Weighty Problem

I did something bad. I weighed myself. I knew it would have to be done because obviously I won't be able to determine if I've lost 15 pounds by June 24 if I don't even know my starting weight. So tonight I went to Wal-Mart (my hot date got canceled) and looked all over the place for a scale. I finally had to ask someone because I couldn't find them, and it turned out the scales are in the hardware section. I don't know if it's just me, but I never would have guessed that. On the way home I was dreading taking the scale out of the package and reading the numbers of doom. I'm not even sure when the last time I weighed myself was; I think it was the last time I went to the doctor, which was almost a year ago. And I knew I'd probably gained weight since then, and so I was mentally preparing myself for what the number would be. I kept thinking of really outrageous numbers, and then I figured it was probably somewhere around a certain number, but deep down I knew I was overestimating in the hopes that I wouldn't be completely shocked when I actually did get on the scale. Still, even when I got home and actually weighed myself, I was in shock. It turned out the number I'd been thinking of was way too close to what actually appeared there in front of me in those stark, hideous numbers.

Whereas I'm sure seeing this would motivate a lot of people even more, it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. And honestly, the first thing I wanted to do was eat ice cream. What the heck is wrong with me? How can I want food when I've seen what it does to me? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to be my body I keep seeing in the mirror? Why can't I like vegetables or other healthy foods or exercise?

What's so miserable about all of this is I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so depressed. I'll get over it, I know, but right now I just want my mom to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful anyway.

Prank Prep

Does anyone have any good pranks I could play on my roommate for April Fool's Day? Since it falls on a Saturday, my list of victims is much more limited. I'm looking for something humorous but harmless.

While driving home, I passed three people jogging in the rain. It's been raining for at least an hour, so either these people are long distance runners, or they find running in the rain oddly enjoyable. Is there something about running in the rain that seems more fun than I'm imagining it to be?

Pop Culture Overload

Question: How much pop culture is too much? In other words, when do Christians start looking and acting so much like the world that we stop looking like Christians?

On a completely unrelated note, I thought I'd seen some ugly bridesmaid dresses, but the ones on uglydress.com win the prize. I'll never complain about any of the dresses I have to wear ever again!

A Little Less Conversation, a Little More Action

EDIT:  Shakira on American Idol?  Are you kidding me?  And then Katharine in the bottom two, but Bucky is safe??  Is there no justice in this world?  (And yes, I'm aware it's just a TV show.)

Oh, and this is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.  I don't know why everyone seems to be so obsessed with Chuck Norris, but the obsession sure is producing lots of fun entertainment.

                                                            * * * *

I didn't want it to happen.  I fought it tooth and nail.  I resisted, moaned, groaned, came close to tears, but it happened.  I exercised. 

To some of you this may not seem like earth-shattering news, but if you know me well enough you know that I HATE exercise.  I see nothing fun about getting sweaty and feeling my fat jiggle around while I try to look graceful doing lunges.  But as much as I hate it, I know that it's a necessity that I lose weight.  Diabetes runs in my family, and I'm just asking to get it if I keep up the lifestyle I currently have.  Not to mention that it would be great not to feel winded after walking up the two flights of stairs to the writing center. 

This isn't the first time I've talked about this, nor will it be the last, more than likely.  But I'm tired of talking.  I waste so much time saying, "I need to lose weight" or "I need to be more disciplined with schoolwork" or "I need to get involved in some community service."  These are all just empty words until I do something.  So I am.  My friend Diana saw a segment on one of the evening news shows like Dateline, and there was a man on there who developed this theory related to threats.  He says that the only way someone will follow through on something when they're threatened is if they know without a doubt that the threat will come true.  (This explains why many times kids don't listen if you tell them, "If you do that one more time..." because a lot of times there's no follow-through.)  So anyway, the show got together 20 people who wanted to lose weight but hadn't been able to and told them they had two months to lose 15 pounds.  Here's the kicker: if they didn't lose the weight, Dateline would put a picture of them in their bathing suits on national TV.  At the end of the two months everyone was weighed, and I think all but one or two of the participants lost the weight, and even more than the 15 pounds.  The person who didn't lose the weight lost 14 pounds, though, so they didn't put up her picture because the threat still worked.  All of them were motivated to lose the weight. 

Naturally, this intrigued me, and we started thinking about threats we could carry out if we didn't lose weight.  So we came up with this:  I want to lose 15 pounds by my brother's wedding on June 24, and if I don't, I have to put up a picture of me in my bathing suit on my blog and on facebook.  Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty motivated.  I've made myself little notes in my room and on the fridge that say "Bathing suit!" in big letters to remind me, and I've started being more conscious about what and how much I'm eating. 

Why am I telling you all of this?  A few reasons.  First, those of you who pray, pray for me.  I really and truly believe that this can honor God, and I want to do it in a healthy, safe manner.  Pray that I would be motivated, not just because of this threat, but because my body is His temple and I need to take care of it.  (Unless of course you secretly want to see me in a bathing suit, but trust me, you don't.  Hehe.)  Second, telling you this gives me greater accountability.  All 82 of my subscribers now know the plan, and now I feel even more obligated to follow through on this. 

Now, I'm off to drink some water. :happy:

Stating the Obvious

The following is the first sentence from one of the papers I read today in the writing center: "People die around the world nearly every day." Nearly every day? Try every minute. But thanks for that, Captain Obvious. And it's not like I can say, "No duh!" I have to find a tactful way to tell whomever it is that he/she needs to find a better way to introduce the subject (the subject of this paper of course being death). Sigh.

North Country makes me want to hate guys. Fortunately, I know they're not all pigs. At least, I hope not. Right?

