I've Moved!

In case you've found your way here, you should know that I'm now joint blogging with my husband. Thursday Thirteeneers, you can find my lists there, so come visit!

The Big Reveal

Here is the moment you've all been anxiously awaiting. I've mentioned something big that will impact the future of this blog forever. I'm bidding adieu to musings. My time henceforth will be devoted to a different endeavor, that being, MY NEW BLOG, stephenanderin.blogspot.com. As the title would suggest, Stephen and I will be jointly blogging in order to provide you, the reader, with a more consistently updated and well-rounded blog. Blogging will commence at stephenanderin.blogspot.com on Sunday, September 9th. So, join us there, or renounce your relevance.

Thursday Thirteen #3

Thirteen Things about Erin 13 Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again 1. You've Got Mail 2. The Princess Bride 3. About a Boy 4. Pride and Prejudice (A&E version) 5. The Sound of Music 6. Singin' in the Rain 7. Shawshank Redemption 8. Sense and Sensibility 9. Hitch 10. Sleepless in Seattle 11. Elf 12. Little Women 13. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (a lot of people dislike the third film, but it's one of my favorites) Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Amy 2. Tanabata 3. Samulli 4. Denise Patrick 5. Leslie 6. What Works for Mom 7. Miss Meliss 8. Robin 9. Kelly 10. Sonya 11. Frigga

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Coming Soon...

This Friday, an announcement is coming that will change this blog forever. Stay tuned.

The Extravagant Life

Press secretary Tony Snow is joining the ranks of those who are resigning from their White House jobs. Snow has been battling cancer, but according to Fox News, that's not the reason for his resignation. According to the Fox News article, "Instead, the father of three said he needs to make more than his salary of $168,000. He can earn far more money on the speechmaking circuit." Um, what???

This is just further proof that people feel they can never have enough money. They acquire more, and they spend more. Apparently, today the American dream means living beyond your means, subsidizing your lifestyle with credit if need be. If Tony Snow wants to make more money elsewhere, that's fine. Just don't expect much sympathy from me.

One Day Down...

The first day of class has come and gone. I survived. I'm really curious to see how my classes shape up. Today everyone seemed to be at least mildly interested in what I was saying (or at least pretending to be so), so that's a plus.

I am worried about how I'll manage five classes, but I think it will only be terrible when I have 95 papers waiting to be graded (that will happen 4 times this semester). I don't like to think about all those papers too much. :)

I ended each of my classes in prayer, which was so nice, as that's a privilege I didn't have at UT. I really hope I can connect with my students and help them become better writers. I don't want my class to just be one the students just cross off their list of requirements; I want them to leave my class feeling more confident in who they are as writers and as Christians living in the world. I am honored to be at a university that cares about developing a Christian worldview, and I hope I can rise to the challenge.

EDIT: I can't believe it's been two years.

Maps in "the Iraq"

Why can't 1/5 of Americans locate the U.S. on a world map? According to Miss Teen South Carolina, it's because they don't have maps. Watch the video, and note her use of "the Iraq" as a phrase. At least she didn't win.

From the Blog Archives

You've had control of me too long. It's time for you to leave. I'm through with the negativity, the lies, the constant assaults. I'm through feeling like I'm worthless, through feeling sorry for myself, through believing that I'm a failure. I can't keep waking up every morning wish I hadn't. I can't keep questioning every move I make, wondering if it's the right one. I can't keep looking in the mirror and hating the reflection I see. I can't keep doubting my faith, doubting myself, doubting God. That's just what you want me to do. You taunt me and tempt me, whispering seductive lies and distracting me with my own insufficiency.

But no more. The power you had over me is gone. I will not bow down. I will not yield. I am a daughter of the Most High God, and He bought me with the blood of His Son. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and it is for freedom that I have been set free. So I stand firm. I will not be burdened again by the yoke of slavery, of sin. I demolish all arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the word of God. I take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. I cast my cares on the LORD, for He cares for me. He LOVES me, desires me, calls to me to come out of the darkness and into the light. He showers upon me blessing upon blessing, mercies that are new every morning, grace that can't be measured. He is from all things, in all things, and by Him all things were created. My flesh and my heart may fail, my life may dwindle to a vapor, but God is the strenth of my heart and my portion forever. He is my light and my salvation, so I will fear you no more, for there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. Through Him I have in my possession the very power He used to raise Christ from the dead. Through Him I have the victory. Through Him you are defeated.

Get behind me, satan. You are welcome here no longer.

Straws: A Tribute

Straws and I go way back. I remember the first "fun" straw I got, probably as part of a Happy Meal, that had a bunch of loops in it, and I loved drinking Kool-Aid with it. I would slowly suck the colorful liquid, watching it make its ascent up the loops, fascinated by the simple science. Drinking with a straw made the beverages taste better and last longer (at least it seemed that way), and using a straw was much more entertaining than merely using my lips (and I could blow bubbles in my sodas). The delight I found in getting the liquid halfway up the straw and then lifting the straw out of the glass, liquid frozen in space, stays with me to this day.

I don't have any "fun" straws anymore; now mine are of the basic grocery store variety, but I still insist on buying the straws that are fun colors instead of the ones that are just blue and white striped. Stephen is baffled by my affection for straws, and it saddens me that he does not use them. (I must content myself with blowing the paper wrapper at him. He doesn't much care for that, either.) I tried to explain the wonder of straws to him, even insisted upon their utility (many a straw has saved me from having the ice at the bottom of the glass come rushing to the top, thus preventing liquid from splashing onto my face), but to no avail. All couples have their disagreements, and I suppose if this is ours, we have it pretty good. :)

What is one object you use on a regular basis that you couldn't go without?

