This morning was my last as a Sunday School teacher. I made picture frames for my girls and put the picture we took at Easter in it, and then I printed out a poem I wrote on this cute paper and also brought those yummy pink frosted cookies with sprinkles. I didn't have a planned lesson; I just spoke from my heart and let them know how much I love them and shared with them some things I want them to remember as they get older and grow in Christ. They said they would miss me, and you know, I actually believed them. :)

I don't know that I have much else to say about camp. It was weird being an adult and not a camper, but also kind of nice. I didn't expect to really get a lot out of the services and stuff, but they had Bible studies for the adults that were really good, and the camp pastor gave some really awesome, God-honoring messages. If not for the rather cramped living conditions (18 girls in one room that was about 1 1/2 times the size of my bedroom, which is not that big), it would have been a perfect week. I really enjoyed spending time on the beach and hanging out with the girls. There are some pretty cool gals in the youth group, and it was great getting to know some of them.

What wasn't great is coming home with loads of laundry to do, all of my possessions to pack, and 594 messages in my junk mail folder. Yay. I really hate packing, and I have so much of it to do, so I haven't done anything besides the three boxes I packed before I left for camp. I guess I should do that now. (Or maybe I'll go delete all that infernal junk mail.)

I'm back and I'm tired, but I just thought I'd check in. I arrived back at home just in time for a nice 8 ounce filet. Yummy! More on camp tomorrow, possibly. Highlights: the preaching was fabulous! Just truth truth truth, no sugar-coating to be found. And some authentic worship, which I don't always experience. Heaven is going to be mind-blowing, isn't it?

Quotes of the week:
"Shut the door!"
"What time is it?" (directed at me at least 80 times a day because no one wears a watch)
"Ouch, a jellyfish!"
"Mmm, corn dogs!" (You had to be there.)
"Whose _____ (shirt, towel, toothbrush, etc.) is this??"
"It's so HOT!"
"I met a guy!" (spoken by 2/3 of the girls on the trip at one time or another)

I got a surprise tonight! Last night Ashley (one of the girls from church) called and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner tonight with some other people, and I said sure and figured it would be some of the girls, and that was that. But then when I got there, I saw Daniel holding some balloons, and when I asked him who they're for, he said, "They're for you." And they were! Turns out Ashley and April and a few others had planned the whole thing as a sort of going away dinner for me! I even got to wear this totally snazzy flashing smiley face on my shirt. I felt so special! There ended up being about 11 people there, and even though we had to sit at 2 different booths, it was really fun. Then we went over to Alison's house and watched Mr. Deeds, which they let me pick out since it was "my night." I love that movie; it absolutely cracks me up. (If there hadn't been boys there I totally would have picked Sense and Sensibility, but I decided to be nice.) I love surprises! And balloons! And nice friends! And laughing! And feeling loved! And Jesus! That's all. (That's all of my post, not all that I love. I could go on forever about that.)

Well kids, I'm afraid I have some sad news. Tomorrow morning at 5 am I am leaving for Panama City with the youth group for camp. That means no updates until next Saturday. I know you will all probably have to form a 12-step program, but I know you can get through it. Support each other, share each others' burdens, ease the pain with friendly conversation...or just go about your normal lives. I will miss reading your posts (and of course getting lots of eprops), but I will be back! I hope you all have a wonderful week, and I look forward to hearing all about it! Now I'm off to bed since I have to get up at an hour only nocturnal animals are fond of.

So, I'm in freak-out mode at present. I was looking at my statement from UT online today, and I owe $3000. I don't have $3000. And I didn't think I was going to even have to pay $3000. According to my award letter, it was going to be 1/3 of that. I am hoping and praying and praying some more that it's an error because if it's not I really don't know what I'll do. I don't know if it's too late to take out a loan, but that's the only thing I can think of doing right now. Either that or putting it on my credit card, and I'd rather chop off my arm than do that.

Ugh! I hate money! I've already been stressing about it because this trip to Seattle was so amazing and great and just what I needed, but it's left me with a pretty deflated bank account, and I hate that I'm going into grad school already feeling the financial strain. I know if I can just make it through this first year I'll be fine because my pay will almost double once I actually start teaching, but until then? I don't know. And it's occurred to me as I'm typing this that I'm revealing how small my faith really is. I think I read somewhere that our faith is most evident in how we respond to trials/events in our lives, and that means I'm pretty much flunking the faith test right now. I have seen God provide time and time again, so why do I continue to doubt Him? Why do I flip out the minute something goes even remotely counter to what I've planned? Why can't I just take Him at His Word? How can He love me? I don't even love myself at present, and for more reasons than I can list at present. Oh, I know He does love me, but it's just insanely difficult to really know it deep down sometimes, you know? I think what I need is to get off this stupid computer and go pray. May you all sleep in peace. I know I need to!

