Good Riddance!

What better way to welcome in the new year than to say goodbye to a bunch of fat clothes?? Today I went through all of my clothes and purged what is too big to wear, and I ended up with quite a pile. I also realized I won't have much in the way of warm-weather clothing when spring rolls around, so it looks like I'll have to get some new clothes. Bummer! :p

I have been intending to get rid of clothes for a while, but I was afraid that if I got rid of them, I would need them. What if I gained a bunch of weight back? What would I wear? I finally decided that having these clothes amounts to an emotional security blanket that I do NOT need, and I am not going to even allow myself the POSSIBILITY of gaining all that weight back, so good riddance, fat clothes! I will never see you again!

I am so excited to see what 2009 has in store for me!

Battle of the Heart, Soul, and Mind

(DISCLAIMER: This is the first time I am posting my actual weight on my blog (outside of SparkPeople--for some reason I had no problem posting my weight there). I decided to do this because I will no longer let a number on a scale define me or cause me to be ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed of, for I am actively making changes that will lead to a healthier me. I am more than just a number, I am a daughter of the Most High God, and He bought me with His blood! In the truth there is freedom, and I am embracing it.)

When I left to go to my parents' house for Christmas last Tuesday, I weighed in at 211.2. Today, I weighed in at 212. I've been floating between that and 210 for all of December, so I wasn't terribly surprised to see that weight, but I wasn't jumping up and down in excitement, either! BUT even though I gained .8 pounds over the Christmas holiday, I burned over 3900 calories last week! I've only done that one other time (back in the summer), and I was really proud of myself for staying committed to exercising despite being away from home and having limited options.

Of course, all that exercising was pretty much undone by all the eating. I have battled food issues for most of my life, but they seem to have intensified in the past two months or so, and I'm just now starting to realize this and try to find solutions to it. I don't want to use the term "emotional eater"; instead, I think "mindless eater" is more fitting for me. I haven't been thinking enough about the food I'm eating or why I'm eating it; if it's there, I just eat it! We all know that's a foolproof way to blow any weight loss progress, so it's no wonder I haven't made much progress in November or December! If I don't think about everything that goes into my mouth, I'm going to make bad choices. Period.

This past week it also didn't help that I couldn't track much of anything because the majority of food was homemade or restaurant fare without proper nutritional information. Otherwise, I'm very consistent about tracking food and most days I try to plan ahead for the next day so there are no surprises. This has worked well for me in the past because seeing that food already logged in there makes it more permanent, but recently I've just eaten and eaten and then later realized I've consumed 2,500+ calories in a day. That is NOT a way to live, and I know it because it was the way I've lived for years. I'm tired of not taking my health and my body seriously; I owe it to the Lord, to my husband, and to myself to take care of the body I've been given, and I can't keep feeding it junk and expect good results.

I think I got overly confident when I got to that 50 pound milestone and thought I could slack off a bit on intentional eating, but I have definitely proven myself wrong in that, and I've realized how proud and self-reliant I've been behaving. I've lost sight of my need for God to guide me and direct me on this journey, and I've gotten lazy. All that's going to change, though! If I'm going to make it to my goal, I HAVE to refocus and prioritize.

Right now my plan of attack to combat my out-of-control eating is as follows:

1. First and foremost I must keep my eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of my faith! If I stop viewing this as a spiritual journey as well as a physical and mental one, I am failing. The glory of God comes before everything else, and so I MUST do this in a way that brings honor to Him. That means no relying on my own strength or becoming cocky, no obsessing over a number on a scale or on a pair of jeans, no comparing myself to others but only to Him.

2. Weigh and portion out EVERYTHING I eat! I did this some at the very beginning of my weight loss journey, but then I just got lazy and trusted myself to eyeball measurements. I'm sure I'm consuming additional calories because of this, and that's completely unnecessary. I want to be purposeful and intentional about what I eat, so that means measure, measure, measure! My sweet husband allowed me to use some of HIS Christmas money to order a digital food scale, and I'm really excited for it come in the next week or so!

3. THINK before I eat! I want to pay attention to my body and know a true hunger signal versus a plain old craving. I want to be able to answer the following questions before eating something: Will eating this benefit me nutritionally? Will I feel guilty if I eat this? Is there a better food I could eat? Do I need this food right now? I'm going to put these questions on the refrigerator so I can have a visual reminder of them.

4. Learn to eat to live, not live to eat. I love food. Obviously, I didn't get to 261 pounds by hating it (can I just say it was REALLY hard to type that number!). But I need to stop relying on food to satisfy some deep emotional or psychological need that it is not to meant to satisfy. I want to change my way of thinking about food, so that my attitude becomes, "My body needs this as fuel" instead of "I don't care what my body needs, I want to eat what I want, when I want."

If I can achieve each of these four things, there is no reason I shouldn't succeed. By the grace of God, I am who I am.

Music Monday: The Christmas Edition

I wanted to share a few of my favorite Christmas songs with you, some new, some old, some traditional, some not so much.

The first one is a funny, whimsical song called "Toy Packaging," and it's sung by Sara Groves, one of my favorite Christian artists. It has no deep meaning, but the message is definitely one many will relate to. :) (I think it plays automatically, but I'm not smart enough to figure out to make it not do that, so my apologies.)

Watch Video:

Toy Packaging (Sara Groves)

Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com

The next song is one of my favorite traditional Christmas songs, "O Come O Come, Emmanuel." I love the haunting nature of the melody and the beauty of the verses. The version I've chosen is sung by Steven Curtis Chapman because his arrangement of this song is one of my favorites.



The last is one I've fallen in love with over the past week or so, and I've driven Stephen crazy by singing to him the only part I know. The song is called "A Baby Changes Everything," and it's on Faith Hill's newest Christmas album, Joy to the World. I don't own anything else by Faith Hill, but I own this song and the whole album. I really love it.



Merry Christmas! Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

It's not Christmas unless You ElfYourself

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

If This Doesn't Make You Tear Up, You Have a Heart of Stone

A Little of This, a Little of That

1. I am in the home stretch with school; this is finals week, but I had my students turn in a paper as their final, so I'm just camped out at home pretending to grade but actually watching season 4 of The Office. They'll get done, though. Eventually.

2. I have several books I want to read, but here are three I am definitely tackling as soon as grading is behind me: The Reason for God by Timothy Keller, Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, and The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley.

3. I burned 3000 calories working out last week. This week my goal is 3,500, which is what it takes to lose one pound.

4. I am proud of the way I've been pushing myself with exercise, but I still need to work on my eating. Some days are really good, and other days frustration or laziness gets the best of me, and I don't make good choices. I think I will battle food issues the rest of my life, but I will NOT go back to where I was at the beginning of this year.

5. If Vicky wins this season of The Biggest Loser, I will be furious. She is the biggest game player and has acted horrendously for most of the season. I'm rooting for Michelle, who is pretty much the only likeable person left.

6. When the new year begins, I will be thinner than I've been since I graduated college. For once I won't regret where I am but will look forward to where I am going. God has done an amazing work in my life this year!

7. Favorite album of 2008: Albertine by Brooke Fraser. Go and look her up; you won't regret it. Runner up: Ending is Beginning by downhere.

50 Pounds Gone FOREVER

I finally reached the 50 pounds lost goal! Surpassed it, even (by 1.2 pounds). I've now lost a total of 51.2 pounds since beginning on Jan. 21, and I am so thrilled! Even though I was slightly derailed by Thanksgiving weight gain, I have come back from that and am moving in the right direction. I can't wait to see what 2009 has in store for me; I know it's going to be an amazing year!

Planned Parenthood=Lies

First, I read this blog by Albert Mohler discussing Indiana's Planned Parenthood offering gift certificates that could be used for abortions, and that disgusted me. (Full story here.)

Then, I saw a link to this video on Heather's blog. It's disturbing and sickening and needs to be shared.