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Words I Love 1. Effervescent 2. Superfluous 3. Epiphany 4. Facetious 5. Imbroglio 6. Cupidity 7. Atavistic 8. Felicitous 9. Insipid 10. Fabulous 11. Melancholy 12. Sanguine 13. Vacillate Links to other Thursday Thirteens! (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) 1. Mama Archer 2. Denise Patrick 3. Ally Bean 4. Lazy Daisy 5. Cindy 6. WhatWorksforMom 7. Robin 8. The Gal Herself 9. L^2 10. Malcolm 11. Splash 12. Elisa

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

What are some of your favorite words? (You don't have to be a Thursday Thirteen participant to comment!)

Back to the Bulldogs

Next Wednesday I start teaching at the college where I was a student not too long ago. It's going to be weird.

I can't wait.

Song Showcase: Heavenly Day

I adore this song by Patty Griffin. First, if you're not familiar with Patty Griffin, she's an amazing talent, and her voice both soothes and challenges. The song I've picked, "Heavenly Day," is one of my favorites because her voice is so subtly powerful and the lyrics are romantic and lovely. Enjoy:

Oh heavenly day, all the clouds blew away
Got no trouble today with anyone
The smile on your face I live only to see
It's enough for me, baby, it's enough for me
Oh, heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
Here's a little time we can borrow
Forget all our troubles in these moments so few
All we've got right now, the only thing that
All we really have to do
Is have ourselves a heavenly day
Lay here and watch the trees sway
Oh, can't see no other way, no way, no way
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

No one at my shoulder bringing me fears
Got no clouds up above me bringing me tears
Got nothing to tell you, I've got nothing much to say
Only I'm glad to be here with you
On this heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly
Heavenly day, all the trouble's gone away
Oh, for a while anyway, for a while anyway
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Poems Worth Reading

I've discovered a fun little meme called Thursday Thirteen, and for my inaugural list I could think of nothing better than to list thirteen poems I think everyone should read. I love each of them, for different reasons, but they all share one thing: when I read them, something in my soul awakens and the longing to write is renewed within me. I've posted links to each poem, and I invite you to follow each one and discover the joys of poetry, the splendor of the well-crafted line and the well-chosen word.

Thirteen Poems to Read 1. "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop 2. "I carry your heart with me" by ee cummings 3. "Sonnet XVII" by Pablo Neruda 4. "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas 5. "Sonnet XLIII (How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...)" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning 6. "Hope is the thing with feathers" by Emily Dickinson 7. "Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota" by James Wright (O to write a last line with a punch like the one in this poem!) 8. "Batter My Heart" by John Donne 9. "Sonnet 116" by Shakespeare 10. "Oatmeal" by Galway Kinnell 11. "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by John Keats 12. "Ulysses" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson 13. "What Work Is" by Philip Levine Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Malcolm 2. Gattina 3. Sandra 4. Nicole Austin 5. What Works For Us 6. Penguinsandladybugs 7. L^2 8. Splash 9. Damozel 10. Susan Helene Gottfried 11. The Gal Herself 12. J. Lynne 13. Thomma Lyn 14. Denise Patrick 15. Jennie 16. Pat J 17. Lori 18. Kristee 19. Nicholas 20. MissMeliss

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Post-its: A Tribute

Stephen and I made a trip to Office Max yesterday, and he received a firsthand glimpse into my fixation on office supplies. Seeing those rows of pens, those stacks of notebooks, those beautiful Post-its, and those wonderful storage containers gives me joy I can only call weird but persistent. While in the store I was trying to decide which office supply would be my favorite, and I've come up with my top 5 must-have office supplies that are both fun and functional--all that the perfect office supply should be.

5. A white-out pen (Not only can you correct errors, you can use it to label things!)
4. Paper clips (The multi-colored ones are the most fun)
3. A stapler (hearing that "click" as staple meets paper is oddly satisfying)
2. A good gel pen (I love the Pilot G-2)
1. Post-its (My mother-in-law gave me Post-its and gel pens last Christmas, thereby solidifying her place forever in my heart.)

In honor of my number one office supply, the Post-it, I offer this poetic tribute:

O delightfully sticky pad of goodness,
how I revel in your many hues,
adore your reliable adhesive power
and your willingness to travel
from office to home, from planner to wall.
O Post-it, thou shelter of memory,
forever may my desk be graced by your presence.

Give it a Throw

Thanks to Steven, I now have a fun new diversion: paper airplane throwing. See if you can beat my best shot:


Go here to try it for yourself! Note: It works much better if you use a mouse rather than a laptop touch pad.

Such a Beautiful Surrender: Song Showcase

This week's song showcase features one of my favorite bands of the moment, Mute Math (MySpace; website). The song is called "Control," and it features some great music matched with great lyrics (that's pretty much the extent of my musical critiquing abilities). Enjoy!(the video I picked is basically just the song playing with a shot of the album cover)



The lyrics:

Take control of the atmosphere
Take me far away from here
There is no better loss than to lose myself in you
In a parachute to glide, I am captive in your sky
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
You can take my world you can fill the air
Take control, take control

It's such a beautiful surrender
It's such a beautiful surrender
It's such a beautiful surrender
It's such a beautiful surrender

Move me up through the darkest clouds
Till I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt
There is no better find than to find myself with you
In a fog you are all I see
I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
There is no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air
Take control

Its such a beautiful surrender
Its such a beautiful surrender
And I'm calling out
would you take control
And I'm calling out

P.S. Don't forget to visit Saturday's post and answer my questions!

