Fat: An Autobiography, Part 1

I weighed in today at 204.6, making my total weight loss 56.8 pounds! I really have grown to love weighing in less frequently; I feel I'm more likely to see a loss that way, and now I don't feel as though the scale has the power to determine my self-worth like it used to. In February, I'm only going to weigh myself on Feb. 13 (two weeks from today), and Feb. 28 (the last day of the month). I'm hoping that by Feb. 13 I will have reached 60 pounds lost, which is only 3.2 pounds, so I feel pretty confident that I can get there. And then, when I weigh in at the end of the month, I'm hoping to be below 200 pounds! I will be SO excited when that happens, I can't even put it into words.

The last time I was below 200 pounds was probably about 6 or 7 years ago, during college. I entered college weighing around 160-165 pounds, and that was the skinniest I had been in quite some time. It didn't last long, though. I gained the requisite freshmen fifteen, but then came the sophomore twenty and junior twenty, and by the time I left college, I was back over 200 pounds and then some.

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. If you were to look at pictures of me in grade school, even then you'd see a chubby girl. I was over 200 pounds by middle school. Middle school in general is hard, but middle school as an overweight nerdy girl is even harder. I couldn't wear any of the cool clothes from Gap or Limited Too; my clothes came from Walmart because there I could find cheap clothes that would fit me. I was painfully aware of this any time I was around other girls who were talking about clothes; I didn't dare say that I'd never even been inside a Limited Too, even though I'm sure it was obvious I was too fat to fit into the clothes. This is not to say that I was unhappy; I was fortunate enough to have some friends, but I always felt as though I were on the outskirts of everything. Anytime I went to church or to the mall or to class, I looked around me, hoping to see at least one person who was as big as I felt, but rarely did that happen. I became used to being the biggest girl among my friends and peers, even though I'm sure there were others who were overweight as well. I felt like the only fat girl in the whole school, and as much as this depressed me, I didn't stop eating. It was sometime during middle school when I learned the art of sneaky eating. Before my parents got home from work, I'd scrounge through the pantry and the fridge, looking for something I could eat. I distinctly remember more than one occasion when I'd eat a Drumstick ice cream cone, and then eat another, and then I'd hide the wrappers deep down in the trash so no one would know. If no one knew how much I was eating, no one could nag me about it or judge me for it.

At the time I don't think I was even aware of how much my eating was linked to comfort, but I know that must have been what drove me to eat much of the time. In high school, where I felt more at home, I still was always worried about how I looked, and I still spent many days crying out of loneliness, wondering what was wrong with me. The first day of school each year was always agony, as I tried desperately to come up with an outfit that wouldn't look completely lame, but this was hard to do when the only clothes that fit me were made for middle-aged women. I never let my concerns about my appearance show; I became an expert at covering up sadness with a smile or a joke. I look back at pictures of me in high school, and I cringe. I wonder if people knew how miserable I really was.

I tried to lose weight a few times, but the attempts were half-hearted at best. I'd eat grapefruits for breakfast, salads or a turkey sandwich for lunch, and whatever my mom made for dinner, and I'd lose ten pounds. Motivation then waned, and I'd gain it back. I was a pro at yo-yo dieting by age 16.

Part 2 forthcoming...

Weekly Workouts: Jan. 25-Jan. 31

Last week's calories burned: 3211
Last week's minutes: 343

I ended up taking Friday off because I felt like my body needed a break. This week I'm going to focus on strength training and will therefore have low-intensity cardio sessions. Here's the plan:

Sunday: 10 Minute Solution Pilates: Upper Body and Lower Body; Day 1 Bootcamp video--30 min. total

Monday: Cardio and strength training at the gym; Day 2 Bootcamp video--70 min. total

Tuesday: Walk at Home: 5 Mile Fat Burning Walk; Day 3 Bootcamp video--80 min. total

Wednesday: Cardio and strength training at the gym; Day 4 Bootcamp video--70 min. total

Thursday: Walk Slim: 4 Fast and Firm Miles; Day 5 Bootcamp video--62 min. total

Friday: Cardio and strength training at the gym; Day 6 Bootcamp video--70 min. total

Saturday: GAIAM Balance Ball for Upper and Lower Body OR Pilates if too sore from strength training; Day 7 Bootcamp video--50 min. total

What Do I Live For?