Miscellany

I know this is my second post for the day, but I didn't want to edit a third time. I only have a few brief announcements:

1. Everwood comes back on tonight with a "fresh" two-hour episode! I'm so pumped because it's been off the air for about three months. Even if you don't like/watch the show, at least tune your TV to the WB at 8/7c for the ratings. I'm worried that Everwood isn't going to be picked up for the new CW network.
2. Paste magazine is doing a poll to determine the top 20 of the 100 greatest living songwriters. I only voted so I could support Fiona Apple, but if you want to vote for others (and I did vote for 20), then you can follow the link on Fiona's site in the "news" section. (Side note: If anyone lives in or around Myrtle Beach, SC and wants to let me stay with them so I can see Fiona in concert on May 9, let me know! I realize that's a complete long shot, but I just had to throw it out there.)
3. I actually tutored people today in the writing center. This is a small miracle, believe me.
4. A working model of our website is due next Monday. Let's just say that we're not quite close to being done. Say some prayers for me and my partner, Stacey!
5. In one of the annotated bibliographies turned in, a student misspelled "public" as "pubic." I'm not gonna lie, my mentor and I found that incredibly hilarious.

That's all, folks!

Smelly room, smelly room, what was I thinking?

My room currently smells like fertilizer. I sleep with my window cracked because I like to be really cold when I sleep (thus confirming, for those of you still trying to decide, that I am in fact weird), but I forgot that they mulched the grounds Saturday. So I woke up this morning to a wonderful aroma wafting through my bedroom window, and now it's just lingering in the air. Awesome.

P.S. My title is an amendment to Phoebe's "Smelly Cat" song on Friends.

EDIT: Okay, next semester if I start talking about applying for another technology grant, someone kindly remind me that right now I want to shoot myself in the face. Technology is so evil because it's both fun and frustrating. (More frustrating than fun right now.) Grr.

I'm Back!

I arrived in Knoxville last night at 3:30 am.  Fun times.  I was so wired that it was around 5 before I fell asleep, so needless to say I didn't wake up until almost noon.  Oh well. 

The Switchfoot concert was kind of weird.  The opening band was someone called Athlete, and I think they were British.  They were okay, but they tried to hard to be like Coldplay, and it didn't always work.  We felt old because there were a lot of younger people there who were on the floor jumping up and down, and all of the more "sedate" adults were all on the second tier with us.  The music was good, but they had these really annoying light shows that used strobe lights, and I was just glad I didn't have epilepsy because it would have been dangerous.  Overall it felt like Switchfoot was just trying too hard or something.  I can't really explain it, but after seeing Jason Mraz, who is a natural performer and entertainer, Switchfoot definitely didn't measure up.  Still, live music is always fun, so it wasn't a total bust. 

For all two of you who were wondering about my new toy (hi Stef and Lynette!), here it is:

In case you can't tell, I got a new iPod! It's one of the 30 GB models that plays videos.  I used some of my tax refund money to buy it, and so far I'm loving it!  My mini was almost two years old, and it has been acting up, so I recycled it at the Apple store and got 10% off this new one.  Now I don't have to pick and choose what songs to have on the iPod; I can upload all of them!  Yay!  (Diana also got a "new" iPod to replace hers because it broke and she was under warranty.) 

I have pictures from the weekend that you can see in this nifty Photobucket photostrip:

If you want to see an individual picture, just click on it and it should take you to my album.  Enjoy!  I'm off to play around with this whole new profile thing that looks suspiciously like a facebook profile thing.  Hmm...

 

Cheesecake, Camers, and Cappuccinos

How do you like my alliterative title? Aren't I clever? (Don't answer that.) I know you've all felt terribly bereft since I haven't updated in over 24 hours, but I'm hear to allay your sadness. :) Diana and I are at a coffee house that we are using solely for its free wireless, and there just so happens to be a guy giving a concert on his guitar. Pretty sure Diana and I are the youngest people here, except for the guy's daughter. Oh well, he's singing all of these great old tunes, and it's fun. I'm currently enjoying a yummy cappuccino chip muffin. It sounds weird, but don't knock it until you've tried it.

So far we've had a blast. We've been trying to document each aspect of our trip, and unfortunately I didn't bring my USB cable or I'd upload the pictures we've taken so far. My memory card can hold about 570 pictures, and we were going to try and take all of them, but as of right now we've only taken 24, so I guess we're not going to reach our goal, huh? But don't worry, rest assured that the ones we've taken will be up here soon enough for all of your mocking pleasure.

Cheesecake Factory didn't disappoint; our meals were delicious, and the cheesecake was scrumptious. Diana had white chocolate raspberry, and I got cheesecake called something like chocolate oreo mudslide. Suffice it to say it was divine. (Or close to it, anyway.)

The mall the Cheesecake Factory is in, Green Hills Mall, is probably the swankiest mall I've ever been in. There's a Tiffany's and a Louis Vitton in there, for crying out loud! I'm just glad we weren't wearing t-shirts, or we would have been slightly under-dressed. I bought a very fun toy in the mall, but I'm going to wait until I can show you the picture before I tell you what it is. Try and guess what it is. It's pretty awesome, I must say. Yay for tax refund money!!

Well, that's all for now, folks. Switchfoot tomorrow! I love concerts.

On the Road Again

After three days of research, it's time for fun! Diana and I are heading to Nashville today to hang out until the Switchfoot concert on Saturday. I am probably most excited about that, but one other thing also has me very excited. Cheesecake Factory. Yummy!

The only glitch in this is the snow prediction. We'll get there before it snows, but we're driving back Saturday after the concert, and if it doesn't warm up, the Cumberland plateau will be a bit of a hazard. I'd rather not have a repeat of the car-in-the-ditch incident, so say a little prayer for us Saturday night, okay?

I'm sure I'll update since we all know Xanga is like some sort of extension of myself.

