Verse

Twilight

Standing underneath
the vast tapestry of twilight,
I drink the stillness and warmth—
the vibrant orange and red fervor
of sun setting, the wiry fingers
of trees stretching to touch the grandeur,
stark black against
the kaleidoscopic spectrum of color.
A gentle breeze captures strands of my hair,
a caress and a whisper borne on change,
and in the deepening night I wonder,
what isn’t beautiful?

Thailand

As I walk the smog-filled streets of Bangkok,
life zooms by in the shapes of
taxis and tuk-tuks, Vespas and buses.
I drift among the throngs of bustling people
pressing up against each other,
the ringing of cell phones
and the honking of horns
adding to the chaos.
The smells of durian and rhambutan
mingle with the pungent aroma of incense swirling from
streetside shrines where prayers are offered
in the hopes of finding
answers to the life that passes
each of us by in a swirl
of lights and sounds,
billboard signs and high-rise buildings,
cracked sidewalks and swanky hotels,
musty clubs and handmade silk.
And in the midst of the rushing crowd,
I pause at the inescapable feeling
that life itself is poetry,
that Bangkok is but a line
in a stanza of endless verses,
and that all of us are but words
in a poem of intricate beauty
and indescribable grace.

Liar

"You’ll never amount to anything.
Look at those thighs, that hair—
How will you ever attract a man that way?
And what about those droopy brown eyes?
Get some colored lenses; they’ll look much prettier.
Not to mention that complexion,
I’ve definitely seen better.
You might want to lay off the pizza and Coke;
It’s starting to show around your hips.
And girl, haven’t you been looking at the mags?
That shirt is SO last season, and
don’t get me started on those jeans.
You’d be better off going back to bed."
I stand there, dismayed and confused,
my thoughts and emotions at war.
Every day the same criticisms, the same harsh attacks.
Every day the gradual wearing away of my confidence
and the growth of my fears.
And every day a choice—a choice between
believing what the mirror so clearly says
or deciding for myself who I am.
But today—perhaps only today—
I smile at my reflection,
whisper, "Liar," and say goodbye,
leaving the demon behind and forgotten.

I'm Baack

I'm back! I know you all missed me dreadfully, right? I'm sitting in the living room of my (parent's) new house on the one piece of furniture we actually have in here. My parents bought 3 rooms' worth of furniture that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, but there was a mix-up b/c the delivery people are stupid, so we're not getting it until tomorrow. Our living room and dining room look very spacious right now. It's so weird being in a new house. This morning when I woke up, it took me a minute to register where I was. I'm not sad anymore, though, which is a plus.

Friday night when I got home from the coffeehouse at church and pulled into the driveway, I just burst into tears because I was all of a sudden hit with the fact that I wouldn't ever drive up that driveway again or sleep in that bedroom ever again. I sat on my bed and cried for a good thirty minutes, wrote in my journal, and then I tried to sleep. It felt good to actually write in a real live paper journal, since I usually keep my journal on my computer, but it was packed up. There's something so comfortable and permanent about a journal.

This weekend I went with some of the college and career to a little town called Cloverport for a retreat. We had some good time reading in James and talking about it, and we also got to fish, ride four-wheelers, and shoot guns. Fishing was kind of boring; I caught a fish in the first 10 minutes and decided that I'd conquered the sport and moved on to tanning my legs. I shot a 22-gauge rifle, and I was convinced I would be deaf or dislocate my shoulder, but I came out of it okay. I didn't come anywhere close to hitting the target, but oh well. The cabin we stayed in belonged to the parents of one of the guys who went, and it was on 100 acres of land and was soooo beautiful and peaceful. I hope that someday I can have a place like that to visit. There's something about nature that makes me feel closer to God, I don't know why. I guess just being surrounded by His creation reminds me of His power, creativity, and the grandeur that I miss in my everyday comings and goings. It was wonderful to get away, if only for a little bit. Now if I could just go to the beach...

