 1, the scale has been my primary measurement of success, so I am having to revisit what I consider success and progress and find other ways to measure that.  So here's what I've come up with:

1.  I'm going to take measurements of key body parts and track the inches lost.  I took measurements before in my weight loss journey, but I haven't done them consistently since Charlotte arrived, so I need to get a picture of where I am to see where I need to go. Tonight I'm going to measure my arms, thighs, calves, waist, chest, hips, and neck. I'll post updates once a month about what progress (or lack thereof) that I'm making.

2.  I'm going to set daily goals for myself to meet and track them with a "Healthy Habits Checklist" that I've created. I think if I can focus on making good choices day by day, then there is no reason for the weight not to come off! On days when I meet all of my goals, I will give myself a sticker on the calendar. Here is my Healthy Habits Checklist:

1. Exercise 5 times a week. The tentative plan is for me to run 3 times a week and do 30 Day Shred the other 2 days, but as long as I move my body 5 times a week, I can check this off.
2. Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day.  I don't anticipate this being very difficult except on the weekends.
3. Eat a minimum of one fruit with breakfast, a fruit and/or veggie with lunch, and a veggie with dinner. I'm terrible about eating veggies, so this is a baby step for me to take to encourage more veggie consumption.
4. Consume at least 25 grams of fiber a day. I'm all about the fiber, so I don't think this will be too difficult.
5. Eat no more than 1600 calories a day. I'm not giving myself a minimum target because let's face it, eating the minimum calorie allowance has never been my problem. :)

The healthy habits on my checklist are very basic, and there should be NO REASON why I can't succeed at meeting those goals each day. 

Measurements and my checklist are the two main ways I plan to track my progress.  I also will be able to gauge my progress by the way my clothes fit, but I don't expect to see changes in that area for a while. I think the checklist will help me to focus on living healthy and not use this hiatus from the scale as an excuse to slack off.  I do well within defined parameters, so I'm hopeful that these guidelines will lead to a healthier life free from dominion of the scale!

If you were creating a healthy habits checklist, what would be on it?

Feelin' Hot Hot Hot

Well friends, I am clearly a genius because I thought it would be a great idea to start running during the hottest time of the year.  It is already in the upper 90s here in West Tennessee, and even though I much prefer running outside to running on the treadmill, I also prefer not having a heat stroke.  I am however going to try running at night as soon as I can find some reflective tape to put on my clothes, so as to avoid collisions with motor vehicles.

Yesterday was Week 5, Day 1 of C25k, and I kept putting it off because I was nervous about the three 5 minute runs the plan calls for.  Plus, I knew that on Day 3 I have to run for a full 20 minutes, which seems crazy to me even the second time around.  Still, as it got later and later last night, I knew it was time to stop goofing off and get to it.  I started off reluctantly, but I soon found myself absorbed in the workout.  All in all, it wasn't bad at all!  I think I would have enjoyed it more outside, but I did have The Bachelorette on, which allowed me ample time to be completely appalled by the behavior of Bentley. (I mean seriously, how did the producers even find such a lowlife?).  Before I knew it, the official workout was over, but I still felt like going, so I walked for another 15 minutes and ended up with a great 45 minute workout.  I love it when I go farther than I plan to when I am working out.  I try to trick myself into this every now and then by saying that I will just go 5 more minutes, and then usually I want to go a little bit more than that to reach a certain distance, and I end up burning more calories and feeling even better about myself. 

When I am tempted to eat junk or skip a workout now, I am trying to tell myself two things: 1) I am made for more, and 2) It feels much better to be healthy than to be fat.

I think I can, I think I can...

Motivation: MIA

I have to be honest.  I am really struggling with feeling motivated about weight loss. What is sad about this is that I should be very motivated for a number of reasons.  Let's list them, shall we?

1.  I have not lost any weight for the past 3 weeks.  In fact, on some days my weight has actually been up a pound or two.
2.  I have very few clothes that fit me properly.  Very few of my pre-pregnancy tops and pants fit me, and my maternity clothes are really too big, but that hasn't stopped me from wearing my maternity jeans just about every day, even though I have to pull them up approximately 82 times. 
3.  I went shopping over the weekend to find something for Easter and couldn't find anything.  Then I got depressed when I tried on several items from the misses section and only one shirt fit.  I couldn't even wear XL in most of the tops.
4.  I ended up buying a top in a section I thought I was through visiting--the plus size section.  (Although I will say that most things I tried on were too big for me.) 