EDIT: Okay, so it's a new day and I'm feeling a lot better. I need to quit writing on my xanga the minute I start wanting to "emote" because I end up sounding like a crazy person. Then again, it makes me feel better to let it all out, so maybe I'll continue allowing the masses a glimpse into my emotional world! Thanks to all of you who left supportive comments; I really love my Xanga friends!

I talked to my parents about it this morning and they weren't mad, which is what I thought they would be (I don't know why). Instead, they don't think it's a big deal and they told me they'd help me work things out and not to worry about the money. So then I felt two feet tall because I'm always underestimating them, and God, for that matter. I'm trying not to give it any more thought right now because I can't do anything about it right now anyway. I wish I had an on/off switch for my brain. Then I could control when I did and did not feel like thinking, you know? Oh well. I hope you're all enjoying your (hot) Saturdays! I've been going through my eighty million books trying to decide which ones to take with me and which ones to leave behind, and it's very difficult! I want to take them all with me because all of my books are close personal friends, but I just won't have the room for them (much less the time to actually read any of them), so choose I must! I have also done three loads of laundry and packed some boxes, and I've only been up since noon, so I'm doing good!

Well, I'm finally at home. I just got back about two hours ago, and I'm tired, but I wanted to give you faithful readers a little something until I can write a more substantial post.

Highlights since my last post:

1. I finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (I just typed that Pooter, haha) on Tuesday night, and I bawled at the end. I knew the sad thing would happen, but I still hated when it did. (I'm trying to be vague in case there's someone reading this who hasn't read all of it yet.)
2. Seattle's Underground Tour and the Experiencing Music Project
3. Fun times with Kathleen and Jessica and Emily.
4. Seeing the sunset over the watter in Seattle.
5. Kelly Clarkson's concert last night in Nashville.

More later! I will try and catch up on all of your posts as soon as I can! Some of you got comments from me already because your posts were short and/or few, but others I promise I will get to later! And since this background has been on here for over a week, look for changes coming to a computer screen near you!

Well, this is my last real day in Seattle. I fly out tomorrow morning. Yesterday we went to Pike Place Market and walked around, and I bought presents for my family, this really awesome bag for me, and we visited the first Starbucks! (That was for you, Elizabeth!) Then we drove down to the waterfront before going to UW and taking a tour of The Purple Door (the BCM building where Emily works) and seeing parts of the campus. UW is HUGE and GORGEOUS! I would totally love to teach there some day. Then we went and had bubble tea (which is hard to explain, but it's really yummy) and headed back to Redmond. I got to meet one of Emily's good friends, Jodie, and we had chicken spaghetti and watched a movie. After that Emily worked on her VBS stuff and I read, and it was so relaxing and comfortable, and I am so thankful for this time I've had with her.

Today we are going to take the Underground Tour of Seattle and go to the Experiencing Music Project, which should be lots of fun, as well as going on a ferry ride! Yay! I love this town! Hope everyone else has a fabulous day, and let's all start praying now that my luggage makes it back to the right place tomorrow.

Stolen from Elizabeth!

F i r s t s
First best friend: Heather Cain
First car: 1991 Mitsubishi Mirage
First screen name: HetzPretz
First self purchased album: dc Talk, Jesus Freak
First pets: my psycho dog Sandy
First enemy: hmm, I don't really know...
First big trip: Gulf Shores in the third grade
First music you remember hearing in your house: Heart

L a s t s
Last car ride: with Emily coming back from Seattle!
Last good cry: Well, it depends on the context of "good." If by "good" you mean full blown sobbing, then that would be Thursday night when I didn't have my luggage and I had to throw down $200 for a rental car.
Last movie seen: Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason.
Last beverage drank: Diet Coke
Last food consumed: Raisin Bran Crunch
Last crush: Ummm...
Last phone call: Lindsay
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: my brown flip-flops
Last item bought: a UW sweatshirt

R e l a t i o n s h i p s
Who are your very best friends? Emily, Marya, Lindsay, Sarah