Oh, and a funny thing about moving: we had people pack us, and when I got home from work on Friday they were still there, and one guy had been packing in my room for 3 hours! He ended up filling 19 boxes, and he said that was some kind of record. He told me he'd moved people in 2-bedroom apartments with less stuff than I have! And that was after I'd thrown away 3 garbage bags full of stuff. (I kept all of my notes, though.) I apologized to him, but couldn't help but feel oddly proud. I'm such a weirdo.

One more thing, and I'll go. The coffeehouse on Friday night was really good; they had some live music and a poetry reading. Several different people, myself included, read some of their poems, and it was so fun! I really wish churches would encourage and foster better environments in which people can share their art. I am sure there are a lot of people who write or paint or draw or whatever, and it would be so neat to allow them to share that. Something to think about...[If you want to read the poems I read Friday night, I posted them here.]

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it: if you buy Nichole Nordeman's CD, see if they have the special edition. I found out after I bought mine that she made a special edition that has 15 songs, not 11 like I have! Needless to say I was a little distraught, especially after my friend Sarah told me the others are really good. Stupid special editions. Why can't they all just be the same???

Ecstasy

EDIT:  X-Men 3 is awesome!!  I highly recommend it.  I love Hugh Jackman.  If you go, make sure you stay through the end of the credits because there's a very intriguing clip at the end. 

This is too funny not to post:

Your Personality Is Like Ecstasy

You're usually feeling the love for the world around you - you want to hug everyone. And while you're usually content to sit back and view the world with wonder... Sometimes you're world becomes very overwhelming and a little scary.

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

I love summer: sleeping in, reading whatever I want, being unproductive and not feeling bad about it, enjoying every day so much it's hard to keep track of when the real week ends and the weekend begins. 

Cool, check out how I'm going to die:

 

Erin: At age 102, you will fall into a vat of neutral shoe polish, and your body will never be recovered.

Hahaha.

To get your death prediction, visit this site.

Goodbye For Now

This will probably be my last post for a few days, since we move in the morning and I'll be out of town anyway. Last night when I was going through the stuff in my room it occurred to me that I keep the strangest things (movie stubs, ribbons I won in 4th grade, notes from all of my college classes, foreign currency I'll probably never use, random quotes). I have always found it hard to throw things away, and I haven't quite figured out why, but I think it's unhealthy. I mean, some of the stuff has sentimental value, but there are other things I can't part with for fear that "I might need them" at some point or another.

I can't help but think that shows a lack of trust on my part. I don't like to over spiritualize things, but maybe part of my reluctance to throw things away is my way of showing God I don't trust Him to provide. I have this irrational fear that the minute I let go of something, I'll need it. For example, if I throw away those notes from my first English class in college, what happens if I need them in one of my grad classes? Well, hello, God gave me a brain! I didn't get into grad school b/c I take good notes, although that does help; I got into grad school b/c I have a certain degree of intelligence, and for whatever reason, UTK saw something in me that warranted admission into their program. God is not going to let me flounder through grad school; He'll be with me every step of the way, and the help He offers is far more valuable than some notes in a binder. The value I place on these material objects should be overshadowed by the value of the intangible that God offers me everyday--grace, peace, wisdom, truth. Does not His Word say that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness? (See 2 Peter 1:3). So maybe I'll go throw away that poncho I've been saving in case I "need" it...

I hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial Day weekend!

EDIT: Just though you'd all like to know the books I want to read this summer. My list will more than likely expand.

1. Critical Theory: An Introduction by Terry Eagleton
2. An Experiment in Criticism by C.S. Lewis (he was a medievalist, you know, which makes him doubly cool)
3. Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway (can you believe I've never read it?)
4. Captivating by John and Stacy Eldredge
5. Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
6. Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man by James Weldon Johnson
7. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
8. Persuasion by Jane Austen (the only Austen book I haven't read)
9. Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (July 16, can't wait!)

Anyone have any recommendations?