The Picture that Started It All

Prior to the beginning of my weight loss journey, there was one picture that shocked me into action. The picture was taken during Christmas break in 2007, and when I saw it in January of 2008, I was disgusted. I couldn't believe I had let myself get to that point, and I was depressed when I realized how much I had neglected my health.



Today, I put on the same outfit to compare then to now. Notice how in the first picture, I couldn't even button the sweater fully. Look at it now! I realize I still look very large, but there's definitely a difference.



Here's a side view to illustrate how big the pants are now. (I made a concerted effort not to suck in my stomach.)



Sometimes I feel like I haven't lost that much weight, and I wonder if anyone can even tell I've lost weight, but then I look at pictures like this, and I know I've done it. And I will keep going, no matter how long it takes. People have asked me what I'm doing to lose weight, and it's not a big secret: I'm eating less and exercising more. Simple as that. No pills, no fad diets, no easy fixes, just healthy living and hard work. I am not going to be discouraged about it taking me longer than I'd like, and I'm not going to compare my progress or my fitness plan to anyone else's. I'm going to listen to my body, seek the Lord, work my hardest, and leave the rest up to Him. How can I NOT succeed if I do that?

If you're thinking about losing weight or wishing you could, start TODAY. It is never too late. You can change your life, one day at a time. Determine that the first day you'll exercise for 15 minutes, and then do more each day after that. Record what you eat and note which foods you eat too much of (sweets with no nutritional value) and what you don't get enough of (fruits and veggies), and make gradual changes to your eating. Allow yourself no excuses. Be consistent. Make a plan and stick to it. If I can do it, anyone can. ANYONE. Thus concludes my weight loss inspirational moment of the day. ;)

New Month, New Start

I had this whole whiny blog typed up about how I gained weight (1.4 pounds) during Thanksgiving break, and it was quite depressing and pathetic, so I deleted it. I'm not going to say that I'm not completely disappointed about the weight gain, but since it's absolutely my fault for eating much more than I needed to, what can I do? I can wallow in self-pity (which I did for a while), or I can make a plan of attack for this month and resolve to learn from my Thanksgiving mistakes. I don't need dessert with every meal. I don't need seconds of my favorite foods. I don't need snacks every two hours. These are things I learned, and I will NOT repeat my Thanksgiving mistakes at Christmas! I read somewhere recently that the average person gains 8 pounds over the holidays, and that is completely unacceptable to me. I will not be average!

Here are my goals:
--I will not gain any more weight this year.
--I will reach the 50 pounds lost goal. (2 pounds to go!)
--I will get to a total of 20% of my original weight lost (4 pounds to go!)
--I will say "no" to foods I will later regret eating.
--I will exercise even when I don't want to (I did well with that over the break).
--I will not eat after dinner.
--I will not feel sorry for myself.
--I will not compare my weight loss with anyone else's.
--I will celebrate small victories every day.
--I will walk a faster mile on the treadmill (need to beat 15:02) and on the elliptical (need to beat 9:35).

I am going to end this year with a bang, not a whimper. If I fall down seven times, I'll get up eight!

Reader Poll: Christmas Cards

I want to send out Christmas cards this year. I didn't last year b/c I had too much going on around the time that cards needed to be sent out, but I am determined to this year. The thing is, I can't decide who to send them to (just family? family and select friends? everyone I've ever known?), and I also can't decide what to do with the cards. I have cards I bought last year on clearance after Christmas, but I feel like it would be lame to just sign our names, but I also don't want to write a note in every card.

With all of that being said, my questions to you, my dear readers, are these:

1. How do you decide to whom you'll send cards?
2. Do you just sign your cards? Or do you type up a family update type thing? Or do you send a photo card?

Please help me out by offering your best Christmas card advice!!

It's NEVER Too Late

Today has been rough; all week has been rough, actually. First came muscle pain and then came work-related stress, and today it all came together in a way that left me feeling drained, exhausted, and completely frustrated. So what did I do? I had a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's, a piece of pumpkin pie, and several other less-than-stellar foods. Around 9 p.m. this evening I was feeling totally dejected and gross, since I haven't worked out since Tuesday due to aforementioned muscle pain and stress, and I had just spent the day making poor food choices. But instead of heading back to the fridge for some more pie or some ice cream or whatever else happened to be tempting enough for me to eat (and right now it doesn't take much to tempt me!), I stayed away. I stopped myself from believing the lie that if I've failed once today the whole day is a failure.

I will not be a failure. I will not.

So I did a 20-minute cardio workout, and while it wasn't a lot and I've definitely pushed myself further at other times, it is what I needed today, right now, to remind myself that I am worth it. I am worth every minute spent bettering my body and saying no to wrong choices; I am worth every early morning workout and drop of sweat; I am worth every tear of frustration and victory; I am worth every pound and inch lost. I can do this; I am worth it.

It's never too late to begin. The only way to fail is not to try at all.

I'm grading again, so no blogging. I should just shut down the blog, but then that would really devastate the 5 people who actually read it. Decisions, decisions.

I will leave you with a little teaser for the next time I blog: I spent some quality time with over 100 wasps on Monday night. Story to follow...

What I Did Instead of Grade Papers

Sometimes...

Sometimes I fear I'll never reach my goal weight.
Sometimes I fear I will reach my goal but that I won't be satisfied.
Sometimes I think I'll never even reach my goal of 50 pounds.
Sometimes I think I'll reach my goal and MORE.
Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself for thinking I could ever be smaller.
Sometimes I remember I'm foolish for caring so much about what other people think of me and my weight loss.
Sometimes I feel discouraged because my weight loss has been so slowly achieved.
Sometimes I am glad it's taken me so long because the longer it takes, the longer I'm proving to myself that I can do this.
Sometimes I really need an extra push to work out.
Sometimes working out is all I want to do.
Sometimes all I want to do is eat whatever I want.
Sometimes all I want to do is say no to all that tempts me.
Sometimes I just want to quit.

But I ALWAYS know that in the midst of my doubts and uncertainties and ever-shifting emotions, my God is the same yesterday, today, and always, and His mercies are new every morning.

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

Real Posts Coming Soon

Maybe. But until then, amuse yourselves with this fabulous poem my friend Renee sent me:

Did I miss anything

P.S. I finished grading papers on Monday, but it seems all the grading has fried my creativity for the time being, hence the lack of posts.

Election Night Reminders

“I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth.” ~1 Timothy 2:1-4

"He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning." ~Daniel 2:21

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God." ~Romans 13:1

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 63:5-8

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. On CHRIST the Solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand."

Blogging Break

I've made myself a promise not to blog until I finish grading the stack of papers currently sitting ungraded, but let me just say that yesterday I (or my mom, actually) totally bought a pair of jeans from the MISSES section!! It was a great moment, my friends. Here's hoping there are more to come. :)

Here's to 27: The Best Year Yet!

I am 27 today, and I'm hopeful that it's going to be a great year. In the past 9 months I've lost 43 pounds and have developed a new sense of self, one that's full of confidence and faith and hope, and I can't wait to see what this next year holds! I plan on being in maintenance mode a year from now (hopefully by the summer, actually), so I'm hoping to see these milestones in my 27th year:

1. No more plus sizes! I will shop in a section that does not have a W or an X after the sizes!
2. BMI in the healthy to near-healthy range! I have a long way to go to reach this point, but I'm determined to get there.
3. Ability to walk 5 miles. I can do 3 miles comfortably right now, and I hope to build up to 5 miles.
4. Trimmed down waistline. I hope to be in a size 12 or 14, and that means I need to lose more inches! I have a thick waist, and the inches are really stubborn about coming off, so I am going to have to be realistic about this goal and re-evaluate it if needed.
5. No obsessive exercising. I want to maintain my current schedule of moderate exercise 4-5 days a week because I know that's what I'll realistically be able to handle. I don't want to get back into hour-long workouts 6-7 days a week, except on occasion! It's not realistic to expect to keep that up forever.
6. Finding ways to get "accidental exercise." I've been focusing on this idea recently, looking for small ways to get in exercise, like doing wall push ups in my office, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking in the back of the parking lot, etc., and I want to continue to do that until it becomes a natural part of my thought process.
7. Stay in calorie range for 6 days a week for 3 months. I have yet to do this, and I really need to, so I can prove to myself that I have the discipline I need to stick with healthy eating for a lifetime.
8. Reach Level 3 on 30 Day Shred. I just got this DVD over the weekend, and I did level 1 yesterday. It was TOUGH! I'd stayed away from it for a while because I had read so many reviews that said things like, "I thought I was in shape, but this DVD was really challenging," so the wimp in me decided I wouldn't go near it. However, because of my desire to see more inches lost and to really challenge myself and my body, I bought it. I had to take a break at one point because I felt dizzy, and it's only a 25-minute workout! But I know it's effective because it definitely got my heart rate up and kept it there (average of 159--79% of max), and my muscles are nice and sore today. I'm determined to keep at it until I can do all 3 levels without taking a break!