Questions for My Readers

I thought it might be fun to have a little interaction with the blog, so I'm posing some questions to you, my fabulous readers. Post your responses as comments, and leave a link to your blog as well, so people can visit your blog, too! And if you have some questions you'd like me to answer, leave those in the comment also. Let the comments begin!


1. Do you prefer to reply to people's comments on your blog by replying on their blogs, or on your own blog (does this question even make sense)? I've seen it done both ways, but it seems that most bloggers respond to comments within their blog, and I have always done the opposite. Is there some sort of blogging etiquette I should be aware of? What would you have me do?

2. What is one TV show you've watched this summer that you would recommend?

3. What is one book you think I should definitely read?

4. What is one blog you read that I should read, too?

5. What is one grammar rule you've never understood?

6. What is one pet peeve that drives you absolutely nuts?

7. What is your favorite Scripture passage or verse?

8. If you could go anywhere in the world (all expenses paid), where would you go?

9. On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate my blog? (With 1 being I really like it and 5 being I really really really really like it.)

10. Where did the word napkin come from?

To Take What We Love Inside

The first time I read this poem, I read it again. And again. I adore Li-Young Lee. His love of words pours from every line of his writing, and when I read his poems I am swept up in the fervor. Read his words, and then read them again.

From Blossoms
Li-Young Lee
published in Rose

From blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the boy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted Peaches.

From laden boughs, from hands
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.

O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.

There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

Li-Young Lee gave a reading during my last semester as an undergrad, and he also hosted a writers' workshop afterwards. He read one of my poems during that workshop and offered his comments and even a bit of praise. It was one of the most surreal, proudest moments of my life. I need to read poetry more often. I used to read it almost every day, but I slowly got out of the habit. I used to write poems almost every day as well, but that was before grad school squelched any ounce of creativity I possessed. I want the poet in me to come back. I want the writer in me to come back. "O, to take what we love inside..."

All That Thrills My Soul

All that thrills my soul is Jesus
He is more than life to me
And the fairest of ten thousand
In my blessed Lord I see

We sang this hymn in church Sunday morning, and it's been floating around in my head ever since. As I was singing it, I kept thinking, "Is this true? Is Jesus really all that thrills my soul? Does He even thrill my soul?" And I didn't like the answers to those questions.

I don't dwell nearly enough on Jesus; I'm too busy thinking about myself. When did I lose the wonder and the joy of Jesus? How do I get
it back?

Love of Christ so freely given
Grace of God beyond degree
Mercy higher than the heavens
Deeper than the deepest sea...

Caught Between the Moon and New York City

Of course the No. 1 song on the day of my birth would be completely cheesy:

Once in your life you find her
Someone that turns your heart around
And next thing you know you're closing down the town
Wake up and it's still with you
Even though you left her way across town
Wondering to yourself, "Hey, what've I found?"

When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it's crazy, but it's true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do ......
The best that you can do is fall in love

Arthur he does as he pleases
All of his life, he's mastered choice
Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy
Living his life one day at a time
And showing himself a really good time
Laughing about the way they want him to be

When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it's crazy, but it's true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do .....
The best that you can do is fall in love


Poor Arthur, "he's just, he's just a boy."

What's your song?

HT: Brody Harper

Song Showcase

I thought I would try to start posting some of my current favorite songs every once in a while, so here is my first one: "Love Will Come Through" by Travis. The video is a little weird, but then I tend to think that about a lot of music videos, so maybe it's just me.

Happiness

I was going through old files on my external hard drive to see if there were files I could get rid of, and while doing so I came across one called "My Happy Book." The utter cheesiness of the title aside, I was instantly reminded of what this file contained. In the winter break before my last semester at Union, I was browsing around one of my favorite haunts, Barnes & Noble, when I happened upon a book in one of the carousels by the cafe'. I think the title was something like 10,000 Reasons to be Happy or 10,000 Things to Be Happy About, but I can't seem to find a book of that title, so perhaps I made it up. However, I do remember thinking several things about this book.
1) It was a little sad that people needed to read a book of generic things someone else had come up with, in the hopes that it would make them happy.
2) It would be silly to buy this book, as I could make a much more personal list of my own for free, thereby saving myself $10.99 and ensuring that each item truly was a reason for me to be happy. (For example, I remember one of happy things being "cigars after dinner," and cigars are disgusting.)
3) Making a list of happy things would be a good way to remember all that is good in my life, all that God has so richly and lavishly bestowed upon my small existence.

After leaving the store that day I started the document, resolving to add at least 5 items to the list every day. Unfortunately, I'm notoriously bad at coming up with good ideas and never seeing them through, so the 5-happy-things-a-day plan lasted perhaps two weeks before life crowded in and caused me to forget to dwell on the happy things. Every now and then, though, I would remember, and I'd go back to my list and add whatever came to mind, often adding a lot more than the self-imposed 5 happy things minimum.

