Reflections on Breastfeeding

Why am I writing a post on breastfeeding right now, almost a year after I quit breastfeeding Charlotte? The truth is I've had variations of this post drafted in my head, but I never had enough courage to post anything for fear of being judged as a bad mother. Motherhood is an intensely personal experience for me, and breastfeeding in particular is an intensely personal thing. However, I have decided to share my experience in the hopes that some young mom who is also having a hard time will stumble across this post and take comfort in the fact that she is not alone.

I struggled mightily with breastfeeding Charlotte due to an improper latch that I could not correct no matter how hard I tried.  When I did eventually stop breastfeeding and switch to formula when Charlotte was only 4 weeks old, I tortured myself about it for days--months even. There are moments even now, almost a year later, when I still think, "I should have kept trying."

But in those early days, I didn't see how I could keep trying. I was mentally exhausted from having to psych myself up for every feeding, only to have it be painful and stressful; I was physically exhausted because of the lack of sleep that accompanies caring for a newborn; and I was emotionally exhausted because I never expected the basic act of feeding my child to be so painfully difficult. It wasn't as if I didn't try: I read books, blog posts and forum discussions; I watched online videos; I sought help from friends; I visited a lactation consultant. Still the problems with latching persisted, and every feeding was a source of extreme anguish for me. I cried and prayed and cried some more. I tried pumping as well, but was barely able to pump enough to keep up with Charlotte, and pumping was also painful. I didn't know what else to do.

Despite assurances from Stephen that it was okay if we had to switch to formula, I wrestled with the decision. The truth is, I felt like a failure for not being able to do what only a mother can--breastfeed. Almost all of my friends with children breastfed their babies, so of course I felt like less of a mother when it didn't work out for me.  In some strange way I even felt as though I must have let all of my friends down, though I know they would never say that.  In addition, I felt like I let Charlotte down, which I know is ridiculous.  She had no expectations, no realization of what was going on. All she knew is that when she was hungry, she would be fed, and it was enough for her. But not for me.

What convinced me to give it a rest and switch to formula were my feelings toward Charlotte. While I had loved her from the moment I held her in my arms, I had begun to feel resentment toward her because she wouldn't "cooperate" and latch properly. (Even writing that makes me cringe inside.) These feelings made me feel terrible, and the last thing I wanted to do was resent my sweet baby girl. And while I truly believed that breastmilk is best (and still do), I also knew that it was best for Charlotte to have a mom who wasn't stressed and verging on an emotional breakdown. 

The amount of relief I felt when I finally gave up was tremendous. I felt such a burden lift from my soul, and I was able to focus more fully on Charlotte instead of obsessing about breastfeeding 24 hours a day. Our family was happier, and I was calmer and less anxious and tearful.

Anyone who is a mother is familiar with "mom guilt," and I became acquainted with it very early on in my days as a mother. I want to say I have made my peace with stopping breastfeeding, but I still mourn the loss of those months of nursing that I didn't have. Every time Charlotte got an ear infection, I wondered if it was because I didn't breastfeed her longer. I cringed inwardly the first few times we had to buy formula because it is expensive and breastfeeding is free. I secretly blamed myself when she got tubes, telling myself that if I had just breastfed her, her immune system would have been stronger, and she wouldn't have had so many problems. In the end, none of that matters.  I can't go back and change the past. I can't erase what's already been done. I have to stop myself when I go down that road of guilt and remorse because it takes me away from the peace of Christ. Guilt is not constructive; it is a tool of the enemy, and I have to recognize it and work against it before it consumes me. 

I don't know why breastfeeding didn't work out for me, but I know that God ordained Charlotte for our family, and I take great comfort in the fact that she is growing and thriving and happy and healthy. Ultimately, what more could I ask for?

Looking Back

It's Charlotte's birthday week! She turns one on March 4, so in honor of her birthday, I'll be dedicating all of this week's posts to her. To start things off, here's one of the last pictures of me before Charlotte came, taken when I was 2 days shy of being 40 weeks pregnant:

Goodness, I hadn't looked at that picture in a while! I forgot how BIG I had gotten. For most of my pregnancy, I got the "you don't even look that pregnant" comment, which drove me crazy because I wanted to have a nice big belly. I'm pretty sure no one said I didn't look that pregnant when I was 40 weeks. :)

The weeks leading up to Charlotte's birth were so exciting and filled with anticipation. What would she look like? (Adorable.) When would she come? (3 days after her due date.) Would my water break in some awkward location? (No, thank goodness. My water actually never broke on its own.) Would I succeed in my plans to have a natural birth? (Yes!) What would breastfeeding be like? (Challenging and emotional. More on that later.) I wrote in a blog post almost exactly a year ago today: 

What has been hardest is not knowing when she will come.  Every day I wake up thinking, "Maybe today," and at night when I go to bed, I think, "Will she come in the middle of the night?"  (Stephen has gotten in the habit of asking me when we wake up in the morning, "So your baby didn't come last night?"  He's such the comedian.)  Stephen and I are both so excited to meet this little one we've been dreaming about and planning for, and so the waiting is just about to drive me nuts!   

