I have had a fabulous weekend! Last night I went to TGI Friday's with my wonderful friend Lindsay (who needs a xanga!), and it poured down rain so we decided not to go see a movie but instead ran to Best Buy, bought a couple movies, and watched them in her dorm. We were hermits, and I loved it. Then today I went to my future roommate Elizabeth's house for lunch and met her parents, who are super-sweet. Her mom is French, and she made all of this amazing French food, and I was so impressed! It was seriously the best meal I've had in a long time. I wish I could cook. Elizabeth can cook, and she can sew. I can't do anything "housewifely." My future husband's going to be terribly disappointed.

But anyway, we decided on an apartment for the fall in quite a timely fashion for two self-proclaimed indecisive people, so we'll be residing in West Towne Manor! I feel so grownup. (That doesn't mean I am; I just feel like it.) We also bought a lovely shower curtain and looked at some other home decor items at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond and had an all-around fun time! Then I came back to Memphis and my mom showed me the 3 rooms of furniture they just bought to go in our new home (I still can't believe we're moving). Not much else to report. Life is good.

Okay, so I had this long post all typed out, and then a stupid bug ate it! I can't believe I haven't learned by now to save periodically! (Shut up, Daniel.) I'll try to reconstruct it. Let's see...first I explained why I changed my background song. I hadn't actually heard the version of "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" before I added it to the list because my computer at work doesn't have a functional sound card, and we all know that's where most of my xanga-ing happens. Today is the first time I've actually listened to it, and I didn't like it, so I changed it. To those of you who did like it, I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. To those of you who didn't, congratulations! You got your wish! Now I'll give 20 eprops to the person who can name the show my new background song is from. Or I guess since I can't really do that, I'll comment on your site every time you have a new post. I'm hoping at least some of the girls will know it, but sorry guys, I don't know if you will. We shall see.

As for my earlier, rather abbreviated post, I was frustrated at work b/c we were short-staffed (2 of the 5 people employed there weren't there today) and I had all this work piling up and some stuff that HAD to be done today, and I was getting ultra-stressed b/c I was doing the work of 3 people. The thing is, I could have asked my boss to help me, and he gladly would have, especially since all he was doing was playing solitaire and talking on the phone. But I didn't. I didn't want to ask for help b/c I didn't want him to know I need it. And I didn't want him to know I needed it b/c that meant I wasn't perfect, that I wasn't super-employee. Logically I know perfectly well I'm not perfect, but I still seem to operate under the delusion that I am. It would have been simple to just go and ask my boss to handle some of the load, but instead I fretted and fussed and worked myself up into a dither. I am such a controlling, anal, perfectionist.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of my imperfection, I am also a big fat wuss. I hate confrontations of any kind, so I do whatever I can do avoid them at all costs. I'd rather chop off my arm than have someone upset with me, or have to confront someone about a problem or whatever. And I need to learn how to do that. Recently at work there have been a lot of problems b/c my bosses will quote a certain price but won't write it on the order, so when I go to bill it, I just use the computer price, and then the customer calls me and rants b/c they've gotten an incorrect invoice, and it's a big ordeal. Well, I could just simply tell my bosses that it would really help if they'd notate the price on the orders, but can I do that? No. Why not? Because I'm a non-confrontational, passive-aggressive wuss. It's not like I'd have to yell at them or be rude; I could just ask them nicely to write down the prices, but even the mere thought of doing that gives me the shivers. (I get shivery/trembly when I'm really nervous.) This is not healthy. How am I going to have a healthy marriage if I can't even be honest? I tell myself that I don't mind just dealing with whatever it is, but the stuff can build up and build up until I'm like Mount Vesuvius and then I'll end up blowing up at some person and they'll be buried like Pompeii. So sad. I don't want to be a volcano. Or a pushover. Where's the balance? Help me find it! I don't really know what my point to all of this was; I suppose I just needed to unload. Writing is such therapy for me. Too bad you all had to listen in, huh? Please don't think I'm all down on myself; I'm sure later I'll probably feel superior to all of you, haha. Such is the ugly face of pride. Thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn't, I don't blame you!

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Cor. 3:17

I have lost all faith in the voting public. The American Idol voting public, that is. I cannot cannot CANNOT believe Constantine got fewer votes than Scott. I'm never watching this show again, EVER. I mean, who's voting for Scott? I really wanna know. He must have eighty jillion cousins or something. That's all I can think of. Maybe they'll all dial the wrong number next week and Vonzell will get all of his votes! I guess I'll have to watch and see. (I know, I said I wasn't going to watch it again. Shut up.)