F a s h i o n | S t u f f
Where is your favorite place to shop? Target

S p e c i f i c s
Do you do drugs? no
What kind of shampoo do you use? usually some kind of Suave (it's cheap!)
What are you most scared of? failure and rejection
What are you listening to right now? nothing
Where do you want to get married? in a church (or in Italy, but I'm not holding out for that one)
How many buddies are online right now? I don't know, I'm not on AIM right now
What would you change about yourself? my weight, obviously

F a v o r i t e s
Color: purple
Food: grapes, ice cream
Subjects in school: English
Animals: dolphins and giraffes
Sports: basketball
Perfume: Tommy Girl or Body by Victoria
Cologne: Hugo

H a v e | Y o u | E v e r
Smoked? gag me
Made yourself throw up? yes
Skinny dipped? nope
Been in love? I'm gonna go with no.
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Probably, but I can't think of a specific instance right now
Pictured a crush naked? Eww, no
Cried when someone died? yes
Lied? yes
Fallen for your best friend? Yes, it's why I have no male best friends
Been rejected? many times
Rejected someone? Not unless you count random guys who asked for my number. And I guess dumping is rejection, so yeah, I've rejected someone.
Used someone? I hope not!
Done something you regret? Of course

C u r r e n t
Clothes: pajama pants and my UW sweatshirt (I've been freezing the whole time I've been here!)
Music: none
Annoyance: Seattle traffic
Smell: Cotton Blossom body splash
Favorite Artist: Thomas Kincaid (jk!) Monet or van Gogh
Desktop picture: picture of me and Elizabeth! :)
DVD in player: none

A r e | Y o u
Open Minded: I hope so
Arrogant: Probably more than I'd like to think
Interesting: to my mom I am!
Moody: At times
Hardworking: Yes
Organized:With the exception of my room, my life is very organized.
Healthy: HA!
Attractive: occasionally
Bored: not at the moment
Responsible: On my good days
Obsessed: I do have obsessive tendencies
Angry: no
Sad: no
Disappointed: No
Hyper: It's too early right now, but once Emily gets back from VBS, I'm sure I will be.
Trusting: Yes, to a fault.
Talkative: It depends
Legal: yes

W h o | D o | Y o u | W a n n a
Kill: Barney (jk)
Slap: Good grief, this is a violent section!
Talk to Online: Elizabeth, Eddie, or Meghan

W h i c h | I s | B e t t e r
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Flowers or Candy? Flowers (daisies or tulips, please!)
Tall or Short: Tall
Thick or Thin: in between
Long or Short Hair: On guys? Short most definitely.

R a n d o m
in the morning I am: a little groggy and slow-moving
all I need is: Jesus and relationships
what do you notice on a person first: smile
last person you danced with: I don't even remember...some guy I went to Cardinal Ball with like 3 years ago??
who makes you laugh the most: Emily, Daniel, Steven
who makes you smile? my friends
who gives you a funny feeling when you see them? I don't know...
who do you have a crush on: no comment
who has a crush on you? Hmm, I'm gonna go with no one.

I wrote this on the plane, and then I couldn't find it because I wrote it on the back of my boarding pass. But here it is.

Flying Over Montana

When the plane takes off, I like to close
my eyes and pretend
the wings are extensions of my arms
and I am taking flight--
haltingly at first, but then with greater
ease and fluidity.

The air from the overhead vents
becomes the cool zephyr
of the heavens, and I open my eyes
to soak in the proximity of the sun's rays.

Below me, the mountain ridges are a verdant ocean,
smooth and velvety,
and I imagine the way it was at Creation--
God sprawling across His handiwork
and radiating light, His hands etching out
crevasses and fields, rivers and streams,
into a patchwork quilt of wonder
that spreads before me now--
both an invitation and an offering.

Now I'm off to go be a tourist.

The wedding was beautiful. I cried unabashedly, but then I almost always cry at weddings, especially if I feel deeply connected to the people and I've witnessed their love story, and marriage is such a profound and beautiful thing and I get overwhelmed when I see that commitment being made and know the people making it are godly and serious and steadfast and wonderful. (I wonder what the record is for the longest sentence ever.) I'm going to share Becca and Matthew's story because it's amazing.