No Turning Back

Today my parent's sold our house and bought the new one. It's official, no turning back. I came home from work and the walls were bare, and I wanted to cry. We're moving on Saturday. I know it's silly, but I just can't help but mourn the loss of this house. How do you pack up years worth of memories? How do you say goodbye to the room that held all of your secrets, hopes, and fears? How do you not cringe when thinking about the strange person who will take up residence in what used to be your space, your haven? How do you come home to a new house that isn't really home without feeling like a visitor? And I will be a visitor, in all actuality; once I move to Knoxville I'll only come home occasionally, and I'll be sleeping not in my familiar, comfortable, broken-in bedroom, but in a guest room. My stuff will be there, but it won't be mine. That makes me sad, and it makes me long for the days when I could crawl up into my mom's lap and she would stroke my hair and rock me, and time would slow to nothing.

What I Want for You

I want you to have a heart that feels deeply and richly,
that you might live and not merely exist.

I want you to have a mind that stretches
to encompass more than what's fed to you.

I want you to dream dreams of impossibility,
knowing that even if they don't come true, the dreamer you become makes it worthwhile.

I want you to laugh freely and often,
knowing that life is too brief to dwell in sorrow and regret.

I want you to smile when you look in the mirror,
content with the knowledge that you are who you are by My design.

I want you to love unselfishly and unconditionally,
so that I might show you a glimpse of Myself.

I want you to own your mistakes,
realizing that you will find Me in both your success and your failure.

And most of all, I want you to know, dear one,
that I will never love you more than I do

right now.

May you all dwell beneath the shadow of His wings.

Full Capacity

Today is quite a monumental day. Today my iPod mini (aka Cotton Candy) reached full capacity, and at just 782 songs, not 1,000 as advertised. Big bunch of liars! Now I'm having to go through and see which songs I actually want on my iPod. ("Christmas Time is Here" can probably be removed, as it's only relevant one month out of the year. Not that Christmas can't be every day of the year, of course.)

In other news, lunch at Los was super fun: met new people (well, Eddie wasn't a "new" person, but I'd never "met" him before, and Julie was new) ate some yummy Mexican food, and laughed more than I've laughed in a looong time. Graduation was also a blast, as I sat with David and Elizabeth, and we spent a lot of time not paying attention to the actual graduation proceedings. I also saw tons of people I haven't seen in a while, and it was really fabulous (I never tire of that word) and I felt really loved, but also a little bittersweet b/c it reminded me of how much I absolutely loved being at Union. But all good things must come to an end. Like this post.

Treasure

Here are some lyrics to ponder from my favorite artist, Steven Curtis Chapman:

"Treasure of Jesus"

What can I do, how can I live
To show my world the treasure of Jesus?
What will it take, what could I give
So they can know the treasure he is?

And if I can sing
Let my songs be full of his glory
If I can speak
Let my words be full of his grace
And if I should live or die
Let me be found
Pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The treasure of Jesus.

I have some thoughts about this I'll post later. Treasure Him!

This week on Gilmore Girls...

Rory and Logan totally got arrested for their little yacht theft, or "Grand Theft Boating," as Lorelai called it. Lor had to pick up Rory from jail and found it hard to believe that the whole thing was Rory's idea and not Logan's, since she doesn't trust Richie Rich (my little nickname for Logan). Lorelai is angry with Rory for like two seconds, and then she makes fun of her mercilessly in typical Lorelai fashion, and I love Lauren Graham a little bit more. Rory then has to get back to school to take one last final, which we later see her failing, as she spends the whole time staring forlornly out the window. She sees Logan and finally tells him what his dad told her about her journalistic ability, or lack thereof, but only b/c Logan had called her house looking for her and Lor pretty much told him off and blamed Rory's turn to the dark side on Logan's dad. Logan gets ticked off and said she should have been treated better and is really sweet and supportive and tells her not to worry about anything, and I begrudgingly like Logan a little bit more.