We were discussing poetry in class a few days ago, and I had my stdents bring in song lyrics that they found to be "poetic." The results were varied and interesting, and one student brought in a song called "Hosea's Wife," by one of my favorite Christian artists, Brooke Fraser. I have her album, so I've heard the song multiple times, but that day in class when the student read them aloud, it was as though I was hearing them for the first time. Here are the words:

Hosea's Wife

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me
She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech
That turned to mine and asked belligerently
"What do I live for?"

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go
From hearts to wars to literature to radio
There's a question like a shame no one will show
"What do I live for?"

We are Hosea's wife
We are squandering this life
Using people like ladders and words like knives

[CHORUS]
If we've eyes to see
If we've ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths
The word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin

There is truth in little corners of our lives
There are hints of it in songs and children's eyes
It's familiar, like an ancient lullaby
What do I live for?

We are Hosea's wife
We are squandering this life
Using bodies like money and truth like lies

[CHORUS]

[Bridge]
We are more than dust
That means something
That means something
We are more than just
Blood and emotions
Inklings and notions
Atoms on oceans


The question "What do I live for?" jolted me, and the chorus of the song has been in my head ever since. I have felt as though I'm living a sort of stagnant Christianity, one that knows the Word but doesn't truly live it or know God. My head is full of scriptures, but my heart is full of laziness and pride and vanity and cynicism. My Christianity is primarily one of knowledge, not of experience. It's not enough for me to read or hear of how God works in the lives of others; I want to be more aware of and experience His work in my life. And I know He's working, but I'm not looking for it.

To borrow a (slightly altered) line from a Li Young Lee poem, how do I take what I love inside? How do I make the knowledge in my head translate into action? How many times do I have to read the words in Matthew 6 that encourage me not to worry about tomorrow but to store up treasures in heaven before I actually start doing that? What do I live for? Most days, I feel as though I live for myself, but I know that true life is found in Christ, and I want that. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection. I want to be found in Him, and Him alone.

I don't want to squander this life.

Celebrating One Year

Today marks my first anniversary of signing up for SparkPeople and beginning my journey towards a healthier me! It's hard to believe that there was a time when I didn't even know about SP, but now I can't imagine not having it! It's been such a valuable tool and a huge source of encouragement and guidance, and I've learned so much about myself and fitness and nutrition because of this site. Without SP, I doubt I ever would have thought to track all of my food and exercise, nor would I know nearly as much about exercising and eating and staying on track (/end unsolicited commercial). As of today, I have lost 54.6 pounds, and I couldn't be happier!

But even more than a number on a scale is the value I have found in feeling more confident about myself and what I can do. I have proven to myself that I am worth the effort it takes to say no to all the junk and yes to exercise and more fruits and vegetables. I am worth the effort it takes to wake up and work out. I am worth the effort it takes to push myself through a strength training session or an interval session. I am worth the effort it takes to avoid mindless snacking. I am worth it, and I am strong!

My life has changed, and I don't want to go back to who I was before. That person was lazy and unmotivated and unconcerned with her health. That person was drowning in self-pity and discouragement about her body. That person was convinced she would always be fat, that fat was her destiny. That person is GONE! In its place is a woman who wants to take care of her body, wants to cherish the temple God has given her, that she may honor God. In its place is a woman who knows that she is more than a number on a scale or a number on a clothing label. She knows she is loved by God no matter her size but doesn't let that excuse her from taking care of herself.

Essentially, I want to continue becoming the woman God has called me to be, in ALL areas of my life, not just health. But I have learned that by neglecting my weight and bingeing on food, I was allowing gluttony and self-pity to have a stronghold in my life. I think I will always battle an addiction to food, but I know that it will not control me. Galatians 5:1 tells me that it is for FREEDOM I have been set free, so I will not let myself be burdened again and be a slave to food! I will embrace who I am in Christ, and I will live each day in gratitude that He has brought me out of darkness and into His glorious light.