Shouldn't that be enough to motivate me?  #4 especially was upsetting to me yesterday, and yet here I find myself today wondering why I can't get my act together.  I admit that I have struggled to find any sort of routine at home, which makes it hard to figure out when I can exercise or even when I can find time to eat lunch, much less eat a healthy lunch.  And the meals I plan for dinner have leaned more toward convenience than health as well, so I'm certainly not helping myself in that department.  

Ultimately, however, it doesn't matter that I'm not motivated.  In the past when I've been unmotivated to work out or make healthy choices, I've just told myself to fake it until I make it, to not care how I feel but to just do it.  And it worked.  Pushing past times when I've lacked motivation is what helped me lose 90 pounds before, so clearly I can do it. 

So why is it so hard right now?

I don't have an answer for myself, no inspiring words to offer.  But I do know this: I CAN lose weight.  I want and need to lose weight.  The only way I will fail is if I don't even try. 

November Goals: Week 1 Report

Last week I promised to post on the progress of my goals for the month, so here is week one's report:

1.  Track my food every day and try to stay between 1800-2000 calories.  I tracked 5 out of 7 days and stayed in range only 3 of those days.  Honestly, I am more concerned with the act of tracking and being aware of what I am eating more than I am concerned with the calorie range at this point.

2.  No more Coke!  Check.  I did have a Diet Coke one day, but that is it.  (We won't talk about how I've already blown this goal for this week...)

3.  Exercise for a minimum of 120 minutes a week.  Check!  I logged exactly 120 minutes. 

4.  No eating after 8 p.m.  I did this for 5 out of 7 days.  I have decided that if I am hungry after 8, I’m going to allow myself to eat, but it needs to be something light and not junk food. :) 

All in all, I did a decent job, but there is certainly room for improvement.  We'll see how this week goes! 

November Goals

I'm here to 'fess up to you, my readers.  My weight gain was nuts in October.  I have my next checkup at the OB tomorrow, and I wouldn't be surprised if I the scale shows an 8 pound gain from my last visit a mere FOUR WEEKS ago!  I was relieved on Monday to see that I didn't gain any weight this past week, but still, tomorrow could be an entirely different story.  As of Monday, the scale said 188, which makes for a total weight gain of 18 pounds.  I think I gained about 5 of those pounds in the span of 3 weeks, which is crazy.  I have been extremely hungry a lot of the time, but I have used that as an excuse to fill up on empty calories like sweets and even Coke.  I hardly ever had regular Coke when I was trying to lose weight, so I don't know why all of a sudden I told myself it was okay to have them, but there was a stretch of about two weeks where I was craving (and drinking) them almost every day!  (And before someone leaves me a comment about the caffeine being bad for me, one can of coke has about 30-something mg of caffeine, which is far below the 200-300 mg most practitioners believe is safe for pregnancy.)  Last week I realized that I was going to head into dangerous waters if I didn't stop myself, so I'm trying to regain control of my eating habits and focus more on living healthy so my baby has a healthy environment in which to grow and develop.   I'm not going to get all crazy and try to lose weight or anything like that; I just need to stop being a mindless zombie when it comes to eating!

With that in mind, I decided to set some goals for November.  I used to set goals every month, but I haven't done that in a while, and I think the focus would really help me.  Here are my goals for November:

1.  Track my food every day and try to stay between 1800-2000 calories.  Right now, the tracking is really important for me because I snack a lot, and if I am not aware of how much I am eating, I can easily go overboard.

2.  No more Coke!

3.  Exercise for a minimum of 120 minutes a week.  I can split this up however I choose, and if I do more than that, great!  I've done a fairly decent job of exercising at least 3 days a week most weeks, so I hope to continue that and maybe even exceed 120 minutes every week.  I've already logged 80 minutes for this week, so I'm feeling good!

4.  No eating after 8 p.m.  There's no need to eat after this time, since I go to bed between 9:30-10:30, and usually when I feel the urge to eat after 8, I want to eat junk, so I'm going to enforce this curfew, which has helped me before.

Hopefully these goals will allow me to be disciplined without being obsessive.  I'll report each week on how I did for the previous week.