Sky-diving and Snorkeling

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Hmm, I've certainly thought about being a screenwriter.  I would try and write an adaptation of Troilus and Criseyde.  I really can't believe no one else has done that.  It's an amazing, fabulous, multi-layered story.  And it's Chaucer, so what's not to love?

In other news, there's apparently a website out there that urges people to vote for the worst singer on American Idol!  Right now they're backing Kevin, and I can't say I blame them.  They started in season 3 and backed Jasmine Trias, who made it to the top 4, and they backed that awful, creepy Scott Savol last year, which I think actually explains why he made it as far as he did.  I can't say I completely agree with what they're doing because I don't want it to ruin the chances of Mandisa or Chris, but it is really funny. 

Today on Ellen there was a woman in the audience who was in her fifties and had gotten a tattoo five years ago because she had made a list of things she wanted to do or accomplish in her life, and that was one of them, so she finally took the plunge.  It got me thinking about what I want to do before I die, so here's a preliminary list:

1.  Ride in a hot air balloon.
2.  Go sky-diving.  (I really want to do this, but I'd much rather do it with someone else than go alone!)
3.  Visit Sea World.
4.  Go snorkeling in Australia.
5.  Learn how to knit.
6.  Get something published.
7.  Visit all 50 states.  (My trip this summer across country should knock out several of them!)
8.  Visit Italy. (I'd love to have my honeymoon in Florence or Rome, but we'll see.)
9.  Be in two places at once.  (Haha, just kidding. Anyone remember what movie that's from?)
10. Live overseas.

That should keep me busy for a few years, eh?  What would be on your list?

EDIT:  Today's entry from my 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar:  "Suave Naturals Body Scrub Costs Less Than More Expensive Brands" (from an add for Suave).  I guess it better cost less, since they have idiots writing their ads!  :laughing:

Okay, anyone want to update me on American Idol and Amazing Race? Who was good on AI? Who got eliminated on AR? I totally missed them because I went to see The New World with some gals from school, and it's really a shame because the movie definitely wasn't worth missing Amazing Race. The only good thing about was that I went to see it with some of the same girls who mocked Tristan and Isolde with me, so we made the best of a bad situation. :)

Haikus for You...

Since yesterday's haikus were such a hit, I thought I'd write some more.  It's nothing but fun, and it's a great way to distract myself from the work I'm supposed to be doing in the library right now.  Boo for boring spring breaks!

My eyes are blurry
from reading all the small print.
I long for the beach.

Today is warmer.
Still, the sun plays hide and seek.
How I want to play!

Flip-flops make me smile;
Too bad my feet are ugly.
But I'm hot anyway.  :happy:

Have a haiku-rific day!

EDIT:  Apparently, not everyone was instructed on the art of the haiku in the fourth grade like I was.  If you'd like to learn more about the haiku, here's a brief explanation.  (Clicking on the links along the side of the page will enlighten you further. Also, evidently the Japanese are the only ones who are stringent about the number of syllables in each line, but I like having a set number.)  After you've read it, come back and post your own haiku!

EDIT 2: Wow, volunteering really does pay off!

Happy Spring!

Today is the first day of spring. It's sleeting here. Go figure. And now, a haiku:

Spring has come today.
The flowers are not in bloom.
Watch out for the ice.

EDIT: Another haiku because the library is a depressing place:

Alone we sit here
Taking in the books' stale air,
Wanting to be done.

I'm glad that Diana, my study buddy, is here or otherwise I'd be completely miserable. I've seen a total of 5 people since I've been here, and 2 of those were in the campus store where I bought my Diet Pepsi. But we press on, motivating ourselves with the promise of About a Boy and Walk the Line after our day's labor is through.

P.S. I did like Grey's Anatomy, even though I kind of had no idea what was going on. George is completely adorable, Alex is a jerk, and blonde girl in love with the patient made me cry. (I forget her name?)

Ho-hum

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading." ~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest.

How fabulous is this quote? Gotta love that Oswald. I don't really have much to say; I just don't feel like thinking about all the work I have to do (much less actually doing any of it), so I just whip out my handy procrastination tool, Xanga. It just seems against the laws of nature to do homework over spring break. Oh well, I guess I forfeited the right to a footloose and fancy-free spring break when I ceased being an undergrad. At least I know that half of the other first year MAs will be hanging out in the library with me. Misery loves company, after all.

Hebrews 11:6: Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him.

EDIT: Okay, I'm going to check out the show that pretty much everyone I know can't stop raving about: Grey's Anatomy. I don't exactly need another show to be hooked on, but it's spring break! I'll apprise you of my opinion after it's over. (Isn't "apprise" a great word? People should use it more often!)

Real

Warning: This is long...

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

~"Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

This song has been rolling around in my head for a few days. I wonder how many of us go to church, or even live out our daily lives, feeling like we can't be real. And how many of us show up on Sundays with a smile painted on, when inside we just feel like crying? I know that there have been many times when I have felt this way, but I've been afraid to show it because I don't want to seem any less "together" than the next person. Why is it that the one place where believers--and everyone else, for that matter--should feel most free to be themselves is the one place where everyone becomes an actor in a play of happy people? Why do we have such a hard time admitting that our lives aren't perfect, that things aren't always "fine," that Christianity isn't a lifetime of nonstop highs?

The truth is, I struggle. Christianity is hard for me. And it should be hard because I believe that those things in life that are most difficult are the most worth it. I am horribly selfish, horribly arrogant, horribly inconsistent. I want to believe that God is in control and that His ways are best, but sometimes my rebellious heart wants to take control, thinking that I can somehow do a better job. I don't always want to spend time with Jesus, but I know that when I do I've never wished I hadn't. I battle with depression on an almost daily basis. I'm on an antidepressant, but I don't tell many people that because I'm afraid of being judged. I even stopped taking it last summer because I felt guilty and like I was a "bad Christian" for having problems. And you know what? Last semester was a nightmare the majority of the time, and I believe I could have been spared a lot of it had I not been too proud to accept the help that God provides me, in whatever form He chooses to provide it. Now that I've been taking the medication again, my walk with the Lord is stronger and more vibrant than it's been in a while. So if that makes me a "bad Christian," then I don't want to be a "good" one. (Even as I type this, I'm afraid of clicking that "submit" button because what I'm writing here leaves me very vulnerable. But you know what? There's a lot to be said for vulnerability. It certainly makes it much harder to prideful.)