Six years ago in Boca Raton, Florida, Becca wrote a poem called "What the Heart Sees" that basically talks about how easy it is to judge a person's appearance rather than their heart, and she emailed it to a bunch of her friends. In Sumner, Washington, a guy named Matthew received the poem as a forward that had been passed on several different times. He was so moved by it that he traced it back to the original sender, Becca, and emailed her. They began exchanging emails and getting to know each other. Matthew knew long before Becca that there was something more to their relationship, but it took Becca a little longer (about 4 years longer, actually) to realize the same. Occasionally he would bring up the idea of that "something more," but Becca said she didn't feel the same. About a year and a half ago they began talking on the phone regularly, and God began opening her heart to the possibility of allowing Matthew to pursue her in a romantic way. Their emails and phone calls increased, and in April of last year, Matthew journeyed to Tennessee where Becca was in school (and living with me!), and spent ten days with her. After that, both Becca and Matthew knew this was it. Becca went to Washington to visit Matthew later that August, and she came back engaged. I remember picking her up from the airport and her showing me the ring and us jumping up and down, and I could just see the Lord in it. I watched Becca falling in love, and it was so beautiful, and so pure. They both love God so much and long to glorify Him with their relationship, and they've had several obstacles to overcome, but they've seen God provide in countless ways that told them He brought them together. Amazing. God is such a romantic. And the best thing is: poetry had its hand in bringing them together. Sigh.

My trip has been so much fun. Seeing Emily again is like being with myself, weird as that sounds. We just click. We can laugh hysterically and then the next minute we talk about God. It does my heart worlds of good. Tomorrow we're going to Emily's church and then we're going to Mars Hill Sunday night, which is some church in downtown Seattle that's supposed to be really neat. Then next week we have plans to go to the waterfront, to Pike Place Market, the Underground Tour, and various and sundry other tourist-y things. I am SO excited! It is absolutely gorgeous; every time I step outside I just want to applaud God because it's so glorious.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands." Psalm 19:1

The good news: I made it to Seattle in one piece.

The bad news: They lost my luggage. All I have right now are 4 books, my iPod, some makeup, and some $7 pajamas I bought last night at Wal-Mart to sleep in. Please pray that they find my luggage! I REALLY can't afford to buy all new clothes, and I had about 8 days' worth of clothing packed. Ugh! The thing that stinks about this (besides the colossal inconvenience) is the fact that I had a wonderful time flying here. I finished reading Captivating, and it really opened my eyes to some things, and on the last of my 3 flights (no wonder they lost my luggage!) I just spent the whole time watching the mountains pass by and worshiping God. It was such a sweet, intimate time, and then I got off the plane and spent 2 hours in the airport trying to hunt down my luggage to no avail, and then I get my rental car, and it's going to cost me almost $200 to rent it for 2 days! I think I cried about a gallon of tears last night, but I've calmed down today and have recognized this as an attack from Satan, and I will not let him get me down! My God is BIG enough to handle something as small as luggage. Please pray!

P.S. I am almost positive Amy Grant was on my flight from Nashville to Minneapolis/St. Paul. I was reading, and once when I looked up, I saw her standing in the aisle up in first class, and she was shaking someone's hand and signing something. If it wasn't her, it had to have been her twin because it looked just like her!

EDIT: About 30 minutes after I wrote this, the airline called and told me they found my luggage, and I now I have it safely in my possession! Praise the Lord! I am SO relieved! Thanks for praying.

In typical Seattle fashion, it's raining, but it's so gorgeous here that I don't even care. I have been driving around kind of exploring, and it's just glorious. I am so excited! And tomorrow my dear friend Becca is getting married, and it's going to be so lovely! I love weddings!

I'm never buying an SUV. I'm driving my parents' Ford Explorer while mine is in the shop getting the dent removed, and I just spent $36 filling up on gas! That's ridiculous! And what's even more ridiculous is that the tank was full on Sunday! And tomorrow I get to drive it to Nashville. Yay. It looks cool and everything, but it's just not worth it, in my opinion.

Okay, so my daddy just gave me gas money. I have the most amazing parents in the world. It's like they can read my mind or something.

EDIT: My boss just gave me my last paycheck, and they paid me for the whole week, even though I'm only working 3 days! When I asked him about it, he said, "Just think of it as a parting gift." Aww! God is so good because I can really use the money, as this trip to Seattle is becoming more expensive by the minute. Praise the Lord!

It's finally come. My last day of work. I can't believe it, really. I looked forward to this day coming for so long and now it's here, and it's kind of weird. I've been training one of the guys in the warehouse to do my job, and it's been a bit of a challenge because I'm a control freak, so I end up wanting to just do everything myself because I know it'll be faster and better, but then how would he learn anything? It's not like I was Speedy Gonzales when I started, either, but I have a rose-colored memory, so I recall the quick way I figured everything out and never messed up. Riight. It's been a lesson in patience for me too because he has been slow in catching on, and I've had to correct some of his mistakes, but it's good because I really need to quit expecting people to live up to my standards. I don't even live up to my standards! I think it will also be something to remember when I'm grading freshman papers and wondering how these students passed third grade. Perspective, Erin, perspective.