Do you have any goals for this month? 

Pregnancy: A Weighty Issue

One thing that I did not anticipate about pregnancy is the wild, crazy dreams I would have. I have had a lot of very vivid dreams. From what I've read/heard from others, those dreams can sometimes be nightmares. So far, none of them have been too bad, save for one.

In that dream, I hopped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in, and to my dismay I had gained FOURTEEN POUNDS! I was horrified and immediately started crying, trying to figure out how I had lost control so quickly. It was awful, and the dream stayed with me after I woke up. I even went and weighed myself just to make sure I hadn't in fact gained that much weight (I hadn't).

This dream, while perhaps not a nightmare to some, was rather nightmarish to me, and it preys upon one of my biggest fears about pregnancy: gaining weight. I know gaining weight is a natural, necessary, and expected part of pregnancy, but I am still very nervous. I worked really hard the past 2 1/2 years and lost over 90 pounds, and it's going to be hard to see the scale going up. Granted, the reason for the higher number on the scale makes it more than worth it, but I am afraid of gaining more than I need to.

The week I found out I was pregnant, I weighed 170.2 pounds, so I am considering that my starting weight. I actually lost a bit the week after that and was at 168.8, but that did not last long. I've been fluctuating between 169 and 170.something ever since. I suppose that's not too bad, and I haven't gained an insane amount of weight, but I'm only a little under 9 weeks into my pregnancy! I have a long way to go, and I just hope that I can keep the weight gain at a healthy, manageable rate.

So what's my goal? To gain 25-30 pounds. That's a very healthy weight gain, and I could even stand to gain less than that because I am still overweight, but I think 25-30 is realistic for me. I know it's possible; I just hope it's possible for ME. I am hungry ALL.THE.TIME. right now, so it's been a struggle not to use that added hunger as an excuse to indulge. I have to remember that the food I'm eating is fueling my growing baby, and that is more important than satisfying my desire for ice cream 3 times a day.

I also need to remember that I only need an additional 300 calories every day, and that's not a lot when it comes down to it. Where I'm having trouble is figuring out what my caloric intake should be. When I was still actively trying to lose weight, I would eat between 1500-1700 calories a day. So does that mean that now I should eat 1800-2000? Or should I eat more than that because I'm not trying to lose weight and therefore am simply trying to maintain my weight? (I don't even know if that makes sense now that I've written it out!) Basically, I really don't know, and I guess ultimately the number doesn't matter as much as my attitude toward food and the choices I make about what I eat. I don't want to be so obsessed with this that I miss out on the joy of pregnancy, so I'm going to have to find some balance.

I'd love any advice/suggestions any of you have to share!

P.S. I've decided to keep my blog here for now, if for no other reason than the fact that all the cute URLs I thought of are already taken. :)

A Clean Slate

Has anyone else ever gone on autopilot while eating? I did tonight. I was still hungry at 8 p.m., which is my self-imposed curfew. I had already eaten blueberries and we had no other fruit in the house (sad, I know), but I really wanted to eat something, so I had a handful of tortilla chips. Then another handful. And then two cups of chocolate chip ice cream.

All while watching The Biggest Loser. Yes, I am THAT person. Jillian would eat me for breakfast.

The whole time I was eating, I knew I needed to stop, but I didn't. It was almost as if I just turned off my brain and let my mouth take over. Now I feel sick and gross.

Why did I do it? Should I not be past these kinds of binges? Should I not be able to resist these urges to snack? Yes, but as I've realized, that doesn't always mean I will make the right decisions. Gluttony is a sin I will probably battle to some extent for the rest of my life, and I need to always have my guard up and remember to take captive those wayward thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. The challenge is to move past it, not dwell on it and pout and use it as an excuse to make MORE bad decisions. Every day I have to choose to live a healthy life, to love God and not my stomach, and every day I have to accept that I am responsible for the choices I make, whether good or bad. Today was not so great, but as Anne Shirley says, "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it." I am going to make the most of it.

Praise God, whose mercies are new every morning.

Water Does a Body Good

One of my goals for September was to drink only water for the entire month. I initially thought this would not be that difficult because I happen to really enjoy drinking water, especially from water bottles, and I don't drink a ton of other beverages anyway. However, I must confess to you that I already messed up with this goal, although it was purely accidental. Or unconscious. Or just stupid. You decide...