My Happy Book, as I came to call it, hadn't been opened for a while, as far as I could tell. When I opened it today, the last item was #317: The smell of freshly-cut grass. It's been almost four years since I first started that list, and I only managed to get to #317. Reading over the list was quite interesting, and I found my happy things ranging from the general (#27: God's infinitude) to the very specific (#88: a Miles Davis CD on eBay for $.250), to the academic (#37: Making an A on a paper and knowing I earned it; #201: Correctly breaking up a word into morphemes [I've completely forgotten how to do that!]), to the food-related (#20: Chocolate brownie frappuccino from Starbucks [which they no longer have!]; #211: Cherry limeades from Sonic), to the book-related (#29: Sitting in front of a blazing fire and reading a good book; #43: Finishing a really good book with the knowledge that I will definitely want to read it again; #68: Beginning a new book; #69: The smell of a new book; #195: Lying in a hammock on a spring day and reading a good book).

The funny thing about a list like this is that it's easy to tell what stage of life I was in at the time. I could tell when I wasn't at Union because I looked forward to break being over so I could go back, and I could tell when I had left Union and had begun grad school at UT because there were mentions of a new city and an apartment and small victories in theory class or Old English. Reading these happy things is like opening up a box of photos and thumbing through them one by one, and I'm so glad I have new happy things--more verbal photographs--to add (#318: My husband; #319: My husband bringing home flowers; #321: Being able to use the word "husband").

Life is good. I am deeply blessed by a God who shows me His grace every day.

What would you put in your happy book?

Got a Dollar? Get a Goat!

Tomorrow is the last day of the 40 Day Fast, and the organizer, Kat, has come up with a way to make a concrete difference in the lives of those who need it. She's named it Get a Goat, and she's asking all concerned bloggers to take about 5 minutes of their time and donate $1 toward the purchase of a goat (through World Vision) for a needy community. Here's more from Kat's blog:

It will only take 5 minutes and $1 to help a family in need by purchasing a goat for them through World Vision.

A goat nourishes a family with fresh milk, cheese, and yogurt, and can offer a much-needed income boost by providing offspring and extra dairy products for sale at the market.

There isn’t a person reading this who can’t afford 5 minutes and $1 dollar.

If you'd like to donate, all you have to do is follow this link: and scroll down to the Paypal button. You don't need a Paypal account to donate, as long as you have a debit or credit card. $75 will buy one goat, so if 75 people give a dollar, a need will be met. It's only a dollar. A dollar that can make a big difference.

I encourage all of my readers to also visit today's blogger in the 40 Day Fast, Tressa and to consider joining all of us bloggers in a fast tomorrow, July 31.

Don't Pee in the Pool

The complex where Stephen and I live has a pool, and we like to take advantage of it while we can since it is more likely than not that we won't ever have a pool again, and our times of swimming together have taught me something. People are rude in the pool. The following are a few simple guidelines, that if adopted, could make everyone's pool experience much more enjoyable. Read, ponder, embrace.

1. If you have small children at the pool and they are swimming, kindly ask them to refrain from making large jumps into the pool near other swimmers (and by near I mean within one foot of another person). This almost always results in an unwelcome dousing on the innocent bystanders, often in the facial region.

2. If you have small children at the pool and they are swimming, remind them that their friends/siblings are only a few inches from them and therefore shouting matches are not really necessary.

3. If the pool is crowded, it's probably best not to do laps across the pool, as this almost always results in innocent bystanders being hit by flailing limbs.

4. If the pool is crowded, playing catch at opposite ends of the pool is not really the greatest idea. This almost always results in innocent bystanders being hit by wayward water toys.

5. Wearing shoes like flip flops into the actual pool is never a good idea, as this almost always results in innocent bystanders having to wade through grass and dead bugs.


If you've guessed that the phrase "innocent bystanders" refers to Stephen or me, you guessed correctly. This however does not negate the validity of these guidelines. I encourage all of my readers to remember them next time you go to the pool.

In fact, it's probably just best to do nothing in the pool but stand there. :)

How Jesus Found Me: A Love Story

Ten years ago today, I became a Christian. In honor of this occasion, I thought I would share my testimony with my readers. If you read my Xanga, then this might be familiar to you, but I thought it worth duplicating over here, some two years later.

I wasn't too fond of God as a child, which is funny because I was raised in the Catholic church and we were there every week. God scared me, quite frankly. I just knew He was this very stern, white-bearded man looking down on everything I did with a frown, and when I messed up I dreaded having to go to the priest and say a billion Hail Marys to make up for hitting my brother or calling him names or whatever other horrendous act I'd committed. (I suppose it wasn't a billion Hail Marys, probably closer to 10 or so.) Church was boring to me, God was scary, and I was pretty much a good kid, so I didn't give God a whole lot of thought.

When I was ten my family went to see the passion play at Bellevue, and I was stunned by what I saw. I remember seeing Jesus hanging on that cross and being overwhelmed--overwhelmed by the pain He clearly experienced,by the feeling that I might like to know this Jesus person. I hadn't heard too much about Him, or if I had, I hadn't been paying attention. (The latter is probably true: I went to Parish Religious Education every Wednesday and learned everything under the sun about Catholicism and saints and the prayers we prayed and all that stuff, and I even had to do homework, but not much of it stuck. No wonder I didn't like church.) Anyway, that night the music minister talked about having a relationship with Jesus, and I thought that sounded pretty good and would keep me out of hell, and when my mom leaned over and asked me if I wanted to "receive Jesus in my heart" I thought, Why not?