Back in Stars Hollow, Rory meets her mom at Weston's Bakery and drops THE BOMBSHELL: she's decided not to return to Yale. She reasons that it would be a waste of time and money to continue school at this point, when she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life now that she's not going to be a journalist. Lorelai freaks out in mom-fashion and says that's not an option, and she's not just going to bum around Stars Hollow, and she leaves in a huff.

Lorelai is of course distraught, so she turns to...her parents! They are shocked and appalled by this turn of events and promise to help Lorelai convince Rory to go back to Yale at Friday night dinner. Lorelai leaves, happy that for once her parents are supporting her. At the Dragonfly, Luke comes by to fix some stuff, and he finds out that Lorelai is considering selling the inn and taking a job as a consultant. He flips out, asking her if she'll be traveling a lot, if she'll have to move, and he is completely flustered and finally blurts out, "But what about the kids??" Lore is like, "Huh?" and Luke is like, "Uh, gotta go," and he runs off to fix a window and we see Lorelai having an "Ah ha!" moment. Great scene.

We then see Luke canceling his purchase of the dead guy's house, since he can't communicate with Lorelai to find out what she wants, so he thinks she's going to take the job and he'll never get married or have kids or need a house. Poor guy. One word for you, Luke and Lorelai: communication!!

Friday rolls around, and when Lore shows up for dinner, her parents are there to inform her that Rory is in fact NOT going back to Yale--she's going to move into their pool house and they will find her a "suitable" job until she figures out what she wants to do. Manipulative Rory had made a little visit to the elder Gilmores, cried some, and basically had Richard like a piece of putty in her hands, and Lore is completely shocked that they backstabbed her, and as she leaves, she spots Rory unpacking her things, and they exchange this heartbreaking look, and it's very sad and Lauren Graham is just so stinkin' awesome.

Lorelai then turns to the only person who is always in her corner--Luke. She tells him that Rory dropped out of Yale and that her parents betrayed her and that all of the things she and Rory have worked for are gone. She looks so devastated that I just wanna reach through the screen and hug her. Luke is completely floored by this news, and goes into solution mode, and starts ranting about how they can't let Rory do this, and they'll just have to kidnap her and tell Yale she had a chemical imbalance when she dropped out, and then they'll escort her to all her classes and never let her out of their sight. During this we see Lorelai watching him with love in her eyes, and when he finishes he looks at her and says, "What?" And THEN, she says, with perfect delivery, "Luke, will you marry me?" The camera pans to Luke's face, and he says, "What?" and then the screen goes black and I want to KILL Amy Sherman Palladino for giving us an ending like that! But man, it was good!

And oh yeah, in this week's subplot, Lane and the band almost break up when Lane realizes they don't really play much or practice much, but then they end up with a tour arranged by the most unlikeliest of heroes, Mrs. Kim, who says that "Kims don't give up!" She arranges for the band to play at all of these different 7th Day Adventist church along the East coast, and she's funny and fired up, and it's great. I love this show!

TV Roundup

WARNING: I'm about to talk about last night's shows, so if you taped Amazing Race, American Idol, or Gilmore Girls and you don't want to know what happened, don't read what follows!

Thoughts on American Idol: Carrie was Carrie--great but kind of boring. Bo was fabulous--he'll totally be in the final three, maybe even win it. He does need to quit treating the mic like a dance partner, though. That's a little too affected for my taste. Vonzell was oddly weepy last night, and her first song was dull ("How Do Live Without You"-gag), but her second song, which just now completely left my head, was fun and lively. She could be eliminated unless her fans really turned out for her last night. A-fed gave solid performances, but he's totally going home, and he needs to go a little easier on the makeup. He's starting to look more like Barbie than Ken, and I have some problems with that.

Amazing Race: Yay for Uchenna and Joyce! I am SO glad that Rob and Amber didn't win! Haha. I was literally on the edge of my seat for the last 30 minutes of the show, it was so suspenseful. I hope the next season comes on soon.