Fortunately, the wait didn't last forever, and she did come. We had no idea of the journey that was before us, and that was probably a good thing. :) 

Best Run EVER

Saturday I was slated to run 7 miles again. About 2 miles into the run, I decided to make it 8.  I felt good, and when I realized that mile 3 was faster than my previous 2 miles by 30 seconds, I felt REALLY good. I enjoyed the weather (cloudy and upper 40s) and the scenery and the time to zone out. When it was all said and done, I was thrilled to see that my average pace was faster than my standard 12 min. mile. Here are my times for each mile: 

Mile 1:  12:02
Mile 2:  12:03
Mile 3:  11:33
Mile 4:  11:31
Mile 5:  11:21
Mile 6:  11:30
Mile 7:  11:11
Mile 8:  11:25

Did you see that mile 7?! I was ecstatic when I saw that time. I know by most runners' standards, that pace is a snail's pace, but I hardly EVER run that fast, and the fact that I ran that fast in my seventh mile is even better!  I finished that run feeling amazing. I can't remember enjoying a run so much!

Take that, stupid scale! :)

There's No Turning Back

I can't undo it. I'm committed.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, I mailed in the registration for my first half marathon! I am running the Andrew Jackson Half Marathon on March 31! (Let's not talk about how that's NEXT MONTH, shall we?) When I was first looking for a race to register for, I dismissed this one almost automatically because it is so soon. However, the only other race that is going to be held in the near future and a feasible distance from me is the Country Music Half Marathon in Nashville. I seriously considered this one, until I realized that 1) The registration fee is over $100, 2) there are THOUSANDS of people who run in the race, and 3) we'd have to pay not only for the registration but also for a hotel near the start, and there was no way I was going to shell out $300-$400 total to torture myself run a half marathon! So the Nashville half was out, and the Jackson half was back on the table. Sure, I could wait until later in the year to run in a different race (there are several in the fall), but I feel like I have good momentum right now and am ready to conquer this baby!

March 31, here I come! All of you are invited to come cheer me on. I'll be the one bringing up the rear. :)

I Can't Do It Anymore

I can't blog about weight loss anymore. At least not for a while. I was sitting here writing a post and just hating every minute of it because I gained weight this week.  I didn't want to write about it and so I was torturing myself, imagining what all of you would think when I posted a weight gain for the second week in the row and telling myself that I am a pathetic excuse for a weight loss blogger. The guilt that I feel about gaining weight was increased tenfold because I had to not only own up to it but also felt like I had to find some way to turn it into a blog post that people would want to read.

The thing is, blogging is my hobby, and if I hate my hobby, what's the point of that? Also, that negative self talk in the last paragraph? It's not good. So I'm taking a break from the writing but not from the weight loss. I'll still blog about running or about Charlotte or whatever else strikes my fancy, but I need a break from being a weight loss blogger.

How We Met

In honor of Valentine's day, I thought I would share how Stephen and I met. Some of you may already know this story if you've been reading this blog for a while, but I know there are many who don't know, so here you go!

Stephen and I knew each other while attending Union University, but we didn't really hang out much; we just had some mutual friends, so our social circles crossed occasionally. (One time I drove him and another friend to a movie, and Stephen was singing some song. I asked innocently, "Who sings that song?" When he replied with the artist, I said, "Let's keep it that way, okay?" I was a real gem.) Stephen graduated from Union two years before I did but got a job working in the library, so I still saw him every now and then. Once I graduated, however, the only time I saw him was when were both in a wedding of some friends of ours.  I then moved to Knoxville to attend graduate school in August of 2005, and Stephen was still working at Union.