I'm tired of feeling like I can't be real. This is who I am: I'm an inconsistent, emotional, melancholy girl who succeeds and fails, laughs and cries, thinks too much, wishes for that fairytale romance, hopes for all things good, doubts and believes, worries and trusts, loves and longs to be loved. This is who I am, and what is incredibly liberating about the jumbled mess that I am is that I can do or say nothing to make Jesus love me any more than He already does right now.

He loves you. Believe and be satisfied.

Psalm 145: 14-16: The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

Best Week Ever?

Well, probably not. But it's been pretty great, and here's why:

1. Last Saturday was one of the most productive work days I've ever had.
2. Not only did I work hard on Saturday, but I also got a fabulously cheap shirt and some equally fabulous crop pants.
3. Said shirt earned me a million compliments and I believe prompted a complete stranger to ask me for my number. (Naturally I didn't give it to him, but I wish I'd had that rejection number. Oh well.)
4. I got my Renaissance midterm back on Tuesday, and he didn't give us grades. Yes, that's right, finally a professor who's more concerned with us simply learning the material rather than us all earning A's. He gave me some really favorable and helpful feedback. Go me.
5. I'm getting a big fat tax refund. I'm talking more than what I earn in a month. (Which actually isn't very much, but still!)
6. I discovered the joy that is Rhapsody.
7. This week, I genuinely felt in love with the Lord. It's an all-too rare feeling that I hope to keep.
8. I don't have school for an entire week! Not even the fact that I'll be spending a large chunk of my spring break doing research in the library can take away the relief I feel at not having to attend class for a week.
9. My research grant partner Stacey and I finally figured out how to upload our pages to the server properly. You can see our working model by going here. (There's really not much to see besides our way cool graphic, unfortunately.)
10. I had a marvelous dinner at one of my favorite Knoxville hangouts, the Downtown Grill and Brewery, and they had $2 Long Island teas. Yummy.

Psalm 103:1-5: Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits; who pardons all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

The Picture of the Church

EDIT: Okay, since no one is interested in my thoughts on the church, would anyone care to make some musical recommendations to me? I have a trial subscription to Rhapsody which lets me listen to and download as many songs as I want, so this is the time to try and impose your musical tastes on a willing guinea pig! Fire away! I'm especially interested in artists who write their own stuff or aren't mainstream.

I've been reading through Acts, and it's been so instructive and enlightening for me. It had been a while since I'd systematically gone through the book, and in a lot of ways it seems all new to me. I've been in chapter four this week, and yesterday these verses really struck me: "And the congregation of those who believed were of one heart and soul; not one of them claimed that anything belonging to him was his own, but all things were common property to them. And with great power the apostles were giving testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and abundant grace was upon them all. For there was not a needy person among them..." (Acts 4:32-34a). After reading and thinking about these verses, I wrote in my journal, "What does it mean to be of one heart and soul? What would the Church look like if that were the case? And how can we achieve that, when it's difficult even to get members of one church to agree on the color of the carpet in the sanctuary or what kind of music should be played during the service? Are we lacking abundant grace because instead of preaching the gospel with power, we're arguing and complaining?"

Today I read into chapter five, and I found an answer to my question of what a church who is of one heart and soul looks like. Verses twelve and following speak of how the apostles performed many miracles and healings, and people were attracted to them and believers were "constantly added to their number, to such an extent that they even carried the sick out into the streets and laid them on cots and pallets, so that when Peter came by at least his shadow might fall on any one of them. Also the people from the cities in the vicinity of Jerusalem were coming together, bringing people who were sick or afflicted with unclean spirits, and they were all being healed" (Acts 5:12-16).

When the Church is of one body and soul, miracles happen. People are drawn to this, and they are added to the number of believers. A church that is unified is attractive, and a church that is unified is anointed by the power of the Holy Spirit. These verses say that people even from other cities were seeking out the apostles and the church because they saw that the church offered what they needed. If we want those who don't know Jesus to come to know Him, the answer is not in flashy sermons or up tempo music; the answer is in Jesus. And when we quit making the church about satisfying ourselves and our desires and make it about glorifying God, then that's when the miracles happen.

The Sweetest Taste

I love orange juice. I consume about a gallon a week of the stuff. Even if I eat nothing for breakfast, I have to have my orange juice. I don't know what exactly it is that makes me love it so much, but I just really do. Last Saturday I drank the last of the gallon I had, and until yesterday I didn't have any because I kept forgetting to stop by the grocery story and buy some more. Every morning I'd wake up, go into the kitchen, open the refrigerator to take out the juice, and come up empty-handed. I can't convey the disappointment I'd feel upon realizing that the juice I'd been craving wasn't there. I'd try drinking water or fruit punch or something else, but nothing was the same as the pleasure of drinking that tall glass of orange juice. So you can imagine my delight when I woke up this morning and was able to have my orange juice. It was an exciting moment.