Even though I'm not losing weight or inches as fast as I would like, I'm making progress, and that's what matters. I am working on taking each day at a time, focusing on doing what I need to do for that day, and it's really helping. I get overwhelmed at times with how far I have to go, but I know this is not a sprint I'm in, but a lifelong marathon, and no matter how long it takes, I'm in it for good.

Glimpes of My Weekend-O'-Fun

Union was on fall break last Thursday and Friday, so Stephen and I headed up to southern Illinois to visit his parents. On Friday we went to a local park and had a great time, as evident in these pictures:



On Sunday night, I met up with my two best friends and former college roomies, Marya and Emily, and we had a dinner and spa night! It was also an early birthday celebration in my honor, as the day of my birth is Oct. 22. These girls are so precious to me, and I cherish the time we get to spend together! It was a perfect night!

The 40-Pound Human Leg

This list is posted on one of my SparkPeople teams, and it shows what a certain amount of pounds is equal to. I've lost the equivalent of a 5-gallon water bottle or an average human leg. I never would have guessed that a leg weighs 40 pounds (mine probably weighs a lot more). I'm also 1 pound away from an elephant's heart. I thought I'd post here in case anyone else is interested.

Stephen and I are heading to Illinois tomorrow to visit his parents, as we both are off Thursday and Friday due to fall break. Yippie! I hope everyone has a great week and weekend.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

Unscripted

--One of my students in class today, after I mentioned the facebook group I created for my students: "I love having a younger teacher who knows how things work. Some other profs just look at the computer and get stressed." HA.  

--One of my other students, on coming to class: "I love this class. I look forward to coming it to every week." (Bless her!)  

--One of my other students, commenting on another student's request that she be allowed to bring her son to class (I said no because no work would get done): "Well, maybe she could bring him on a day when we don't do anything important." Oh okay, so that would be never, then!  

--Finally, my favorite: "Mrs. Mount, do you know what grinding is? Like the dance style?"  

Oh, the things they say! And this was only one class.

Who Am I to Question?

The following is from the beginning of a SparkPeople article:

If we had friends that treated us the way that many of us treat ourselves, they wouldn’t be our friends for very long. Imagine a friend who calls up just to complain–about you. Or an alleged buddy who quickly says “I told you so” when you screw up. Or someone who encourages you to give up instead of encouraging you to do your best.

Why do we do this? Why do we treat ourselves in such horrible ways? For some, the negative self-talk is so bad that it would literally be considered verbal abuse if coming from another person. Do any of these sound familiar? “I’m not good enough.” “I knew I’d fail.” “I can’t believe I messed it up again.” “Why can’t I be more like (fill in the blank)?” “I don’t deserve to be happy.” If someone said these things to you, imagine the impact it would have on your confidence.

Those 2 paragraphs really resonated with me, and I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that we rarely subject others to the same level of abuse to which we subject ourselves. I am constantly saying things like, "I am so stupid" or "I can't believe I did that," or "What is wrong with me?" and yet I would never dream of talking to someone else like that! And I don't think this concept of self-hatred is just some kind of pop psychology; it has theological roots. If I am profoundly dissatisfied with myself, that dissatisfaction stems from distrust in God's perfect wisdom and design. His Word tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and He takes great delight in me and rejoices over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). Those are powerful words, friends! God rejoices over His children! He DELIGHTS in me. And I look at myself with contempt and loathing, questioning why God made me the way He did, as if I know better. How dare I question the Maker of heaven and earth, He who placed the stars in the sky, who causes the mountains to tremble?

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you deal with it?

Are You Happy Now?

I've found myself thinking quite a bit about how I will feel when I finally reach my goal weight. Of course I'll be elated, but a part of me is worried that even when I reach my goal, I won't be completely satisfied. I have lost 43 pounds, and yet I've only lost 2 pant sizes, so I'm concerned that losing 60 more pounds won't put me in a size 12 like I've been hoping. And I've had to ask myself, will I be okay with that? Last week is when I actually realized I'd only lost 2 sizes, and I have to admit that it's kind of been bothering me, as I feel like I should be a smaller size than I am right now. Discontentment about my size lessened the excitement I felt about reaching the 40 pound mark, and something tells me I don't have the right attitude if I can let a HUGE victory like losing 40 pounds fade away so quickly. Why am I always quick to focus on what is still lacking, what is not up to my standard, instead of thanking God for how far I've come? Why am I so quick to dwell on the negative instead of celebrating the positive? And my tendency toward pessimism isn't merely related to weight loss; it's an issue I've struggled with in many areas (anyone remember all of my blog entries stating that I was sure to fail out of grad school??).

Basically, I'm struggling with the realization that I've been relying on this weight loss to finally make me completely happy with myself. But the truth is, the day that I reach my goal weight will not be the end of my struggles with my body or my self-image. My senior year of high school, I lost about 60 pounds, and while it was amazing, I still hated a lot of things about my body, and I still constantly compared myself to everyone else and found myself lacking. Weight loss is not a panacea for all of my emotional insecurities. As much as I hate to confess, I have bought into the lie that appearance matters, that a clothing size matters, that a number on the scale matters. I tell myself the lie that if I can just reach that weight, everything will better. I tell myself the lie that losing this weight is the most important thing.

I must, I must, I MUST remember that I am ultimately doing this not to see a magical number appear on the scale (because let's face it, I'll probably just wish a smaller number were in its place), but that I'm doing this to be healthy. Health is not just about the body, either, but about the mind, heart, and soul. If my body is fit but my soul is not fixed on Jesus, what have I truly accomplished? I do not want to forget that God's priorities should be my priorities, and Scripture tells us that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Does God want me to take care of my body? Absolutely, for I am the steward of this earthly vessel, but does God want to me to obsess over my body and make exercise a god in my life? No, and I fear I am allowing that to happen.

Oh God, my heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek (Psalm 27:8)

From the Blog Archives: Oct. 4, 2005

I was curious to see what I had written on this date 3 years ago (I was using a different blog site, so you won't find it here), but there wasn't an entry for October 5, so I chose October 4 instead. It just so happens to be an entry I remember quite well:

When I was younger I used to love swings. My parents would take my brother and me to the park, and we would race each other to see who could get their legs highest first. I remember focusing hard on the sky above me, urging every fiber of my being to stretch, to grasp for that blue nothingness, as if by reaching I could somehow be among the stars I imagined were twinkling even when I couldn't see them. I loved the feel of the wind rushing against my face and tugging at my hair, filling me with energy and life, and I wanted to work harder and harder to keep that feeling there, to keep the air alive. When I was soaring through the blue I felt as though I were flying through time, and all my cares (what few I had then) dropped to the ground like so many raindrops on a stormy day. But eventually my leg muscles would tense up, the furious pumping of my legs would weaken, and I would find myself back on the ground where I started, breathless and empty, the stars millions of miles away.

Now that I'm older I don't swing anymore. I miss the breeze filling my lungs, the hair dancing around my face. I miss taking off from the ground, my feet free in space. I wonder if I tried to swing now, could I even leave the ground? I've been earth-bound far too long.