Weekly Workouts: Jan. 18-Jan. 24

I initially thought about making this a "light" cardio week because I've been working out a lot this month due to my committing to 30 minutes a day for 30 days and my desire to get rid of the holiday heftiness, but I decided to wait and do a light week next week after I've had 3 straight weeks of logging lots of fitness minutes.

My total minutes for the week of Jan. 11: 322 (excluding bootcamp videos for days 2-7)
Total calories burned: 3667 (also excluding bootcamp videos; about the same as last week!)

This week's plan
Sunday: Walk at Home: Fat Burning Walk (miles 1&2) and Bootcamp Day 1 Video—35 min. total
Status: DONE
Calories burned: 384

Monday: 10 Minute Solutions: Fitness Ball Workouts (30 min.) and Bootcamp Day 2-36 minutes total
Status: DONE
Calories burned: 383

Tuesday: Biggest Loser Bootcamp Levels 1 &2, Fat Burning Walk (mile 3), Bootcamp Day 3—60 min. total

Wednesday: Balance Ball for Lower Body, Upper Body, and Core, Bootcamp Day 4—70 min. total

Thursday: Biggest Loser Bootcamp Levels 1&2, Biggest Loser High Intensity Cardio, Bootcamp Day 5—65 min. total

Friday: Fat Burning Walk (miles 4&5), Less Is More Cardio workout, Bootcamp Day 6—65 min. total

Saturday: Strength training and cardio at the gym, Bootcamp Day 7—60 min. total

Total minutes: 391

A note about calories burned: If you want to get the most accurate estimate of how many calories you burn doing an activity, the best thing to do is buy a heart rate monitor. I was able to get mine for the low price of $25, but most models that include calorie burn estimates along with heart rate readings cost anywhere from $70-200. If you're serious about losing weight, though, I highly recommend getting one.

Favorite Workouts

I was asked if the workouts on my schedule are some of my favorites. I thought I'd share a list here, divided into categories, of DVDs and workouts I really enjoy. Many of these can be found on sites like eBay or half.com for pretty decent prices, and most are even under 10 dollars on Amazon.

Cardio DVDs:
1. 10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootamp: If you're not familiar with the 10 Minute Solution DVDs, it's a series of workouts divided into 5, 10-minute segments. You can choose your workouts, so you can do anywhere from 1 segment to all 5, depending on how much time you have. I really like this one because it combines kickboxing moves with sculpting using light weights. It's also really challenging, which certainly is helpful.
2. CRUNCH Fat-Burning Dance Party Yes, it does say "dance" in the title. This is one of the first DVDs I bought, and while it's not nearly as challenging as it used to be, it's a great, fun workout, and I still enjoy pulling it out every now and then. I still probably look as idiotic doing it as I did when I first got it, but that doesn't prevent me from having a good time and working up a sweat.
3. Dancing with the Stars: Cardio Dance: This DVD is also divided into 5, 10-minute segments, each with a different dance as its focus. (you can select how many you want to do, which is nice) My personal favorites are the cha cha, the samba, and the jive (although that last one is so difficult that sometimes I end up just jogging in place.) The cues in this DVD aren't always easy to follow, which might be frustrating to some, but if I get flustered I just do something I know how to do until the instructors move on. Also, one of the dancers has an awfully annoying, overly cheerful voice that can sometimes grate on the nerves, but you can opt to do the workouts with just the music, which solves that problem. :)
4. Biggest Loser Workout, vol. 1: I love the show, and I also love this DVD. It has different workouts to choose from, with varying levels of difficulty, so you can mix and match them. Bob is a great trainer on the DVD and isn't too annoying, which is a plus.
5. Leslie Sansone--Walk Slim 4 Fast and Firm Really Big Miles My husband can't stand the instructor of this DVD, and she is rather perky, but I like her. She has a LOT of different in-home walking workouts that are perfect for the choreographically-challenged or those who want an uncomplicated workout that still burns calories. I like this 4 mile one because it is more advanced in that some of the miles also incorporate jogging or the use of a resistance band.