Just because I feel like it:

I AM: a God-follower, complicated, funny, giggly
I LIKE: Gerber daisies, singing, Nichole Nordeman, Gilmore Girls, guys who play guitar, poetry, Little Women (movie and book)
I HAVE: serenity, hope, everything I need for life and godliness.
I WANT: to finish grad school.
I NEED: hugs on a regular basis and someone to tell me I'm not crazy.
I WISH: I could quit sinning.
I PREFER: autumn to summer, chocolate to vanilla, reading to watching TV
I AM HAPPY WHEN: I’m with my friends, reading a good book, or watching a movie.
I AM ANGRY WHEN: my boss messes up the copy machine and then expects me to wave a magic wand and fix it.
I AM SAD WHEN: Monday morning rolls around again and I have to go back to work.
I ACT CHILDISH WHEN: I’m sleepy or around children.
I ACT MY AGE WHEN: I want to.
I SING WHEN: I'm breathing, in the shower, in the car, in church, getting ready in the morning.
I DANCE WHEN: I think no one’s looking and I sing into a hairbrush microphone.
MY FRIENDS SAY I: am funny, sweet, nerdy, and tell corny jokes.
I SAY MY FRIENDS: have good taste.
WHEN I AM ALONE I: daydream, read a book, write, or just think.
WHEN I AM IN A GROUP I: tend to be self-conscious.
WHEN I DRIVE I: sing really loud and look for people picking their noses.
WHEN I AM STUCK IN TRAFFIC I: sigh.
WHEN I FLY I: take a book, my CDs (and now my iPod mini), and some Benadryl if it’s a long flight.
WHEN I TRAVEL I: like to know where I’m going and how long it will take to get there.
I AM LOOKING FOR: my missing black flip-flops.
I AM SEARCHING FOR: a husband. (haha)
I HAVE FOUND: a Love that never fails.
I HAVE LOST: time and my black flip-flops.
IN SPRING I: get excited about the weather and want to buy lots of flowers.
IN FALL I: love watching the leaves change color and I love the crisp air.
IN WINTER I: wish it would snow, and I wear lots of sweaters.
IN SUMMER I: am hot all the time. (I don’t like summer.)
I'D LIKE TO BECOME: an English professor, a published writer, a background vocalist, a wife and mother.
I'M HAPPY I BECAME: a Christian.http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2686258762935052391
YOU SHOULD BECOME: what you most love in others.
MY AMBITION: is to love God and love people.
MY GOAL: is to get my PhD in literature, become a professor, and maybe teach overseas someday.
MY DESIRE: is to be more like Jesus and to be at peace.
WHEN I AM HAPPY I: smile and want to make everyone else happy.
WHEN I AM SURPRISED I: am excited, and I feel special if it’s a good surprise (as in, “Surprise, you’re getting a raise!”)
WHEN I AM UPSET I: cry and write in my journal.
WHEN I AM ANGRY I: usually don’t show it.
WHEN I AM SAD I: withdraw and cry and write and pray.
WHEN I MAKE YOU MAD I: want to crawl up in a hole and die.
WHEN YOU MAKE ME MAD I: get over it.
IT IS IMPORTANT THAT: I am genuine and that I love God above all else.
IT IS NOT IMPORTANT THAT: I make a lot of money.

Hope

Praise the Lord!!! I got my computer back, and I didn't lose any of my writing! So the first thing I did was save it all on disks, and I'm going to buy a flash drive as well, as soon as I get around to it. I learned my lesson, by golly! (I've been saying that a lot lately. Who am I, the Beave?) To commemorate this auspicious occasion, I'll post one of the poems I didn't lose! It's not my favorite, but it's written in this super-fun form called a sestina, which is kind of hard to do and all the ones I've written sound forced, but oh well, at least if you didn't know what it is, you do now! (For an example by Elizabeth Bishop, go here. How's that for hyperlinks, Lynette?)

Hope

When I am sad nothing comforts like the rain
that falls upon the ground, drowning the sunshine.
I look out the window,
at the water falling in sheets, and I dream
of the thunderstorms that came at night
when I was young and I huddled in my bed to stay warm.