As I was driving to school this morning something occurred to me: I get more excited about drinking that orange juice every morning than I do about spending time with Jesus. In fact, when I don't get my juice in the morning, I miss it a lot more than I miss my time with Jesus. What's even sadder is that I think of having my juice in the morning as more of a priority than spending time with God in the mornings. I've always struggled with morning devotions because I'm more of a nocturnal person by nature and find it hard to get up in the mornings; however, this doesn't mean I'm not capable of getting up in the mornings a little bit earlier so I can begin my day with the Lord. The hard truth is that if I have homework I need to do or a paper to write, I have very little problems getting up earlier if that's what it takes for me to get the work done and do a good job. There's something troubling about the fact that I can wake up early to do school work, but I find it next to impossible to wake up early to read my Bible and pray. As much as I would prefer not to admit it, I make time and expend energy to do the things that are important to me. School is important to me, so I make the effort. More often than not, my time with God comes at night as I'm getting ready for bed. Honestly, God is getting my leftovers, whatever bits of me I haven't already used up doing whatever else occupied my time that day.

I'm not saying it's wrong to have your time with God at night, but I do think that the way I view my time with God is wrong. Jesus sets the example for us in the Gospels, and I don't recall reading, "and Jesus went all day long without talking to God and then when it was time to go to sleep, He spent a few minutes in prayer and hit the hay"; on the contrary, it says in Mark 1:35 that "very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." If Jesus considered prayer worth getting up early for, shouldn't I? I'm not trying to be legalistic or overly stringent; I just know that the days when I do have my time with God in the mornings, I am more likely to have the Lord on my mind throughout the day, and I can mull over what I read and prayed about that morning. Those days are always better than the ones where I wake up just in time to shower and head out the door and then return home worn out and only make time for a cursory Scripture reading and a murmured prayer before bed. For someone who values relationships with my friends so highly and places great import on regular communication with the people I love, I treat God horribly in comparison, and I don't like that.

How incredible that the King of Kings and the Creator of the universe desires to spend time with me, delights in spending time with me! And how sad it is that in my selfishness and pride I reject Him, and by not fellowshiping with my Savior, I'm in essence telling God I don't need Him, that I'm fully capable of managing my life by myself. (And we all know that's not true!) I want to hunger and thirst for God; I want to taste and see that the Lord is good! And you know what? I think He's a lot better than orange juice. I welcome your thoughts/criticisms/questions.

Psalm 34:8: Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Psalm 149:4: For the Lord takes delight in His people; he crowns the humble with salvation. Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds.

EDIT: I'm curious: are there any readers out there who don't struggle with having time with God in the mornings? Or if you do struggle, have you found ways to overcome the desire to just sleep in? I'd love some advice on this, if anyone has some.

Beware the Ides of March

Eprops to the people who can tell me what that quote is from or why March 15 has supposed historical significance.  (I bet Stef knows!)  No Googling allowed! :happy:

EDIT:  Steven and Daniel were close enough in their answers.  The quote is from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, and it was a warning for him to "beware" because people were conspiring to kill him.  And the warning was not unfounded; Brutus and Cassius and the other senators killed Caesar on March 15.

For more information about the Ides of March (and the Ides of other months), go here.

I just ate the last of my Girl Scout cookies. Sad day. Come back to me, Samoas! (But I guess all I really have to do to get some more is visit any store that has a big enough entrance for the Girl Scout troops to camp out in. It's probably best if I stay away, though.) Why can't healthy food taste as good as chocolate?

Movie Mania

There's a serious storm going on outside. It's absolutely fabulous. I've always found storms to be oddly poetic. And there are few sounds I love more than the pounding of rain upon the ground or on window panes.

Here's a little food for thought: "The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to Him is not to believe that He loves you." ~John Owen.

In preparation for spring break, I'm compiling a list of movies to watch. Here's what I've got so far:

History of Violence
North Country
Good Night, and Good Luck
Napoleon Dynamite
Ice Age

Anyone have any other recommendations? I'll take new, old, or even amusingly terrible.

I Was Right!

My longtime readers will recall a question I posed almost a year ago:  Can a man and a woman be "just friends" and nothing more?  The question sparked quite an interesting debate, and even though some say it's possible, I remain firmly in the "it's highly unlikely" camp.  I don't think that persons of the opposite sex can be friends without one or the both of them developing some sort of attraction/interest in the other that will end up complicating the friendship.  And now my friends at Reader's Digest agree with me.  In this month's issue, columnist Jean Marie Laskas, a regular contributor to my most favoritest of magazines, answers "life's 25 toughest questions."  One of these questions is "Can a man and woman ever just be friends?"  Her answer:  "For a short time perhaps.  Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive.  Good luck!" 

Thoughts?  Discuss amongst yourselves!  I'm off to dye my hair.

Spring Isn't Quite Sprung

Well, I was right. Tomorrow the high is in the 70s, and then on Tuesday it's supposed to drop down to 50, with a low of 32. Yesterday they even had snow forecasted. Good grief. But that's Tennessee weather for you! (Any Unionites remember the time it snowed in April?)

I was so productive yesterday that I haven't done much of anything productive today. I have a paper due on Thursday, and I had planned on working on that yesterday, but instead I ended up doing all of my reading for the entire week and grading some papers (always a fun and amusing task). It was definitely a way of putting off work on my paper, but at least it got all of my other work out of the way. I don't recall having all of my reading done this much in advance since I started grad school. So to reward myself, I went shopping. Pretty much the entire mall was on sale, and I bought this super cute shirt for $5.99, which I wore to church this morning. It got glowing reviews. I also got my hair cut, and it was done perfectly because no one even noticed. All I wanted was a trim, but I can't tell you how many times the words "I just want a trim" has been interpreted as "Chop it all off!"

Jerry Bridges, author of about a zillion books on Christianity, was the guest speaker at church this morning, and he was wonderful. I will give a full report later after I've had time to really digest all of it. As Sorina said to me at one point, "I can't keep up with him!" Everything he said was worth writing down, which did mean a lot of hasty note-taking. I'm kind of torn about this church I've been visiting. There are a lot of wonderful things about it, but one thing that's missing is any type of invitation or presentation of the Gospel. There's also no baptismal that I'm aware of, so I'm going to have to ask around and find out what's what with these things. They're pretty important, in my opinon.