But I didn't get it. Soon after that we stopped going to a Catholic church and joined a Baptist one, and I remember going to youth group and it all seemed so exciting and new, and I ate it up. I finally had my own Bible, and I read it a lot, and highlighted what I thought sounded important, even thought I didn't understand a lot of it. I just watched the other kids and did what they did, and figured that was enough. Occasionally during the service when the pastor would give the invitation and talk about a personal relationship with Jesus, I would wonder if I had that. I prayed some ("Please, God, let ____ like me! I want a boyfriend!)" and wrote in a journal and did everything the other kids did, though, so I thought I was covered. I'd prayed "the prayer," after all, and I was such a good kid. I didn't get into nearly as much trouble as my brother did, and I was definitely the teacher's pet every year, so how could I not be okay?

It was not until the summer after my freshman year in high school that I began having serious doubts about my salvation. I became really concerned about it, lying in bed and wondering if God was there, wondering why I still felt empty, wondering what to do about it. Everyone thought I was already a Christian, so what would they say if all of sudden I said I wasn't? They would call me a liar and laugh at me and I wouldn't have any friends. These irrational thoughts had kept me quiet for many years, but during youth camp that summer I felt that I would burst if I didn't confront this weight on my soul. So one night I talked to an older girl there and told her about my doubts, and she asked me if I remembered praying to God to save me, and I thought about it and that night at Bellevue, and I remember my mom asking me, but I don't remember what I did after that. I didn't feel as though I meant it. I didn't tell this to the girl, though. I was ashamed. That night as I was trying to go to sleep I asked God not to let me sleep if I wasn't His. I told Him I had to know, and He was the only person who could tell me. I don't remember sleeping much that night.

The next morning I went to breakfast feeling sick, knowing I needed Jesus but scared of what people would say. Then we met with our small groups to have a devotional time. I have no idea what it said, only that the beginning involved reading Jonah 1. I didn't get very far into it before I started crying. I sat there, thinking that I didn't want to miss out on Jesus just for the sake of having people like me and knowing that I'd rather spend eternity with Him than a lifetime without Him. So I told my group leader, and we talked about it, and I told him that I wasn't good and that I was a liar, and that I needed Jesus. He was so encouraging and excited, and we went back to the group and he filled them in on why the strange girl was crying over Jonah, and then he asked if anyone else wanted to know Jesus, and three other people confessed to having similar stories to mine, and we all prayed to become Christians together. (If anyone knows Ron Cooney, tell him I still remember him and how he helped me!)

I can't tell you the relief and joy I felt after that. I knew I wasn't alone, I knew that God wasn't scary (at least not in the monster-scary sense), and I knew He loved me enough to keep chasing me. And wouldn't you know it, none of my friends got mad at me or called me a liar. They celebrated with me, and it was amazing. HE is amazing.

But the story doesn't end there. It's still being written, and every day He writes a new chapter. There have been some very sad chapters (a long, hard battle with depression) and some very happy chapters (being accepted to Union and getting a scholarship, getting into grad school, falling in love and getting married) and some adventure-packed chapters (traveling to Honduras and Kenya and Thailand, falling in the Ocoee River), but even though each chapter is different, the Author is the same, and that's enough for me.

Day 31: The Least of These

She was in 8th grade, and she liked Clay Aiken and Beyoncé and (strangely enough) Avalon. She also loved to "style" my hair, which usually resulted in my wearing a side ponytail and her giggling profusely. Her name was Erica, and she was my Little Sister. I met her through my roommate, who had worked with Erica through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. When the program closed due to lack of funding, my roommate kept seeing Erica, and when she was getting ready to graduate, she asked if I would be a mentor to Erica. Eager to "make a difference," I said yes.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

Sometimes she'd talk about her family, but not often. What I did know saddened me. She lived with her mom and older brother in her grandmother's two-bedroom house in the "rough" part of town. Her dad had disappeared years ago. Sometimes he sent birthday cards, but most of the time he forgot. Her mom was rarely around, her brother often out of the house, and her grandmother quiet and distant.I would pick her up once a week and take her to the mall (her favorite store was the music store), or to the park (she liked walking the trail), or to my dorm, where we'd watch Disney movies and make cookies. Often I'd help her with her homework. ("No, Erica, I'm not writing that paper for you, but I will help you get started.") I wanted our time together to be fun and positive and encouraging.

Often it was just difficult.

Maybe it was because of her home life, or maybe because she missed her dad. Maybe she just enjoyed it, but for whatever reason, Erica liked lying. The first time we hung out, she told me that the night before her house had been raided by the cops, who were looking for a man who had murdered someone. Erica said they'd found his shirt in her room, and she was scared they thought she did something. After a panicked call to her mom, I found out the story was completely untrue. Not only that, but she'd told the same story to my roommate more than once. After a few meetings, I became a pro at deciphering which stories were true ("We had pizza in the cafeteria today.") and which were false ("We went on a field trip to the bowling alley.") What puzzled me is that most of her lies were not about serious things, like the cops raiding her house, but were about things like school field trips or parties or boys. At first I didn't no how to respond to her, but after a while I began calling her on her lies, then asking her to tell me what really happened at school. Soon she began calling me every day, sometimes multiple times. If I wasn't there, she'd leave a message, then call again 5 minutes later.