My favorite blanket was one of warm,
soft cotton. I would sit with it and count the raindrops,
imagining each one was a friend that would stay with me overnight
when I was afraid. And in the morning I would wake to sunshine
dancing around the room, my dreams
of monsters and ghosts vanishing in the light streaming from the window.

Sometimes before I got dressed I would look out the window,
peering at the birds just out of reach, my warm
breath leaving a circle of moisture on the pane. If it wasn’t raining,
I would lie there, blissfully unaware of time, and I’d dream
about what it would be like to fly, to revel in the sunshine
before returning to my nest for the night.

And I’d think about what the stars in the night
sky would look like if nature itself were my window
and I had no walls to block me from sunshine
or wind or the scent of flowers floating on a warm
breeze. I would welcome the cleansing rain
on my feathers and every day would seem like a dream.

But then my mom would come in and disrupt my daydream,
admonishing me for still being in my nightgown
and telling me that it was cold and supposed to rain
more later on. I would leave my haven by the window
to dress in something sensible and warm,
even though to me cold couldn’t exist with sunshine.

At school my mind would drift lazily, and I often noticed that the sun
still shone brightly, beckoning me with the promise of dreams
fulfilled, its rays reaching out to me with the warmth
of a friend’s embrace. Even when night
fell and the sunshine no longer entered through my window,
I still recalled the lingering light until the coming of the rain.

It seems funny now how opposites like sunshine and night
kept me dreaming at my window,
but even now the warm rain brings offers of friendship.

I know this is incredibly juvenile, but I can't help myself. I was just entering an order to ship to Bobby Miller Electric somewhere in sunny CA, and instead of Bobby, guess what I typed. Booby! Haha. And what's even more juvenile is that I thought about leaving it like that. Booby Miller sounds much better, really. Back to work. (Sorry, Lynette, hyperlinks take too long, but I promise to do that soon.)

Wow, I think everyone on my subscriptions list updated yesterday or today, since it took me forever to read through all of the new posts. Usually there's only a handful to read through, so it was fun! (Those of you who haven't updated, get with the program!)

I just got back from looking at houses with my parents. I think it would be fun to be a real estate agent, except for when it would be really stressful. My parents got a contract on their house on Friday, and we have to be out by the end of May, so they needed to find a house pretty soon. Just 20 minutes ago they made an offer on a house that I pretty much picked, which is exciting. They had seen every house in Bartlett that met their criteria, some more than once, and it took my going and picking one to help them decide. I'm so indispensable, I don't know what they're going to do when I leave. (Okay, so I wasn't completely responsible for picking this house, but I was the deciding vote. That's good enough.)

I have to admit that even though originally I was not very excited about this whole moving idea, I'm warming up to it. It will be fun to go shopping with my mom to pick out furniture and help her decorate, and I'm so glad we'll be moving before I leave so I can help them out. It made me excited about having my own house someday, and I was surprised by how decisive I was about things. I tend to be rather wishy-washy when it comes to making decisions, but with most of the houses we went to I was able to decide pretty quickly whether they should remain in contention or be crossed off the list. That gave me hope for when it does come time to buy my home, and hopefully I'll be able to be just as decisive.

Anyway, not much else to report except that it's April and I'm wearing a sweatshirt. I like winter weather, but only during winter months. And I want to wear my flip flops, by golly!

My day got better! I suppose a day that starts out so badly can only improve, right? Turns out I got to leave work early b/c, get this, our electricity went out! Around 3 pm I was typing away when there's this loud popping noise and I'm convinced that either we're getting shot at or Jesus is coming back, but then the lights go out so I know it's just the power. So we all go to the door and we see a power line just whipping about in the breeze. I guess the wind must have blown it off or something. I love wind. But did I get to go home right away? Of course not! I sat in the dark for over an hour planning my budget for the fall on a piece of paper and realizing that I'm going to be so beyond poor before my boss decides that I can leave since I can't really do anything in the dark. Still, leaving early was super nice, and on the way home guess what song was played on the radio? None other than "Straight Up Now Tell Me". Crazy, man, crazy. (I'm in a weird mood, can you tell?)

After I got home from work I got to experience one of life's little pleasures, the last 30 minutes of a Gilmore Girls episode on ABC Family (don't even think I'm obsessed. I'm totally not.). It was "They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?" where Dean breaks up with Rory at the dance marathon b/c she's in love with stupid rebel Jess, and it's drama and heartache and I love it! Then I hung out with my parents, who are super-fun, and we went to dinner at Perkins (I had breakfast at dinner, which I adore) and then we went and saw The Interpreter which was smart and thrilling and gripping, and I highly recommend it. I'm a big fan of Sean Penn, and I think I fell a little bit in love with his character in the movie. He was such a tragic, mysterious character. Isn't it interesting how the human mind can become so captivated and interested by a fictitious character? It's why I love literature. It allows us to become a part of something outside ourselves and yet oddly connected to ourselves as well because who doesn't want to be part of some story, whether large or small?