I will be in Knoxville in less than a month. I am so ecstatic, but also a little trepidacious (I'm not sure that's a word, but it seems to work, so there). I love change, but at the same time I hate it because I have to get used to new surroundings and new people and new driving routes and everything. I think if I were to name my 3 biggest fears related to moving to Knoxville/starting grad school, they would be 1)That everyone will think I'm a big nerd and they won't like me; 2)That I will get an F on my first big paper and have a breakdown in front of my professor; and 3)That I'll be the dumbest one there. Of course these are incredibly illogical fears, but then most fears are, aren't they? Fear starts out with a semblance of reality, but then it balloons into a preposterous something that will more than likely never happen. Take the first fear, for example. There's no way everyone in the city of Knoxville will hate me (I already know Elizabeth and David like me); plus, I think it's safe to bet I won't be the only nerd either. I am going to be around English folk, and they can be pretty nerdy. (But in a very cool sort of way, of course.) As for my second fear, well, that one is a little more probable, but not so much so, as I've never even made a C on a paper before, so I'd hope to start there before moving straight to F, and I'd also like to think I have enough intelligence to at least make a D, not an F. The third fear? Well, I am going to hope that there is at least one person dumber than me in the English department, and if there's not I'll just pretend there is because I really couldn't stand to be the dumb one. Aren't I an arrogant piece of work? (And isn't it peculiar how one can be arrogant and yet terribly insecure at the same time? It's possible, you know. I'm proof of that.) I just have to remember what my favorite professor told me about grad school: "You're never as dumb as you think you are, and your grad school colleagues are never as smart as they would like you to think." Or something like that. I think there's a lot of truth to that. I imagine all of us first years will be trying to outsmart and outperform and out-think the rest, and I hope I can get past all of that and just focus on working hard, being myself, and reflecting Christ. Then the rest will take care of itself, wouldn't you say?

Now before I lose you all completely, I thought I'd give you all an idea of what my next few weeks are going to look like, as some of you have asked why in the world I'm quitting my job so early. So here's a timeline for you:

July 14-20: Seattle (to attend a wedding and visit one of my favorite people in the world-Emily Vassar!)
July 20 (evening)-22: Nashville (to visit another friend and attend the Kelly Clarkson concert-yippee skippy!)
July 23-24: At home briefly
July 25-30: In Panama City at Centrifuge with my church's youth group (I'm hoping Pananma City wasn't too ravaged by Dennis)
July 31-Aug.3: At home, packing in a frenzy, getting my haircut, having my vision checked
Aug. 4: Moving to Knoxville!

I imagine my posts will be a bit more sporadic, especially during youth camp, but try not to mourn too much. It isn't healthy.

So my head is in danger of exploding from all of the ego-boosting I'm getting today. I've been telling customers and factory reps that tomorrow is my last day so they won't be taken completely by surprise, and here is just a sampling of the responses I've gotten:

"Well, darn! What the heck are Jim and Jerry gonna do without you? They don't know nothin'!" (Edited for content. More "colorful" language was used.)

"Girl, that sure is good for you, but sad for the rest of us."

"Oh boy, we're in trouble now."

"Well shoot, you mean I'm gonna have to talk to them knuckleheads?"

I think I just might be missed. More later!

It's been raining here pretty much all day, but in the immortal words of Relient K, I'm feeling "sunny with a high of 75 since He took my heavy heart and made it light." Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!

I don't have much to write (I know, I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock), so I'm just going to recommend that everyone read this awesome poem.

Thoughts to post on later: final days of work, moving to Knoxville, fear.

Out of the mouths of babes:

This morning in Sunday School I only had 2 girls, so I do what I do when there are only a few of them: I took them to Burger King for breakfast. (We go to Starbucks sometimes, too, but that's a little rougher on my wallet.) So they're talking about boys (surprise), and I'm trying to tell them that "going out" with boys is a waste of time and they should wait until they're older, there are more important things than having a boyfriend, yada yada yada, and then I say, "Look at me: I'm 23, and I'm doing great alone, aren't I?" (Remember these girls are 12 and 13.) Then one of them (Hannah Mott, for you BBC folks who may know her) says, "You might look fine on the outside, but on the inside you are crying."