Two exciting realizations today: Tuesday night I get to see Greenwood in concert, and Thursday night marks the beginning of my Spring Break! Woohoo!

Do You Glow in the Dark?

Last week one of my colleagues in the writing center gave me a huge compliment, but within the compliment was a challenge. She was sharing about some events that have been going on in her life, and she said she noticed that she was different when she was around me. When I asked her what she meant, she said she could tell I was a Christian, and when we worked together she felt so much calmer and at peace. Then she asked to make sure I was a Christian, and I assured her that I absolutely was. Then she said, “It’s so obvious. I think if we turned off the lights you’d glow in the dark.”

I was stunned. I honestly had no idea it was that obvious, which is troubling in its own right. You see, I hadn't been making a conscious effort to be "Christian;" I'd just been living my life and being me. If God comes up in conversation, I contribute and share my ideas, but I haven't really been broadcasting my beliefs. I think it's probably clear from certain things that I'm different (my declaring once that I'd never been drunk certainly turned a few heads), but hearing someone affirm that my Christianity was evident was both encouraging and humbling. It reminded me that you really never know who is watching you and what they see, and it's so important that what people see in me is not me at all, but Christ. I'm not always very good at that. In fact, I often fail miserably. I don't think that I try to hide my Christianity, but her comment has made me think about how to be more outspoken about my faith. In a discipline like English that often attracts more worldly, liberal-minded people, I can see the potential for many opportunities to show myself as holy and set apart. So often I feel like I, and Christians in general, try to blend in with the world and be "cool," but are we not called to be cities on a hill and lights in the darkness? That requires standing out, not blending in. While sometimes my light may be dim, I hold fast to the promise that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion, and with His grace I know I can keep on glowing.



EDIT: It is so warm outside! I would like to think that the flip-flop weather is here to stay, but knowing the mercurial nature of Tennessee weather, I'm sure next week we'll have temps in the forties or something. I guess I need to enjoy it while I can!

Idols and Gum Sculptures

Aww, I'm so sad that Gedeon was eliminated! (Thanks for the info, Stef!) He was way better than some of the other guys, he's a Memphian, and he's just so smiley. What's not to love? And apparently one of my friends has his brother in her composition class, so it's like I'm 3 degrees from Gedeon.

If Mandisa doesn't become the next Idol, I'm never watching the show again. (And I say that every year I think, and yet here I am watching it again. Oh well.)

Ellen has the most random guests on her show. She just showed this clip of an elementary school teacher who can kick himself in the head with his foot. The guy demonstrated that, and then he proceeded to crush a can on his forehead, pop a balloon, and crack an egg, all with his foot. Then she had this guy who is a "gum sculptor," and he "sculpted" a little dolphin and then a turtle using his mouth. I have a few questions about these people. First, how in the world do you discover that you can do something like sculpt things with your mouth? And two, how can I learn something like that and get on national TV?

I'm teaching later today. We're talking about artistic depictions of religious deities, and I'm going to talk about my experience in Thailand and show them pictures of the Buddhist temples and shrines I visited. Should be fun.

On Coke and Protests

EDIT:  Two hours of sleep.  Awesome.  I wish someone would discover a medical cure for procrastination.

Okay, I know I'm updating like a crazy person, but I have this stupid project due tomorrow that I just can't seem to make myself work on, so I xanga instead!

You Are Coke

A true original and classic, you represent the best of everything you can offer. Just the right amount of sweet, just the right amount of energy... you're the life of the party. Your best soda match: Mountain Dew Stay away from:Dr Pepper

What Kind of Soda Are You?

 

So where's Mr. Mountain Dew?? And what's great about this is that I hate Dr. Pepper; I call it Dr. Puke.  Awesome.

In other news (that's becoming like the trademark thing for me to put in these posts; let's make it a trend and spread it around!), I got really excited when I first read the headline "Church to stop protesting at funerals" but then when I read the article, I realized the church in Kansas who protests at the funerals of those who fought in the war is only stopping protests in the states where it's been made illegal to do so.  Says the daughter of Fred Phelps, pastor of this church, "We're not going to get arrested.  We obey the law."  Well, how commendable of you!  Forget that you're breaking God's law by showing such complete hatred and disregard for other people.  Forget that protesting at funerals is certainly not the way to "win friends and influence people."  Forget that Christians are called to spread the gospel and promote the glory of God, not spread hate and breed bad feelings about Christianity.  Forget all of that.  You're not breaking any laws, so good for you. 

A Matter of Perspective

Giving up fast food for Lent is hard. Yesterday I was walking to my car, and a guy walked by me carrying a McDonald's bag. I caught a whiff of french fries (McDonald's french fries are my favorite fast food), and it was all I could do not to mug the guy for a bite of his tantalizing junk food. Then today I was going to the bank to cash a check, and I passed by Sonic. It was all I could do not to pull in and order some tater tots and a cherry limeade. As I was pondering these things, a verse popped into my head: "He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by HIS wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Suddenly, giving up french fries and tater tots didn't seem quite so difficult. Thinking of all that my Savior did (and does) for me quickly squelched any desires I had to give into the temptation of eating junk I don't even need in the first place.

I found out on Sunday that the forty days of fasting don't include the Sundays leading up to Lent, and at first I was all bummed because I had missed a chance to eat fast food, but then I decided that I probably won't stop the fast on Sundays. I don't want the reason I look forward to Sundays to be that I can eat McDonald's. I want to look forward to Sundays because I know it's a day I will have to join other believers in worshipping and celebrating Jesus Christ. We can look forward to that every Sunday, and every day, for that matter, but do we? How many times have I considered having to get up early for church more of a burden than a blessing? How many times have I opted to stay up later than I should on Saturdays because I'm "having fun" instead of going to bed a little earlier so getting up the next morning won't be such a struggle? If God sacrificed His only Son for a bunch of wretched sinners, the least I can do is sacrifice a little temporal entertainment and a few french fries.