Speaking of small, I was thinking today about how incredibly weird it is that I will, in my lifetime, only meet a small fraction of the people who have lived the same time as I have. It's an almost insignificant number, really. When I was visiting UT and walking around the large campus, I passed all of these people who were so absorbed in getting to class or catching a bite to eat or talking on the phone, and I realized that none of them knew who I was, and that most of them never would know who I am. It made me sad, although I can't define quite why. That night I went to Union on my way back home and heard a poetry reading by Judson Mitcham, and he talked about this very thing, this "otherness," this vast world that exists outside our periphery. I don't often think about the fact that I'm pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, probably because truthfully I think I'm pretty important, but I did this week, and I did when I was in Bangkok at the top of this 84-floor hotel room and looking out at a city of millions of people I would never meet. And I marveled at how each little speck of light from a car or a building represented a person that God knew by name and wants for them to know Him intimately. Truly we serve an amazing, unfathomable God who can turn His eyes from the beauty of the earth He created and stoop to look on us lowly creatures. It is this God who calls us to something greater than ourselves, to something that both satisfies and tantalizes, and it is to this God that I offer up praise, and I know that among all of the voices speaking to Him even now, He can still identify mine.

One of Those Days

Well, this day is sure to be swell. (I wish I could convey my sarcasm through xanga.) First, I woke up this morning to my cell phone ringing, and my first thought was, "Who in the world is calling me this early in the morning?" Only, it wasn't that early in the morning, it was 8:40 and it was my boss wondering if I was okay b/c I hadn't shown up at work! So I freak out and look at my clock and it's flashing which means the power went out. Somehow everyone else in my family managed to get to work, but no one bothered to wake me up. I felt so bad even though my boss was laughing and thought it was hilarious, and I was running around trying to get ready, and ended up hitting my shin very hard on this stupid little bedpost while making my bed. Why did I bother making my bed, you ask? Because someone was coming to look at our stupid house that's for sale, that's why! I made it to work by 9:15, with my hair a mess, my clothes wrinkled, and my face makeup-free. So not only am I completely frazzled, I feel ugly. For someone who feels fat and ugly all the time, I sure am vain. If I learn nothing else from this morning, I've learned that. It's no fun realizing you're something you dislike in other people, although I suppose most characteristics that drive us crazy in other people are the very ones we possess in large quantities.

Anyway, the day doesn't end there. The power went out at work last night, too (that must have been quite a storm, but I wouldn't know b/c I slept right through it), and apparently it completely blew the "system board" (that's what the tech guy called it) on our printer/fax/copier machine, so we can't print anything from our computers. This is very bad, and they can't even get us a loaner machine until the next business day, so we're pretty much lame ducks right now. Fun times, fun times. I can't wait to go to grad school.

Oh, oh, oh my word! Pretty sure my boss just called me from another phone line to ask me to bring him something! Will it ever end???

I would just like to say that I have no idea when I'll be able to provide one of my usual substantial, witty, and enormously entertaining posts, as my desk is currently overflowing with a daunting amount of billing I have to deal with. It's a miracle I even found the keyboard. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves...

P.S. For some reason my VCR didn't record Gilmore Girls like I programmed it to, so I am grieving the loss of the first new episode in two eons. Thank goodness Sarah gave me an excellent synopsis, even though now I won't be able to watch it three times before next Tuesday. (And I'm not really exaggerating. Shut up.)

Hello, loyal fans! Since apparently I'm incurring fines for not updating and causing some severe withdrawals, I thought I'd give everyone a little relief. ;) I am in Knoxville at David's apartment, and he's studying this obscenely massive property law outline for a final and I'm playing on his computer. I'm sure he wishes he were me right now. Anyway, I made it here safe and sound despite the fact that my parents feared for my life and were convinced they were never going to see me again. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I really enjoyed riding in my car with the windows down and the stereo blaring (although I did drive by this one patch of interstate that smelled very much like manure, which was less than pleasant). Unfortunately, I have yet more evidence that supports the fact that I don't belong in grad school: I was planning to visit some apartments once I got here, but I didn't account for the time change, so by the time I got here it was 4 o'clock, not 3 like I thought, and my hotel ended up being in the middle of absolutely nothing, so by the time I found it and got the guy at the desk to quit playing Halo and check me in, I only had time to go see one place. (Elizabeth, if you're reading this, Kingston Square was not that great. I think we can probably cross it off the list.)