A few months into our relationship, I began crying out to God to help me with Erica. I was in over my head, and I was having a hard time loving her. How could I love someone who lied to me? How could I love someone who tried to shoplift in the mall when she was with me? How could I love someone so unlike me? The answer was easy:

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40)

"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Matthew 22:37-39)

As I began praying for Erica, praying that God would help me to love her I was reminded of God's love for me. How could Jesus love me, when I so often shunned Him? How could Jesus love me, when I often placed everything else in my life above Him? How could Jesus love me, when I was so completely unlovable? The answer is that Jesus is the Lover of the Unlovable. That includes me and Erica, and as I learned that, my love for Erica grew.

I wish I could say that at the end of our time together, Erica was a changed person. She wasn't, not completely. She still lied, but a lot less frequently. She'd ask me questions about God ( more than she asked me about sex), and we prayed together.
The last time I dropped her off, the day before I graduated from college, I said, "I love you, Erica." She smiled and said, "I know."

There are lots of girls and boys just like Erica, children that come from homes very different than the ones I imagine a lot of you did. And they need people in their lives to love them, to show them hope, to listen to them. Big Brothers Big Sisters is one way to become personally involved in the life of a boy or girl. The commitment is small, only one or two hours a week, but the potential for impact is huge. According to the BBBS web site, children who are in the program are:
* More confident in their schoolwork performance.
* Able to get along better with their families.
*46% less likely to begin using illegal drugs.
*27% less likely to begin using alcohol.
*52% less likely to skip school.
You can look for a Big Brothers Big Sisters program in your city, and if there is not one, there are other ways to find children who need mentors, whether it's through a church or a community organization. There are so many needs in the world, so many that often they seem overwhelming, but this is one need that you could meet, in your city, on your street, one child at a time.

Honeymoon or Harry Potter?

There's a couple in Oregon getting married on Friday, and the groom arranged for them to head straight to Barnes & Noble after their reception, where they will be given the first spot in line to receive the new Harry Potter (why do I type "Pooter" every time?). That's very sweet and everything, but seriously? Reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the honeymoon? On the wedding night, no less? Sounds like mixed priorities, if you ask me. (Of course, I'm just glad Stephen and I got married June 2 so I wouldn't have to choose between honeymoon lovin' and Harry Potter. Not as if that would be a tough decision or anything.) I love you, honey! :)

Only a Vapor

Today I found out that one of my colleagues--no, one of my friends--in the English department died last Wednesday. She was only 51, and she died after a blood clot in her leg traveled to her lungs. I was completely stunned when I got the email. No way could it be true. Surely there was some sort of mistake; she couldn't be gone. But she is, and she's left behind a husband and two children and a new grandbaby who all love her and will miss her dearly.

I haven't had much experience with death; in my short 25 years of life, I can count on one hand the people I have known who have died. Nina Nell is one with whom I interacted on a fairly regular basis. We shared conversations in class, in Starbucks, in the departmental computer lab, and every time we talked I felt cheered by her kindness and her genuine warmth and concern. She spoke lovingly of her family, and she was so proud and excited when her grandson was born, excitedly showing me pictures and looking forward to visits she would make to see her family. Everyone who knew her at UT loved her; you couldn't help but do so. I'll always think of her with fondness.

Our lives, wrote James, are but vapors--here one moment, gone the next. I know that Nina Nell's was a life lived with love for her family and friends, and I pray she knew Jesus. My one regret is that I never bothered to ask. Learning of a death like this renews my appreciation for life and inspires me not to take for granted the ones I love. Cherish each moment--each laugh, each smile, each hug, each tear--for you do not know when it will be your last.

Caption Contest

Longtime readers of my Xanga will be familiar with the famous caption contest. I recently realized I haven't held a caption contest in quite some time, so let's resurrect this fun little pastime, shall we? Submit your caption ideas for the picture below (as many entries as you'd like), and I'll narrow it down to my favorite 3, after which you, my beloved readers, will decide the winner! Here is the captionless picture:

Read Other People's Blogs

My blogging has been woefully sporadic, and I can't make promises to be more consistent. I'm not sure what has inspired this dry spell I'm having, but while I remain inconsistent I encourage what few readers I have to visit the blogs listed to the right. Keep following along with the 40 Day Fast, and visit today's blogger, Susanne. If you missed yesterday's post, I recommend reading it. It's by a friend of mine, Steven, and it's a good reminder of the needs all around us, not just across the globe. Also check out Andrew Osenga's blog post for today, a moving entry about his daughter. Have fun exploring the blogosphere!

From a Disgruntled Shopper

Dear Wal-Mart,

I've been a longtime shopper of yours, often in spite of a desire to go anywhere but Wal-Mart. Your low prices and one-stop-shop appeal, however, keep luring me back. However, I must say that if you wish to keep my business, I highly recommend attending to the following problems.

1. If you're going to have 8 so-called "Speedy Checkout" lanes, have the decency to have at least half of them open. I can't even count the number of times I have gone to your store for just a few items, only to find that my "speedy" trip has turned into a "near-eternal" wait because there are only 2 "Speedy Checkout" lanes open, both of which are occupied by patrons who have exceeded the 20-item limit. Which brings me to my next suggestion...