On Labor Day the hubs and I made a trip to Target just to look around and see if we could find a new dog toy for our dog Bailey, and then when we were leaving we decided to get an Icee. I haven't had an Icee in a long time, and it sounded so good. I got a Coke-flavored Icee, and I was halfway through with it when I turned to Stephen and said, "Oh my goodness, this isn't water!" He looked at me blankly, no doubt wondering why I was stating the obvious, until I reminded him of my goal not to drink anything but water. Then we talked about whether or not a frozen drink really counted, and even though I would love to think it doesn't, the fact that it had Coke in it worked against me.

So, I had a Coke in frozen form, readers. BUT that is the only drink I have had besides water, so I think I am still doing pretty well. I am averaging about 100 ounces a day of water, and after a workout there is nothing so refreshing as cold water. Drinking water has many benefits (see this SparkPeople article for details), and I love seeing how much water I can consume in one day. I still want a Coke Zero or Diet Pepsi every now and then, but I haven't had any withdrawal headaches, so at least I know I wasn't drinking it so often that I was addicted. I know the artificial sweeteners in diet drinks are not good for the body, so I am hoping that after this month I can really limit my intake of them, as I've also read that often diet drinks have been found to cause people to eat more, especially foods with sugar in them. As we all know, I have enough problems with eating too much, so I don't need diet soda adding to my troubles!

Do you have trouble drinking enough water? Here's another SparkPeople article with tips on getting enough water.

Rethinking the Finish Line

(I know this is long, but this is the edited version. Bear with me.)

Ever since that fateful day in January of 2008 when I decided to lose weight, my goal has been to lose 100 pounds. A weight loss of 100 pounds would put me at 161, about the weight that I was at my lowest during my senior year of high school. I liked the idea of losing 100 pounds, I liked the idea of going back to that weight that I had only experienced for a short amount of time before college life and the freshman fifteen (or twenty) caught up to me. I also figured that if I were 161, then I could be in a size 12, a size I have always aspired to. I never considered losing less than 100 pounds. After all, according to BMI charts, even that goal weight was technically still "overweight" for my height, so how could I stop if I weighed more than that?

Fast forward 18 months, and I have lost 72 pounds. I have to admit that the slow rate of weight loss I have experienced, especially since 2009 began, has frustrated me. I tend to lose 1.2-1.6 pounds in a good week. And whereas in the first year I averaged about a 5 pound weight loss each month, now I'm fortunate to lose 3 pounds in a month.

All of this serves to preface the thoughts I've been having lately. I'm not so sure anymore that losing 100 pounds is going to happen. Nor am I sure that I want it to happen. And the reason for that is a change in perspective. I have to confess that while healthy concerns were a motivating factor for my wanting to shed the excess pounds, more than that I just wanted to be able to buy clothes in a smaller size and feel better about my body. I was sick of shopping in postage-stamp-sized plus size sections, sick of being embarrassed to go shopping with friends who were smaller than I, sick of not being able to shop clearance racks. And weight loss was the way to fix that problem. So I set out on my journey.

Well, I'm no longer plus-sized. I haven't shopped at Lane Bryant in months, and I've moved out of the plus size sections in other stores. I still don't have much luck at clearance racks, but I'm okay with that because I have so many more options now. But I've come to realize that what's even more important than the clothes is my health. If I want to live a long and healthy life with my husband, I had to lose the weight to prevent myself from developing diabetes (which runs in my family) or high blood pressure or heart disease and the myriad other problems that are connected to being obese or overweight. I know I'm not even guaranteed tomorrow, but I also know that I want to do all I can to ensure that I am a good steward with the body I have been given, and a life of soda and junk food, apathy and laziness, wasn't cutting it. My goals now are more about cultivating healthy habits, like exercising and eating right, and less about clothes.

So if my goal is to be healthy, haven't I achieved that? My blood pressure is excellent, as is my blood sugar. The only lingering problem I'm working on is my cholesterol, which is borderline high. I exercise 5-6 days a week, and most of those days I love it. I work on limiting my food portions and choosing healthy foods. I drink 64-80 ounces of water a day. I educate myself about health and wellness. Is this not healthy?