Anywho, I can't think of anything else to write, since I haven't had adequate time to process the enormity of the campus (we drove by there after we ate dinner), and this is a pretty boring entry, so I'll quit while I'm ahead. Hope everyone's having a happy Monday!

I Miss...

* Hugs (I haven't had a hug in a looong time)
* Living with other girls
* Laughing so hard that my stomach hurts
* Flying a kite in the middle of the street
* Buying ice cream from the ice cream man
* Catching fireflies in a jar
* Checking my (empty) mailbox at Union (isn't that strange?)
* Drinking Cherry Coke from the Lex (it's the best, it really is!)
* Going to Friday chapels at Union
* GO trips
* Riding a bike
* Going to the library and checking out the maximum amount of books (21--now I only check out 3 or 4 at a time)

Yay for business computers! My dad has a laptop that he uses at home when he's on call, and so I can get on the computer! I'm only on here to post something I promised Daniel and Tommy I would. Last night at church Daniel was talking about quiet times and studying the Bible, and I read this list of questions that I use a lot that help focus my time spent in the Word. They're from a book called Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald Whitney (excellent book, by the way), and the book basically outlines several different spiritual disciplines and ways to practically carry them out. In the chapter on Bible study, he gives this list of questions to use, and I've found them to be extremely helpful.

Application Questions

Does this text reveal something I should:

1. believe about God?
2. praise or thank or trust God for?
3. pray about for myself or others?
4. have a new attitude about?
5. make a decision about?
6. do for the sake of Christ, others, or myself?

[Rant] Okay, I just read the list of winners for the Dove Awards, and I would just like to say that Bethany Dillon was robbed, robbed I tell you! She definitely should have won new artist of the year, but who won it? Building 429. That's fine, their music is fine, but Bethany Dillon is amazing! I wrote a review of her album; go read it and tell me she shouldn't have won. [/End rant]

In other news, I am the worst daughter ever. I told my parents the other day about going to visit UT next week, and my mom was upset b/c she wanted to come but she'd just taken off a week to go on the cruise. Secretly, I was glad b/c I really wanted to go by myself since this is a huge step for me and I felt like I needed to do it on my own. Well, yesterday I came home from work and she says she has good news. So I say, "My computer came back to life!" (sad, I know) and she said, "No, I might be able to come with you to Knoxville! I got a girl to work for me on Tuesday, and now I just have to find someone for Monday." I didn't know what to say, so I just said that was good, but inside I wanted to tell her I wanted to go by myself, but she was so excited that I couldn't. I thought about it all last night and I was going to tell her that I wanted to go by myself when I got home from church, but she was already in bed (my college group meets late on Wed.). Then, she just called and told me she'd found someone to work for her on Monday, and when I didn't sound excited she was like, "Okay, don't sound so excited." So I told her I wanted to go by myself and she got upset b/c she'd thought I wanted someone to go with me and she'd made these plans and why hadn't I said something sooner and if I was going to pretend I wanted her to come, at least I could have kept on pretending instead of coming clean in the middle of it. Now I feel like such an idiot who can't even communicate with her mother. Ugh! I don't belong in graduate school; I need to go back to kindergarten. I know I'm not the world's best communicator (my last boyfriend will tell you that), but this really takes the cake. Am I completely horrible? Comfort, please. And all of you BBC peeps who know my mother, please don't say anything!

Give Me Jesus

I've decided that my laptop being broken is definitely a God thing. All things are God things, really, but I'm just now acknowleding this particular event as such. You see, since I haven't had my computer, I've had lots of free time when I get home from work. Before I would spend several hours on the computer, doing email, chatting on AIM (which I really do miss), reading xangas and updating mine. Now when I get home I can't do any of that. Last night after watching American Idol (which was SUCH a fun one this week-"Bohemian Rhapsody," anyone?) and watching Amazing Race end with a stupid cliffhanger (grr), I had nothing to do. So I read my Bible. What a novel idea!