Does anyone else feel like swinging? I'll race you to the playground.

Successful September

I lost 8.4 pounds this month!! I have not lost that much in a month since my first month on SparkPeople. My total weight lost is now 43.8 pounds. Sometimes I still can't believe I've lost that much weight.

The funny thing is, I have NO idea what was different about this month. The only thing I can think of is the fact that I cut back my cardio from 6 days to 4 days so I could focus more on healthy eating. I was worried that cutting back to only 4 days would hurt me, but it looks like it's been very beneficial to me. I really have been paying more attention to the food choices I make, and when I do workout, I make each workout awesome. So I'm going to keep to my 4-day workout schedule while throwing in the occasional 5th day if I want to. I do miss working out every day, so if there are days when I want to workout but don't have it scheduled, I'll do it anyway.

I love having the freedom to experiment with my fitness plan, and I love how I am feeling about myself and my body. Now that I've lost almost 44 pounds (!), I truly believe I can make it to my goal. There is no turning back! I will not give up or give in! I just keep visualizing myself in the misses section of the clothing store, with my pick of clothes to wear. I cannot wait!

It's List Time!

1. Today I feel like a terrible teacher. I have a class that is a bit unruly, and it's been a challenge for me. I'm quite fond of having people like me, and so I feel very uncomfortable when I have to be stern in class because I worry about the students hating me. Stephen keeps reminding me that my job is to teach them, not be their friend, but it's really hard for me. Am I completely crazy?

2. I originally titled this "Fun with Bullets," but then realized I was numbering each item. Oops. I wonder how bullets got their name (I'm talking about the typographical symbol, not ammunition). Are the typed bullets called so because of their round shape? Because they're often used to make quick points, so it's like the speed of a bullet? (Yeah, probably not.)

3. iTunes 8 has a new feature called Genius, and it truly is genius. It works kind of like Pandora. You select a song in your library, click on the "Genius" icon, and then it searches your library for songs that complement the one you picked. I've tried it with a Fiona Apple song, a Jason Mraz song, a Bethany Dillon song, and a Natasha Bedingfield song, and I have LOVED each playlist iTunes generated! Definitely give it a try; I rediscovered a lot of songs this way.

4. I have received my first batch of papers. Guess what I'm doing this weekend?

5. There are four weeks until my birthday! In case you don't know, I LOVE celebrating my birthday. I love making a big deal out of it, and I always have. When I have kids, I am going to make a big deal out of their birthdays. Stephen couldn't care less about his birthday and doesn't like big deals made about him in general (I married such a humble guy), so I look forward to forcing my children to make big deals out of their days of birth.

6. Yesterday was National Punctuation Day. I feel that not realizing this is a personal failure on my part. To read one example of how one incorrectly used comma can cost millions of dollars, read this article.

7. My favorite punctuation is the semicolon; it's super.

8. Once again, alot is NOT a word! And your=possession (e.g., your coat), you're=you are (e.g., "you're silly). Why is that so hard for people to get??

9. Every time I see GG used to reference the CW show Gossip Girl, I want to hurl something at the computer. Everyone knows the original GG is Gilmore Girls, thank you very much! (And don't tell me the original GG is really Golden Girls. Let's be serious.)

10. I don't really have a tenth thing, but I can't end with an odd number, unless it's divisible by 5. Weird, huh?

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Okay, so my "shrinking" isn't "incredible" just yet, but I'm getting there! Here is a group of three pictures of me, taken at different times during my weight loss: on March 30, July 23, and Sept. 21. As of yesterday, I have lost 40 pounds. As you can see, I still have a LONG way to go, but I really love seeing how far I've come. (And yes, I know these are not terribly flattering pictures, but if I just wore baggy clothes, I wouldn't be able to see the difference as clearly.)



This weekend I bought a new pair of pants in a size I haven't worn in about four years! It's still a plus size, but it's definitely toward the low end. If I am this excited right now, I can't imagine how excited I will feel when I can shop in the misses' section! I am pretty certain there will be tears, and you can bet I will document the whole experience for all two of my readers. :)

Cutting Back

School started last week, and that meant adjusting to a new schedule. I was very spoiled with all of the free time I had this summer to work out. I worked out around an hour each day, 6days a week, for the whole summer, and I loved it. (I still can't believe that I love exercise!). Now I don't have nearly as much free time, and I have a very odd schedule, with 3 hour breaks in the middle of the day on some days, and back-to-back classes on others. Last week I really struggled with working out 6 times because if I didn't do it in the morning (which on MWF wasn't happening with 8 am classes), then I was so tired in the afternoon that it was all I could do to get in 30-45 minutes of exercise.

I've decided to try something different this week: I'm cutting back on exercise. I have been exercising for 6 days a week since I began this whole journey on Jan. 21, and maybe it's past time for me to step it back a little bit. I don't want exercise to be my whole life or become an obsession, so right now the plan is to go to 4 days a week, with 45-60 minute workouts each time. I know that realistically speaking I won't be able to maintain a 6-day workout schedule forever, so I need to work on more manageable workouts and focus more on my calories. I've allowed myself to be pretty lax with my eating in some ways because I know the calories I burn through exercise help make up for what I eat, but if I want to truly be healthy, I have to get control of my eating habits. I still eat out of boredom, still eat more than I should at times, and still prefer cookies to vegetables. BUT I have these moments of weakness with much less frequency than before, and a lot of times I find that I just can't let myself eat something if I know I'll regret it later. That's HUGE for me. When I think about all of the junk I ate while in college and in grad school, I just cringe. I don't want to go back to that habitual gluttony! I can't tell you how much just logging everything I eat every day helps me; if you are struggling with eating, definitely try logging everything that goes into your mouth. It really becomes a sort of accountability system! And if you join SparkPeople, you can track the amount of calories each item has. (Have I mentioned how much I love SparkPeople? Because it's amazing!)

Thus concludes my weight loss ramblings. :) (Oh, except to mention that I'm .8 pounds away from losing 40 pounds!!)

More Adventures in Extended Session

Stephen and I got to spend another wonderful time in extended session today (read about our previous experience here), and we had eleven children all to ourselves. (Imagine our excitement as kids kept streaming in. It was truly wondrous.) Then we found out that there is really no lesson for that day, so we could just find a craft for them to do or let them play for the whole time. Awesome. Being the structured control freak that I am, I had a panic attack in my head as this was being told to me, but I just smiled and ran to get the one thing I knew we could excite them with: snacks! We got through that relatively easily, and then fortunately the children's minister saw how many kids we had and realized we needed something for them to do, so she brought us a video that tells a short Bible story. Half of them were more engrossed in each other than the video ("Hey, can I wear your necklace?" or "Why can he have his car with him but I can't?"), but at least they were all sitting in one place. After the video, we gave them activity sheets to color, but some kids preferred sticking the crayons in their ears and noses to actually coloring. (One kid seriously insisted that coloring made his arms hurt.) It's scary to think that other children will be using those crayons. I guess we should have thrown them away or something? After coloring time, we took them to the room next door, which had all kinds of toys for them to play with, and they entertained themselves very well. One girl delighted in running around with fake tubes of ketchup and mustard and squirting them at Stephen, all while giggling profusely.

We had a little bit of time left before the church service ended, so I got them together for a game of "Simon Says," which is the only children's game I could think of (how sad is that?). I was Simon at first, but then I let the kids take over. Some of them didn't quite "get" the concept, though, because a few of them would say something like, "Simon says, jump up and down!" and then when everyone did so, he'd say, "Nope, Simon didn't say!" And he'd literally said "Simon says" 2 seconds prior. It was quite hilarious.

There were some really sweet kids in there, and a couple of them provided us with laughable moments (we didn't laugh at the time, but you can bet we did later). One boy, who is a complete sweetheart, was showing Stephen the different colors that he liked, declaring them "so pretty." When Stephen handed him a red crayon and asked him if he liked red, the boy said, "Red is not one of the beautiful colors."