Ultimately, it seems that the reason I want to get to that goal weight is more about vanity than health. Since starting, I've had my sights set on being a size 12, but what is so magical about that number? For a lot of people that number is still too high! For me it represents something I never quite attained (even at 160 in high school I was mostly a size 14), but maybe I wasn't meant to attain it. What if I did get to 161 and wasn't a size 12? Would I be a failure? Of course not! So what if I don't get to 161 at all? What if I get to 175? Am I a failure? I suppose that depends on how you look at things. If I were to measure success solely by achieving my original goal, then yes, I would be a failure. But if I measure success based on all the good changes that have taken place over the last 18 months, I've already won!

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I really and truly would be happy where I am or maybe 10 pounds lighter, or if I am only thinking this way because I am tired of thinking about losing weight and would like to be maintaining. How much of my desire to make it to 100 pounds lost is about pride? What if I don't get there? What will people think? What will you, my readers, think? What will I think? Will I find the same pride in saying I have lost 75 pounds or 82 pounds or whatever? I honestly don't know. That certainly doesn't sound as good as 100. And yet as a Christian I can't escape the nagging thought that I shouldn't even care what others think as long as I'm pleasing God, and so my ultimate goal should be to do all things for His glory.

I don't want this to sound like I'm giving up or that I'm going to go crazy and eat whatever I want and stop exercising. I want to keep up the habits I've established, but I'm not sure about that 100 pounds anymore.

If you've made it this far, bless you. And if you have any words of wisdom for me, I'd be more than happy to read them.

The 5 Minute Trick

Last night I worked out for the first time since last Monday. Why? The week went something like this:

Monday: worked out for an hour despite sniffles and scratchy throat
Tuesday: sore throat and stuffy nose and poor sleep
Wednesday: mild fever plus sore throat and stuffy/runny nose and poor sleep
Thursday: sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, cough, and poor sleep
Friday: sore throat, stuffy nose, cough, and ear infection
Saturday: all of the above, only less severe
Sunday: recovering, but lacking energy

Fun times, huh? I haven't had a cold like that in a long time, much less an ear infection. The ear infection is still lingering, but I'm taking an antibiotic for it and hope it will clear up soon.

I can't believe I just spent this much space on my health. Moving on!

I felt pretty good on Monday, so I decided to ease back into things with a 30 minute walk after dinner. The weather was pleasant, the sun was still out, and walking outside felt so good that I ended up exercising for 45 minutes instead of 30, and I felt refreshed and energized (which ended up being slightly unfortunate since I was nowhere near ready to go to bed at a decent hour).

I find that I am often able to talk myself into more exercise if I start out with the expectation of a reasonable but not overwhelming amount of time (like 30 minutes). I know I am committing to exercise for at least that minimum amount of time, but I also leave open the possibility that I could do more. Last night, for example, after the first lap around the apartment complex with my dog, who loves to run and thus motivated me to run a bit, I decided I could manage 35 minutes. Then the 35 minute mark rolled around, and I decided that 40 minutes would be good. Then 40 minutes passed, and I thought, "What's 5 more minutes?" Honestly, anything can be endured for 5 more minutes, and that thought is what got me through a lot of the rough sessions during my Couch to 5k training. When I am dreading a workout, especially if it involves running, I can often use the 5 minute trick to survive, and I end up pushing myself and being more pleased with the results than I would have been had I not gone those extra 5, 10, or 15 minutes. Obviously, I don't always have the time for an endless amount of 5 minute tricks during a workout (like this morning when I only had time for 35 minutes), but I can always spare at least 5 more minutes.

What tricks do you use to motivate yourself during a workout?

Friday Five: Healthy Snacks

Obviously, if you're trying to lose weight consuming mass quantities of Oreos and Doritos is not the solution. It's really important to find healthy snacks because they can affect your energy levels and your caloric intake. Here are 5 of my favorites:

1. Almonds. Nuts like almonds are a great source of heart-healthy fats, plus they have a good dose of fiber, protein, and Vitamin E. Limit yourself, though; a small amount of almonds goes a long way.


2. Clementines. What's not to love about these cute, portable-friendly fruits? They are ridiculously easy to peel and therefore are great for keeping at your desk and within arm's reach when you get hungry.