I've been reading in Galatians, trying to take in just a few verses each day so I actually absorb them and don't just read them and forget them immediately as I am wont to do. Last night, though, I read the whole book, and then went back and focused in on this one verse that really hit me: "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (Galatians 3:3) Paul was speaking to the believers who were caught up in legalism, thinking that observing the law was more important than faith in Christ, specifically in regards to those Gentiles who weren't circumcised, and when I read this verse I just stopped because it described me so well. I am constantly trying to "earn" my salvation by doing good things, maybe not always consciously, but at Union I confess there were times that I attended chapel or a certain Bible study or whatever because I felt like I should and it was what was expected of me, not because I simply wanted to worship the Lord and taste of His goodness. And how many times have I started out seeking the Lord in something, only to snatch it out of His hands and run ahead of Him because I thought I knew better how things should turn out? I don't want that to characterize my life.

I want to trust God and have faith and believe Him and not doubt and not try to control things on my own or assume that I know what I'm doing because I don't. I am nothing without Him; I need Him desperately. Enough with my "human effort;" I want Jesus, no more, no less. And if that means giving up my rights to my life, then so be it. If that means waiting on the Lord rather than impatiently rushing to the next step, then so be it. If that means destroying the idols of self and money and even computer, then so be it. Amen and amen and amen.

Happy Things

1. I have freshly-painted toenails.
2. It's sunny and spring-ish outside.
3. I made a reservation at a hotel in Knoxville for when I go visit next week, and it has a king size bed.
4. I had cookies for breakfast (terrible I know, but it was all we had and they were yummy).
5. I got a real email from a friend today, not just one of those annoying forwards everyone's read a thousand times (if you send me a forward, I guarantee I'll delete it without reading it, sorry).
6. I left for work on time.
7. My first thought this morning was of Jesus (a rare occurrence, believe me).
8. I looked at possible classes I will be taking next semester, and it made me really ecstatic. (I'm such a nerd.)
9. Amazing Race tonight!
10. I haven't hated my job today (probably b/c I know for sure now that I'll eventually be leaving).

I know all of you were waiting with bated breath for my Sunday post, but sadly, my laptop is completely unresponsive. It won't even turn on; it just makes this weird popping noise and then does nothing. Fortunately, my parents bought a 3-yr. warranty on it, so they'll replace it if they can't fix it. However, it will take a looong time before I get it back once they send me the box to ship it to them in. I can't say I'm as upset about the computer because I know I'll get a new one if it can't be fixed, but I am upset about what I had on my computer. All of my writing--my journal, my poems, stories, snippets of stories, a file of quotes I've collected over the last four years or so--were all on that computer, and I don't have hard copies of most of it. If I don't get that stuff back, I'm going to be heartbroken. It's not like I can recreate it or replace it. I want to cry right now just thinking about it, so I'm going to go now. As silly as this may sound, please pray that I get my writing back.

The End Is Near

I just told my boss I'm leaving work on July 29, and it felt SO GOOD! He had me write it on the calendar, and I put a little frowning face on there, and he said, "Yeah, I bet you're really sad about that." And I said, "Well, it's more for you than me." Haha. Just thought I'd share.

He Will Provide

Well, the sleepover was kind of disappointing. I was hoping for a lot of girls to show up, but only 4 did. Apparently, I chose a bad night, b/c 3 of the girls couldn't come b/c they had Bible Drill this morning and their parents didn't want them staying up late, which is completely understandable. Still, I had a lot of fun with the girls that were there. They were a lot tamer than I expected; after all, I've had them in my Sunday School class and I know how hyper they can be, but they weren't all that hyper. We watched The Princess Diaries and played Uno Attack and Mad Gab, and then the one girl who ended up actually staying up late wanted to watch Saved by the Bell, so we watched three episodes. (I'm not ashamed to admit that I have seasons one and two on DVD and really want seasons three and four b/c that's when Zack and Kelly break up while Jessie and Slater are lip-singing to "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You." Gotta love it!)