There was another boy, I shall dub him Bobblehead, who had a tendency to bob his head from side to side. At one point Stephen overheard one of the girls ask him why he did that, to which he replied, "So my head doesn't fall off." Where on earth did he get that idea??

All in all, another entertaining and enjoyable experience (aside from the quick view of a bottom that Stephen got when he saw that one of the boys was using the restroom but had neglected to shut the door). :)

Remember

Today I had my students write about what they remember about September 11, 2001. Then I discovered that most of them were in sixth grade at the time. I was a sophomore in college! I now feel very old.

Where were you when it happened? And does anyone else remember what they were wearing that day? I do, and I find that kind of strange.

First Days

Ever since I first entered kindergarten, I have adored the first day of school.  Other children, my brother included, screamed and cried and clung to their mom's skirts, despairing at thought of having to enter that classroom, but me?  I happily waved to mom and skipped jauntily into the classroom, eager to conquer the kindergarten arena.  I loved seeing all of the desks neatly arranged, the cubby holes ready and waiting to be filled, the decorations on the walls beckoning me closer, and of course, the Play-Doh.  I was hooked.  Each year, the night before the first day of school would come, and I would hardly be able to sleep for the excitement of wondering who would be in my class, where I would sit, what we would learn, what my teacher would be like, and I almost always woke up before I needed to, so anxious was I to start a new school year.  
New school years are new beginnings.  The grades from last year have been replaced with a clean slate (except within my mind, where I still can recall getting my first B in math, in fifth grade no less), the petty fights with friends have been healed by the summer months, and the promises of new experiences, new friends, and new knowledge shimmer in the morning sunlight. 

Now that I am on the other side of the desk, the excitement is still there, but it manifests itself differently.  I look forward to getting all of my office supplies in order: checking to see which pens still glide smoothly over the page and which just scratch and must be discarded; organizing my many sizes of Post-its; filing away last year's handouts; making out the week's to do list and writing in special events on my calendar, etc. etc.  I look forward to meeting a new group of freshmen, welcoming them into the world of college.  I look forward to exposing them to new ideas and new experiences, and I hope that in the midst of all the writing, they will have some fun, too.  I arrive at school early, to prepare myself and to pray for the students I will meet, and the excitement I feel is accompanied by another feeling:  fear.  My stomach does somersaults on that first day, as I think about all the things that could go wrong (me, the eternal pessimist): finding typos in my syllabus or going to the wrong classroom or completely butchering a student's name (I've checked my rosters, and there are some names I have no hope of pronouncing correctly).  What if I sound like a complete idiot?  What if they recognize me for the impostor I often feel that I am?  What if they're all smarter than I am?  What if I completely botch the whole semester and my students learn nothing?

But when I am tempted to just crumble onto my desk, consumed by these fears, I remember the phrase that has comforted me countless times before: worrying robs me of my joy and God of His glory.  If I focus on all of the these petty insecurities, that means I am not focusing on the One who looks at me and sees His daughter, the one He has fearfully and wonderfully made.  If I dwell on these fears, I give them power, and the only One who truly has power holds the world within His hands and will not let me go.  I am reminded of the words of David in Psalm 27:1:  "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"  Of whom (or what!), indeed? 

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple."  Psalm 27:4

Lame Excitement

I am easily excited.  I think this is an excellent quality, but sometimes I suppose my excitement over things like school supplies just comes across as weird.  This year at school I have my own office.  My very own office space!  And my door even has one of those dry-erase boards on it, so people can write notes on it!  (I'm sure my students will all be stopping by just to write "What's up?" on my door.)  I shared an office last year, and while my office mate was great, it was sometimes difficult sharing a computer and phone and office space, especially if we both had students in the office at the same time (as I often did because I'm so incredibly popular.  Ha.).  So I was really excited to see my name on the door, by itself!  (The fact that I have a nameplate was at one point a source of extreme excitement in and of itself.)  

The downside to all of this is the fact that my office is now in the engineering department.  (My old office now belongs to the new English department chair, as it was the only office available in the department.)  I have nothing against engineering, but I don't really know any of the people, and it will be weird to be completely detached from the rest of the English department.  I also have no phone or computer right now, but I'm told that will be remedied.  All in all, I think I will enjoy having my own office, and who knows? Maybe I'll pick up some engineering knowledge and change career paths.  I'm sure engineering is much more lucrative. 

Summer Is Vanishing

Next week, it's back to reality. With the exception of July (during which I taught a class), I've had a very stress-free, relaxing summer, and I'm sad it's over. However, I realize that if this were any other fall semester, it would already be over, but Union's fall semester starts later this year because of the new housing that had to be built after the tornado (14 new buildings in about 6 months! Amazing!). And of course, there's also the fact that most people who are beyond college age don't even have summers, so I should just count my blessings.

While I only managed to read one book on my original summer book list, I have read some books, mostly during July and August. Most of them, however, weren't exactly "literary" in the snobbiest sense of the word, but I think my brain just needed a break. In case you're curious, here's the list:

1. The Complete Fairy Tales by George MacDonald. The one book on my original list, and I liked it overall. I will admit that I skimmed some of the tales near the end, as I found them more dense and less entertaining than some of his earlier works. Still, I found his stories to be original and thought-provoking and would recommend them.
2. Dedication by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus. I read this book based solely on my love of The Nanny Diaries, their first collaborative effort, but am going to give up on them after disliking this one and the one before it, Citizen Girl. I don't know quite how to explain my dislike, except that it seemed far too indulgent.
3. Summer by Karen Kingsbury. I love Karen Kingsbury's books, although they can seem in many ways to be too sugary and too easily resolved. Still, she does deal with some complicated issues, and she's an author I know I can rely on for enjoyable Christian fiction (a genre that I often hold at a lower standard than other types of literature, sadly enough).
4. Shopaholic and Baby by Sophie Kinsella. The Shopaholic books are my ultimate guilty pleasure, and this one did not disappoint. I love it when a book can cause me to both laugh hysterically and also become a bit teary-eyed.
5. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella. This book isn't part of the Shopaholic series, and I don't think I liked it as much as I've enjoyed those, but it was still a fun read.
6. Savannah by the Sea by Denise Hildreth. Another Christian fiction/chic lit book, it was very enjoyable. I read the first book, Savannah from Savannah, a few years ago and found it to be charming, and this one was also.
7. Mercy by Jodi Picoult. It actually took me a few minutes to remember what this one is about. I've read almost all of Picoult's novels and enjoy them because of Picoult's handling of messy and fascinating subjects. This particular novel addressed the idea of mercy killing, with interesting results.
8. A Mile in My Flip-Flops by Melody Carlson. More Christian chic lit. I picked it up because the protagonist decides to flip a house, knowing nothing about it but what she's seen on HGTV. I had a love affair with HGTV myself (before we cancelled expanded cable, alas), so I was intrigued by the concept. It was pretty entertaining, but I didn't love the way the romance played out. There wasn't enough character development for it be believable.
9. Bookends by Liz Curtis Higgs. The title of this book is what got me, and while it was decent enough, overall I thought it was just okay. It had its charming bits, though, despite being terribly predictable.
10. House by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. Stephen has been on quite the Ted Dekker kick (he writes Christian thrillers that often have a strong supernatural element), and so I picked this up at the library because it sounded interesting. It was quite riveting; I read it all in one night, I think, and then I had trouble going to sleep because it freaked me out. My imagination is far too vivid.
11. Adam by Ted Dekker. I read this at Stephen's recommendation and found it to be gripping and well-written but also disturbing. It read kind of like a very long episode of Criminal Minds, in a way, which I like, but I guess I can stomach serial killers portrayed visually better than I can in print because it too left me unsettled, after which time I decided to leave the reading of Ted Dekker to my husband. :)
12. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery. Ah, Anne. What bettter way to rid my mind of disturbing serial killers than to read of dimpled elbows and kindred spirits and the Lake of Shining Waters? I adored these books when I was younger, and filling out the book survey inspired me to reread all of them. I found things about the books to be somewhat more annoying this time around (like having things told secondhand through Anne or someone else instead of actually writing out the events/dialogues themselves), but I still think they're completely charming and hope I have a daughter I can share them with.
13. Anne of Avonlea.
14. Anne of the Island.
15. Anne of Windy Poplars.
16. Hold Tight by Harlan Coben. I think I read this in between two of the Anne books, to take a break, and I really enjoyed it. Through a fictional story that has several different subplots, it asks the question, how much privacy is too much privacy between parents and their children? Is it ever okay to violate that privacy for the sake of protecting the child?
17. The Novelist by Angela Hunt. Another Christian fiction pick, but one that I thought used an interesting narrative device (a frame narrative, so to speak). I liked it.
18. Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict by Laurie Viera Rigler. The author of this book is coming to Jackson to speak this fall, so I thought I should read it, having heard it makes for good "brain candy." And it does. If you like Jane Austen's works, this book might be of interest to you. It's about a girl in the 21st century who wakes up one day to find herself in Jane Austen's time. It provides a less "rosy" view of the time period than many people think of, making mention of chamber pots and body odor and bad teeth, and while I didn't love the way it ended (it seemed a bit abrupt), I liked it overall.