Gilmore Girls: Wow, great episode! Lorelai had a pregnancy scare which in my opinion was resolved way too quickly and will probably come back to kick her in the butt. Luke is totally going to ask her to marry him after he buys the dead guy's house, and she's going to freak out and probably say no and break his heart. I'll marry you, Luke! Rory's little journalistic dreams were crushed by Mr. Huntzberger (really, couldn't they have given him a better last name? Rory cannot become Mrs. Huntzberger!), and she was so traumatized she decided she needed to follow the likes of Melville and "set to the sea" so she and Logan steal someone else's yacht. She's so busted. The teaser for next week showed both Rory/Logan and Lorelai/Luke and the words "Someone will ask, 'Will you marry me?'" Bet you money it's Kirk proposing to Lulu.

Leftovers

Softball is fun! My team lost to the other Bartlett Baptist team, but we only lost by one run, which I thought was a very respectable defeat. I even got a run and didn't strike out at all! My fielding skills left a LOT to be desired, but hopefully the other teams we play won't have these huge left-handed batters that send the ball right to me, and I can spend my time in right field more leisurely. The one thing I didn't expect after playing softball: soreness. My back and my shoulders really hurt! I'm so out of shape, it's pathetic!

Church this morning was really convicting. The message was out of Malachi, and it was on worship and what we bring to God. Bro. Michael talked a lot about how we bring our leftovers to worship. The Israelites were disrespecting God by bringing blemished sacrifices or holding the sacrifices or worship in contempt, and even though we don't sacrifice animals to God and our disrespect isn't something so obvious as a blind or crippled animal, we do the same thing. We wouldn't sleep at our desks at work, but some people sleep through church; we wouldn't talk to our neighbor and pass notes during class or at work (or if you do, you shouldn't), but lots of people talk to each other during the sermon or pass notes. We just don't place the same importance on worship as we do other things in our life, and that really hit home for me. I don't sleep in the service or pass notes, but I do often come tired b/c I've stayed up late the night before, or I'll come not having spent any time with God for a few days and then expect to play "catch-up" during the service on Sunday. Sunday isn't catch-up day; it should be an extension of our everyday lives, and for a lot of people--including me sometimes--it's just not. One of Bro. Michael's points is that our attitude often dictates our actions, and we reveal the level of importance we place on worshipping God by how we act in a worship service, or even during the week. My eyes were really opened to the little things in my life that I withhold from God or the affections I place elsewhere that only belong to God, and I'm certainly going to need His grace to stop giving Him my leftovers.

I've learned the value of job security. Basically because I no longer have it. Yesterday my boss came in my office, sat down and said he needed to talk to me. Well, I immediately prepared myself to hear The Donald's favorite words, "You're fired," but I got something a little different. Business hasn't been too great in the world of electrical distribution, and the little company I work for is doing worse than I thought. So badly, in fact, that my other boss, Jerry, hasn't been taking paychecks just so we can make it from month to month. Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard?? (Okay, so maybe it's not the saddest thing ever, but it still is pretty sad.) So basically what Jim told me is that they might have to let me go soon if things don't improve, and he just wanted to give me a heads-up. He also said if I wanted to work half-days sometime or take some time off, that would be fine, too. I don't get paid vacation, so if I'm not there they don't have to pay me, which I joked about before, but now it's not so funny somehow. I'm leaving anyway at the end of July, but I was still counting on those 3 months of income, so I'm a little concerned. What stinks is that nothing is for certain right now, since we're waiting to hear about several bids for some really big jobs that could tremendously improve business, but until we hear, things are kind of up in the air. I guess I'm going to need to look for another job for the summer, which means it's probably back to retail for me, and the thought of that makes me cringe. But God will provide, so I'm trying my best not to worry about it. I just feel so badly for my bosses. They've been in business for 35 years so it's not some fledgling business, it's their livelihood. If you think about it, say a little prayer for them and the business. Thanks!

And with that, I'm off to prepare myself to play softball for my church for the first time in about 5 or 6 years. Should be a riot. If you're in the Memphis area, you should come to the Bartlett Baptist ball fields around 6 to laugh at me. Fun times.