In other news, I would just like to say that I have really seen God being my Jehovah Jireh lately (that's Hebrew for "The Lord who provides"). First with graduate school and the assistantship, and now with a roommate! I'd been praying a lot about my living situation in Knoxville. At first I wanted to live by myself, but then I realized that 1)It's going to be hard enough being in a new place without coming home to an empty apartment and 2)It's cheaper to get a 2-bedroom and split costs than get a 1-bedroom. So then I started thinking about getting a roommate, but I was more than a little apprehensive about ending up with some random person b/c what if she was a druggie or a big party person or something? (So that's a bit extreme, but I tend to skip over realistic and jump right to extreme.) Anyway, last week I was talking to my friend David about the whole roommate thing, and he told me about someone he knew who was transferring to UT from Union. So he gave her my email address, and she emailed me the very next day, and we exchanged a couple more emails and agreed to meet today at the Starbucks in Jackson to discuss things. So I went, and it was so GREAT!! We ended up talking for about two hours, and we totally clicked and we looked at some apartment options and made plans to go see some separately and then compare notes, and I am just super excited! It's just so thrilling to see the way God is putting all of the pieces into place for me to go to graduate school and fulfill my dream of being a professor! It's so easy for me to be negative a lot of the time, but I just want to praise Him for the way He's always been faithful even when I've been unfaithful or doubted His provision. I encourage all of you reading this to really consider how much God has done for you and then take the time to thank Him for it!

Trust

"You can trust the man who died for you."
--from Streams in the Desert

I've been thinking about trust lately, about whether or not I really trust God with my future. I say I do, but does my obsessive planning and scheduling really reflect that? I'm gonna go with no. I'm afraid God doesn't quite have things under control, so I need to help Him out a little, take some of the burden off His shoulders. Please! He must be so frustrated with how completely ridiculous I can be!

I used to think I had "self-esteem" issues, but I've since come to realize that all of that just masks a lot of pride and a superiority complex. The words of Psalm 50:21 could have been written about me: "These things you have done and I have kept silent; you thought I was altogether like you. But I will rebuke you and accuse you to your face." God, have mercy on me for thinking I am altogether like you!

In a way, all of us do that in little ways every day. We do it when we leave the house without having given Him a thought, thinking we can handle things fine on our own. After all, how hard can it be? We do it when we attempt to mold circumstances to fit our plans and our ideas of how things should be, afraid that God has forgotten about us and won't take care of it. And I do it every time I worry about the next day or the next month or the next year. So how do I learn to trust? How I do learn to correct 23 years of wrong thought patterns? I don't know, but I know Someone who does...

Trust

I trust You, Lord, in the depth of quiet night,
When my mind is turning endless circles
And the beating of my heart rings loudly in my ears.

I trust You, Lord, though the tempest rages strong around me,
and fear begins to take mysterious shape
in the murky corners of my mind.

I trust You, Lord, in the loud silence of screaming doubts
that haunts my nights and darkens my days
with dogged persistence.

I trust You, Lord, though the path is unclear,
and the way is choked by what ifs and unknowns
that threaten to overtake the light You give.

I trust You, Lord, though inside I long to betray you
And trust instead myself, though You know and I know
I cannot be trusted.

No Man Is an Island

My parents have been out of town this week on a cruise, relaxing and having a good time, and didn’t take me (not that I’m bitter), so I’ve been playing house. It’s been rather fun, and I’ve decided I’m quite fond of my own company. I think it helps that I’m an introvert anyway, and so it doesn’t bother me to be alone. My brother is here, too, but not really because he only comes home to sleep, and that’s usually after I’ve already gone to bed. So I come home from work, make myself some dinner, and read a book, read everyone’s xangas and try not to update mine for the fifty jillionth time in one day, and basically do whatever else I feel like doing. I can play my music as loudly as I want and sing as loudly as I want, which I’m quite fond of doing. All in all, it’s been a good experience, one that I will have to remember when I’m away at graduate school and drowning in loneliness because I only know two people in the whole city of Knoxville.

But even though I’ve enjoyed it, I’ve realized how much we are made for companionship. I’m not talking about marriage really, just the need for relationships. It’s true what Donne said: “No man is an island.” And I know that while I like being on my own right now, were this to continue for weeks, I wouldn’t like it nearly as much. I’ve missed my parents; I’ve missed sharing about how my day was and just being in their company, even if we don’t say anything. Did you know that laughing at something by yourself is not nearly as satisfying as laughing at something with a friend? I discovered that last night while watching The Amazing Race (which is incredibly entertaining--I wish I could be on it), the show my mom and I usually watch together. Last night’s episode was really funny and I was absolutely cracking up at some parts, but I kept looking around, wanting to catch my mom’s eye as we shared the laughter, and she wasn’t there. I think for the first time I understand why they always told me how much they missed me while I was at Union. I would always dutifully reply, “Yeah, I miss you too,” even though most of the time my days were so full of Union life that I didn’t really think about home much, and Union in a way was my home. Ultimately, I’m used to being the one missed, not the one doing the missing. I guess my point to all of this (“Finally,” you’re thinking) is that I’ve begun to appreciate this season I’ve had at home a lot more. It wasn’t at all what I wanted, but I think it might have been exactly what I needed. In a few months I will be over 300 miles away from my parents and I won’t have the luxury of seeing them every day like I do now, so I need to drink in every moment while I can. That’s what living truly is, I suppose. Just savoring every morsel you’re given. God knew that, even though I didn’t.