While in grad school (or maybe before, I'm not quite sure), I created a MySpace profile. (Remember MySpace? Haha.)  MySpace and Facebook both helped me procrastinate writing lots of papers in grad school, and one day in April 2006 when I was on MySpace, I received a message from Stephen. He had come across my profile and said hello and just wanted to see what I was doing and where I was now.  So I wrote him back and filled him in on the basics, he wrote me back, and then we began corresponding on a daily basis, often with multiple emails. We found several shared interests, and it wasn't long before I began looking forward to hearing from him and wanting to know more about him. What's crazy is that not long after we first started writing each other, one of our mutual friends from Union wrote me and told me she had a wild thought: I should marry Stephen!  Hmmm...

After almost two weeks of writing, I gave him my phone number (somewhat nervously and hesitantly), and he called me not long after that. Though I was worried that we wouldn't have much to talk about and that it would be awkward, we talked for three hours, and it was the easiest thing in the world! Our phone conversations continued, as did our writing (we each have upwards of 130 pages of emails saved in Word files), and it was pretty obvious that we were both very interested in pursuing something beyond friendship. After discussing it and praying about it, we began dating with the purpose of seeing if we could envision a future together. Even though a long distance relationship was not ideal, we made it work. I made several trips to Jackson to see him, and he came to Memphis several times to meet my parents and other family members when I was home from school for the summer. I also went to Illinois and met a bunch of his family when his grandfather passed away.  I was sorry to meet them under such sad circumstances, but it was great to meet his family.

I knew very early in our relationship that I wanted to marry Stephen, and he apparently felt the same way because we got engaged a mere three months after we started dating! I certainly don't recommend that time frame for everyone, but for us, it worked. There's the old saying,
"When you know, you know," and we definitely knew it was meant to be.

I am beyond blessed to have Stephen in my life, and my love for him has only grown, especially now that I am able to see the role he plays as Charlotte's father. I love you, Stephen!

And I sure am glad Tom invented MySpace. :)

Just Keep Running

This weekend I was supposed to run 7 miles. I wasn't looking forward to it. For one thing, I only ran once this past week, and for a measly 2.5 miles, so I wasn't exactly prepared to run 7. Also, despite the fact that January was one of the mildest Januarys I can remember, all of a sudden winter decided to show up, and it was going to be COLD over the weekend.  I'd more than likely end up running 7 miles inside, which would mean at least 90 minutes on the dreadmill. Finally, we had plans to go to Memphis to visit my family to celebrate my mom's birthday (she's a Valentine baby), and I knew if I was going to run I would have to get up early because we needed to leave the house around 11. This list of excuses is typically enough for me to just give up on running for the day, but I knew I had to do it if I was going to stay on top of my half marathon training, so I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m.

Yes, that's right, I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. on a SATURDAY. I used to think people who woke up early on the weekends to go and run were crazy. Now I am one of those people. And I probably am crazy.

But I was a crazy person running on the treadmill by 6:20, and I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself. Of course, it's easy to feel proud of yourself when you actually haven't run the 7 miles yet. Around mile 2.5 I started to think that I might lose my mind if I had to spend 4.5 more miles staring at the closet door. Even though I had a movie playing on my Kindle Fire, I was bored to tears. When I hit the 3 mile mark I decided to brave the winter weather and take my run outdoors. I changed into warmer clothes, grabbed my mp3 player and Garmin, and headed out the door.

Approximately 5 minutes later, I came back inside, convinced that I would a) die of frostbite or b) get blown away by the tremendous wintry gusts if I stayed outside. I changed back into my original clothes and hopped back on the treadmill, steeling myself for the torture that lay ahead.

But somehow, it wasn't torture. Sure, I was dripping with sweat and huffing and puffing and still staring at the closet door, but the run really wasn't terrible. In fact, I even enjoyed parts of it! Who knew?! :)

95 minutes later, I had logged 7.5 miles (7 mile run with .25 mile warmup and cool down). The best part was it was just a little past 8:00 a.m. when I finished, so I still had the whole day to look forward to! I am so glad I didn't skip my run. Whenever I am tempted to skip a workout, I remember that I always regret skipping a workout but I never wish I hadn't worked out. Mind over matter, friends!

February 2012: Week 1 Report

Even though I REALLY don't want to post my weigh-in for this week, I'm going to. I keep it real here, yo. :)

Weight on Feb. 1: 177.8
Weight on Feb. 8: 179
GAIN of 1.2 pounds

I may have ended January on a really high note, but I certainly didn't start February well. Since last Wednesday, I have exercised a total of 2 times. The good news is that one of those workouts was a 6.2 mile run! I didn't take any walk breaks, either. Here's a post-run pic of me in all my proud, sweaty glory:

The run took me 74 minutes to do, but that is a typical pace for me, so I wasn't surprised. I loved having my Garmin with me because it helped me keep a consistent pace and beeped whenever I completed a mile. It's such an awesome tool!