So that's my list. Considering the fact that I read more than half of them in August alone, I think that's pretty good, but it could have been much better had my brain felt like reading earlier in the summer. I'm currently reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt, which I've been meaning to read for years and am now getting around to. It's too soon to pronounce a verdict on it just yet.

What Will You Do with the Time That's Left?

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I have friends who have made lists, and then Stephen and I just watched Bucket List last weekend, so it's time. Here is my own list of things I want to do before I die.

1. Own a home.
2. Have at least one child.
3. Lose 100 pounds (63 to go!).
4. Visit all 7 continents (I've been to Africa, Europe, Asia, and of course, North America, so all that's left are Australia, South America, and Antarctica).
5. Visit Italy and ride in a gondola and see the Trevi Fountain and St. Peter's Basilica (among other things).
6. Ride in a hot-air balloon.
7. Go sky-diving.
8. Visit all 50 states.
9. Sew an item of clothing. (Or at least learn to sew on a button. How sad is it that I can't do that?)
10. Take a picture of the perfect sunset.
11. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise.
12. Sleep under the stars on the beach.
13. Go to SeaWorld.
14. See a whale in the wild.
15. Ride a camel in Egypt.
16. Kiss in the rain.
17. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
18. Surprise a stranger with $100.
19. Lie in a hammock on an island beach.
20. Run a 5k. (Hey, I have to start small.)
22. Walk 15 miles in one day.
23. Learn all the correct swimming strokes.
24. Make a quilt.
25. Go to New York City during Christmastime.
26. Kiss underneath mistletoe.
27. Write a novel.
28. Read 100 books in a year.
29. Take Stephen to a World Series game.
30. Throw a fancy dinner party (thanks for the idea, Renee!)
31. Stay in a cozy mountain cabin with Stephen for a week (preferably in the fall or winter).
32. Go sailing in an ocean.
33. Catch a fish.
34. Write a children's book.
35. Teach my nephew and my future children about Jesus.
36. See 5 people come to know the Lord.
37. Cook a meal without measuring anything.
38. Find the perfect red dress.
39. See a Broadway show.
40. Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef.
41. Teach all the world that "a lot" is two words!

Okay, so the last one is kind of a joke, but seriously people, if you read this blog and learn nothing else from me, learn that one thing: "alot" is NOT a word!

It looks like I'm going to need a good amount of money to accomplish the things on this list. Or a lot of frequent flyer miles. :) Stephen, we need to start saving now!

What's on your list?

Physical, Schmysical

I don't have diabetes! My blood sugar is completely in the normal range, as is my blood pressure. (My weight isn't, but I'm pretty sure I knew that anyway, haha. Otherwise, why would I be working out like a fiend?) And the doctor's scale says I'm 6 pounds heavier than my home scale! Boooo! I'm just going to ignore that, though, because it probably hasn't been calibrated in who knows when (it's not digital) and mine is the scale I have access to, PLUS, even if I am a little heavier than I thought, that doesn't change the fact that I've lost 35 pounds (almost 36!)! He said by losing weight I'm doing the best thing I can to prevent diabetes and that losing just 10% of your weight improves the odds a lot, and I've lost almost 15%! I'm going back tomorrow morning for a lipid screen (or whatever it's called) to get my cholesterol checked. I'm not too worried about that, though. So all in all, it was no big deal. He just kind of poked and prodded a bit and asked me some questions, they checked my blood sugar (and only because I asked to be tested), and that was it. I'm wondering if I just had some misconceptions about what a physical entails, or if this doctor just isn't as thorough. Hmm..

Anyway, all that to say a big THANK YOU to my sweet bloggy friends for all of the kind words and prayers and general encouragement. You're fabulous! Anyway, all that to say a big THANK YOU to my sweet bloggy friends for all of the kind words and prayers and general encouragement. You're fabulous!

Fear Not

Tomorrow I'm getting a physical, and I'm not gonna lie: I'm scared. And honestly, I wouldn't even be getting one if my husband hadn't scheduled the appointment for me. I know it will be good for me to see exactly where I am and how my body is doing, but part of me doesn't want to know. I am afraid the doctor will tell me that I have a list a mile long of things that are wrong with me, and I just don't know how I'll deal with that. I know it's useless to worry and there's nothing I can do right now, but I'm worried anyway. I'm especially worried that I have diabetes because it runs on both sides of my family, and it's really amazing that I haven't gotten it yet because of the lifestyle I was living before January of this year. I'm hoping that all of the hard work I've put in this year will show itself at the physical, but what if it doesn't? What if I have high blood pressure and diabetes and high cholesterol and who knows what else? What if all the exercise I've done has been in vain? Part of me knows that I'm just being ridiculous, and another part of me just wants to get it over with and know one way or the other. If you think about it, say a prayer for me. My appointment is Thursday at 1:30. I really really hope I don't get any bad news.

To combat this fear, or any fear, there's only one solution: God's Word. I shouldn't fear some silly physical or anything else; God is not wringing His hands and worrying about tomorrow or anything else, so why should I, when my life is in His more than capable hands? I need to have the fear of the Lord! So I looked up several verses and will post them here, in case someone reading this needs to be reminded that God is in control, and HE has the power!

Psalm 27:1: The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 34:4: I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 145:18-19: The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

Isaiah 41:10, 13: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Matthew 6:25, 34: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Romans 8:14-15: ...because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Can You Do 100 Push Ups?

I sure can't! But I am going to be able to after I complete the 100 Hundred Push Ups Challenge. After beginning the initial test doing the "real" push ups and collapsing after just three, I decided that I would have to go for the alternative, aka "girly" push ups, for the time being. I was able to do 16 "good form" girly push ups, which put me in the second column (see the chart for week 1). I completed the first week on Saturday, and while the first two days were relatively simple, the third day was TOUGH! I can't wait to be stronger so I can really tackle them, especially after my husband did 100 pushups yesterday with just a little difficulty!

Week 1
Day 1 (Monday, Aug. 11): 10, 10, 8, 6, 9
Day 2 (Wednesday, Aug. 13): 12, 12, 10, 10, 13
Day 3 (Saturday, Aug. 16): 15, 13, 10, 10, 17

Week 2
Day 4 (Monday, Aug. 19):
Day 5 (Wednesday, Aug. 21):
Day 6 (Friday, Aug. 23):

I've looked over the whole program, and I'm thinking it's pretty likely that I'll have to repeat some weeks, which is fine. I'm not in a rush; I just want to be able to do 100 eventually. Then it's my hope to restart the challenge doing the "real" push ups. Then I can take on my husband! Yeah! :)

Now, the real question is: who wants to join me?? (Visit Kat's blog to see some others who have undertaken the challenge. And really, you should just read her blog anyway. It's great!)

A Little Booky Goodness

I was tagged by Heather.