What in the world?? How do they come up with stuff like that?? I just cracked up because I didn't really know what else to do. And now I'm sitting here wondering if she views me as some pathetic shell of an individual because I'm not married, and if she really thinks I spend my time mourning my lack of a boyfriend/husband. That makes me sad to think about. I only have a few more weeks with these girls, and I just wonder if I've taught them anything at all. I want them to know they are beautiful, precious, and loved by God, and that this is worth more than a thousand boyfriends or Beja purses. I don't want them to do what I did and go through their teen years thinking that they are worthless and fat and ugly because they don't have a boyfriend. But I don't know if they've learned any of that. Maybe they have. I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe for our final class together I'll write them each a letter, so they can have a tangible reminder of all I want (and God wants) for them. What do you think?

Currently reading: Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

I just started reading this book (like I'm on page 25), but this quote, among other things, really jumped off the page for me.

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

At some point, I have to allow myself to grow into the woman of God I was designed to be, or I will shrivel up and die. And it will be fear that deals the crushing blow.

You want to know the secret of life?

"I have found the answer is to know You and be loved by You alone." ~Shane Barnard and Shane Everett, "The Answer" (also the same song where the quote in my header can be found)

I introduced Elizabeth to my friends Shane and Shane (along with my friends Journey, Jars of Clay, Bethany Dillon, and Steven Curtis Chapman, among others) on our drive yesterday, and I've been thinking about the aforementioned song ever since. John 3:30 said it first: "He must become greater; I must become less." It's all about Him. It's not about my glory, my desires, my fame, but His. It seems so simple, but the human instinct is to glorify self, satisfy self, cater to self. How many times have I sung "It's all about You, Jesus, and all this is for You," but instead of truly deepdeep down meaning the words, I've just been singing along, harmonizing because I knew it sounded good? I want praise. I've said it before: I'm a praise-driven individual. I think that's part of the reason why it killed me whenever I made a B in anything. And it was worse if the B was from someone I admired and respected and aspired to be like. Seeing an A on a paper is one of the biggest thrills for me, and yet what does it matter in the long run? Ten years from now, will anyone remember me for that, or care? Ten years from now I hope I don't even care! Yet I drove myself practically insane in college chasing that often-elusive praise, chasing after the wind, and as I'm preparing to enter graduate school one of my biggest fears remains the grade I will get on my first paper because I know there is the potential for me to be devastated. And for what? I wish I could feel as passionately for the lost as I do about my grades. How differently I would live! Grades are temporal; people are forever.

I was talking to Steven just a few minutes ago about how I hated going to bat when playing softball because I felt everyone was looking at me and it made me feel pressured, and he just told me to picture God thinking, "Come on, Erin, you can do this." And there was just something incredibly profound about that. Not that God's cheering me on at softball games necessarily, but that He's on my side at all. That He is looking down on me with love, urging me on to the right things, toward the pure and beautiful and lovely and excellent and praiseworthy. But I miss that because I'm so people-centered and not God-centered. And really, it would be more accurate to say I'm just plain ol' me-centered because most of the time I'm only looking to other people to validate my existence, to give my life meaning, so it's really all about me. I know that really we're all me-centered, so I think I am just now beginning to understand the idea of "we love Him because He first loved us." For it can really be no other way. We'd be much too busy loving ourselves to consider loving others were it not for The Love.

Oh, that I may truly be able to sing in a triumphant, comprehending kind of voice, "My happiness is found in less of me and more of You, Jesus!" He is, after all, the Glorious Everything.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~2 Corinthians 4:18

Well, my poor car just can't get a break. Yesterday when Elizabeth and I were coming back from Knoxville, I noticed one of my tires was low, so I put air in it. Well, this morning when I went outside to leave for work, it was completely flat. So I called AAA, and they said someone would be there "within the hour." (I called at 7:30). An hour and a half later they still hadn't come, I was late for work and just sitting in my car reading a book, when our next-door neighbor passes me while edging his yard. He asks me if I need help, and when I told him the situation, he changed it for me! Of course, he had barely begun when the AAA guy showed up, but my neighbor just finished it. He was super nice and helpful, and I was so grateful he took the time to get a little dirty and change my tire. So that's 2 neighbors I've met in the past 2 days, and all because of my car. Go figure. I sure am thankful for the kindness of strangers, though!

By the way, Elizabeth and I had a lot of fun spending about 12 hours together. And she bought me lunch when it totally should have been the other way around! We are going to have so much fun living together. We officially have an apartment to move into in Knoxville, and I set my move-in date for August 4. It's so exciting to think about having our own place! I can't wait!!