2. If you're going to have a sign at the "Speedy Checkout" lanes that says "20 items or less," have the decency to enforce said sign (and it wouldn't hurt to have it be a grammatically correct sign, one that says, "20 items or fewer"). Just today I was at dear ole Wally World in the "speedy" lane, and both people in front of me had well over 20 items in their carts. Yet nothing was said to these patrons, and people like me, who only have 5 items, are forced to wait behind these rule-breaking fiends. (Of course I could say something to the people in front of me, but confrontation is not my strong point, nor do I want to get into a brawling match over some items in a shopping cart. Plus, I resent the fact that your slack rule enforcement would put me in the position of having to do that. I just want to buy my 5 items in a timely, efficient manner, but it seems I am often unable to do so.

3. Please stop redesigning the layouts of the stores. It is highly frustrating to go to a Wal-Mart in another town, only to discover that I can't find that much-needed item because the section it is in cannot be found in the place I'm accustomed to finding it. I would think that having a universal layout for all the stores would be somewhat intuitive, but perhaps counter-intuitive is what you're aiming for. If so, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work.

What is a story?

Is it more than six words? Hemingway would not think so, for he wrote a story in six words: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Last year, Wired asked other writers to compose their own six-word stories, often with interesting, if not somewhat puzzling results. Here are my attempts (I had to resist the urge to count syllables instead of words, as I'm used to writing nonsensical haikus). What are yours?

Test positive. Time to buy diapers.

Road ending ahead. Brakes don't work.

Cut the red fuse, the red--

I never should have trusted him.

HT: Freethinker777

Today's blogger for The 40 Day Fast is Brant Hansen. His post is deeply moving, so go read it!

The 40 Day Fast

You may or may not have noticed the sidebar to the right of my blog posts. Today something called The 40 Day Fast begins. Each day for 40 days a blogger will write about a problem of hunger or poverty and an organization that is attempting to remedy that problem. To read today's entry, go here. To read about the 40 Day Fast, go here and here. Visit the blogs listed in the sidebar each day to read about a different issue and about ways to get involved.

Why I Love Marriage

Now that I've been married all of 16 days, I feel qualified enough to speak on the many benefits marriage brings. :)

1. I get to see my best friend every day. This to me is the greatest thing about being married. Stephen and I spent so much of our relationship not even in the same city, so being in the same house and sharing everything and spending all our time together seems like some sort of dream. We have a lot of fun together, and when he comes home from work my heart is just so glad to see him.

2. He is always there for me. If I'm feeling upset or stressed, as I was this morning, he is there to listen to my (often irrational) concerns, hug me, kiss me, tell me he loves me, and before I know it my spirit is lifted.

3. We're a team. We both cook dinner, we both clean up, we tackle situations together. It's fabulous.

4. I have a live-in masseuse. 'Nuf said.

5. Stephen has a Gamecube, so we can play endless hours of Mario Kart. Can't beat that.

6. Upon marrying, our movie collection doubled in size.

7. I can get "free hugs" whenever I want.

8. I don't have to think about myself all the time. That may sound odd, but really, it's great that I have another person to focus my attentions on. Instead of always thinking about what I want and what's best for me, I'm thinking about what Stephen wants, what's best for us, how I can best serve him. In this way I see how much more Christ loves us totally and unconditionally. It's a lesson in love.

9. Watching TV or a movie is much more fun if you're watching it with the one you love.

10. There's someone around to take out the garbage. (Kidding! Well, sort of.)

Obviously, I'm kind of a fan of this whole marriage thing, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tales from the Honeymoon (of the G-rated kind)

I'll try to keep this brief, but you all know that brevity is not one of my best qualities. Stephen and I went to Chattanooga, TN, one of my favorite cities, for our honeymoon. Stephen had never been there, and I was excited for him to experience it. We left from Carahills on Saturday and headed to Nashville, where we would spend the first night at The Embassy Suites, but first we stopped in Jackson to eat dinner, since both of us had eaten very little at the wedding. We had a yummy dinner at TGI Friday's, even though it was pouring rain outside, but the winds of misfortune were blowing our way. As we were leaving, Stephen couldn't find the keys. We went back to our table to make sure they hadn't fallen out there, then we traced our steps all around the restaurant before going to the car. I was hoping hoping hoping that they wouldn't be where I thought they were, but sure enough, we got to the car and there they were: on the front seat. We were locked out. On our wedding day, on our way to the honeymoon, in the rain. Lovely. I of course handled the situation in a completely appropriate pathetic fashion. I cried. I had a spare key, but it was in our townhome. Fortunately, I had the keys to the townhome with me, so if we could just find a way to get home, we could get the spare and be on our way. Of course, everyone we tried to call had been at the wedding, and they either had their phones off or on silent. Next step: call AAA. I have had to use my membership a few times, and they've never been all that speedy in responding, so I was not very hopeful. Sure enough, the man informed me it would be an hour to an hour and a half before a locksmith could come. This did not make me happy, so I cried some more. Finally, Paul, Stephen's friend and co-worker got Stephen's message and came to our rescue. He took us to our place, where the spare key was right where I thought it was (amazingly enough), and we were then on our way. We toyed briefly with the idea of just staying in Jackson for the night, but decided to go on to Nashville, and I'm glad we did. The Embassy Suites was really nice, our room was dark and quiet, and they had an amazing complimentary breakfast buffet in the morning.

I wish I could say that was the last of our misfortune, but there were a few more surprises in store. I wanted to get Stephen a present for our wedding, and while at Hallmark I saw this:


My mom had gotten us one called "Together" for an engagement present, and I thought this one was so sweet. I gave it to Stephen on our wedding night, he opened it, and then looked at me, puzzled. What he opened was this:


Yes, that's right. I got the wrong box! What's most annoying about this is that an employee handed me this box after I showed her the one I wanted. I couldn't believe it. I was upset for a minute, but it was so funny we couldn't help but laugh about it.