1. Hardback or trade paperback or mass market paperback? I prefer paperbacks, both because they're cheap and because they're more flexible, which makes for easier reading.

2. Amazon or brick and mortar? I love browsing bookstores, but I've probably bought most of my books online, mainly through half.com.

3. Barnes & Noble or Borders? Oooooh, Borders, how I miss thee! Knoxville had a Borders and a Barnes & Noble, and it was so fabulous, but then I moved to Jackson and all we have is a lowsy Books-a-Million, which I loathe, and a Waldenbooks, which is sorely lacking in selection.

4. Bookmark or dogear? Um, not sure if this is wise to admit or not, but I will dogear books if they come from the library, but if it's a book I own or have borrowed from someone I know, I find a bookmark. Hehe.

5. Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random? Very random, although I'm currently trying to decide how I'd like to arrange them. I'm considering alphabetizing by title or grouping according to subject. Any suggestions?


6. Keep, throw away, or sell? Throw away?? Are you kidding? I'm pretty sure it's a sin to throw away books, unless they are completely falling apart and can't be read any longer. I keep books, but I also will sell ones that I don't think I'll want to read again.

7. Keep dustjacket or toss it? Ugh, dustjackets are obnoxious. I always take them off while reading a book and then replace them later. I don't have it in my to throw them away, however.

8. Read with dustjacket or remove it? See #7

9. Short story or novel? Novels, although I do enjoy short stories as well. Duh.

10. Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)? I love anthologies because there is so much variety. I tend to gravitate towards those more so than collections.

11. Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket? Harry Potter, no contest. It doesn't even matter that I haven't read Lemony Snicket.

12. Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Typically chapter breaks.

13. “It was a dark and stormy night” or “Once upon a time”? Definitely "it was a dark and stormy night," but there's nothing wrong with a nice, twisted fairy tale.

14. Buy or Borrow? I don't usually borrow many books from friends, but I have no problem borrowing from the library (and then forgetting to return them). I do buy books, but not nearly as much as I used to.

15. New or used? Used if I can get it. I'm all about cheap.

16. Buying choice: book reviews, recommendation or browse? Book reviews? Blah. I go on recommendations a lot, or just browse the shelves.

17. Tidy ending or cliffhanger? A little of both, perhaps: I don't want it to be so neat and tidy that there's no room left for imagination, but I don't want it to be completely open-ended. Some resolution (or denouement, to use of my favorite words) is needed.

18. Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading? I read most often in the late afternoon and evening.

19. Stand-alone or series? Stand-alone books, although I love a good series. I just hate waiting for the next one to come out, if it's a series still being written.

20. Favorite series? Hmm, this is tough. Harry Potter, probably. Oh, or the Anne books. Yes, the Anne books, I think.

21. Favorite children’s book? Ooooh, this is tough, too! I love The Velveteen Rabbit, Where the Wild Things Are, The Giving Tree. For chapter books, I loved reading all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary, and the Anastasia series by Lois Lowry, along with Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High, and the Baby-sitters Club. (There were a LOT of Baby-sitters Club books, and I owned almost all of them at one point, including the "super specials". That's pretty crazy. And oh my word, I just looked up the series, and there were some super specials that I definitely missed! And according to Wikipedia, Ann M. Martin didn't write all of the books! I'm completely thunderstruck.)

22. Favorite book of which nobody else has heard? Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss. Has anyone read this book? I highly recommend it.

23. Favorite books read last year? I wish I could remember what I read last year...oh, The Kite Runner! I'm sure there are others, but I just can't think of them. I need to keep better records.

24. Favorite books of all time? Pride and Prejudice (Austen), Jane Eyre (C. Bronte), Little Women (Alcott), Mere Christianity (Lewis), Redeeming Love (Rivers), The Eyre Affair (Fforde), Troilus and Criseyde (Chaucer), David Copperfield (Dickens), My Antonia (Cather), Invisible Man (Ellison), Lord of the Rings (Tolkien), the Harry Potter series (Rowling), the Anne and Emily series (Montgomery).

25. Least favorite book you finished last year? Hmm, I distinctly remember strongly disliking Sula by Toni Morrison. I just couldn't stand the main character, and it's difficult to like a book when you don't like the main character at least a little bit.

26. What are you reading right now? Anne of Green Gables. It's lovely to read again. I used to read several books at once, but lately I've just been loyal to one a time, and I find it much less stressful that way, haha.

27. What is your secret guilty pleasure book(s)? Hmm, perhaps the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella. They're "fluff," but they're hysterical fluff. I read them when I just need something fun. I also read a lot of Karen Kingsbury's books.

28. What book have you always wanted to read but not had time to? Anna Karennina

29. What book do you hate the most that you've read all the way through? The Color Purple. Or Wuthering Heights. I know, I know, they're classics, yada yada...

30. What are you reading next? Anne of Avonlea, probably. I'm also thinking about rereading The Time Traveler's Wife and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (to prepare for the movie).


If you made it all the way through this, congratulations! Feel free to fill it out if you want. (Lauren and Stef, I'd love it if you gals did!)

Sometimes a plus is a negative

I've now lost 35 pounds! I'm so excited! And while that is a lot of weight, I still have 65 pounds to go. The thought of losing 65 more pounds can be daunting at times, so I thought I'd discuss what the most exciting part of losing all this weight will be: Buying clothes that are NOT in the plus size department. The day that I can walk into a store and shop in the misses' department will be a glorious day (and you can bet I will cry and then blog about it later). Those of you who have never been a "plus size" (and who came up with that terminology??), this is a huge deal because for every 3 items of misses' clothing in a store, there is maybe 1 plus-sized item. Sometimes I still get so mad when I go into a store like Target or Kohl's and see the wide expanse of clothes for women sized 0-18 and then see the itty bitty corner of the store devoted to women who require a larger size. And in that itty bitty corner of the store, there is even less likelihood that what is there will be at all appealing, as apparently many fashion designers think that people who are overweight only want to wear polyester pant suits, denim with elastic waistbands, and broomstick skirts. Oh, and if it is cute, it probably costs $50 or more. I realize that clothes can be expensive no matter the size, but it's much harder to find cute, affordable clothing in my size than in the size I hope to eventually be. When I reach my goal weight, I will have so many more options!

An added bonus of this is that I will no longer feel so embarrassed to go shopping with friends. I have always hated shopping with other people, except for my mom, because I hate that I have to go to a completely different section of the store, while all my cute smaller friends are hanging out together and trying on the same shirt (which of course doesn't come in my size). So instead of calling attention to the fact that I am "plus-sized," I just don't look for any clothes and instead help my friends find what they want. And while that can be fun, it can also be terribly depressing, so I am SO ready for the day when I can go shopping with a friend and we can look at the same clothes!

I think what's interesting about all of this is that you'd think the dearth of cute clothing in larger sizes would have motivated me to lose weight sooner, but instead I would just go home and cry and eat ice cream. Sad, sad, sad! I'm so thankful that I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to DO something. I could cry all I want, but is that going to change anything? NO! I have to decide to change, and then I have to act on that decision. So I'm going to keep going until I am where I want to be, and I can walk proudly into a store and kiss that itty bitty corner goodbye!

What's Weighing Me Down

1. Sometimes this whole weight loss thing is really hard, and I want to eat everything in sight. Saturday was one of those days, but I'm not going to allow myself to be crippled by guilt. Each day is a new day, and God's mercies are new every morning.

2. I'm afraid I won't reach my goal, or if I do, I'm afraid of gaining it all back. Not succeeding or not maintaining my weight are my two biggest fears. I have had this goal in my head for so long now (although 6 months isn't too long in the grand scheme of things, I suppose) that not reaching it would be a huge disappointment. There's also the fact that so many people know I'm trying to lose all this weight, so if I don't, will they just see me as a failure? But then if they do, why should I care? I'm not doing this for them.