3. Skinny Cow Chocolate Fudge Cone. This is my newest discovery, and besides being DELICIOUS, this 150 calorie treat satisfies my sweet tooth and has 3 grams of fiber! Fiber is your friend, people. (But I will say that consuming too much of it can have some adverse effects. You have been warned.)

4. Peanut butter on whole wheat toast. Mmm, peanut buttery goodness is hard to beat, and putting a tablespoon on two slices of Healthy Life 100% whole wheat bread (5 grams of fiber per serving!) hits the spot.


5. FiberPlus Antioxidants Chocolate Chip Chewy Bar. (Are you noting the fiber trend?) I used to be all about the FiberOne bars, but then I realized they, like practically every other packaged food on the planet, contain high fructose corn syrup. Then Kellog's created this tasty bar that happens to contain NO HFCS and has 20 fewer calories than FiberOne bars, so I was hooked! One of these tastes like a Samoa Girl Scout cookie without the guilt. Yummy!

What are your favorite snacks?

Easier Said Than Done

Many people have said weight loss is simply a matter of "eat less, move more," but it's so much more than that. If that were TRULY all it took, I think there would be more people losing weight. The missing ingredient in that recipe for weight loss is the mental one; losing weight is as much an emotional and mental battle as it is a physical one, and that's what is so difficult to master, in my opinion. You see, in order to "eat less and move more," you have to commit to do those things. You have to realize that your body and your health are important, that your weight can mean the difference between a short life and a long one, the difference between life and death. When you commit to it, you have to commit wholeheartedly and afford yourself no excuses. When I first decided last January that I was going to lose weight, I made a plan to exercise 6 days a week. And so I did that, but it was hard. There were days when that alarm went off at 6:00 a.m., and it was cold and dark, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was drag my fat butt to the gym. But I did it that first day, and the second day, and the day after that because I knew it's what I had to do to get the weight off, and I was sick and tired of making excuses and selling myself short. I treat exercise like an appointment that I can't miss because if I don't, if I give myself the slightest bit of leeway, I'll stop doing it. I'll find a reason not to one day (I'm tired or I'm too busy), and before I know it, I will have excused myself out of a week of exercise! I have to constantly watch myself, or I will become lazy again. Just yesterday I flaked out on my morning workout because my hips were sore from running, but in the afternoon I made myself workout for 40 minutes because I knew I didn't want to start the pattern of wimping out at the slightest amount of soreness.

And even more difficult (for me, anyway) than the exercise is the eating aspect of all of this. I probably could have lost the 60 pounds a lot faster than I have if I had been stricter with my food intake. However, I know myself and I know that if I were to deprive myself of foods that I love and cut them out of my diet completely, I would be destined to fail. It's happened in the past. I'd be good for a week or two and cut out sweets or chips or whatever, but then one day something would snap, and I'd go nuts, eating donuts and cookies and whatever else I could find. So I allow myself to eat sweets in small amounts, like the occasional brownie or chocolate, and sometimes I go overboard. Sometimes my mind and emotions are in check, and I can resist every temptation, and sometimes I am weak and just desperate for food, and I give in.

Yet what keeps me going is the fact that I know I am not on a diet. I'm not. People on diets get sidetracked one day and eat bad stuff or don't exercise, and then they beat themselves up, call themselves failures, and give up. That's why diets don't work; people see them as temporary fixes instead of permanent solutions. I am making changes to my lifestyle that I know I can sustain. I know I can't avoid sweets for the rest of my life, so I'm finding ways to fit them into my diet without doing too much damage to my overall caloric intake. I know to maintain my weight I will have to exercise, so I am consistently exercising and finding different ways to exercise to keep things interesting. Sometimes I don't want to do these things. It's a lot easier to sit on the couch and stuff my face. But I committed to this, and I believe the end result is worth the process, so I do it even when I don't feel like it, and I never regret it. I feel great afterwards. And yet I ALWAYS regret skipping a workout or eating that extra dessert, and I end up feeling horrible afterwards. Looking at those two outcomes, it seems pretty obvious which one I should choose.

Ultimately, the biggest obstacle to losing weight is yourself. Do you believe you can do it? Do you think you're worth the effort? Do you think you can be better? If you believe those things, prove it to yourself and make it happen. I'm not saying it will be easy because truth be told, it's ridiculously difficult. But I will say that it's absolutely, 100% worth it.