On Sunday we got to the Marriott after enjoying a delicious seafood lunch at Easy Seafood Co., and we headed up to our room. Excitedly, I opened the door, and then said, "This is not going to work." They gave us a room with 2 beds! So we hauled all our stuff back down to the lobby, and we got a new room with no trouble.

Thus concludes this week's edition "Honeymoon Misfortunes." More on our trip later.

Where to Begin?

There's so much to cover that I think it will take me several entries, so bear with me. Read or don't read. Whatever suits you. But before I begin I must put in a plug for a fabulous little EP just released by Andrew Osenga, an independent artist who's been playing with Caedmon's Call. It's really a wonderful acoustic album, and he has it available as a free download on his website. You can download Letters to the Editor, Vol. 1 by going here. It's definitely worth a listen.

Now, the wedding. It was lovely, everything I imagined it would be. The flowers were perfect, the cakes were perfect, my dress was perfect. In case you didn't look at the photo album, here are a few images:








We arrived at 11 a.m. at Carahills for pictures. Stephen and I decided to see each other before the ceremony because we had limited time for pictures after the ceremony, and friends who have done a similar thing have said they were glad they did it that way, and I'm glad too. The staff had everyone leave the main room except for the photographer and videographer, and then my dad escorted me down the staircase (I was glad for this because it allowed me to practice, since the stairs were kind of steep). Then they led Stephen up the back way to the bride's room, played "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones, and he walked down the stairs to me. When I saw him, my heart just fluttered, and I was so happy. I cried, and we hugged and kissed, and it was a really special moment. Then the craziness ensued, as everyone was ushered back in and the real picture-taking began. We only had until about 12:30 or so to get all the pictures taken, so it was a rather rushed and somewhat chaotic process.

I was heartbroken later when I realized that I did not get pictures with my grandparents, nor did Stephen with his grandmother. That is something we can never get back, and it really devastates me. They are in the picture of our extended families, but that's not quite the same. One thing I wish the photographer would have done is to bring the list of shots I wanted that I gave him when we met up in May to talk things over. I thought that if I gave him a list, he would at least have it with him. He kept asking me what shots I wanted to get, and I was trying to remember things, but how could I remember everything? (And yet how could I forget my grandparents??) That's the one dark spot on the day for me, and I wish it could be different.

The flower girl was my cousin, Amelia Grace, and she was the flower girl at my brother's wedding last June, and she did a good job even though she was only 2, so we figured she'd do a great job this year, being a year older. That proved not to be the case, as she just didn't want to do it. At rehearsal she started to do it, but then she got upset, and the day of she was having none of it, so we didn't technically have a flower girl, but given that she is 3 and I had no expectations, I wasn't really upset about it. She looked super cute in the dress my aunt (her grandmother) made her, though.



After the pictures were finished, it seemed like an eternity before the ceremony started. I was so hyped up and ready to be married, and when it was just me left in the bridal room, I just kind of walked around in my gown, trying to relax. I could peek through the curtains down to the room below, so when the ceremony began, I watched a good bit of it. Here's the music we had:

Prelude: "Knees to the Earth" (originally sung by Christy Knockels of Watermark, and sung by my friend Sarah that day)
Seating of Grandmothers and Mothers: Sarah sang "My Tribute" a capella, and it was really beautiful.
Wedding Party Processional: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. This is one of my favorite songs, and it was perfect for the atmosphere I wanted to create as the bridesmaids and groomsmen came in.
Bridal Processional: If you'll remember, this is the one I agonized over until the week of the wedding, when I finally found something I knew was perfect. I walked down the staircase to a strings arrangement of Coldplay's song "Clocks." It's done by a string quartet called the Vitamin String Quartet. They do string tributes to lots of different bands, and their version of "Clocks" is beautiful. I absolutely love it. (You can find them on Rhapsody and listen to the track for free.)
Recessional: "For Once in My Life" by Stevie Wonder. I wanted something fun and bright and happy, and this is it. (Although to be honest, at that point I was so excited to be married that I wasn't thinking much about the song at all. Hopefully everyone else enjoyed it.)

Something unique that Stephen and I did is a sand ceremony. It's a twist on the unity candle ceremony, where we poured different colored sand into a single vase to create a lovely design and symbolize the joining of our lives together. I read about it in a book and thought it sounded perfect, and I'm so glad it worked out well. Here's a picture of the sand on a table in the foyer after the ceremony:



If you watched the video clip I posted, you saw that after we "recessed" Stephen and I walked up the stairs and into the room up there. The staff had prepared this cute little table of food for us, and we had about 10 or 15 minutes all to ourselves, which allowed us to just be alone together and sample the food and relax before being announced into the reception. It was definitely a nice touch, even though we really didn't eat a whole lot.

The reception is kind of a blur, but we did the cake-cutting, the bouquet toss, the garter toss, all the usuals. I tried to mingle and talk to people, but I felt like I was being pulled in 500 different directions. Before I knew it, it was time to change and get ready to leave. Since we left straight from Carahills, we didn't want to leave in our wedding clothes. We changed and left as friends and family showered us with bubbles. It was fun. The whole day was fun, but over too fast.

Stay tuned for tales from the honeymoon.