I'll leave you with a poem to ponder:

Here I Am



Lord, here I am,

Your humble servant willing—

willing to live for You,

die for You,

sacrifice for You.



For any sacrifice I make

to gain more knowledge of Your name

indeed is not a sacrifice—

not a sacrifice but a blessing,

my heart’s chief delight.



Lord, here I am

asking You to make me new—

new like blossoms in the spring,

new as each morning’s sunrise,

so that I may cast aside my flesh.



For my flesh with all its base desires,

evil motives and impure thoughts

can have no part in Your holiness—

holiness which has no equal,

which needs not my self-righteous life.



Lord, here I am

pleading You to visit me

and bless me with Your presence—

a presence so amazing and wonderful

as to leave me speechless, in awe of You.



For You alone are God,

and You alone deserve my praise.

You, whose glory fills the heavens—

glory that cannot be seen by human eyes

or felt by human hands, yet encompasses love divine.



EDIT: Yes, I am aware of the evils of fast food, but that hasn't stopped me from eating it, unfortunately. It's more a matter of convenience than anything else; my schedule is kind of crazy and sometimes it's just easier to drive by someplace and get dinner or lunch instead of cooking it myself. But perhaps not eating it for 40 days will help wean me of it.

(And I haven't watched Super Size Me because I don't want to hate McDonald's, but maybe watching it is exactly what I need to do.)

Cheaters Never Win

Calling all girls:  Have you had your heart broken by an unfaithful man?  Post his picture and a list of his misdeeds on the Internet!  I tried to go to the site and read some of the entries, but you have to have a user name, and I don't care that much.  All jerks are the same; it's the ones who aren't jerks that are different and worth your time.

P.S.  I'm in no way implying that only males are jerks; on the contrary, females are equally as capable of being jerks, but it seems that males display their jerkiness more often or in ways that are much sleazier.

P.P.S.  Believe it or not, none of this is coming from personal experience.  All the guys I know are just idiots.  :winky:

EDIT:  For a glimpse into the mind of one guy who's not an idiot, visit Moose Max's site.

EDIT 2 (I'm totally procrastinating):  I'm so glad I didn't take the SAT.  They screwed up some people's scores.  Oops.  Just goes to show that technology isn't foolproof.  (As if any of us had doubts about that.) 

And OH MY GOSH, Mandisa, one of the final 8 on American Idol, just admitted to the viewing public that she sucked her thumb until she was TWENTY-FOUR (that's my age).  I don't know if she's brave or just stupid for confessing that.  Girl can sing, though. 

An Oldie but a Goodie

In a world where students are now citing facebook messages in academic papers and downloading summaries of the great classics onto their phones via text messages, it's so refreshing to read about this fabulous piece of old-fashioned technology.  Enjoy, my fellow bibliophiles!

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named:
BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere --even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable! ), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time.The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.



~Get your BOOK today!~

Good

Hello, friends!  I had the world's most perfect Saturday.  I went to Chattanooga (one of my favorite cities) with three girls, and we had such a blast!  (Two of the girls are from Florida and had never been, so it was fun to show them around.  One of them kept calling Chattanooga "Chattahootchie" because apparently that's the name of a mental hospital that's close to where she lived in Florida.)  I haven't laughed that much in a loooong time, and it felt so good.  It was my first time to meet one of the girls, and we really hit it off, and I feel like I made a new friend.  I also was introduced to all kinds of great music, like Amos Lee, Missy Higgins, Buddy Guy, Marc Broussard, to name a few.  We also rocked out to Creedence Clearwater Revival, which was fabulous.  To end our day, we went back to her apartment (which is uber-cute and made me completely envious) and ate tons of junk food and watched Pride and Prejudice.  (The newer version.  Sorry, Kathleen and Jessica, but I like it.)  The weather was lovely, Chattanooga was lovely, the company was lovely.  Lovely.

I feel like I am in such a wonderful place right now.  God is beyond good.

EDIT:  I thought I'd provide a visual depiction of yesterday's travels for your enjoyment.

This is downtown Chattanooga.  It's really beautiful, and aren't these trees gorgeous?  (I think they're Bradford pear trees, but I'm not sure so if anyone knows, let me know!)

After we went through Ruby Falls, there was an observation deck, and that's where I took this picture.  The letters are blurry, but it says "Lookout Mountain."

A nice little panoramic shot of the valley.

Chattanooga from a distance.  Everyone should visit Lookout Mountain in the fall because the view of the city and the trees is spectacular.

On our way back downtown, I yelled and said that we must pull over and visit this place:

I kid you not, there is a tow truck museum on the outskirts of town.  Not only that, but it's an international museum:

 

 

 

That's the rest of the sign.  I couldn't fit all of it in one frame, but it says "International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Musem."  We really wanted to go inside, but it was closed.  Can't imagine why; I woud have thought people would be coming to visit the museum in droves!

Gilmore Gab

It's that time of the week, folks: Gilmore Girls recap! So, as briefly as possible, here are this week's main events:

Lorelai and Christopher attend this journalism panel that Rory is apart of, and while there Lorelai offers to help Christopher with Gigi because he's having trouble keeping nannies. Why Lorelai didn't think to wonder why nannies don't stay around is beyond me. Also in this scene: the world's most forced laughter from a group of people.

Lane decides to advertise for a band because she misses playing, and Zach sees her flier, tears it down, and tracks down Brian and Gil to see if they want to get back together. Brian and Zack bond over some stupid video game, Zack makes nice, and the guys agree to reunite if Lane will come back. Zack promises to take care of Lane. Also in this scene: Gil performing this completely wacky version of "Hollaback Girl." It was awesome.