3. I care entirely too much about what other people think. It's one of my biggest flaws, something I have battled my whole life and will probably battle for the rest of my life, but I'm so thankful that I have Stephen around to tell me when I'm being ridiculous.

4. I wish I could run long distances, or at least be able to run a mile, but something is holding me back from even putting in a concerted effort to improve at running. I think I've just told myself for so long that I'm not a runner that I have convinced myself of that truth. And as of right now, I'm not a runner, but is that because I can't be one or because I just haven't tried hard enough?

5. Occasionally I try to imagine myself as 100 pounds lighter, but I have no idea what that even looks like. I haven't been what I would consider thin ever in my life, and even when I reach my 100 pound goal, I will probably have more to lose, as that's at the high end of the healthy range for my size. Will I ever know skinny? And if I never do, will I be okay with that?

6. Sometimes I just want to quit. I'm going to have to think about my weight for the rest of my life, and the thought of that exhausts me. But you know what? I have thought about my weight for my whole life thus far, and most of those thoughts led nowhere. Now, however, those thoughts are becoming actions that are changing who I am, and if I keep that up, thinking about my weight won't be a source of depression but a source of hope.

7. I worry that I won't always have the drive to exercise like I do now. Sometimes I wake up with such determination that there is nothing to do BUT exercise. I am resolved and confident that I will succeed, and on those days, workouts are victorious, sweaty moments. On the days when I wake up and want to quit, those workouts are just sweaty, but they're workouts nevertheless.

8. I'm afraid I don't challenge myself enough. I don't want to take the easy route with my workouts, just doing the same things over and over because I know them and know I can do them. I want to explore new things and discover new heights that I can reach. Sometimes I push myself as far as I think I can go. Sometimes I wimp out and just do enough to get by. I don't want to live a life where I just get by; I want to thrive, to run the race set before me with perseverance and hope.

9. I compare my weight loss success to that of others and usually wonder how they're losing faster than I am. In my distorted view of reality, everyone works out more, eats less, burns more calories, and loses more weight than I do. Of course this can't be true, but logic was never my strong point.

10. I worry that I'll pass on my problems with my weight to my kids. I really really pray that my children have Stephen's body type and metabolism and not mine. And I really really hope I can be a good example for them and not a stumbling block.

This is a lot to carry on my shoulders every day. But fortunately for me, I don't have to carry it:
Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

And none of these things matter anyway:

Matthew 6:33-34: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Things that Make Me Smile

I previously wrote about things that make me uncomfortable, but this is much more fun to think about!
1. Stephen. I love love love that man! Just seeing him smile makes me smile.


2. Flowers! Especially flowers that are for me, and daisies and lilies in particular.


3. Bailey. Even though she was Stephen's dog first, she's my baby too. She's quirky and has her flaws, but there's no other dog like her. I love how excited she is to see us when we come home, even if we were only gone for a few minutes.


4. Girl talk. I'm very much a one-on-one kind of person, so when I can get together with just one or two of my dear friends, I am thrilled. I love being in their company, and I love knowing I can be myself without fearing rejection.


5. School supplies. I know it's silly, but I don't care; school supplies make me absolutely giddy. I love looking at them, love buying them, love using them. Post-its and colored gel pens=perfection.

6. Target. I'm not sure if this is sillier than school supplies or not, but I love walking around Target. I recall many an hour spent just roaming the aisles, imagining what I would do with this item or that item, and I must always look at everything in the One Spot when visiting. Even if it's junk most of the time, treasure can be found, like The Office-themed post-its and notepad I found once, or the Napoleon Dynamite pens. You just never know what a trip to Target holds.

7. Books and bookshelves. Seeing a bookshelf filled with books is such a lovely sight. Oh, and the smell of new books is absolutely aroma for the soul.


8. Babies and small children. While I don't always love being around hordes of small ones, I do love watching them interact with people. There are few things as precious as a smile or laugh from a young soul.

9. Singing. I have loved singing ever since I was little, and I hope I can always sing in some capacity. I just recently joined the choir at church after putting it off for months because of nerves, and I'm so glad I joined. Hearing voices swell around me, joining in harmony, soothes and comforts me, and worship through song is very special to me.

10. Gilmore Girls. (Okay, you knew I was going there, right? If you've read my blog for a while, you did.) I can't talk about things that make me smile without mentioning this beloved show (which had a dismally subpar final season, I'm afraid). No show has captured my heart like that one, and I doubt another one ever will, although The Office might come close. I know the episodes backwards and forwards, and I don't think I'll ever tire of watching my favorites. If only there were still "fresh" episodes...
I think this list is a pretty good start. Perhaps I shall add to it weekly. What makes you smile?

Home Sweet Home

I'm almost afraid to type this because as soon as I do, something will turn up, but we are DONE unpacking! I think that's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself (which I have, a couple of times). I would like to do some minor rearranging in some of the closets, but everything has a place, and that is SUCH a good feeling!

Now, for some pictures. Let me just say that our bedrooms are SMALL, but the living room more than makes up for it. Our other living room was the size of a postage stamp, and we could barely fit all of our furniture in it, but not anymore. Since that's where we spend most of our time, we're happy with it.

The living room:



The bookshelf my fabulous husband assembled:



The guest bedroom:





And guest bathroom:



Our bedroom (crammed rather tightly, but it works):





The kitchen (part of it anyway):



The dining room:



I think that's pretty much it. The bathrooms have awesome counter space, and the apartment has SEVEN closets total. How amazing is that??? All in all, I think we've got it pretty good. :)

Summer=Sweating

I've got to write on this thing more, but for now, some fun numbered goodness shall suffice.

1. We're moving to a different apartment (in the same complex) tomorrow. We have a townhouse right now, and we HATE having 2 stories and the A/C flow upstairs is wretched, so we're switching to a 2 bed/2 bath unit, which is an upgrade in that we get 2 full baths (we have 1.5 right now), a much larger living room, and more overall square footage. It's a slight downgrade in that the bedrooms are smaller, as is the kitchen, but since we spend most of our time in the living room, we're willing to make that trade.

2. Moving and packing burns lots of calories! I used my heart rate monitor this morning just to see how many calories I could burn while transfering things to the new place, and in 34 minutes I burned 400 calories! Heck yes! Unfortunately, since I sweat at the drop of a hat, I also had to pause so I could wring the sweat out of my hair. Kidding. Well, sort of.

3. I guess there was no reason for me to do "real" exercise this morning, but I had fun doing my dance DVD. I'm glad no one sees me doing them, though, because I'm sure I look completely ridiculous.

4. Despite 6 months of dance DVDs, I still lack skills. It seems that even when I am skinnier, I will never appear in a music video. Rats.

5. We have a lot of stuff. We just got rid of quite a bit at the community yard sale, but honestly, where did all of this stuff come from? And how do we make it go away?

6. I am rather sentimental when it comes to possessions, but even I have been tossing things left and right. Hopefully I won't toss anything important, like our marriage license. (Don't worry, that's in a frame.)

7. I've lost 32.6 pounds now. I really think I'm going to make it to 40 by Sept. 8. If I don't, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

8. I'm through feeling guilty about how I treated my body in the past, and I'm through comparing myself to others (more on these later).

9. I love having a heart rate monitor. If you're trying to lose weight, it really is a must-have item.

10. Apparently, I'm not much of a hiker. I went to Nashville on Monday to see Diana, my dearest friend from grad school, and we decided to go on a 2.5 mile hike on Tuesday morning. I was excited because it would be something different from my normal workouts, and I didn't think 2.5 miles would be a problem since I've walked that several times. Turns out walking in an air-conditioned room on a treadmill isn't quite like hiking uphill in 82+ degree weather and 1000% humidity. Eventually, we had to stop because I started getting spots in front of my eyes and feeling like I was going to pass out. I was really disappointed we didn't finish, but we still got in about 1.25 miles and 30 minutes of decent exercise. I was so hoping to report back and say I finished that trail, though.

We won't have internet this weekend, and we're uprooting all of our belongings, so the blogging? Non-existent. I hope everyone else has a great weekend!