What are you looking for?

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot - who calls you back when you hang up on him - who'll lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat - or will stay awake just to watch you sleep - wait for the boy who kisses your forehead - who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats - who holds your hand in front of his friends- the one who turns to his friends and says...'that's her.'"

I read this on Chelsea's Xanga (notice a trend about my lack of originality?), and it started me thinking about what to look for. These are nice things, but I want more, and if/when I have a daughter, I want her to want more, as well. So here's what I would tell her...

Find a guy whose heart is bigger than his wallet, whose love for God exceeds his love for you, who's not afraid to be honest with you. Find a guy who wipes away your tears, shares your laughter, and makes you smile. Find a guy who challenges you to be a better person, to grow in Christ, and to serve others. Find a guy who loves you whether you're dressed to the nines or wearing sweat pants, who loves your heart and mind more than your body. Find a guy who is comfortable being himself and asks for no more or no less than who you are. And when you find him, make sure you're the woman he'd want to date.

What are you looking for?

I've decided that when my boss combs his hair in the morning, he must only comb the part he can see in the mirror because you should see the bird's nest look he's got going on in the back. I think there's some sort of spiritual application to this, but I'll have to write about it later...

Lovely Day

What a gorgeous day! Just imagine if we never had sunshine. Wouldn't that be sad?

Things I'm looking forward to (I should mention that these are varied in their importance and are in no particular order):
1. Buying furniture when I move
2. Decorating my apartment/studio when I move
3. Summertime
4. Nights when it's light until 8 o'clock
5. Visiting UT Knoxville's campus
6. Church tomorrow
7. Getting a new cell phone and a new plan
8. Seeing who wins the Amazing Race
9. The next new episode of Gilmore Girls (April 19!)
10. Jesus returning.

If God took away all you haven't thanked Him for, what would be left?

Well, it's official: I'm going to be a Vol. I heard from the last of my grad schools yesterday, and I got into UGA, but I didn't get funding, so my decision has been made without my having to do any stressing or worrying, and I praise God for that! I'm going to grad school! Yippee skippy! Now let's all start praying that UT will change that ghastly orange color to something pretty, like purple.

Belief

Is it working? Your belief system, that is. Is it really working? God's intention all along has been for the believer's life to work...Are our Christian lives successful? Are they achieving and experiencing what Scripture said they would?(...)

I fear the reality of most Christians differs dramatically from our theology. We bear little resemblance to a church causing the gates of hell to tremble. The gap between our theology and our reality is so wide we've set ourselves up for ridicule. The sad part of it is that some of us are working pretty hard at something that is hardly working." Beth Moore, Believing God, pages 1-2 excerpted

I just started reading this book, and wow. It completely echoes something I've been thinking a lot about recently, that is, the gap between what I know from Scripture and what I actually live out daily. I believe in God, but do I believe Him? There is a difference. I know He exists, but do I believe He really has power? Do I believe He can do "immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine"? Why are we so content to make mud pies instead of enjoying a holiday at the beach? (See C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory)

Why am I so satisfied with living my humdrum, mediocre existence when I have at my fingertips the very power God used to to resurrect His Son? "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?" Meant to live for more, indeed. God promised us abundant life, but I find myself just hoping to make it through each day. Is that the Spirit-filled life made available to us, promised to us in Scripture? NO! It's a life of self-absorption, of apathy, of an unwillingness to look beyond our presuppositions and dare to believe, to hope that God has plans that are far beyond what we could every conjure up. No wonder the world views us a foolish and ignorant. For the most part, we spend our time criticizing society but do little to impact or change it.

The solution? I'm not going to pretend I know it. But I do know this: we cannot truly believe God if we don't know Him. And we won't know Him if we don't know His Word. And we won't know His word if we don't spend time with Him. It all comes down to one thing (or two, depending on how you look at it): knowing Him and making Him known.