Only 3 and a half days of work left!!! Woohoo!!!!! (I'm not excited much, though.)

Today I saw not one but three homeless men on street corners: one on the way to work, one on my lunch break, and one on the way home. I gave the first one the remaining cash I had on hand, and gave the second one some crackers I had just bought, but when I saw the third one, I didn't give him anything. I was stopped at a light and he was standing about 3 feet away from me, and I did nothing. I had just gone through the drive-thru at Wendy's because my parents eat at church on Wednesday nights, so I could have given him my dinner. Instead, I did everything but look in his direction. Then when the light turned green and I had driven off I was filled with remorse. Why had I done that? He could have been really hungry, and I ignored him. Then when I got home, I found out that there was no church dinner tonight and that my mom had cooked, and so I didn't even eat my Wendy's. I could have given it to him, and I didn't.

This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it is to me. My junior year of college I had an experience with a homeless man that I will not ever forget, and since then I have always done what I could whenever I see homeless people. I told myself I would never ignore them or let my busy-ness or fear get in the way of helping someone in need. Does not Jesus Himself say, "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me?"

Then I started thinking about the times I have given, and I can't honestly say that every time has been out of love. Sometimes it's out of guilt--guilt of having more than they do, guilt about not giving, etc., and isn't that just as bad as if I didn't give? I did the right thing maybe, but for the wrong reason. There are a lot of people who say, "Oh, you never know what they're really going to do with the money. They could be alcoholics or druggies. I'd rather give my money to something else." But I don't think it's our place to decide whether or not we "trust" the person who seems to be in need. I'd rather give out of love than not give out of cynicism, and let my gift be on the conscience of the recipient. If the person decides to spend my money on drugs, well, I think they'll reap what they sow.

I don't know that I have a point to this except to say that I don't think we can ever regret being generous.

And on a completely different note, we just now met one of our neighbors. You know why? Her sister-in-law backed into my car while pulling out of the driveway and left a nice big dent in the rear driver's side door. Now I have the hassle of getting the insurance mess straightened out as well as getting the car fixed sometime within the next three weeks, 2 of which I will not even be in town. How fun. I suppose I should be grateful that I can still drive it, since I have to go to Knoxville tomorrow, but honestly I'm just frustrated and annoyed. I have the worst luck with cars. Seriously: first car: totaled by my brother; second car: totaled by a tornado; third car: damaged by hail in another tornado (had a lot of body work done on it), not to mention dents on the front and rear bumpers from being hit in parking lots. Maybe I should start using public transportation.

Yesterday was probably in the top 10 of best days ever. Here's why:

1. I got to see two friends I haven't seen in a while, but we had so much fun it was like we'd never been apart.
2. We spent three hours in Cracker Barrel talking. The conversation was interesting and got quite lively, but I don't think details are necessary. Suffice it to say we all left with things to think about. (And I'm pretty sure we annoyed the Cracker Barrel staff because we occupied a table for 3 hours, but finished eating in about 30 minutes.)
3. I laughed more yesterday than I have laughed in YEARS. Seriously, if laughter caused weight loss, I'd weigh 80 pounds.
4. We went bowling, and even though we had to wear the shoes without socks because we didn't want to pay $3 to buy some, it didn't matter because we had fun. (Hopefully we won't develop some sort of fungus. Ew.)
5. We reminisced. Very fun.
6. Starbucks was visited, and that just makes all things wonderful.
7. We played Scattergories, and I kicked butt. I have never lost a game of Scattergories. Any takers?
8. We had moments of silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable, it was just cozy.
9. We covered pretty much every part of Memphis in our travels.
10. I think we ended up spending about 10 hours together, but I could have spent 10 more and not been sick of the company. That is the mark of good friendship.

I love holidays. I love friends. I love life. I love Jesus, who loved me first.

Well, last night was kind of depressing for me. My parents and I went to the mall, and I couldn't find any clothes! I get so frustrated with being fat because a) there aren't nearly as many clothes to choose from; b) the clothes there are often aren't clothes I want to wear until I'm retired and living in Florida or something; and c) the clothes that are cute cost an arm and a leg. So last night after we got back I wrote a nice long entry in my journal and watched a sad movie. (Wit with Emma Thompson. If you haven't seen it, you need to because it's amazing. Heartbreakingly beautiful.)