The reason I didn't get more workouts in is because I really slacked off on getting up at 5:30. I did wake up early enough to do my Bible reading every morning but one, but I definitely need to get out of the bed by 5:30 like I was in January if I'm going to get those workouts in. And part of the reason I had a harder time getting up early is because I didn't do a good job of abiding by my 10:00 p.m. curfew, which made sleeping in all the more tempting. Discipline has such a domino effect. Slip up on one thing, and it causes you to slip up in other areas, too.

I've given myself a stern inner talking to, however, and I WILL post a loss for next week's weigh-in, even if it's half a pound!

Charlotte at 11 Months

Charlotte turned 11 months old on Saturday! I of course refuse to fully accept this because that means that next month she will turn 1 year old. Nope, not happening. :) This post will unfortunately be picture-less because 1) I am writing this at work on my lunch break and can't access facebook (lame!) and 2) Charlotte hardly stays still long enough for me to get a decent picture. I have all but given up on the cute, posed pictures of her early days. Remember when she used to just demurely lie about on the pretty blanket and pose with Pooh Bear? Alas, those days are long gone, but I love this stage of life she is in. There's not a day that goes by that we aren't cracking up over something she's said or done.

Charlotte is all over the place, exploring and eating dog food making new discoveries. Her hair is getting longer and longer, and I've started to put it in a ponytail almost every day because it keeps most of the hair out of her eyes. She often ignores most of her real toys in favor of  objects that are not toys (phone cords, paper, drawstrings on shirts and jackets, doorstops, etc.). She can walk if she's using her little push toy and if we hold her hands, but she's not walking on her own yet. She stood up unassisted for all of 3 seconds yesterday before toppling forward, so she's getting braver and stronger every day.  She can crawl across a room in about 4 seconds flat and loves to find wherever Bailey is so she can pet her or steal her dog toys. She sleeps great at night, still going down around 6:30 and often sleeping until close to 7:00 (yesterday she even slept until 7:30). Her little voice is the cutest sound in the world, and she says "baba" and "dada" and "mama" but never in the appropriate contexts (not that I'm even sure what context is appropriate for "baba") . She loves snuggling up to her daddy and follows him around the house, and she squeals and giggles when he tosses her in the air or wrestles with her on our bed. Nothing is too boring for her little fingers to investigate, which means we are constantly fishing inside her mouth to see what she's found on the floor.

She's recently started throwing tantrums if we take away something she was playing with or if we try to change her diaper. (I'm not sure what's up with the diaper thing. She's never been a fan of diaper or clothing changes, but lately she just cries and screams like we're torturing her. Sometimes a toy will distract her, but other times she just tosses it aside. Any advice from other parents?)

I look at her every day and marvel at the how quickly she is growing. Seeing her face every day reminds me anew of God's greatness and blessing on our life. I am so thankful for her and can't wait to see the little lady she grows up to be!

Friday Five: Charlotte's Hair

Some babies are born bald or even with a slight peach fuzz. Not our Charlotte. She came out of the womb with a full head of hair, and she didn't lose any of it! It just keeps growing and growing, and I think a haircut of some sort is her near future. Here are some of my favorite pictures of Charlotte's ever-changing hair:

1.  The punk rocker (that expression is just priceless):

2.  Beautiful in a bow (this is the bow the nurses put on her in the hospital):

3.  Bed head:

4. Rocker chick:

5. Pretty in a ponytail:

Month in Review: January 2012

All in all, January was a very good month.

I exercised for a total of 601 minutes. That's not a ton for some people, but it's my highest total since I had Charlotte.

I burned over 6,000 calories.

I kept up with my Bible reading plan.

I ran my longest postpartum run: 5 miles!

I got a new 'do:

I went on a wonderful women's retreat with my church.

I have gotten considerably better at waking up at 5:30 a.m. I still don't make it every day (like today), but I think I manage to about 4 out of the 5 weekdays.

I lost 6.4 pounds!  Weight on Jan. 1: 184.2
                                   Weight on Feb. 1: 177.8

Hello, 170s! It's great to see you, but I hope we're only friends for a short while. I've got the 160s and 150s to meet! :)

How was your January? I'm excited to see what February has in store!