Cheat

I am an adulteress. So are you, but for now we’ll just focus on me. I’ve been very convicted about lots of things lately, but specifically about the way I spend my time. On Tuesday night I spent one of the sweetest hours with the Lord that I’ve had in a long time, and then on Wednesday I didn’t spend time with Him at all. What did I do instead? I watched Gilmore Girls on DVD. After Tommy had given a very good message from Ecclesiastes about things of the world being meaningless. After I had tasted and seen that the Lord is GOOD. After I had seen the depth of my need for Him, for His Word. Still I neglected Him. It’s been heavy on my heart all day because I can’t understand how I can say I love God when I think something like watching a TV show is more enjoyable than being with Him. If I were honest, I would have to say that I don’t really love Him. Or rather, I love Him when it’s convenient for me. Mine is a selfish, conditional love.

My heart aches because I know that I’m being unfaithful to Him, that I’m opening wide my bed wide to various lovers (see Isaiah 57) while He longs to shower His love upon me. I’m so foolish! My idols will profit me nothing–His Word tells me that and the depths of my soul tell me that–and yet more often than not I find it hard to bother with prayer or Scripture reading. And even though I know the things that occupy much of my time are worthless, I continue in my ways. The times that I am open and honest and humbled before the Lord are far fewer than the times when I am hiding from Him or running away from Him or stubbornly refusing to heed His call, but shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Will I constantly have this battle? Will it never get easier? How can He love me at all? I know that He does, but it hurts me that He wastes His love on me when I can’t seem to love the way He does. And I know that’s wrong because all of us are imperfect and therefore imperfect lovers, but I guess I’ve come to realize recently how much I cannot seem to grasp the concept of grace and unconditional love. Everything in my head fights against it, and my actions certainly don’t reflect grace or unconditional love. If I believed in God’s grace, truly believed that I had received it deepdeep down, I wouldn’t try so hard to be "super Christian" and do every spiritual activity that presents itself, and I wouldn’t be so critical or judgmental or withhold compassion to those who exclude me or make me uncomfortable or aren’t just like me. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say except that I want desperately to believe God, not just believe in Him, and it seems like I’m getting in the way of myself. Why can’t I just make life simple? *Sigh.*

"I will expose your righteousness and your works, and they will not benefit you. When you cry out for help, let your collection of idols save you! The wind will carry all of them off, a mere breath will blow them away. But the man who makes me his refuge will inherit the land and possess my holy mountain." Isaiah 57:12-13

Okay, so the song "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meatloaf just came on the radio, and I was instantly reminded of my confusion about this song (which, for the record, Elizabeth , I don't actually like). I have never been able to figure out what "that" is. What won't he do for love? I just don't get it. And while we're on the subject, the song "25 or 6 to 4" by Chicago--what in the WORLD does that mean? 25 or 6 to 4 what?? That one really drives me crazy, and no one can tell me what it means. So it's up to you, my wise readers, to enlighten me. If you know what either of these songs means, do share it with the class! And if you want song lyrics, go here and here.

"God's love will never change us if we don't accept it." Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Wow, I just read that in Blue Like Jazz, and I'm trying really hard not to cry b/c I'm at work and I'm not wearing waterproof mascara. But if I were at home alone in my room, there would be definite waterworks. This is such a huge part of my problem, and I haven't really faced it until just this moment, I think. I've heard before that you can't love others until you love yourself, and I was like, "Oh, I know, but I really do love other people and I love myself." But a lot of the time I think I don't, and it comes out in little self-deprecating comments I make, comments I think might make someone else laugh but aren't really true, but in my heart I mean them and I really do think I'm stupid and ugly and unlovable, and it's scary how far deep I've allowed these feelings to go. I know it's hurt relationships I've had in the past, because I wasn't willing to believe that the person could really like me all that much, and so I pushed him away until he gave up. And now these lies, these demons, are fighting against me, resisting my desire to dethrone them and replace them with Truth. And what stinks about it all is that I'm at work and I can't even fully process it and now my lunch break is over and I have to try some more not to cry.