I just don't know what my problem is. I hate being overweight, I know it's unhealthy and that I'm at risk for diabetes because it runs rampant in my family, and I know I can lose some weight, but I can't get beyond just hating the way I look long enough to actually do anything about it. How disgusting am I? Is it going to take my having a heart attack at 25 for me to do something about this? It would certainly help if I liked healthy foods like vegetables and stuff, but I don't really, and it's so hot outside that the thought of even attempting to exercise makes me want to cringe. Nights like last night get me motivated for about half a second, but then today I was at Target and found this adorable suit and it made me feel better. I must have some sort of illness.

I struggle with being angry at God because it seems like so many other people can eat whatever they want and not really have to worry about gaining weight, whereas I look at food and it immediately latches onto my thighs. But I know that's wrong. I just read in Isaiah that I have no right to quarrel with my Maker. He certainly knows what He's doing. I just hate my body sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. I hate how I always feel like the fattest person in the room; I hate feeling dread whenever I simply walk past a bathing suit display; I hate having to constantly think about what I'm eating is causing me to gain. Most of all, I think I hate how I'm too lazy to change it, and how that must displease my Lord. Jesus, help me help myself.

This is courtesy of Julie.

1. What are the top 5 characteristics you want in your future husband? (yep, I'm going there:)) Only 5? Hmm...a)Well, he must make me laugh. Laughter is very important to me. b)He must put the Lord first in our relationship. c)He must want children and get along well with them. d)He must challenge me to think more deeply about my walk with Christ and also everyday topics. e)He must share my love of music. He doesn't have to be a great singer or play an instrument, but he's got to love music b/c I like to sing and play the guitar so he'll have to encourage me in those things. f)He must be driven. I'm not saying he has to have a lucrative career, but he does need to know where's he going and have an idea of how he's going to get there. I guess another way of saying it is that I don't want to be with someone who has no goals or direction for his life. And oops, that was 6, but I have to have all of those, so I'm leaving them! (I actually have a list that's several pages long that I made when I was in high school. I wonder where it is...it would be funny to read it now and see what's changed.)

2. What idiosyncrasies hold you back in life? This is more of a character flaw than an idiosyncrasy, but I would have to say my critical spirit. I think I could appreciate certain things more if I wasn't so critical of everything and everyone.

3. Who was/is your biggest crush and why? (can be fantasy like me...CHRISTIAN BALE...lol:) Well, my biggest real life crush reads my xanga (although not very often, I don't think), but I don't really have any celebrity crushes, so I'll just be vague in case he doesn't want me talking about this on my xanga. He was my first love and my first kiss and my first date and he took me to my first formal, so you can see why he has a special place in my heart. I don't think anyone who reads this--with the exception of a very few people--know who I'm talking about, so we're safe.

4. What's your favorite movie and how many times have you seen it? My favorite movie is You've Got Mail, and I've seen it at least 30 times. I can quote entire scenes I love it so much. I love Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan together, and Meg Ryan's character in that movie, Kathleen Kelly, reminds me of me in a lot of ways, and I love the way Tom and Meg fall in love through writing emails. It's so romantic, and while it's not entirely realistic, I do have a dear friend who had a similar experience, and I'm even going to her wedding in two weeks, so it can happen! I also think it's got some very memorable scenes and quotable lines. It's just a fabulous movie. (I feel like my favorite movie should be something "deep" and inspiring, but oh well.)

5. What is your favorite possession (not bible!) This is so shallow, but my favorite possession is my iPod mini. I even named it. (Cotton candy, b/c it's pink.) The iPod is perhaps one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century. I can carry around almost my entire music collection in this cute little device that weighs like 4 ounces. It's so great!

Now, for anyone who wants to play....the INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Leave me a comment saying, 'Interview me'. 2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions. (You heard me!) 3. Only respond if you are willing to answer ANY question that is asked of you (honesty is the best policy I always say) 4. Update your Xanga with the answers to the questions . 5. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post . 6. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

A few thoughts:

1. I love the smell of rain in the summertime.
2. I like the way my ponytail swishes against the back of my neck. It makes me feel feminine. Perhaps I'll keep growing my hair out.
3. Last night I spent an hour reading the Bible. I don't say that to boast; I say it because it should be an everyday sort of thing, but instead it is this amazing, once-every-year-or-so thing.
4. The story of Ruth is beautiful. I wonder what a man would do if he woke up in the middle of the night and found me lying at his feet.
5. Today I am full of hope.

From my reading:

I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,

6 so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
men may know there is none besides me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other.

7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

8 "You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.

9 "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands'?
Isaiah 45:5-9