Rory attends Logan's sister's wedding and gets roped into hanging out with Honor and the bridesmaids before the ceremony. These girls are the most vapid, ridiculous girls ever, and while they're chatting it comes out that Logan "fooled around" with not one, not two, but THREE of the bridesmaids while he and Rory were broken up. (Oh, and girls, 1972 called, and it wants the hairstyles back.) Rory of course is completely flabbergasted and skips out on the wedding. When Logan finds her, he asks her what's up, and she confronts him about his "indiscretions." He acts all apologetic, saying she wasn't supposed to know about that (like that makes it better) and that it "meant nothing" and he was hurt and depressed and lonely and blah blah blah. I'm sorry, Logan, but in the real world, sleeping with people is not a cure for loneliness or depression. He also says they were broken up at the time, but Rory says that she thought they were "on a break" (yes, they did make that tired Friends reference), since typically when a couple breaks up both parties know about it. Despite Logan's insisting that he loves Rory, Rory's having none of it and leaves, telling him she's moving out.

Lorelai ends up watching Gigi, who has aged more than I think she should have since we last saw her, and she's a little hellion. She wrecks Lorelai's house, screams at the top of her lungs, and basically acts like a "feral hyena." (That was Lorelai's phrase, I believe.) When Christopher comes to get her, Lorelai tries to tell him that he needs to discipline her more. He flies completely off the handle, saying that she's just a little feisty and that how he raises his daughter is none of her business (except you continually make it her business Chris, by always going to her for help the minute you can't handle things), and the whole argument basically ends with him storming out in a rage. For the last time, Chris, GROW UP.

Zack shows up at Luke's during Lane's shift and asks to talk to her. He then launches into this completely adorable speech about how he "doesn't feel good" at all since they broke up, and then I almost fall off the sofa when he asks Lane to marry him. She's all like, "What?" (as is the rest of the viewing audience), but he says he's thought about this, and he even has a ring that he got from a pawn shop. He says he knows it's not what she deserves, but it's all he could afford, and it's sweet. Lane says yes, they hug, and the whole diner applauds. Aww.

After leaving Honor's wedding, Rory ends up at a bar drowning her sorrows with alcohol. (Also not the cure for loneliness or depression.) While there, she runs into Doyle, who has been kicked out of the apartment by Paris, who has completely gone off the deep end. The two bond over how "love hurts" and they have an awkward moment where a drunken Doyle tries to kiss Rory. Rory puts a quick end to that, and retreats to the only place she knows to go: Paris' apartment. The two experience a sweet reconciliation, bond over how "boys suck," and Paris offers to let Rory move in.

Thoughts: First, Logan's a jerk. But it's not as though Rory hasn't had her share of "indiscretions." (Anyone remember Dean?) And I have a feeling that we haven't seen the end of Rory and Logan, although I wonder what in the world Logan's going to do to get her back. He pretty much exhausted his "forgive me" tactics with their last breakup.

Second, I can't wait to see how Mrs. Kim responds to the engagement. She's been a lot more mellow recently, but I can't believe she'll be all hunky-dory with Lane marrying Zack. But wouldn't it just be like the writers to have Zack and Lane get married at the end of this season instead of Luke and Lorelai, the couple we've been waiting to see married for SIX SEASONS? (I wonder: would we perhaps see a Mr. Kim if Lane were to get married? Or at least find out why we never see him?)

I don't like how Lorelai and Christopher have been thrown together so much recently, especially since things with Luke and Lorelai are so strained. I understand Lorelai's willingness to help out with Gigi, since she's successfully raised a daughter on her own. Furthermore, Luke's unwillingness to include Lorelai in April's life no doubt makes her feel useless, so helping Christopher with Gigi will help her feel needed, which I think is really important to Lorelai. Luke better wake up and get a clue soon, or I'm going to have to break up with him. I'll do it, too!

That's all for now! Have a great weekend, friends! I'm going on a little road trip tomorrow, so I'll see you Sunday.

Tests Suck

I had my Renaissance lit midterm today, and it did not go well. I didn't even finish the test. I haven't had a test in this format in almost three years, and so I was completley out of the practice of pacing myself so I'd have enough time to cover each section. What I did manage to get out on paper (all 7 pages of it) isn't even that good. Oh well.

I'll blog about Gilmore Girls when I'm feeling more chipper. Sorry.

EDIT: I'm 29 visitors away from 15,000. Who wants to help me get there?!

Mystery Gift

EDIT:  I've decided to observe Lent this year.  (For a good, concise overview of the tradition of Lent, visit Mary's site.)  I really like the idea, and I think it will help me to stay focused on Christ.  After thinking long and hard about something I could give up that would really hurt to give up, I decided that fast food is it.  I eat fast food probably three times a week, usually because I either a) don't feel like cooking, b) am in a hurry, or c) don't feel like cooking.  I shudder to think of my clogged arteries and empty wallet, and I think that by eliminating fast food for Lent I'll not only eat healthier, but I'll be reminded of Jesus and His sacrifice for me a LOT because I crave McDonald's french fries on a daily basis.  The only problem I'm having is deciding just what does and does not constitute "fast food."  Is Quizno's fast food?  What about Smoothie King?  Ice cream places?  So in order to limit confusion, I think I've determined that fast food is any place that has a drive-thru.  That seems to be a pretty good dividing line, don't you think?  I'm up to other suggestions, if you have them!

So I go outside earlier to head to my composition class, and I see this on our doorstep.  Who's leaving us random Christmas animals?  Come on, fess up!  :happy:

If we're going to be getting random objects outside our door, why can't they be something more along the lines of daisies or jewelry?  I like that much better!