Strength Training DVDs:
1. Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred: Sadly, I had to quit doing this workout because it is too tough on my knees, but if you need a quick, effective, and challenging workout, this is it. There are 3 levels on the DVD, and each level operates on a 3-2-1 system--3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs, and she does these circuits 3 times in each workout. It may not sound like much, but believe me, it is TOUGH. The first time I did it, I could barely get through the whole thing, and it's about 27 minutes from warm-up to cool down! I highly recommend it.
2. Biggest Loser Workout, Vol. 1: This is in the cardio section as well, but it includes some great strength training segments as well.
3. Biggest Loser Workout--Boot Camp: This is a recently-released DVD that I've only done 1 level of (there are 3 total, which you add over time), but I really like it. Bob leads the workouts, and they are a combination of cardio and strength training (the reason for this combination in this DVD and many others is that strength training and cardio combined offer maximum calorie burn).

Pilates:
1. CRUNCH Fat Burning Pilates: This workout combines standing Pilates legwork with traditional Pilates mat exercises and is very challenging and effective. The instructor of this workout, Ellen Barrett, is very personable and gives good cues. This workout, especially the standing portion, burns a decent amount of calories, too.
2. 10 Minute Solution: Slim and Sculpt Pilates These workouts utlize a resistance band (it comes with the DVD and is purple--woohoo!), which makes them more challenging and more effective, in my opinion. I really feel this the day after I complete the workout. It's not a big calorie burner, but Pilates is a great way to tone muscle, and I also find it strangely relaxing.

If you don't feel like spending money on workout DVDs, there are a lot of great, short workouts done by the fitness website I use, SparkPeople. They even have a YouTube channel with all of their videos, which you can use for FREE! The website itself has also been of tremendous help to me; had I not found it, I wouldn't be tracking my food as diligently as I do, nor would I be as informed about health and fitness issues. It costs nothing to use, and if you're looking to lose weight or live healthier, definitely check it out!

What are some of your favorite workouts? Any I should check out? I'm always looking for new ones to try!

Weekly Workouts: Jan. 11-Jan. 17

I'm down 1 pound this week, which means I've officially lost 20% of my original weight! This is a HUGE victory for me, and I am so excited!

Speaking of the scale, I will confess that I weighed myself on Friday, despite having decided to only weigh once a week. However, I did so because of a 12-week challenge I'm participating in on this blog, and weigh ins are on Friday. I temporarily thought I would just change my weigh-in day to Fridays, but I really like weighing in on Mondays, so I'm going to stick with that and pledge not to weigh in until next Monday.

I thought I'd share my workouts with you, in case you're interested or need some ideas. I like planning out my workouts for the week b/c it helps me make sure I get in at least 2 strength training sessions, and it keeps me from just looking at my DVDs for 5 minutes while I try to figure out which one will bore me the least. :) I don't always stick to my plan entirely, but having it gives me focus and something to look forward to. SparkPeople.com, the amazing weight loss and fitness site, is doing a challenge for the month of January which involves a different workout each day. They're short (no more than 10 minutes), and if you do one a day, by the end of the week you will have worked out all of your major muscle groups! (If you do a search on YouTube for "SparkPeople New You Bootcamp," you can see the list of them there and view them for free!) A lot of my workouts this week use a stability ball, which just so happens to be my newest and current favorite exercise gear. You can do so many different things with a stability ball, and they're relatively inexpensive. I got mine on Amazon.com, and it came with 2 DVDs and a resistance band. Plus, when you're trying to pump up the ball after you first get it, you get a little workout. Bonus! :)


My (tentative, may-be-changed) plan:

Week of Jan. 11-Jan. 17
Jan. 11: Day 1 Bootcamp Video and Biggest Loser High Intensity Cardio--30 min. total
Status: DONE
Calories burned: 387

Jan. 12: Day 2 Bootcamp Video, Billy Blanks Fat Burn Accelerator--about 60 min. total
Status: DONE
Calories burned: 630

Jan. 13: Day 3 Bootcamp, crosstrainer and treadmill intervals and upper body strength training--at least 60 min. total
Status:
Calories burned:

Jan. 14: Day 4 Bootcamp, Biggest Loser Bootcamp Level 1 and Walk Slim 2 Miles, and Gaiam Balance Ball Abs Workout--60+ min.
Status:
Calories burned:

Jan. 15: Day 5 Bootcamp, Cardio Dance Blast and Gaiam Balance Ball Lower Body workout--55 min.
Status:
Calories burned:

Jan. 16: Day 6 Bootcamp, Biggest Loser Bootcamp Level 1 and Gaiam Balance Ball Upper Body workout--40 min.
Status:
Calories burned:

Jan. 17: Day 7 Bootcamp, 10 MInute Solution: Pilates for Abs, Upper and Lower Body--40 min. total
Status:
Calories burned:

Total minutes for the week of Jan. 11:
Total calories burned:

Scale-ing Back

Yesterday I weighed in at 210! That means I've lost the weight I gained over the holidays and now have (re)lost a total of 51.4 pounds. I'm excited to see where I'll be at the end of the month. I'm hoping to go from 212-207, but I'd love any weight loss I have.

I don't know about everyone else, but I am a once-a-day weigher, and I've decided I need to stop. Some days it motivates me to work harder, but most days if I see a number I don't like I just get mad or beat myself up all day for gaining even just a little amount. There is no real reason to weigh daily, so I'm going to try going a whole week without weighing. I was going to try for the whole month, but I thought I should start small. :) So I pledge to myself and the 3 people who read this blog that I won't weigh myself again until Monday, January 12. I will try to go 2 weeks after that and see what happens.

In the past when I've tried to "quit" the scale, I just got so worried about how I was doing and obsessing about whether or not I'd gained weight, but that thinking is silly. As long as I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly and practicing good habits, the scale should have no bearing on how I feel about myself or my progress, so I want to work more at celebrating my non-scale successes. Here are a few non-scale victories:

1. I've lost over 30 inches from my body since starting my weight loss journey.
2. I've lost 3 pants sizes. (Although this slightly bugs me b/c I feel like I should have lost more, but hey, I'll take it!)
3. I've made exercise a habit and a permanent part of my daily routine.
4. I drink more water than I ever have in my life!
5. Whereas when I started I could only do about 5 minutes on the elliptical before wanting to collapse into a sweaty mess, now I can do 50 minutes or more before collapsing into a sweaty mess. (I don't think I'll ever be rid of the sweaty mess, unfortunately.)
6. I don't get winded going up a flight of stairs.
7. I eat more fruit (and yesterday and today I will have gotten in my 5 servings of fruits and veggies, which is SO hard for me!)
8. I have more energy.
9. I watch my portions more.
10. I feel more confident about myself and my abilities in many areas of life.

With all of that, who needs the scale?

The Obligatory Post About New Year's Resolutions

I'm not making resolutions, I'm making goals. I'm a fan of goals; I think it's really important to have goals because otherwise there's the possibility of ending up stagnant and unfulfilled. I'm determined to work at each of these goals, and I also hope to formulate monthly goals to accompany these larger goals. For now, here are goals I hope to achieve in 2009.

Personal Goals:

1. Memorize at least 20 passages of Scripture.
2. Read at least 20 books this year. (I know that's a pitifully low number, but I honestly don't have time to read a lot when I'm teaching.)
3. Be intentional about prayer. I will make a prayer list and spend time daily in prayer and Bible study.
4. Learn how to knit or crochet. I really want to learn how to do this, so I will find a way!
5. Find more ways to serve at church or in the community.
6. Blog at least 2 times a week.

Fitness/Weight Loss Goals:

1. Lose 50 more pounds
2. Get into a size 14 or 12
3. Lose 10 more inches from my waist
4. Go from the "obese" to "overweight" BMI range. (I'd like to be in the "healthy" range, but for me that's at 155 at the highest, and I probably won't go that low.)
5. Feel good in a bathing suit this summer!
6. Get rid of diet soda!
7. Aim for 1000 fitness minutes a month.
8. Walk a mile in 13:30.
9. Go from using mainly 8-pound dumbbells to 12-pound ones.
10. Build more muscle mass!
11. Measure out portions.
12. Think before I eat.